I just confirmed that the OW just turned 28 and my WH is 49. What are your thoughts/experiences regarding this kind of relationship? Yes, she's young enough to definitely be his daughter. Our son is almost 21. YUK!!!

Any suggestions???? I wouldn't think that she is meeting EN for Conversation. I think she's filling up the bank on ADMIRATION and SEXUAL FULFILLMENT.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi, obviously your H is being an old fool!
Sure, some young gals like the father image, but when or if he hits his andropause, she'll be looking for a young stud!
26 yrs of marriage is way too much to throw away. But it happens with men his age. They suddenly think they can be in their 20's again and go off, ruining their marriages, only to find themselves setting with someone who cannot even have a mature conversation with them.
I'd say she's going to tire of him first!
Have you let your WH know you know? If not, do so. It's time to start working on the marriage and him to drop the bimbo! Perhaps when he sees the separation of marital assets, and his age making it hard to recoup all you two have, he might think miss 28 is not worth it! Get it down in black and white. And I hope you live in a state where you could get spousal support for life even if you remarry!
God bless, LouLou

I disagree with ladylou. Do not even bring up divorce unless that is what you want. Divorce just isn't a card you want to play.

Mimi: I think you hit the nail on the head with the sexual fulfillment and admiration. My husband was 36 and the OW was 24. He really thought he was quite the stud. They worked together and he actually came home and bragged to me about his cute, young girlfriend with the long and beautiful shiny hair. Well, as it turns out, she did tire of him quite quickly and it devastated him. He actually came home drunk and cried to me about losing her. Can you imagine the nerve! Needless to say, that was two years ago. During that time, I have tried to make it work with him as he wants our marriage very much now. However, my feelings have changed for him. In the past two years, I've pulled myself up by the boot straps and tried to focus on bettering myself and my career. I'm at a place now where I do believe I would be better off without him. There just isn't a place for him anymore. I often wonder is his "fling" was worth the cost. Basically, it cost any and all respect and love I had for him. Hopefully, your situation will end better than mine will. If not, search for the strength within yourself and use it to focus on developing the great person that I'm sure you are. Best wishes to you!

moving on with life.
My statement here again:
(It's time to start working on the marriage and him to drop the bimbo! Perhaps when he sees the separation of marital assets, and his age making it hard to recoup all you two have, he might think miss 28 is not worth it! Get it down in black and white. And I hope you live in a state where you could get spousal support for life even if you remarry!)
I don't think this was saying she should just scream divorce. I said start working on the marriage. But as in any situation, she should definitely know her options for protection. When I said get it down in black and white, that means she should certainly know what happens if it comes to divorce. Her rights, her entitlements. Sometimes it can be found online for the state you live in. Under dissolution of marriage laws.
I would want to know where I stood should it be needed.
Once he knows she is aware, and knows her rights, he will, if any intelligence at all! start to look at the disaster it would cause for both. Financial ruin is a big factor for men!
They pride themselves on their achievements,and sad, but true, men see selfworth in dollars and assets they've achieved. That is basic psychology 101!
Even in midlife crisis, men are examining their accomplishments in the financial aspect!
For instance, my WH did see an Atty at one point for consultation. I think a big factor in his coming out of the fog was when it was laid out before him what it would entail! He was just months away from retirement, and we had many good plans, but a divorce would have ripped it apart. His retirement would have been a nightmare, rather than the dream he had held.
Mimi doesnt' have to hold this over his head to get him to stop his A. But it sure better be in her knowledge bank to know where she stands.
Many a man has left his family for some younger woman. And tried to take everything with him so he can pamper the bimbo because he knows without money, she'll tire and split!
Being prepared to burst his little bubble is good planning as I see it.
My WH swears the money division, assets had nothing to do with his wanting to rebuild our marriage. BET ME! He loves me, but he also didn't want to live on half his retirment either. His OW was a high maintenance person. Very selfish and snobbish. She'd even written in emails about how they knew how to spend money and retirement assets flying around to visit grandchildren. He could see the hand writing on the wall even then!
Fortunately, I had all the info, and sent it to her. She had been telling him about how he could transfer assets to another state, hide it, etc.
Until I sent her the laws on state of CA. Under this law, if he tried to steal one dime, he could go to jail and I would be granted 100% of everything! Sort of enlightened her a bit and him. He was not even aware of it. But he did know under his pension, and the laws, he would have to split it with me. I would have gotten half of our retirement fund, half his pension, half his SS, and just about anything in our assets I wanted. Home, car, furniture, and should I have wanted to work, he would have had to pay for my schooling to retrain me for a good job. LOL
I am not wanting a divorce, but I sure had my eggs in the basket for protection.
And all the spousal support would have been for life even if I remarried!
So OW would have had to work to supplement their income as it would not have been enough to keep them going on his own.
Together, we have comfortable retirement, but on his own? NOT! He wouldn't even be able to pay her car lease and her appts at beauty shop. LOL
Fortunately, he's never had to pay big bucks to keep my beauty up. I am a professional cosmetologist since 1960, and can do all the upkeep myself. I do get my nails done is the only money spent outside for beauty shop.
She on the other hand, has nails, hair every week, color, perms, facials, pedicures, and botox frequently. LOL
God is good to me. I also hold a license as a real estate broker. So he couldn't deceive me on values of our home either.
Gee, I guess this showed him how much money I've saved us over the years. Doing the whole families hair cuts, and upkeep.
Do you have any idea what it cost for a woman to have all this done on a continous basis weekly and monthly?
It's a minimum of $100 month just for hair style. Another $50 for color if just basic. $200 for pedicures and manicures. A facial cost $65 minimum here. She wears it short, so throw in a soft perm of $100 every 3 months. You're looking at between $400 and $500 a month maintenance on her appts alone. LOL She is married to an Atty for over 20 yrs. She knows how to spend money, and can't do squat for herself.
When hubby found out how much it would cost him to keep her going, he was astounded. LOL
and very grateful I have been able to enjoy and present him with the same type of upkept woman without digging in his wallet!
She showed him how she was when they spent one week together. He couldn't feed her either because she eats like a pig. LOL Instead of losing as she promised him on first visit, she had gained more when he saw her second time.
He admitted she's a bit snobbish and he's not like that at all. Doesn't fit either one of us.
Mimi, a little knowledge goes a long way. Especially in protecting yourself if need be.
Take good look at your assets and see how much he's spending already on OW. Young women want expensive gifts, meals out, and entertainment. That's a given! And she probably thinks he has it due to his age.
Put a little clamp on the bank acct and see how long he can keep her.
You need some control as well over your assets. God bless, LouLou

The monetary consequences are definitely a consideration for my WS.

He consulted a lawyer and I did too.

He would owe me alimony, child support and payment of the mortgage during the legal separation. When he brings up separation, he always makes it clear that he does not want a divorce. Just wants to get out and play. He doesn't say this but I know that's what he wants to do. At the time of divorce is when the retirement funds are split.

I know that he has opened a SECRET BANK ACCOUNT. He slipped and told me about it. The lawyer told me to leave alone unless I intend to file for legal separation. Steve also told me not to mention it at this point.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Yikes Mimi- about that secret bank account. Let's hope he's not putting money away in it. Can you monitor it?

Curious- you mentioned at one point that OW lives alone- doesn't have custody of her child? Why was your H renting an apartment? Why doesn't he move in with OW?

Mimi, glad you know of the secret acct. Keep all info you can. or get as much as possible.
If you separate or divorce, they do a discovery and if he keeps anything back, it's big problems for him. They will find anything he's hidden away.
God bless, LouLou

Espoir:
I don't think my WS wants to make a major commitment to the OW. Remember, more of a "distraction" according to Steve. Actually, to be honest, he would want a nicer place than where she lives, a place comparable or better than our house. So ,if anything, she would move in with him into that pretty, new condo he was planning to rent.

Ladylou:

The lawyer told me that I would have no problem getting to that secret account. I know what bank its in unless he changes banks. That's why I don't want to remind him that I know about it right now.

<small>[ January 31, 2003, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Hm...

Does the OW by any chance "cook" him bacon and Pop Tarts for dinner?

...don't laugh, somebody's OW did! (I'm sorry I don't remember who, but maybe somebody can tell you).

-Qfwfq