After being clean of porn use for about 6 months, my husband delved right back in twice in the last 2 weeks. It was a great accomplishment that he had not looked for a long time, but all that trust I had built up is gone.
To boot, when I confrnted him, he proceeded to insult me.
He is going to school and just got a part time job last week. I also work 2 jobs to make ends meet. I took a job at a fast food place because there are no other jobs in town that can fit into his schedule without having to day care the babies.
He told me that I wouldn't be able to support the babies if I left him because "The only job you could get with your degree is at (insert anonymous fast food joint)" and that I am addicted to sugar and cannot lose weight.
I flew off the handle and told him he was a pervert.
Since, he has apologized for insulting me, but I am really tired of him insulting me and attackng me, turning the problem around on me, when HE does something wrong.
Last week, he called me and said he was feeling lonely and was wanting to use porn, but that he had "been good". The next day I snooped and found out he had downloaded a few movies. One was in the history as being viewed, but he said he didn't see it because it wouldn't work in the download program theater.
So, his phone call was basically a half truth. He contends that he was perfectly honest. I say that the only reason he didn't look at porn was because the theater didn't work. Otherwise, he would have looked. But he stopped and didn't keep trying until another one worked, he called me instead, so he's a hero in his eyes.
Also since, he said that porn is longer a part of his life. Forgive me, but how many times have I heard that? I guess I have no other choice to believe him and wait until the next time it happens.
As part of a resolution, I said he was not to use the computer while I wasn't home, he thought that was a little extreme but agreed. Hopefully he won't, but I am skeptical.
The clicher for me, and the main part of this all, is that at least one of our babies was in the other room awake, watching a kids video, while he was watching porn. I am SICKENED.
I want him out, and I am tired of his digressions. When he is not at school or work, he is working on his website trying to make a business, as if we weren't busy enough already. It seems like all he talks about is his website and related subjects. He buys things for it and totally ignores me. Of course, he has all these big plans for things he wants to do for me, but they never come to fruition.
I guess the reason I care about him not doing nice things for me is not just for the obvious reason that I like nice things done for me, but also because in light of his indiscretions, I can't say, "Oh, but he's a rgeat husband in other aspects, so the marriage is worth saving." To me, it's not anymore. It's a marriage of promises unfulfilled and plenty of heartbreak.
But I guess I have to go on. Please, does anyone have any advice on how to get through this? I just want to quit living. I have been through so much, and when it gets too hard it gets worse.
I've started having mental breakdowns and episodes where I feel like I am drunk, but I don't drink or use drugs. It's just all this crap has built up for so long and my brain shuts off trying to escape. I'm worried that I'll kill myself during one of these episodes, because I'm numb. I really don't want to, but sometimes it feels better than living through this.
I can't help feeling like it's my fault he looks at porn. Like I'm too fat or too unattractive.
Basically, I don't know how to get through it again, whether he is worth fighting for and all that other good stuff.
I truly love my husband. I just wish this part of him was gone and that he was more considerate of me. He says he has some great plans for our anniversary. I guess I have to wait another month to feel loved.