i have been journalling of late, its a bit cathartic and has helped me keep on track with some personal goals, and its entertaining at times. but this morning I wrote this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that I am judging myself based on how she treats me, if I were a wonderful man a loving husband then she would want me, then she would desire to make me happy then she would be willing to work toward being sexual with me… </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i know that sounds wrong, I can logically understand that she is being how she is because of her own set of circumstances.

but this seems as real a statement as i can make. it seems wrought with expectations. she cant make me happy thats an unfair statement. isnt it?

yet it seems inexplicably connected. her seemingly endless supply of reasons why we cant connect emotionally, physically, spiritually. the sence that i am not welcome in my bed, the constant fight against being close and alone. wears on me, knaws at my self esteem, and leaves me feeling alone, disconnected and unwanted. isnt that action that creates sadness? why cant the opposite be true that if she were to open herself up welcome me physically, emotionally, and spiritually that it would lead me to togetherness and fullfillment within the context of our marriage? wouldnt that be leading toward happiness instead of sadness?

sigh...

im struggling to keep this up..am i leading her to happiness? am i doing for her what i seemingly want done for me? i think i do. but without the feedback how am i to know.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: chazbutler ]</small>

Chaz. they say we have different needs, men and women. So doing for her what you want for you may not be in the right priority. I don't know. Have you read His Needs/Her Needs?
Also another good book is, "Happiness is a Choice" I believe by James Dobson, but sorry if that is wrong. Also, Handbook to Happiness by Charles R.Solomon.
"Growing through conflict" by Erwin W. Lutzer.
All are good books and helpful, but the bottom line is our S has to be receptive to start with!
According to Harley's book, His Needs/Her Needs, men and women list their priorities in a different order.
You sound like you've made great effort to meet your wifes needs though.
As a woman, what I desire the most is to feel very special to my H. Attention with affection, and comments that don't put me down, but build me up. Conversation in a loving, kind way. Playfulness with each other. Laughing and having fun, even just around the home.
Also, I love hearing dreams and plans about future for us together. Even it it's things we may not get to do, it's fun to dream a little together.
Hugs often during the day. Just hearing he loves me many times. We're supposed to know that, but it's good to hear, reassuring.
It makes me feel good if he plans small surprises even. Doesn't have to be expensive to make me feel thought about.
Of course, he's the WS and I the BS. But he does do more with me now than before. PRobably being recently retired doesn't hurt.LOL
But sometimes we'll go to grocery together and he'll surprise me with a stop at Starbucks. Just little things.
I understand the feeling in bed. It's hard when your S has been unfaithful. But hey, the best way is to not cut intimacy out of your life I think. WE have more intimacy now than we had in years! At his prompting too. Don't move away from her, just keep trying.
I don't know if I've helped you at all, I wish I could. Because I know the pain you must feel and frustration!
God bless, LouLou