Dear All,
I recently learned that my husband was involved in a relationship w/ another woman. I found out in early Dec because she called my house at 11:45 p.m. on a Sat. night. I confronted him & he told me they were just friends & that he had feelings for her. I asked him if was involved in an affair, and he denied it. He told me he did not commit adultery. I started doing my homework & found several signs that their relationship was more that my husband told me about. I've been so ashamed of some of the things I've done to find out information regarding how serious their relationship had become. I've recently told my husband about the things I've done to find out the info. since He was not disclosing anything to me. In the past 3 -4 weeks, We've been trying to connect with each other & he severed all ties w/ the woman within a few days of me finding out (early Dec). My husband has been highly reluctant to divulge any info. to me about the nature of his relationship w/ this woman. Well, some of the truth came out just a few days ago. He opened up to me and I thought I was ready to handle the truth.But I freaked out when I found out that the nature of their relationship was sexual & that he had invited her into our home on days when he was off from work and I was at work. I feel so violated that she was in my home. My husband tells me that he will leave me if I confront her. You see, this woman is also married and has a daughter who is in middle school & a daughter who is grown & living in GA. My husband asked for forgiveness on Christmas night, but he didn't disclose to me that he had an affair. Why shouldn't her husband know the truth? Is it wrong for me to want to confront her & expose her sins to her husband? I feel like I'm losing my mind. In this bomb that has exploded in my life, I've felt so lost and filled with pain. I am so very much in love with my husband. How can I let go of the pain & resentment I am feeling? My husband wants to put it behind us & move on, not discuss it anymore so to speak. How can I start to heal? My husband is making an effort to reconcile the marriage. He says he loves me. I know he does. I have difficulty understanding how he could let this happen, how could he bring her into our home? She knows what I look like because she saw our wedding photos, etc. when she was in my home. I don't know what she looks like. If he was missing something, why didn't he turn to me? If there's anyone out there who can give me some insight, words of wisdom, prayers, etc. I am really in need of a friend right now. I feel so alone & like I have no one to turn to. Please help.

From: jbc

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: jbcmec ]</small>

Dear Dazed:
Edit the topic of your post to read NEED URGENT HELP. You can edit at the notepad and pencil icon above your post. I am in your position, having just actually caught my husband with the OW in December. I have gotten loads of help here. Hang on the oldtimers will come to your rescue.

I've learned that the pain we are feeling is normal and expected. Steve Harley, the Marriagebuilders' counselor told me that being betrayed by your spouse is experienced as being worse that sex abuse. I will share with more later after you have heard from others. Read everything you can on this site.

Take Care.

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

JB,
I really do not like it that your husband took the postion to threaten to leave you if you confront the OW, that brought up a red flag. I also feel it was totally direspectful that she would step inside your home. But there will be people here that have been dealing with these things so much longer than myself as I have only been dealing with this since Oct/02.

I want to welcome you to MB not under the situation but you have found a great place where there will be so much support. I will suggest that you read, read, read. Do the questionares with your H.

He can not have contact with this woman, and I feel by him threatening to leave you, it might be his intention until he clears his head of the "A". This is something that can not be swept under the rug, there has been a great betrayal done to you and it must be healed, as the marriage must be.

I don't know what to tell you about telling the OWH, there is so many different opinions on that even on this board. I think he should know because he has a right to understand what needs to be worked on in his marriage, but that's just me. But if it is to tell him to hurt the OW, or out of revenge, then I say, think very long and hard about that, it could blow up in your face.

You will be getting more posts as the day goes along, please take care of yourself and keep posting and reading all the concepts. Look at posts, we all know how difficult it is for you right now. Take Care

jbcmec,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this sort of devestation. It's unfathomable at times, how people who are supposed to care for us do this.

Regarding talking to the other woman's husband. There will be time for that in the future. Please try not to focus on that yet. It will worsen your relationship with your H short-term, and getting things stablized (or at least a plan to do so) is the higher priority.

You have so many understandable questions. This site has the answers to many of them. You may consider going through the web site or reading through "Surviving an Affair". I'd recommend the book just because it's easier to read.

I don't know if you're really looking for this advice, but that's how I react when people ask.

The pain and hurt are going to take time. If doing something while you read would help, try to find out if there is any contact and try to do it in a way that minimizes "trouble". (i.e. Lovebusting, which you'll probably read about soon). Please consider promising yourself not to make any rash decisions.

Finally, you can heal. The love you describe for your husband sounds awesome and will help you get through a lot. I hope you find the strength to supplement that as you go through some of the worst days of your life. It will get better.

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Hi Jbc

Your post really struck me.. I am so sorry to hear of the pain you are going through right now and you are definately in my prayers.

I recently found out of my H's affair (A) after a year of strange behaviour and wondering where he was spending all his time. I too was devistate when I discovered the A., It is the most painful thing I think a person could experience. Right now your healing is the most important look after yourself and your health first. Do you have a close nonjudgemental friend of family member you can talk to??

Read as much as you can on this board there is so much good information, and encourage your husband to do that too. My husband and I are both on this board together and it seems to help us a lot. Get yourself some counselling and look into antidepressants too, you have a long road ahead of you and this may be a help.

I didn't understand my H's affair either or how he could do some of the things he did to me.... none of it is justifiable although I do realize that we had some issues in our marriage that caused us to have problems. I had to come to terms with my role in this (very hard to do) especially at a time when your whole world has fallen apart.

I know that my husband is a good person and father and I had to be very honest with myself whether I could ever forgive him for this.. I see now that he is a good person who did a very bad thing. You need to ask yourself if you can forgive and if this is a road you want to take.

It is so important for the two of you to talk about this. For your husband to tell you everything in complete honesty, and to allow you to talk and get all your feelings out. Talk , talk talk get everything out that is the only way you can heal... this is not something you can ignore and it will just get better on its own (tried that) didn't work.

I understand how you feel about telling the OW's husband but you may want to forget about this for a while.... look after you first.. discuss this more with your husband as this could make things a lot worse as it continues and maybe encourages contact with the OW

Do you have any children??

We all know and understand the feelings you are experienceing you are in a good place. I hope I have helped you I am here for you and I will be watching for your posts.

Take care and God Bless

bump

jbmec,

I realize this a terrible shock but you are in the right place. This is a double betrayal in that your H brought the OW into your own safe home. Which means you have much more to recover from than just your run of the mill adultery.

First off, you have nothing to be ashamed of for snooping on him and catching him. You have a responsibilty to PROTECT yourself from harm and that is what you did. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you. You did the right thing in snooping.

Secondly, if you decide to stay with your H, you have to accept the fact that you will have to deal with this. Your relationship will never be the same. Never. There is a chance that it might get better than it ever was but that will take ALOT of work to get that point.

In order for you to recover, your H needs to come completely clean and answer ALL of your questions. He also needs to immediately send a no contact letter to the OW. That is the LEAST he can do to repair this situation. Your relationship will only be as SICK as its secrets and if he withholds, it will only further destroy trust. You will both die a death of a thousand little cuts if information comes out in forced dribs and drabbles. His WILLINGNESS to answer each and every question will play a HUGE part in your recovery and can make the difference in a slow recovery or a LONG recovery.

Here is some reading for you to start off with:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I do think that you should alert this woman's husband so he can take steps to protect himself and his children. It will also help protect you from further alliances if there is pressure from the other end to never resume the relationship. He has a right to know that he is being harmed behind his back. I wouldn't even tell your H or he will just alert the OW. Just pick up the phone and call him. It would be a great kindness.

P.S. I see no reason to confront the OW. It would accomplish nothing and I assure you that someone who is so depraved and heartless that she would come into your home, does not give a hoop about your feelings.

JB,
How are you doing, just checking back with you as we have not heard anything from you.

I am sorry for the pain you are having to deal with. Nothing I can say will help much at this point. What I really want you to understand right now is that you are not alone. If you will continue coming to this site you will realize that fact fairly quickly.
There are a great number of people right here that know exactly how you are feeling, and why. This site and these people can be your lifeline. Especially when people who are around you every day grow tired of hearing you discuss this. This site(we) will be here for you.

As others have suggested, read, read, read, and then read some more. Come here to the forums to rant and ask questions and for help in understanding the information here, or understanding your feelings about all this.

This(the affair)will be the hardest thing you have dealt with to this point in your life. You are not alone in this. Do not be affraid to speak up about your feelings.

Praying for you.

jd

jbcmec:

Sorry that you have to be here...

You have received some good advice already and I hope you followed Melody Lane's and jdmac's links.

Let me add my two cents:

First: Take a deep breath...realize that (unfortunately) you have begun a long process and that this will not be resolved overnight...sorry to say that but it is something you have to know.

Second: Realize that you cannot make your H or asnyone else do anything. As a result, recognize that you can do things to help YOU...work on yourself. Read, post here, look into counseling. If not couples counseling consider individual counseling for yourself. Don't forget to take care of yourself...eat, sleep, exercise it all helps.

On the issue of contacting the OW's H....This is a tough decision that almost comes down to a case by case basis....we all have our opinions.

Mine is that you make that contact...

In my case I did, but waited way too long to contact the OM's W. I wish I had done it earlier but after I did, despite the fact that I knew this would hurt her greatly, I know I did the right thing because she DESERVED to know.

Finally, as Meoldy said tou have every right to snoop and owe your H no apology, nor should you feel ashamed of anything...

This is difficult, I know, but you will find many people here who have had similar situations to you that can offer their advice and lend a friendly ear.

Take care,

E

Please read the link in my sig line and the imbedded link entitled, "On informing OP's spouse of the affair." There are a lot of views stated in the responses to that thread that may help you decide whether you should contact OW's H.

In my view and in the view of many others as you will read, you should inform OW's H as soon as possible without tipping off your H that you are doing so. Yes, this sounds sneaky. But just like the snooping you had to do to get to the truth, this sneakiness is necessary. Your H's threat to you that he will leave if you squeal only reflects his guilt that was is taking place is wrong. He might leave, but if he does, this does not signify the end of your marriage. Do not delay the notification as others have suggested.

Personnaly, I prefer the method of the WS sending a copy of the NC letter to BOTH the OP and the OP's spouse. But in any case, tell.

Beyond that:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Haven't heard from you - how are you doing???