Here's the latest report -- Tonight I saw my WW for the first time in over a month, she wanted to swing by to pick up her mail, a CD I burned for her, and a couple other things.

-- I expected a very brief visit...But she showed up at 5:20, left at 6:40. Visit duration: 1 hour, 20 minutes! Not bad at all.

-- She came in and had a seat. She said she had a bad day at work so I asked her about it. She went into great detail for quite a long time about her manager possibly getting fired over an incident at work and her being called in Human Resources and asked a lot of questions about him today. She was upset because she likes him, but it sounds like he's getting too close with one of his subordinates there, dating her, and whatnot, and he may get fired over it. I listened and validated.

-- At first she left her coat on, then after she talked a bit I asked her if she wanted a drink. Offered her a Smirnoff Ice (her favorite). She said she'd LOVE one, and got up and took off her coat, sat back down and went on about her work story.

-- After she finished talking about work, we related a few funny stories about some other things. The cat, our jobs, etc.

-- I am watching a movie she recommended I see. About halfway through it. I told her I was enjoying it a lot so far, and we related to a few funny moments from the movie and laughed. Thanked her for recommending it to me.

-- I told her I was making a pizza for dinner, asked if she'd like to stay and have some -- She said no thanks to that.

-- I gave her the cat toys I bought for her, the CD I burned for her, some excedrin migraine medicine I'm not using (she mentioned having migraines a lot lately) her mail, her car insurance cards, and a CD from a band I thought she would like that I made a copy of for her.

-- As I walked around the house "looking" for her mail, she noticed the blanket she got for me in the bedroom. I thanked her for it and told her how great it was.

-- We also went into the laundry room where I have stashed a lot of her things that she has left at the house. I hoped she wouldn't be upset that I put some of her things away that were out at the house, she didn't seem to be. This was kinda big, I thought -- In the pile of things in the laundry room was a CD I made and gave to her the first time we met. She saw it and asked if she could take it, very sadly and sentimental like. I told her of course she could, it was hers. She did.

-- I played her a song I downloaded that I thought she would like. She listened to it and liked it, asked me to email it to her right away, so I did. I also played her a funny bit I heard on the radio the other day, I had it in MP3, she listened and liked it, it made her laugh.

-- She greeted our tank full of saltwater fish and said hello (when she got there) and goodbye to all of them (when she left). She named the new starfish I bought, I don't ever name fish, she named him "Billy". I told her that was a great name. Before she left, she also walked around the house and touched a lot of the things from our past that we'd bought together, hugged a big teddy bear and kissed it that's sitting by the TV -- It's a stuffed bear I won for her at a amusement park last year.

-- I told her to let me know how things work out with her boss. She also reminded me to email her pictures of a chandeleir I was thinking of buying for the house (I wanted her opinion on it). She admired a few of the things I changed around the house, and said it looked nice.

-- I told her I'd let her know when the taxes were ready, that I was busy but would get to them as soon as I could. Told her I'd need her to sign, she agreed happily to do so whenever they were ready.

-- As I have been doing, I wore my ring the whole time, which I'm sure she must have noticed, but she said nothing of it.

-- When she left, she thanked me for all her stuff, helping her out, and for listening to her talk about her bad day. No physical contact, no hugs or kisses or anything like that. Got into the car and sped away.

So I guess the big thing is that she stayed for over an hour, had a drink together, we talked about upbeat things, I listened, she did most of the talking. No relationship talk. No divorce talk. Good Plan A work?

ALS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
She greeted our tank full of saltwater fish and said hello (when she got there) and goodbye to all of them (when she left).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Fishy, fishy, fishy."

You did great from where I sit.

YES!

I would say you did wonderful, and it is your choice to wear your ring. It has value to you in your heart. I would wear my ring for the same reason, but I think my wayward husband would be upset.

No mention about your relationship, just listening was good for her to have someone to talk to about her problems. I would like to have someone to talk to about my feelings on a regular basis too.

You did great, just wonderful, and pat yourself on your back. Good Job, Plan A was done with an A+.

ALS-

That is absolutely awesome work by you!!!!!

You did perfectly, I am not sure how you could have done anything better. Remember, all you can do is control you and your words and actions and you couldn't have done a better job.

Don't overanalyze, don't think what she did or didn't do. Just realize you did the best that you could and I would say it was perfect!!!

I can only hope that my visit with my WW on Sunday will go half as well, and I suspect it will probably be twice as long. I am so happy for you, that is exactly the boost that you needed.

Send her a short thank you e-mail for the visit along with that chandelier photo and let her make the next move again. DO NOT PRESSURE HER- it sounds as though you are making progress. It may be baby steps, but as long as you are not going backward you should feel encouraged at this point.

Congratulations- it's a small battle in the big war, but this time you definitely came out on top!! Pat yourself on the back and do not look for the downside as there isn't one- I have a tendency to do that myself and I know you do as well....

ALS, A++++++++!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Great Job!!

MTD

ALS,
You did great, and sounds like she was comfortable also. About the chandeleir. hope it's not a foofy one, or I might ask you to email a picture to the MB photos so we all can vote!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am wishing you the best and you are doing great, did I tell you that already??

ALS-

I'm thinking a A+ is in order here....You've obviously kept the house up nice so she's seeing that life will go on for you, avoided any LB's about R or time frames, and ended things on a positive note. Way to go.....

Thumbs up...you DONE GOOD.

You're all the best bunch of friends a guy could ever hope to have, thanks everyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I appreciate your support and your replies. I do feel the night went as well as it could have given the situation. It still hurts to hear her talking about plans to buy things for her place, and basic talk regarding the future which doesn't involve us as a couple, but I deal with it as best I could. If she is still in the mindset that we will never be together as a couple again, I know asking about it won't bring a change to that. If there is a change, I know it will first take her A ending, and, when that happens, I'll certainly need to be a strong, better, attractive man to her. I am confident that I am doing great on myself. The A is something I really have no control over though, and I do feel that is going to play a big part in whether we'll ever get to recovery or not.

Whippit, Wifey, MTD, Lichtfied, Terrified -- Thanks so much for taking a minute to post and for the positve remarks! Glad to see you're still reading my stuff.

Neesha - The chandeleir is very modern, brushed nickel finish...I am NEVER foofy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My W and I both like contemporary design so we were upgrading the house to a brushed nickel look with all the fixtures.

Faith - I was happy to listen to her, I could have listened to her for hours. It's funny, I can think back to all my missed opportunites to be a good listener before, it was one of my major faults and I can realize it so easily now. I just enjoy talking to her, and I even more enjoy just sitting down and listening to her tell me things about her day and her life in general. I hope she will allow me to keep being there for her.

Sadinaz - You're right, I think back and it was really good, yet I also pick apart every little detail looking for negatives, too. Weird how we do that to ourselves, isn't it? I guess I question "If it's so great then why doesn't she want me back?" but I need to remember it takes time, and if it ever will happen, and she may still think NEVER, it's not going to happen overnight. At least things are moving forward. Whether it's towards a possible relationship again or just her attempt at keeping me as a lifelong friend I'm still not sure.

No pressure from me at all, I have been stepping back into the shadows after positive visits, usually a quick email and then it's back into my life for me. Good luck with your visit, Sadinaz.

Thanks again all.

ALS

Good stuff, ALS!

-Qfwfq

Cool, T-Zero...Thank you for stopping by. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No response from the email I sent her today, she needed a photo I had scanned of her that she liked, and I sent her that as well as the chandeleir info and told her I had fun spending time with her yesterday.

We are in sort of a pattern of talking on the phone every Thursday, unfortunately I hafta go to a funeral service tomorrow night so I may miss her call. She may not call, of course, considering our visit last night, but that might also be why she didn't respond to the mail. Or she might just be in the fog/ignore mode again too now that she's got what she needs.

At any rate, will of course keep ya'll posted.

ALS

If you do miss her call, be sure to e-mail her to let you know you're sorry you missed her. Let her know you're thinking of her and still care for her welfare.

MTD

BTW, again, great job!!

MTD,

Absolutely, that's the plan -- In fact, even if I don't hear from her at all, I plan to send her a very short, light, funny e-mail tomorrow, it's a new regular Friday thing my coach recommends, just a nice little way to say "have a nice weekend" and increase communication slightly. We're looking to build regular positive communication patterns between W and I. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ALS

Good to hear ALS. Today's Thursday, so let us know what happens.

MTD

Well, no call from W tonight so far and I don't expect I'll get one -- I can understand it, though, just because we saw each other for a while on Tuesday. I considered calling HER, but given the fact I sent her an email yesterday and she's not responded, I figure I won't pressure and let her make the call if she'd like. If I don't hear from her by next Thursday, I'll call then for sure. I just hope she didn't warm up to be just because she needed some stuff from me.

The more I think back about the Tuesday visit, even if my W was only here to get her things and that was it, I was proud of myself because I listened, validated, and I didn't have to even think about doing it. It just came naturally. It wasn't a conscious decision or something I felt that I was forcing myself to do. So I was happy about that. Obviously I am learning a lot and I'm even putting my new skills to work without even knowing it.

I wasn't even thinking so much about us, or our reconciliation, or the A...I was just genuinely enjoying her company. I think I lost that feeling somewhere along the way in our marriage. It's a shame that it took something this horrible to truly wake me up to it. But at least I am learning a lot from the experience. And I'll continue to read and learn for the rest of my life.

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you all.

ALS