Does my H like the woman he's made out of me better than the one I was? Is his ego boosted more now, his self-worth etc.?

I used to be laid back, granting him freedom to come and go, never questioning relationships/friendships/whereabouts. Totally trusting.

Now I'm jealous when he looks at other women, talks to other women. I'm suspicious of him and have no trust of other women either. If he's late, I call him. (or at least question where he's been.) I'm clingy, I'm not as self-confident. (even though my confidence has not been shaken to the core by his A). I'm dressing meticulously, I'm unrelaxed in a crowd. I hang back instead of being outgoing and friendly to others.

When I look at the "new" me, I think, how can he like this? I've never been this way and he fell in love with me as my old self, not my new self. Then I think that some of my new characteristics may actually make him feel wanted (his reason for the A was because he didn't feel wanted at home), make him feel superior, etc.

Do our spouses really like these changes?

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

I could have wrote this one, too.

You sound JUST like me. Maybe we should ask them.
DB

Doubtful! It's true that once we became a BS...it changed us. And for the short/mid term...not for the better, that's for sure.

I once informed H that he had created this "new me". I did NOTHING to bring this person into being. His actions and choices had done this to me, to us! It was largely up to him as to how this "new me" was going to evolve, if we were to continue our marriage.

We both miss the old me, he'd give about anything today to be able to bring that old me back...ain't going to happen. As with all things in life, we change and we grow. That old me was far from perfect and "she" has now been gifted with being " near-perfect"...well she wasn't!!! But oh how the WS likes to re-write history...and in this case...I got a halo and wings! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I do miss "her", but I like this new me NOW...not the one I was several months ago, but the "me" I am today, is wiser, more open, more honest, more aware. Shame about that halo and wings...but I guess I'll just have to live without them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I could have written every word of your post. I've thought about this a lot. I am responsible for how I behave, it's true, but this thing has changed me forever.

There are definitely ways that I've improved, hopefully through life we always find ways to improve ourselves. But how do you know if they are just tolerating our little jealousies because they feel responsible for them, or if it really makes them feel wanted?

My FWH seems perfectly content for me to show signs of jealousy and clinginess. Is this what he WANTED out of his A? Someone to cling to him, really show they want him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It doesn't seem that they would be 100% positive of the changes in the woman that they married. They married each and everyone of us because of who we were back then. But hey, maybe midlife crisis changes perspectives of a mans eye to his woman.

I was quite niave, him being the only man I have ever been with sexually. He on the other hand was more experienced. I learned a lot from my husband. I trusted this man that showed me attention, and treated me kindly. I was searching for a career, and he helped me create a career, even though it is now outdated. I found one thing that I want in a relationship with a man. I want this man to be a christian man. I want this man to hold Jesus above me. I will be 2nd on the post. I want a man who believes in vows, committment, the bible, not affairs.

On the other hand now, I will be cautious with any man, and I do not ever plan on marrying another man in my life. One, for either of us to marry someone else is a sin in Gods eyes. So I am looking once again for a career, by myself.

I am not the person that my husband married. I am hurt, and my heart has been torn, and bleeding. This is a fact, and it will heal in time. But the scars will be there the rest of my life. Even like plastic surgery, the scars are covered, but there is always some sign of scar, even with plastic surgery. Any scar is never completely gone.

The betrayer will always know that they have scarred their partner for life. Some can show remorse and guilt about what they have done, which is what they should do. And some will just let their spouse suffer. But we will never be the person we were before the affair.

There is so much destruction that happened. The lies, the deceit, the denial, the stealing. All this, to the person that a vow was made and committment was stated at the altar.

I believe the betrayer knows that their spouse will never be the same, and I believe that most WS's feel bad about the changes that have happened in their spouse. Seems they would want a magic wand to wave around, and turn things back to before the affair. With both spouses being faithful, but now knowing the knowledge of how an affair starts, and the hurt felt. So that both can work on revitalizing their marriage.

I'm a man but have a lot of the same issues of course. I make sure I dress nicely and shave everyday now. That actually makes me feel better. My self-confidence took quite a hit at the beginning of this but is back and actually better than it was before any of this. I've always been a very happy person and even something this tragic doesn't keep me down for too long. One of the problems I have is that I'm too quick to want to forgive people and get over things, which is not good when your S is in an A. It does lead to more bad behavior on there part I think. One of the things I have learned on this site which was a huge mistake I made was completely trusting my W. I let her do absolutely anything she wanted without question because I thought that's what she wanted. But even if your marriage is a good one you shouldn't trust your spouse that completely. It's asking for trouble. The trick is doing so without jealousy or smothering the other too much.

Hmmm - This one made me think. I think my FWH likes and dislikes the new me.

He told me once that I am more loving, I show him that he is important.

But, on the other hand, I am angry, hurt and sad. It doesn't take much to tick me off. I am a real hot head but, use to be able to control - that is not true anymore. Boy, do I have a smart mouth and many nasty come backs. Many, many times the last 3 out do the first one.

So, I think my FWH would like a little of the old and new me. Get rid of the hot temper or get it under control and keep the more loving part.

How are you doing Jamup?

Ditto! I, too, am different than I used to be.
Faith4me said exactly what I wanted. A man who put only God above me. And meant hi vows when he said them, determined to keep them for life. Alas! Twas not to be!
Faith, I would not give up on a happy marriage due to one man. There are some out there who can take their vows seriously and keep them. There is nothing to equal being loved and loving.
I have changed and trying to be like I was, but never will be the same. Yesterday I sat on H's lap, playing with him being flirty. We used to tease and be playful a lot. He finally said stop and move, You're hurting my stomach against it. I moved back but stayed. Still playful and flirting with eyes. He said many times he didn't like it.
Talk about hurt! i'm sure she did all these things and he ate it up. Never would have told her to stop. So how do we work at being who we were when they don't like us either way now.
It has made me write him a letter today that might be considered a LBer. But I had to say what I feel for I'm tired of burying my feelings.
I told him exactly how I felt that he was receptive to all her innuendos, flirting and attention, but that I'm not allowed to be that close anymore.
It might not be hard to fulfill needs if he would tell me what the hell he wants!
Seems one can do nothing right after an A. I guess they found MS Perfect and we're just the screw ups?
NOT! I know better, but how do we get them to see it.
I think he missed being playful, teasing and flirting, and adored getting it from her. Now I'm feeling like I'm held at arms length, Actually not entitled to feel close.
Anybody feel like their WS was more married to the OW than to them? I do! He always says my thinking is garbage and that I blow things out of proportion. Well, that certainly is not validating my feelings.
Yes, I'm different, and I don't think the real me is coming back again. Maybe the new me will be far better. But I hate that I lost so much confidence and self esteem. I used to feel really good about me. And I know I still should, but it's hard.
LouLou