WH is loving, affectionate, remourseful etc. The only fault I can think of (apart from turning our lives upside down) is he doesnt want to talk about the A. I'm still searching for the why answer. He can only say he doesnt know.

We have been to MC for 9 months, had our final session last night. MC said the why is because of problems in the marriage. I think thats obvious, but when I ask WH what I could have done differently, or what needs were not being met he cant think of any. I'm not saying i'm the perfect wife, but I was always trying, when I could see something was wrong and WH had distanced himself from our family (during 2 year A) I went to MC alone, tried changing lots of behaviours etc. And I dont think I am behaving any different now that dday has happened.

WH says he had A because he was 40, and a 21 year old literally threw herself at him and this excited him.

So if thats all it took, and theres nothing I could have done differently, how do we stop it happening again? WH assures me it wont!

I pretend to be happy but inside I still hurt so much. I feel that if I keep telling WH, he'll think I'm crazy, or obsessed. I'm waiting for the day when everything seems normal again and the hurt has gone, but i'm starting to wonder if it ever will. I dont want to get 5 or 10 years down the track and still feel this way and wish i'd done things differently. How long?

Robyn

It takes much longer than 9 months to feel anywhere close to normal again. For most of us BS who have been here any length of time I can tell you the point of really feeling better doesn't happen until a good 2 years of accountable behavior and healing has gone on.

Is your H remorseful or repentent? There is a difference. One says I'm sorry and professes that they will never do it again, the other shows consistent changes in behavior. New behaviors emerge that are protective of the marriage relationship and the FWS is willing to continue to go to extra lengths to ensure you are feeling secure.

On the other hand you as the BS can't keep beating a dead horse if you want the marriage to grow and flourish. I was still asking H questions every now and again up to the 2 year mark. When I felt poorly I'd write out what I was feeling and write down the questions I had. I always prefaced those letters with the fact that I wasn't doing this to remind him or punish him, but to work through all the issues I had so that I could heal. He was always very understanding and compassionate and always answered me honestly, even though it was painful for him to do so. We're close to the 3 1/2 year mark now and with his consistent change in behavior and the new man he has become I'm one very happy wife and do not really have much fear that he'll do this again. Of course there will always be a little fear. I think that's healthy and normal self protection mode when you've experienced the emotional devastation of being betrayed by the person you love and trust the most. Hang in there it keeps getting better as time goes on if you've got a truly repentent spouse.