Well, been a busy week at work, so I haven't posted much, and not at all to my own threads.

Still feeling pretty much okay these days, though I won't hide that I'm also feeling a bit disappointed.

My W called me "spouse" again last night, referring to a convo with the electrician about a problem at our house yesterday. That bothers me, and since I get so little information about what she's thinking or doing (remember, I get "wordless affection" from her, which is nice, but hard to interpret in the overall scheme of things). And calling HER "spouse" would mean I'm too embarrassed to call her "W", so I can't help but attribute her own reluctance to call me H as similar. Also, no ILYs from her in over a month, just a "thank you" when I said ILY to her a few weeks ago and no response (which is more typical) when I said it recently. I should probably say it more myself anyway, and have only just realized that I'm reluctant because I don't want to be disappointed by the response. Screw my expectations, though. I'm going to say it when I feel it.

And there's the other problem. I was reading WAT's thread and Broken Joe's thread about contacting the OP, and read where WAT says that the BS should tell the OP that they love their spouse and won't give up on the M, as a signal to the OP if they're getting conflicting stories from the WS. Well, when I thought about my own desires at times to contact RM, I realized that when I take away my desire for vengence and focus on showing him just how much I want my M, I find that I'm not desirous ENOUGH of that to want to tell "the enemy" that. Like that would STILL inadvertently give him a handle. Know what I mean?

I still believe that I'll love my W unconditionally whether we're M'd or not, but I am starting to realize that this whole "waiting game" for her to make a decision is wearing down my "romantic love" for her (which, oddly or not, was at a peak just after D-day).

I'm a conflict avoider. I freely admit it. But if YOU were there a week and a half ago when I confronted her about contact continuing, YOU would avoid another argument like that one too. NOTHING was gained by either one of us. I'm not going to initiate another "discussion" like that one myself, but I don't know how long I can/should wait for her to decide what she wants to do with her life (and share her thoughts with me). As it is, she tells me NOTHING. She's more into actions than words. So am I, in my opinion, but a few words would be helpful in clarifying what's going on in her life/mind. Not that I don't "know", but I DON'T know what it means to her and what it implies for us, long term.

*I know contact continues - I can bet my bottom dollar that she'd TELL ME if she had accomplished NC on her own.

*I wouldn't be surprised if some would recommend that I simply tolerate their working together (at least remotely), because she has promised not to get physical with him again. Trouble is, he doesn't know this (she's not TOLD him "no more" specifically). And HE has said he needs a physical R with her. ...anyway, I won't tolerate any contact whatsoever. So the question becomes, can I put up with it for several more months while he consults on work projects for her? And the answer is, I don't THINK so. But I've been asked that question before and given that answer before, so I won't even second guess myself this time around.

I'm going to get really busy with work in the next couple of months, and for the next few years. I can't be worrying about how we're "doing" during that time. But by that, I don't mean that I don't believe that a healthy M doesn't require vigilance. It does. But I'd really like to be in that place where I can call it a healthy M, one that we're both willing to work on and protect. We're definitely not there yet. Since I don't believe she's at a place where she can simply discuss our problems without yelling at me, I am reluctant to bring them up in the forseeable future. This might sound like I'm waiting for her to do something beyond my limits so I can spitefully end my M, but I'm not. I'd love nothing more than for her to say to me, 'look, I know this has been hard for you since D-day, and I want to talk about how we're going to recover from it". But, to tell you the truth, she never has said anything like that. Again, she can be wordlessly affectionate, and even show some compassion when she see's something has triggered a memory with me, but it quickly fades into our daily activities. Most of those are good, though, and so maybe it's just the most comfortable or safe thing for her to do. I suspect so, but I don't KNOW. She won't TELL me.

Many times while we've been dealing with rebuilding our house, she's said "I just want our life back." Which to me sounds like "I just want this building done and the contractors and insurance agents gone". I want to say "I want our life back. I want our M back, and WHOLE. And most of all, I want my WIFE back. Not my "spouse", my WIFE (with all the ranks and priveleges that term implies!)."

In spite of all, I'm feeling pretty good still. As I pointed out on someone else's thread recently, D-day was actually a very good day. The weather was beautiful, we did stuff together most of the day, and I had few triggers on my mind (I actually can't remember anything negative that happened all day).

Anyhoo,
-Qfwfq

"Since I don't believe she's at a place where she can simply discuss our problems without yelling at me, I am reluctant to bring them up in the forseeable future."

~~~~ Why not? What threatens you about this prospect? She yells at you and .... what? You collapse? You yell back? You wet you pants?

WHAT is the worst possible (but still likely) senario that keeps you from doing what needs to be done?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS ... see my post on criticism.

TZ,

What would happen if you pretended that RM didn't exist?

I think you've said that your wife has promised no PA. She talks with him and he wants PA; but she is still choosing you over him otherwise she wouldn't be in the same house as you.

I posted this on another thread and it may apply in your case.

Posted to Mark on Recovery Forum -

Really..what you're feeling sounds perfectly normal to me. Your Taker is doing his job - watching out for you. Don't forget to acknowledge Taker and let him know that you recognize his presence.

Taker is not a bad guy. He can cause lots of problems if he's not balanced with your Giver however.

Whether your marriage survives or not, you are becoming a better Mark. You're learning things that will work to your advantage in a relationship with your wife; or if she chooses not to recover with you - your new skills will help you in future relationships.

Why do I think you are doing so well? For one, you are not "educating" your wife. You are showing her what you're learning by your behavior.
You are confusing the heck out of her. You are giving her every chance to grow with you and keep your marriage.

Problem is, you have no control over her choices. You may not agree with her choices and you'll have to accept that fact. What I see you doing is your very best; and making choices after getting advice from the experts. What more can you do; but continue on your journey. You can't decide for your wife if she comes with you or not.

I suggest that you start making a life for yourself and inviting her to participate every step of the way. If she chooses not to participate, you keep going. Because you living your life does not depend on her participation.

That is true for all of us. All we can be is our best selves and inviting our loved ones to join us on our journey.

End of post to Mark! Blessings, CSue

I agree with Pep,
When she gets mad, you can just smile and say "Did I ever tell you that you are soooo cute when you are mad?"

Just make sure there is nothing close to her that she could throw.

SS

Pepper:

" Why not? What threatens you about this prospect? She yells at you and .... what? You collapse? You yell back? You wet you pants?"

I "argued back". I didn't yell. I felt the need to "end" the argument, so I left.

"WHAT is the worst possible (but still likely) senario that keeps you from doing what needs to be done?"

This kind of argument. I hate anger. I KNOW what it does to me when I don't control it (I used to kick our dog and cats when I was a teenager. THEY couldn't defend themselves or even tell on me. *I* couldn't control my anger. I stopped it altogether. I've maybe gotten truly "angry" 2 or 3 times since I was a teenager. Seriously. I believe Greg Baer when he says "Just remember, whenever you are angry with someone, you are wrong." My W doesn't share that opinion (we talked about this at length last November when we were listening to his CDs). We agreed that it's counterproductive to get angry, but she wouldn't agree that it's wrong.

As for what "needs to be done." I'm feeling at somewhat of a loss here. What needs to be done? Maybe what needs to be done is for me to stop harping on the past and let go of this M? I don't believe this, at least most of the time, but I think about it more and more all the time...

My W has to decide what she wants her future to be. I have to decide what I want MY future to be. I have to also decide whether I can live within her concept of OUR future, such as it may or may not be.

I'm rambling and depressing myself now. $h!+

CSue:

"What would happen if you pretended that RM didn't exist?"

I did this, remember? From July to December. I'm doing it again, after that argument. What happened last time is that my W "thought I was okay with RM as a friend" because I wasn't talking about him. Remember also that I had clearly stated my boundaries MANY TIMES before that, so where did she get that idea?

"I think you've said that your wife has promised no PA. She talks with him and he wants PA; but she is still choosing you over him otherwise she wouldn't be in the same house as you."

And maybe it's my paranoia, but I wonder just how close she came to choosing to go live with him in December?? Or sometime in the future, if we have an argument or something goes wrong with the house or s...

Your post to Mark is very helpful. It's also something I know, and am more aware of minute by minute than I was in the past months. I can't control anything my W might decide. I truly don't want to control her, and SHOULDN'T want to control her. Trouble is, while she decides (and she IS still confused, regardless of the fact that she hasn't left) I get less and less excited about our M.

-Qfwfq

SS:

We're living in a confined space, packed with all kinds of heavy objects, while our house is being rebuilt, remember? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I would have to have faster reflexes than I do in order to duck in time!

-Qfwfq

Well shoot. I skipped out of a meeting to post this thread. I'd better get back to it!

Thanks for the responses so far,
-Qfwfq

T-Z~~~

What physically happends to you when you hear your wife yell? Just before your anger ... what sensations do you experience?

Can you become emotional sans anger?

You know, I have extensive experience in this department!

Our 16-year old becomes ANGRY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> whenever he feels sad.

Why can't you show your naked sadness to the woman you love with all your heart??????

Pep

What needs to be done

This is what I think:

You are hiding. You "need" to show yourself. If you leave this M without facing your fears of emotional confrontations .... then what? Hiding vs running away??? Is there no other option you can see?

Pep (with platonic love, ya know)

<<<but I don't know how long I can/should wait for her to decide what she wants to do with her life>>>

T-Zero -- I am not sure why you don't see this. She has ALREADY decided what she wants to do with her life, and she is doing it right now. She has both a devoted husband who will do anything and everything for her, *and* she gets to have her fun friend on the side, too.

THAT is what she wants. THAT is what she has chosen. THAT is what she makes clear to you every single day.

I have said many times on these boards that just sitting and waiting and hoping that a WS will suddenly wake up on their own and do the right thing is going to be the longest wait of your life. And it is, isn't it?

TZ -- NOTHING is going to change here unless YOU make it change. If you want change, you are going to have to stand up for yourself and your marriage and FIGHT for it. Do you call what you have now a marriage? It is slowly destroying you. It WILL destroy you.

I'm not sure why you prefer either divorce or the daily torment you endure now to a good healthy dose of Plan B, or why you are so fearful of your wife's anger. She and her boyfriend have been controlling you for far too long, and they do it for one reason and one reason only: because they can.

Please stop waiting for them to change. They are not going to do that. They are both as happy as pigs in sh*t right now and they will stay that way just as long as you let them.

If you want this, you are going to have to fight for it. If someone gets angry, so what? Isn't your marriage worth some discomfort? Are you so afraid of an argument, or of standing up for yourself, that you would rather lose everything?

What's more important here?

Pepper:

"What physically happends to you when you hear your wife yell? Just before your anger ... what sensations do you experience?"

This is where typed words on a page fall short...:

"Can you become emotional sans anger?"

Usually, I do this. And even when I'm angry, I seldom raise my voice. I may get "firm", but even that puts my W on the defensive, because *I* would characterize her as controlling, not me, and she's not in control when I keep my anger in check.

"You know, I have extensive experience in this department!

Our 16-year old becomes ANGRY whenever he feels sad."

Yes! I'm sorry you had to get this kind of experience.

"Why can't you show your naked sadness to the woman you love with all your heart??????"

Hm... I thought I could. Maybe I don't. Maybe she's having as hard a time reading MY mind as I am hers!

-Qfwfq

Pep:

And this is exactly what I tried to do, when I changed usernames and offered my W the chance to read what I post. She isn't interested. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's cakewalking, maybe she's too busy and this all isn't a big deal for her.

I realize I've gotten myself disappointed again over expectations I refused to admit I had. This radical honesty stuff is VERY HARD, as many have pointed out (and I have to others).

I will keep working on it.

-Qfwfq

pb:

Well, I wouldn't exactly say that my life and M are miserable. Far from it. That's part of the problem. Compared to MOST people with REAL problems here, my sitch is peachy. My hasn't gone to live with RM, hasn't seen him in over a year, and clearly doesn't want to lose US. But she sure would like me to walk up to her and say "you know, RM ain't such a bad @$$hole after all!"

I don't want to try a "healthy dose of plan B" because there's no way it would work in our sitch right now, and not for many months at least. We have this big old house that needs our daily attention, along with all the twits we have to deal with while we rebuild. We really can't just walk away from it. So, even if we decide to split up tomorrow, we'd have to work together daily to get the house back together so we could either sell it or buy the other out and keep it. And, like I've said before, I don't believe my "love bank" is draining, because I don't believe in conditional love. I DO believe I have a "respect bank" that's got problems right now, though. Still, can't see plan Bing with all we've got to deal with.

No, the best thing for ME to do "force" a change is to change my behavior. Stop running away from confrontations. Stop "waiting" for her to make decisions to comply with my requirements. But by that I have to not NEED her to decide. She may have to decide for herself what she wants, and find out for herself that her favorite choices require concessions on the part of myself that aren't acceptable. But I can't educate her. I can't "lay down the law" and tell her she has to stop contact (Remember, I did just about that when I calmly said "I need you to stop talking to RM" just a week and a half ago - for the umpteenth time since D-day).

All this ignores some of the good things that have been going on between us that would put an entirely different slant on this thread if I spent the time and listed them. But my purpose here was to figure out what I may be doing wrong and fix that. I'd like to initiate change without forcing her to make choices to placate me. That's what I'm not so damned good at.

-Qfwfq

<small>[ January 24, 2003, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: T-zero ]</small>

TZ; I said it before: you have two choices, you can either stay in the R the way it is right now and like it (or hate it!), or you can leave the relationship. But it is YOUR choice, not hers, and not based on what SHE does/says/feels/decides. It is ONLY your choice because you cannot change her, and you cannot expect her to magically change for you; it won't happen. Or rather, it won't happen while the status-quo remains.

Analyze my case, TZ. I remained on-board, and reached a point where the on-going contact did not affect me much in terms of anger or hurt, but it was not a satisfying R for ME, how could it be? And all this time passed, I loved her as best I could and as much as she'd allow me to, but she has not changed a single thing; why would she?

Until she sees and feels she needs to change something, she won't. Perhaps if we were more perfect beings capable of pure and complete unconditional love, they may begin to see some benefits to it and decide to reciprocate. But unfortunately, even while fully accepting that she is as she is, and that I cannot change her, I guess I was unable to show such purity and devotion for it to have made an impact on her behavior.

pb (and Pepper):

Pepper's post on forevertogether's thread:

"Somewhere in the 2-3 years post D day, I no longer was in acute pain, but was in sub-acute pain ... which , in some ways was worse! Why? Because I expected myself to heal fast! I had guarded myself from further hurt by thinking and committing myself to the following plan:

"I will hang in here with this marriage for 5 more years. When the kids are older, I will divorce him, and finally escape this nagging pain. Things right now are good, H is out of the fog, H is doing what he needs to be doing to recover, but my heart is too far away from true healing, and I need more in my life. I will stay here for my family, and then I will make my escape."

.... but, ever so slowly, my perspective changed. My sub-acute pain became sub-acute discomfort ... which gradually became so distant, that the only way I could recall the discomfort was to DO IT DELIBERATELY! Then I had to face MY crucible ..... did I enjoy my pain/discomfort so much that I was unwilling to "let it go"?

Everyone talks about the 2 year recovery time line. And that's true, for the really awful acute pain to heal, it takes about 2 years. The discomfort after that is sneakier and more oblique ... and in some ways more stubborn (with me anyway).

Short answer is this .... YES complete and total healing is possible.

The magic/imaginary door labled "closure" ....you NEVER reach ... it doesn't exist. You'll distance yourself gradually from the hurt. And, you learn much about yourself in the process." -end of Pepper quote.

THIS is where I want to be. I want to be able to look back at some point in this and say "huh, that's what I was after, and I didn't even notice when I got it." I want to be able to tell you all (and myself) NOW, that I can hang on for another year if 2 years is the typical time it takes to recover from the pain. I want to be able to say, NOW, that "yes, my M is worth that much to me that even though I'll continue to suffer some over the next year while I've got other, very pressing things to be worrying about, I CAN DO THIS for another year (or more, if it takes that).

So, this thread may not be so much a commentary on how my M is or isn't doing right now, and when/if my W will "come around" to the "right" way of thinking or not. It's about ME and what I learn from this experience and how I handle myself (not how I handle my W).

I'm not sure that I expected to heal fast, but I sure wanted to after D-day. The pain for the first 7 months was very acute, but it's also definitely been subacute since. And I agree with Pepper, this seems more sinister than the obvious pain, because along with it comes the threat of undeserved self-confidence and wishful thinking. ...and impatience, and at the same time complacency (thinking I'm right and I've "learned" and can stop and wait for HER to hurry up and do the same, or live life "knowing" I've evolved and she hasn't).

And while I don't think I've formulated a plan (certainly not a 5-year one), I did have a subconscious plan to do something like you describe. I still have moments when I think "the damage was done 12 years ago, and it can't be undone. Never mind that contact continues, the damage is irreparable, her character is flawed." I need to focus on why I feel that way, and why I think I would feel better by punishing my W by tossing our 27 year M in the can for what she's done to me. After all, I'd still have the hurt, because I'd been protecting it from exorcism by blame-shifting rather than internal reflection and honest to gosh problem-solving.

And: "did I enjoy my pain/discomfort so much that I was unwilling to "let it go"?" The answer is obviously "no" (or we think it should be) and yet we all do it. WTF?

Last week I posted how euphoric I was feeling in the days after that "argument" we had. I still have that feeling much of the time now, though this thread might not make it seem that way. I'm "depressed" precisely for this reason: I can't let go of my hurt. I ponder what may not be said between my W and RM daily sometimes (though the frequency of this "mental self-abuse" is decreasing with time, thankfully). I just want to heal NOW. I want to have all my wits about me when we have another R talk. I have a lot of them about me, but I can still be drawn into an argument too easily and I need to put a stop to that.

I wonder if this makes any sense. I can certainly convey the wrong impression with a certain amount of finesse, can't I?

-Qfwfq

SC:

"Until she sees and feels she needs to change something, she won't."

This sounds like advocacy for plan B.

"Perhaps if we were more perfect beings capable of pure and complete unconditional love, they may begin to see some benefits to it and decide to reciprocate."

Hm... I think that was starting to happen, actually, when I was "forgetting about RM" and uloving my W between August and December. And I still believe that the "collapse" occurred NOT because I wasn't doing a good job at it, or because I'm imperfect and Ulove requries more perfection than I can dish out, but BECAUSE of the changes in RMs sitch during that same time period and the increased pressure he was putting on my W.

"But unfortunately, even while fully accepting that she is as she is, and that I cannot change her, I guess I was unable to show such purity and devotion for it to have made an impact on her behavior."

Or maybe you weren't meant to impact her behavior, just show by example that there was a better way to behave. A way that's so damned attractive that she'd want nothing else but to experience it with you. SC, isn't this what happened to a friend of ours and her WH? So, I believe it's possible. Whether it's necessary or even desirable to save a particular M is what I'm too close to to be able to tell at this point.

-Qfwfq

***Stop "waiting" for her to make decisions to comply with my requirements. But by that I have to not NEED her to decide.***

How on earth can you be married to this woman, and say you love her, and NOT need her to decide that she wants only you? How can you NOT need your own wife to decide that she's not going to have sex and emotional intimacy with another man?? How is that possible??

She is not your child. She is your wife. It is a very different sort of love, as well it should be.

***She may have to decide for herself what she wants***

TZ -- she HAS ALREADY decided what she wants. She HAS decided. She has decided she wants both a husband and a boyfriend. And that's exactly what she's got.

***I can't "lay down the law" and tell her she has to stop contact (Remember, I did just about that when I calmly said "I need you to stop talking to RM" just a week and a half ago - for the umpteenth time since D-day).***

And she ignored you, right? And why shouldn't she? You have made it very plain to her that whatever makes her happy is ok with you. Even if it you hurts you a little, well, her happiness is important enough to you that you'll suck it up and be ok. She honestly believes this is no big deal to you. So why should it be any big deal to her?

There are zero consequences here for her behavior. None. She and her boyfriend have learned that you might politely ask them to stop but other than that, you will not lift a finger to stop them, you will not fight for your marriage, they are free to do whatever they like with each other, and they can disregard you completely because NOTHING will happen if they do.

And even if you do get your feathers ruffled now and then, well, you always get over it and go back to being nice non-interfering T-Zero, don't you? To them, an occasional outburst from you is just the cost of doing business. They know it doesn't mean a thing. So they keep right on going, and you and your marriage keep right on dying a little each day.

I can tell you one thing from a female point of view: No woman is going to respect a man who says he loves her but then just sits back and does nothing when another man moves in. It may not be right, it may not be fair, but there it is. The words (I love you and only you) do not match the actions (but if someone else wants you, I'll tolerate it.)

Please think about it. You do not deserve to live this way.

<<<I'm "depressed" precisely for this reason: I can't let go of my hurt.>>>

Of course you can't. Your wife is doing the most painful and humiliating thing possible to you, and you are forcing yourself not to react. THAT kind of hurt will not let go of YOU.

***I ponder what may not be said between my W and RM daily sometimes (though the frequency of this "mental self-abuse" is decreasing with time, thankfully).***

That is not "mental self-abuse," in my humble opinion. That is every instinct you have screaming at you that another man is moving in on your wife and you had better DO SOMETHING NOW unless you are willing to lose her.

***I just want to heal NOW***

TZ - this is like wanting to heal from a stab wound when someone comes along and drives the knife in again and again each da -- and then wondering why you don't get better.

I know that what I am saying is not what you want to hear. But unless you would rather hear your wife talking to her boyfriend, and maybe hear that she's having sex with him again, you will have to take a different approach. Stand up for what you care about, or watch someone else take it away from you. Good luck.

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: psycho_b ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T-zero:
<strong>SC:

"Until she sees and feels she needs to change something, she won't."

This sounds like advocacy for plan B.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not advocating Plan B at all. How we each deal with the reality that our WS sees no need or has any desire to change, is up to each of us. If you believe that "Plan B" might do that, OK. I personally don't believe so, since in many ways it's trying to force something, but my point is not to tell you what to do ABOUT it, it is to help you see that YOU cannot DO anything about it. Only SHE can do that. And she will when SHE feels she needs to, not before.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Perhaps if we were more perfect beings capable of pure and complete unconditional love, they may begin to see some benefits to it and decide to reciprocate."

Hm... I think that was starting to happen, actually, when I was "forgetting about RM" and uloving my W between August and December. And I still believe that the "collapse" occurred NOT because I wasn't doing a good job at it, or because I'm imperfect and Ulove requries more perfection than I can dish out, but BECAUSE of the changes in RMs sitch during that same time period and the increased pressure he was putting on my W. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I understand. I guess the point, and you make it yourself, is that this is not about "starting to forget about RM", it's about really changing your feelings about it in such a way that what RM does or does not do doesn't affect you. Letting time help you "forget" is not an effective way of living; after all, anything could happen at any time which will throw you for a loop again; as it has.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"But unfortunately, even while fully accepting that she is as she is, and that I cannot change her, I guess I was unable to show such purity and devotion for it to have made an impact on her behavior."

Or maybe you weren't meant to impact her behavior, just show by example that there was a better way to behave. A way that's so damned attractive that she'd want nothing else but to experience it with you. SC, isn't this what happened to a friend of ours and her WH? So, I believe it's possible. Whether it's necessary or even desirable to save a particular M is what I'm too close to to be able to tell at this point.
-Qfwfq </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, the idea was not necessarily to impact her behavior. It was to show her I love her either way, and if the same feeling arose in her, great! But it didn't, so I can only surmise it was my inability to create enough of a feeling of true love for it to make it desirable for her to see that maybe she might want to do something to keep it.
And yes, it IS what happened to our friend, and given enough time and quality, it'll probably work for everyone. Maybe I was unable to do it long enough, maybe...a lot of things!
When it becomes evident to us that WE want something more, that WE deserve something better, that WE don't have what we desire in a R, then maybe it's time to call it quits; like I have done. I simply arrived at the conclusion that it was, after 1 1/2 years of this, unlikely that my W would ever be a person I could truly be happy with again.
It's not a judgment of her; she is perfect the way she is. It's a judgment of me, and what I desire from a committed intimate relationship.