Please help! My H. was going to tell the OW this weekend that he was coming back to me. Now he says he is not ready and is too depressed to make a decision. He also lost his job last week, he is getting severance pay, but who knows what will happen after that. I told him that I couldn't wait any longer and he had to make a decision. He went to his C. today and his C. told him he wasn't in any condition to make any decisions right now. What should I do? I am always backing down and this situation is intolerable for me. He always gets his way and I feel he is just using his depression as an excuse. Also everyone that I have talked to feels he will make me meke the decision then he can blame the results on me. He won't be the bad guy. Please give me any advice or support that I am doing the right thing. I don't want my marriage to end, but i can't live like this any longer.

daybyday- Wow what a prediciment! I don't know much of your story but from what I read from your post and your sig line it sounds like you have been through a lot!

I would have to agree with his C that he is not in the right frame of mind to make that type of decision. What does that mean for you, though? Do you want your M to work? If so why?

If you want to make it work than I would say to validate his pressure he is under and let the decision wait for a week. I would tell him the pain he is causing you by waiting but that you love him enough to give him _____ time (set a limit).

That is just my opinion, I am not as far down the road as you. Good luck, I will pray for you.
STTSI

The problem is he was up to about a few days ago saying he was going to tell her and he was going to do it. Now that the deadline is here he is playing the game of I can't do this, It is the same thing he has done with the first OW. and she was the one that finally ended it. This OW doesn't know anything about what has been going on so she won't be ending it. I am emotionally drained and the longer this goes on the less respect or love I have for him.

<<<bump>>>

DBD- Are you seing a MC? If not I would suggest you talk to one of the Harley's, they are worth every penny! They might be able to help him in letting go of the OW, that is what seems to be the problem for him.

Again it goes back to when is enough, enough? Only you can answer that. Before you do, I would suggest talk to the Harley's first.

I will assume you have read SAA and HN/HN? Maybe it is time for plan B if you have tried everything you could in a plan A?

STTSI

I talked to Jennifer last fall before he had a second OW. She said to go to plan b. At that time I couldn't but I guess that is what I may do and give it a certain amount of time and then if he can let go he will and if not I will be ready. I really don't like being with him anymore, can't plan A at all anymore. Am too up and down and emotional, so I figure it is time. Can't afford the Harley's but he goes to his C., I have been there a few times and I go to a C. also, she was seeing both of us for a while.

Go to plan B if that is what your heart wants! It may push him closer to OW. Jennifer is great, I have counseled with her also! It sounds like your love for him is gone for now, go to plan b and see what happens. Mentally are you ready for a Dv if the A continues?

STTSI

What decision???? He surposely made this decision BEFORE he lost his job, got depressed, etc. Now that it's time to carry out his decision...he's backing off. I do NOT agree with his counselor.

He's fence sitting, saying and doing whatever is needed at the time to keep both of you as a safety net in case someone pushes him off the fence. He's showing neither of the women in his life any respect or caring or kindness. He's lying to BOTH, he's betraying both, and he's having a great big "pity party" whenever someone wants him to live up to his "decisions". jmho

So many are losing their jobs through no fault of their own, and it is a cause for depression as the job market sure isn't what it was just a year ago. He needs now, more then ever, to get his life in order so that he can began building a future somewhere...with somebody or alone.

Hate to talk money here...but...IF he doesn't come home now...with severance in hand...it's likely to be all gone soon. And then what happens if OW gets tired of supporting his @$$...well he'll climb down off that fence and try to come home and let you support it. This will cause extra stress and many other issues which up till now haven't been an issue. BEWARE...this could get very scary.

Be careful...really listen to what is in your heart...AND your head...then do what you need to do.

Yes that is exactly what he is doing. He has been depressed ever since the A. started and I believe what he is doing is causing the depression. and yes he does want to fence sit forever. I am going to talk to my C. tomorrow, I also don't agree with his C. but that is up to him if he uses that as an excuse. Then maybe he can blame his C. if we do D. He always has someone to blame and the things he has said to me the last few days are just classic symptoms of the fog. He's been saying the same thing ever since the first affair started. One thing he keeps saying is "nothing I do is ever good enough for you, you just keep raising the bar" No, I guess having 2 affairs and several ONS in the last year and a half isn't good enough for me. And the fact that he keeps telling me he loves me and hates to see me cry, but won't do anything to stop the pain I am going thru, isn't good enough for me either. I know what I am going to have to do but it is still hard, It is so hard to give up. Our 25th anniversary is the 4th of feb. Another Sh***y one and it could be good and it could've been special, but he's afraid to even try.

dbd- It sounds like you really wnat either a plan b or Dv. Go with plan b if that is what your heart wants. It will show him that you will not take anymore of his crap and it will protect your feelings for him. The first 2 weeks of my plan b were horrible, but it got better and it gets easier for me to walk.

Like everything else in life, plan b starts rough but gets better with time.

Go with your heart!
STTSI

Uggh uggh uggh...I am sooo disgusted with your Ws I could just spit....

And Puuhhleeese that counselor giving an adult permission not make any decisions....yeah that's a healthy professional recomendation....

Well he is the ultimate cake eater...and strung you along for quite a while...dayby, time to push that piece of cake on past...you have done well and faced gross disrepectful behaviors...

I am even concerned whether or not this is a safe place for you to post with him having posted here as well....

Sure would love to talk with him (yeah you daybyday's HUSBAND) if you are reading this)

What do YOU want Dayby...how are YOU...
where are emotionally in all this...
God I am so sorry for you...
You have done a great Plan A....strength and peace to you...hold your head high...protect your heart...we are here for ya

ARK

Thanks ark, I am going to go to his C. thurs with him and see if that is really how he put it. I really do like his C. and he hasn't acted like he is just letting him get away with whatever. So I don't know. Sometimes my H. hears things totally dif. than they are really put to him, or hears what he wants to hear. My C. says he talks in circles and she is right, he gets off the subject very easily and has always been like that. I am doing ok, just have to really think about all of this and try not to let him get me fogged up. I wish you could talk to him too! he really won't be on the computer because he is not working now, and doesn't have access. And I'm sure if he's at OW's he won't be going into the MB site. He feels like I am trying to control him, and as long as I give him his way he and I get along fine, but if I push him to make a decision we argue and then he acts like "why don't we get along?" Well obviously when he is doing what he is doing I'm going to get upset with him. and then he tells me not to raise my voice and to calm down-and I am not even yelling-I am not like that. Oh, well, We'll see what happens in the next few days. I think the best thing for him would be to make a decision and go thru with it, it would force certain things, and if he ended up having to be in a hospital for a while that might be the best thing for him and us. Get his head straightened out, but he is so proud and that will be his downfall.

In my opinion.... I think YOU should make the decisions... You are in charge of your own life........ How can it be hard to let go of somebody who is causing so much pain? Seriously, How can it be so hard? What are you afraid of? being happy without him? Think about it please...

Stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself and what you want... He isn't going to make a decision.. you said that yourself....

Let him go... Release him..... Tell him you have thought about things, and maybe it won't work to get back together.... Agree with him about the situation... Why?.. Because maybe he is right! It is not your fault.. It is not your fault... Stand up strong and confident.... Start to act happy around him... Let him see that you seem happier without him.... This is the way to let them go...

This way, you don't have to feel like you are in Plan B.. You just start letting him contact you.. then you act happy with your life.... stop mentioning the relationship.. stop asking him any questions about anything other than small talk...
End the conversations and contact first. Start telling him you can't talk right now, you have to get going ,you have plans... Men respond to women when they stand up strong... Don't be rude or mean...You may be surprised that he may start to pursue you....He is the one who needs to make changes now, not you..

This will get him WONDERING what is up..... Let him wonder.It may be good for him to wonder. Maybe that is what he NEEDS at this time.. Get mysterious a little..... Don't reveal your every thought and insecurity...

Please think about the whole attitude I am suggesting.... It works.....

Dear DbD,

This swing of his and the reasons.......all part of his recovery. Including M? Can't say yet but he knows he is depressed and losing one's job it a major stress point. All of this somewhat culminating at the same time could push him to an edge.

He also could now be looking for sympathy and support. While a valid point as far as the job loss, it is not valid to show sympathy or support of the A.

So what to do? IMHO, let him know you would like to help him through the work crisis. In return you need him to work through his A crisis. If he can't do it with you then he needs to go and work it all out alone out there.

Let him know you are not deserting him just are limited in how you can help him. You love him but have limits.

He may threaten to go to the OW. Shrug those shoulders of yours and say, if that's what you must do to heal. Just can't guarantee I will be here when you return.

YUCK!??!? Yes it is yucky. You have to start identifying your boundaries and sticking to them.

You know the OW can't handle him and his problems. I let mine know that I could no longer deal with him since I felt that helping him was enabling the A. So I told him to let the OW meet ALL his needs. All of it........ LOL!! On yea, I meant it. Started to change the address on his credit card bills to her's!!! LOL! I stopped when I realized, my name was on some of them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Protect yourself DbD, it will be a rough road until he realized he needs to get out of the poop and back into a clean warm and loving home.

Hugz,
L.