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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531 |
I have been counseling with Steve Harley and he has recommended a legal separation and then moving to plan B. I really value his knowledge and help through this but I'm having trouble with the legal separation part of this. He says it is to make me feel safe as far as the kids and some of her crazy requests are concerned. As some of you have read my W has brought up some wild suggestions but when I say no she has been very quick to respect my decisions and not push it. I just don't see this part of it as being much of a problem. Besides the fact that it's a couple of grand that I really need to run the household properly. Any experiences with this or opinions on what I should do?
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 684
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 684 |
starman- It is ironic how similar our situations are. I just met with my lawyer today and asked about a legal seperation. I don't know much about it except that it seems to make sense for me.
I will follow your thread and see what other input you get regarding this. Good luck starman, I will be praying for you.
STTSI
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531 |
thanks sttsi. I noticed that you did not wait very long between your plan A and plan B. Was that on advice from your counselor? Were you having too much emotional stress in plan A and had to move quickly? I ask this because SH wants me to move from my plan A, which I've been in for about a month, to plan B as quickly as possible. I don't quite understand the big rush as I think I'm handling my emotions pretty well still and am rather enjoying this time with my W.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
starman,
Please take SH's advice. I thoroughly agree with him about moving to Plan B immediately. The purpose of Plan A is to improve oneself and stop lovebusting behaviors that push the WS away. That has never been the case with you, from what I can glean. You never pushed your wife away, she ran off to play and sees nothing wrong with it at all. In fact, I would guess that any niceness only EMBOLDENS her profoundly destructive, cruel behavior. She is a user and an abuser who will only abuse Plan A. She seems to respect NO boundaries and I think that Steve is trying to help you set boundaries to protect yourself from her abuse.
I am sorry to be so direct, but that is how I see it and I would implore you to take Steve's advice. He is a professional with one of the best track records in this country.
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 684
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 684 |
starman- I agree with melodylane that plan A gives them their cake too. But it also shows them that you can be the spouse they want and that you care for them.
I moved from plan a to b because I was not that good at plan A. I was too pushy about meeting her EN's and her ending the A. I went to plan b cause I caught her taking my stuff from the house so I changed the locks. That brought the issue to the boiling point. She said she wanted a DV, I said fine. I alread ahd a session with Jennifer set-up and brought her up to speed, she said go to plan B. I did and am glad. Follow Steve's advice, he knows what he is doing.
I am leaning towards the legal seperation but haven't done anything yet. I'll check back later.
STTSI
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531 |
thanks Melody and sttsi. I believe I will go ahead and follow SH advice. I wanted to make sure I gave plan A enough time to show her what she'll be missing. Also like I've said before, her behavior towards me has changed quite a bit over the last couple of weeks. For the better. It's going to take a couple of weeks for me to get the legal separation done anyway so I figure that will be enough time for me to get comfortable doing this. Thanks Melody for the nice things you said about me. I do want to tell everyone that I was not blameless in this. I was very neglectful of her most important EN's for a long time. Part of that was her responsibility too I know, but I didn't want to come across as being Mr. Wonderful because I wasn't.
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 684
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 684 |
starman- We all make mistakes in life, it is what we learn from those mistakes that counts.
I also was neglectfull of her EN's but I have learned some of my mistakes and I am doing the best to address them, that is all you can do too. It sounds like you and I are in the same boat as I am going to do the seperation also.
All you can do is try everything in your power to make your M work and to become a better person.
Do what you feel is right in your heart!
STTSI
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