My Plan A seems to be working. My WS decided not to move out after D-Day. He's been accountable regarding his whereabouts this past week and has not gone on one of his tirades which Steve Harley attributes to withdrawal.

However, he refuses to talk to me at all about the OW. He almost wants to act like he did not have an A and get caught. He said to me today "you're always wanting to talk about me and someone else?" It seems like to me that this is a BAD SIGN. He continues to keep so much of his feelings and thoughts and actions secret from me. He only wants to talk about my contribution to our marital problems. Plan A seems to be working but he needs to start taking some responsibility for his actions. This is becoming frustrating! It's like we are totally denying reality.

Is this a pattern any of you have experienced?

Another question: During Plan A,is it recommended to talk about how hurt you will be if there is CONTACT? The weekend is coming up. After last weekend, when I thought he had been with her, I had a really hard time, crying all Sunday night. We have never really talked about this since then.

Help!!!!

Pretty Normal that they only want to BLAMe someone else for what is wrong, quite immature as well.

IMHOpinion... Plan a does not at all involve any sort of demand or requst to talk about the relationship. In fact relationship talk can very well be an LB.

Likely that your H is experiencing guilt and confusion and would like to blame his having the A, on how you treated him beforehand... and thus DROVE him to it... hehehe.... not very funny, right?

I agree it is not very funny... it is my h's stance.

I reccomend IMHO... dropping relationship talk for a while, if you are new at this... since he is only just staying home.. YOU R quite LUCKY... my h LEFT and has been gone a LONG TIME>

So, enjoy this accomplishment - remember you have time and wait, waiting can actually help.

If you are in counseling with Stever Harley, let him guide you down this road.

WSpouses... like to blame bs. Just out of the WS handbook 101. They all do this.

I also reccomend the book, Boundaries by Townsend, I am reading it and it is incredible... it is christian based, so I hope you don't mind that stance.

It does get better.

When your ws acts like a 2 yr old... do what a good mother would and love him in spite of it, but don't let him hurt you while doing it..... but put your boundaries in place... and no disrepectful judgements, demands, etc for now. SHow you love him with loving kindness the recovery and talk you want abou t his A and the realtionship will come in time.

Counseling should be a big help to help him feel safe talking the truth and owning his responsibility for the wrongs he did. I reccomend the Harelys, or a christian setting.. otherwise you might find some counselor who may even agree with your h and his anger and that you helped cause the affair... well, we all contribute... but blah blah, many mainstream counselors are trained too too much in helping the individual find his or her happiness.. regardless of how they treat others, including a spouse.

Hope this helps some, this is coming from my experience, and may not work for you. HOpe I am not too jaded, still hurting a bit myself, but have learned a lot these last 16 months plus.

Hugs, Honey

Mimi, Maybe I need to trace your threads... alittle tired to do this right now. When did you find out? Was he with her last weekend? Hugs, Honey

i,d say its fairly normal.its been less than a month.your right he would rather just forget it.his thinking is ignor it and it will go away.hes not ready to face it yet.i'm sure you are getting tired of hearing this but hang in there.be patient.it was over a year till my wife was able to say she had an affair.till that point it was "just a thing".in her eyes it was nothing really.she even called it "just close friends"one time.and she didn't not want to discuss anything to do with him.still doesn't.he is a smile on her face that i'll never understand.its something i have to accept.
about the weekend,do you know if he was with her?its not good to assume.i do enough of it and it hurts alot.and for the weekend coming up....if you cant be together,give him something to come home to.and give him something to think of you .if i had a feeling that my wife was going to visit someone,i would let a card or something for her.just a reminder of where she was wanted.i did something once just to get to the other man.i knew she was going to see him so i put a hickey on her neck.just a little something for him to see.kinda "i'm still around",theory.it must have worked cuz she came home abit early that day and kinda mad.and not at me.forgive me but i cant remember if you have intitiated NC yet.or should i say has he?if not,its probably about time for that,if so then you have a right to confront him on that issue.i certaily understand that you are afraid of upsetting him and causing him to leave but if you do nothing he may leave anyway.thats your man there...fight for him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>

However, he refuses to talk to me at all about the OW. He almost wants to act like he did not have an A and get caught. He said to me today "you're always wanting to talk about me and someone else?" It seems like to me that this is a BAD SIGN.
Help!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mimi,

That is a perfectly NORMAL sign. He feels guilty as hell and is still somewhat defensive. The more you push him, the more defensive he will become. Just imagine that you have just been caught stealing a candy bar. You are embarrassed, ashamed and quite defensive. When pushed you become even more defensive. However, if LEFT ALONE with your conscience for a while, *YOU* become your own worst critic once the embarrassment and the pressure has worn off.

It is at that point that you can openly admit your wrongdoing and talk about it.

It took several months for my H to come clean and express regret. He now expresses deep regret but it took time to get there because I made him so defensive. Just hang in there, you are definitely on the right track. You just have to give him time to come out of this. Does he know that you sobbed all night last weekend?

Hi All:

I do have a problem of wanting everything to go so fast. I keep forgetting that D-Day was less than a month ago. It has seemed like an eternity.
A lot of good has happened. He had planned to rent an apartment, had the power turned on and everything but he backed out of it. However, I just KNOW that he continues to have CONTACT with her. I can tell. Its when he leaves the house upbeat like he's going on a date, going to get his FIX.

I'm going to try to think of something to make him want to come home. I know, though, that right now he doesn't really want to be at home. He has been at home all day today and hs seemed depressed and withdrawn.

That's a good idea about not doing the relationship talk. That's what he wants to talk about. He wants to go over and over all the things that I did to get HIM into this mess so that he just HAD to have a relationship with someone else.

Steve H. thinks that my WS is trying to do NC. I believe that too since he's been accountable except for last weekend. Each day he has been calling me if he is going to be late. He never did this prior to D-Day. I know that they certainly are having minimal contact. The problem is that he refuses to tell me what he is doing about her. So Rob, what should I say? Ask him point blank, are you still talking to her/seeing her? Or should I say "You know it would hurt me if you are still seeing her". I did say that "we can't stay married if you keep seeing her". He said "that's obvious". I also have asked him "Where do we stand?". He insists, "I don't know". In answer to "Are you trying?", he says "I guess". You see, he gives me no real answers. The message he conveys is "Actions speak louder than words"

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Hi Melody:
I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post.

My WS knew that I was crying and seemed sad for me although he didn't say anything about it.

His answer was to initiate sex the next night. I think he knows that is reassuring to me. He seemed to want to really be with me too. Lots more passion than there has been in a long time!

I'm trying to hang in there!

OK it's only been 4 weeks since Dday. Cutting it off can take time. It's horribly painful though.

But not too much time. You can't take it. But, follow Steve's advice on this one.

My WH had 6 weeks of ongoing A after Dday. Then I put my foot down- I told him (after intercepting a graphic sexual message from her on his cell phone)- "I can not live with a liar and a cheat." Told him I didn't like the person this A was turning him into.
Of course he tried to delay cutting it off. Finally he flew out to see her and did break it off (with a few good bye f@#$s thrown in) (wish I knew how to put in some sad face icons.)
There was some dribs and drabs of phone contact afterwards, and then I found he had tried to contact her after some LBs on my part. So at that point I showed him the door, and he broke down and promised NC forever- and has been true to that promise. He went from "I'm living in a prison cell, with you checking my cell phone" to "Check my cell phone anytime". I don't even bother anymore.

As far as this weekend goes- Mimi (I suggest this and you ignore or don't respond) what ideas do you have for some weekend plans to suggest to your WH that he could do with you and enjoy? Even if he turns you down at first.

ok mimi,lets talk about actions vrs words.he comes home.that is an action.if he didn't want to be there he wouldn't come home!be careful you dont let your feelings speak for him.its easy to do and we've all done it.
"what should you say"...yes ask him.its a yes or no question.sure let him know it hurts you when he does contact her.you also have to show him you can accept the yes answer.if he knows you react badly he will lie.its all about chioces for him.up till now you've been plan A'n it.so you can accept his "yes" answer and continue with plan a or you can give him a chioce.you or her.its up to you.i know your in the dark about thier relationship so its hard to tell if your plan is working.from what i've read from you i'd have to say it is.he backed out of moving out,and is still intimate with you.his "i dont know" answers are probably the truth.he really doesn't know.he wants to dreadge on the past issues you have.normal.he was unhappy and strayed,he wants to know that you are going to meet his needs.he figuers that if he keeps drilling them you will change.maybe you need to ,maybe you dont,not for me to decide.what do you do when he brings up his issues with you.are you supportive of them or do you ignore him.its going to be hard to move froward if the past issues are not addressed and corrected.his affair is the present,so thers no confusion.one thing at a time.if you try to deal with to many issues at once you will scare him off.i would suggust that if he wants to talk about the issues that lead to his A,then let him talk and you listen.have you accepted your part in this yet.i dont remember you mentioning this issue so far.if you both recongnize what went wrong and vow to fix it his dependance on the other woman will lessen.and once again"actions speak louder that words".
its a rough road and i know it hurts.but is he worth it to you?
p.s ...answer that last question to yourself!

Mimi,

Just a thought, maybe if you don't ask to many questions at one time he might be more willing to answer you. Rapid fire questions drove my H crazy. If he does answer, just listen, hear him out. And I found if he doesn't want to talk don't push it. Usually you'll get the answer anyway.

From everything you say he really does want to be home with you. That means a lot more than words. He'll figure it out sooner or later and then there will be plenty of time to ask and tell all. Have a great weekend.