Hi I posted this week about my wife of 20 years thats having a phone and online A with the old highschool boy friend whom she had to move away from when she was 17 because of her fathers transfer. I found some sexualy explict e-mails from her to OM and I blew up. I know that was an LB but I couldn't help it later we did settle down and was able to talk as friends In the letters she told him that he was the only man she had ever loved for the whole 23 years since they were took apart. She also said things to him that she has never said to me. When I confronted her with this she said that when she got back in touch with him that she realised that she never really loved me and that she wants me to move on with my life and find someone else that can love me back. We have 3 kids and I don't want to bust up our family but she says there is no hope for a future with us. But she is willing for us to live together for the family as long as I expect no kind of relationship between us other than being friends. She also said that if she had the chance to be with this OM that she would be gone to be with him (his wife leaving etc.) Can two people live like this or do I just need to leave and move on with my life. I don't know if I could live here being in love with her knowing that she fills this way about OM and refuses to stop talking to him. I need some advice bad P.S. she says I just keep hanging on to nothing

<small>[ January 26, 2003, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: 20years ]</small>

20 years:

Click the paper and pencil icon at the top of your post. This will allow you to edit your topic. I would suggest you change it to something like HELP or URGENT and you will get quicker responses. There are less people here on the weekend. However, you will get exceptional help on this board. I am new to this too. I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

i'm sure everyone will tell you:

DONT GIVE UP!!!!!!

<small>[ January 26, 2003, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

20y, there are several things you need to do at this point.

1. DO NOT argue or conflict with your wife in any way until you have done some serious homework, and given your emotions time to settle a bit. DO NOT talk about the affair at all.

2. DO NOT talk about the affair (or any relationship talk about your marriage etc.)

3. DO NOT talk about the affair, etc., well you get the idea...right?

4. DO read all the material on this site (not just the boards, but the actual articles etc.).

5. Tell your wife only something like the following.

______ (fill in with name of wife) I am obviously distressed over this revelation our marriage is in trouble, but I want to assure you I am not going to express anger at you, or mistreat you. I am going to try to understand what the real truths are about myself, and us, and make decisions from that knowledge. In the meantime I am willing to continue to pull my weight, listen to your needs, and continue to provide a stable home for our children. I hope you are willing to do the same while we sort this out.

DO NOT let this morph into a relationship discussion. If it heads that way, simply say you are unable to really talk about all this any further for now, and need some time. If she gets angry, that is ok, you communicated what you intend to do now, just go on and do it. Tell her you are sorry she is angry, and will do your best not to provoke her. DO NOT respond angrily to ANYTHING she does/says until you have studied this site, read a few books (which will be recommended) and have your emotions under control.

There is more, and I will add to this later, this is just emergency first aid. I am sure many others will too. You will be ok, but your life has changed permanently, that is not necessarily bad, everything in life is an opportunity. Clearly all was not right in your marriage, now you know that, and can deal with it. Just slow deep breaths, nothing is going to happen right away (usually), you have lots of time to deal with this.

Hi all, This morning she told me that she had e-mailed me a letter andto read it after she left for work. This iswhat the letter said "I have an offer for you. If you want to stay together as friends with a relationship, we can do that. I can if you can. We can have a physical relationship. But please understand how I feel. I love you as a friend and we do share a special bond. We can live together contently. I just want you to understand my feelings. However if you want to move out and find someone new, then that is your choice. If you cannot live together as friends with a physical relationship, then I understand and it will be best for you to move on. I cannot help the way I feel about everything. But I will try the relationship (sexually) but it will be as friends only. And I am sorry, but I can't stop talking with __OM___. This is an offer if you want it". What does she mean with a letter like that? We talked this weekend about me moving out and she even offerd to try to fix me up with a girl she works with. I just don't know if the thought of being here alone with taking care of the kids has her affraid or what. It's like someone said before she likes me meeting some of her needs as well as OM meeting the rest of them. But I can't get over her telling me she has never loved me the way she does the OM. I don't know what to do stay here and try to win her back by meeting as many EN's as I can or moving out and starting plan B and letting her see what life witout me would be like? Also I can't forget her telling me there is no future for us and if she has chance to be with OM she's out of here. Did she really mean the things she said or does she even know what she wants. Any help would be great and thanks.

Stop coming to the forums until you've read everything at Marriage Builders ... all the articles, the letters, the concepts. Everything. (That is, if you haven't already.)

Your wife is having an affair (I don't believe that we should distinguish between emotional affairs and physical affairs) and is trying to push the decision of ending your marriage onto you. It's a common wayward spouse tactic. This is a very confusing time for you right now. You are entitled to be angry. You are entitled to ask questions. It's your life. It's your kids' life.

Use this list to help:

A) You don't have to make any decisions today -- nothing has to be decided immediately; give it time, wait it out and see what happens.

B) You can only control your own actions, nobody else's. Somebody doesn't do something because you willed them to do it.

C) The car dealer that appears confident and offers a good product is the one that makes the sale; not the dealer that is emotional and begs for the sale.

D) Go above the call of duty. Put more in than you take out. Especially when it's difficult.

E) Listen to your gut, not your head. Do the right thing. Always. It may be difficult, but you'll never hate yourself for it.

F) If somebody wants space, give it to them.

G) Find ways to love yourself. Esteem is hard in this situation.

H) Don't bring up the past out of anger or to hurt; do it to clear things up and avoid bringing it up when there's no need.

I) Don't worry about being right. Do what works.

20yrs. My H went online, contacted his old high school sweetheart and had EA for months. Finally they agreed to meet twice in another state and vacation together, It became PA then.
Boy, was he disappointed! She was not the person he'd loved in HS.
However, I would not want my S to have PA to find out like mine did. Funny, he spent 3 days with her first time. Then went back for week together before he found out they were totally incompatible.
Could you talk her into a meeting with this guy with you present?
I broke an engagement in 1962 with someone I loved deeply,due to a lie about his seeing someone else. I found out the lie afterwards. For 20 yrs I grieved over him. When my brother died in 1981, I had a chance to see him again.
Mind you, with my daughter present so we had no A. But I saw immediately that I had no feelings left for him.
21 yrs makes a big difference in people. Even though my H had had an A just about 3 yrs prior, I know it was my H I loved and wanted still.
What we remember is not there anymore! So I think your W is living in fantasyland just as MY WH and OW were!
He even thought he loved her at the time and not me. But that has changed now and it's me he loves and tells me so.
WE tend to live in past and think of the good times only with OP. But go find out how different they are and you wonder why you wasted so much time thinking about them.
I hope she finds her disappointment as My WH did!
God bless, LouLou