Dear All,
I was so touched yesterday after my 1st post on the site that I was "not alone". I recently found out that my husband had an affair. He's been reluctant to tell me the details in the past month since I've found out. On Mon. I learned that our wedding vows had been broken. The truth is out now. I've been so devastated by all of it (see 1st post dated Jan. 23rd w/ the details). Yesterday, I spent time reading the web site. I saw a counselor a few times, but due to a recent change in my health ins. I've got to go to someone else--it's like I take one step forward & 2 backwards.It's like living it all over again. My H refuses to go to counseling-thinks he doesn't need it at all. He has a lot of issues. This is his 2nd marriage,my 1st. His 1st marriage was filled with adultery--his 1st wife cheated and he retaliated by cheating on her. When he was separated from her & waiting on his divorce to be final, prior to meeting me, he was very promiscuous & would have sex with any woman he'd pick up at a bar. This type of behavior lasted about 1 year & then he met me in June 1987. During this promiscuous time in his life, he was approx. 31 years of age. He had liaisons w/ women who were just barely 18 to being married themselves. I dealt with all of this when we got together & we've been together for 15 1/2 years---married 12 of those years. He has 2 children from his 1st marriage who are now grown.I raised them & they are so precious to me. He recently told me that he remembers his parents arguing when he was a youngster & he thinks his dad had an affair & betrayed his mother.His folks are still married & seem happy. They are very involved in the church. My H used to have a strong faith. I've never been very involved in a church--my dad was catholic & mom was baptist; it was a tug of war in my house when I was a kid about church, so we didn't go much. My H and I have started attending church in the past month. I find myself on the brink of tears whenever I go to church. During the prayer time or singing, I tear up and start to cry. I think about God's words & I can see clearly what My H has done. I've started to read the Bible to get some solace there. I'm scared. I've read the book "Men's Needs, Women's Needs." My H has just about finished reading it too. He is very reluctant to dialogue, although he's highlighting points in the book. During this past month, I've been reflecting on my role in all of this & it's hard. I let my H drift from me. He's 10 years older & he likes to spend time alone-- has always been a loner I guess, but he's very gregarious, when around groups of people. I settled for the complaicancy in the relationship & the routine you fall into when you're married--you know, you work, come home, cook dinner, watch a little tv, converse, make love, but not as often as you used to (my BIG MISTAKE!!) etc. I missed the closeness of my husband, but I thought it was just his way. I beat myself up inside because I should have demanded more from him. If I had, maybe we wouldn't be in this pain today. It's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. Any advice for me? I'm trying to hang on, but it's so very hard.
jbcmec My personal e-mail is greeneyes@eudoramail.com---please write.
<small>[ January 24, 2003, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: jbcmec ]</small>
