My 24 yr old son has been seeing a woman about 12 yrs older than him. I think she is about 36.

I don't feel good about this relationship even though I have not met the woman. I have lots of questions. I am trying to challenge myself to be open to accepting it if this relationship continues to grow to the point of marriage.

All I can see is problems down the road. When I think of myself with a man that much older than me right now I don't like the picture and I can only think it would be worse with the woman being older. I know it probably isn't very PC. I think that the Demi Moore/Aston Krutcher relationship isn't anything to envy. I always thought I'd hate to be his mom...now this. They are obviously from different generations. I can not see it working long term.

Why didn't you stop the relationship before it got too serious?

I think relationships are difficult as it is without having this strike against it before you even get started.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

my friend married a guy 9 years younger than her.
she was 32 and recently divorced when they met.

in her situation, they just hit it off before they even realized the age difference. she was very attractive and he appeared older than he was.
it worked.
they are happily married w/ 2 children.

now, i have a family member who i think was after the "younger" man as some sort of a trophy.
i would be annoyed if i were you and this was this case.
that situation didn't end well.

have you thought about what really bothers you about this?

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

Nelly, how does that friend's MIL feel about their marriage?

I think my son may not have realized the age difference when they met. Then he was probably flattered that an older woman would find him mature enough or would be attracted to him.

He had a friend that married an older woman with children. He and all his friends didn't see what he saw in her. I thought his friend was the rescuing type. He had a mother who was an alcoholic. He passed away last year.

While out on night my daughter asked his friends if they knew where her brother was...they joked that he was with his grandmother(meaning his GF.

If he isn't proud to have his GF around his friends, if he isn't proud of her enough to introduce her to his family then isn't there something that would be such a negative to eventually cause problems?

I know nothing about her. I don't know her history. I know my son had a girlfriend he was in love with cheated on him with a friend and he was very hurt. That was about 3 or 4 yrs ago now. I think he got a bit callous after that to protect his heart. Maybe he thinks that an older woman wouldn't hurt him like that.

I (probably irrationally)wonder what I did wrong that he is looking for a replacement mother. I wonder what is wrong with her that she hasn't had a successful relationship by this age with someone her own age. I don't even know if she's been married before. So much of my mental gymnastics and anguish have to do with unknowns and just possible scenarios.

I have often had to remind myself that much of what I spend energy worrying about and fretting about usually doesn't come out as bad as I expect. I have to battle being a glass half empty type of person.

He has his Dad's example of infidelity going against him. This coupled with his own experience with betrayal may effect him in any relationship no matter age difference.

I read on GQII Everhopeful's experience with her husband of 14 yrs who (is also 15 yrs younger than her) now thinking that she is too old for him. Anyway,that is one of the excuses he gives for his A with a woman his age. I wouldn't want that to happen once children are involved. I just want to spare him (and her) potential pain. But I know I can't do that so I want to prepare myself to feel better with it and learn to accept it without so much judgement. It doesn't feel possible at this point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trix:
<strong>If you are in an older woman/younger man relationship why couldn't you find a man closer to your age? Why didn't you stop the relationship before it got too serious?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife is about 7 years older than me. The problems we have are unrelated to this age gap. My first wife was two years younger than me. I've dated women as much as 7 years my junior and 10 years my senior. My cousin is married to a woman who is 15 years his senior and they've been together since he was just 19 (now 40). My grandfather was 21 years older than my grandmother. They were happily married until his passing. I believe age is irrelevent (within reason) so long as the couple is compatible.

Mav

Hi Trix,

I suggested that you post this on EN, so I will give you my perspective. But I also have to say that I think your post has some DJs in it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trix:
<strong>
If you are in an older woman/younger man relationship why couldn't you find a man closer to your age? Why didn't you stop the relationship before it got too serious?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It’s pretty clear how you feel about your son’s relationship, so I’m hoping you are sincere about keeping an open mind. Background: My husband and I met just after he turned 26, and I was about to turn 33. So about 7 years difference. We got engaged a year later, and married a year after that. Our son turned one in May. We are happily married.

Why couldn’t I find a man closer to my age? Well, I did find men my age. I wasn’t interested in most of them, and most weren’t interested in me. Some were off-limits. I dated quite a few. A couple of those cheated on me. I also dated a couple of slightly older guys. I’m not sure what your point is here. It seems that you are asking why I didn’t restrict myself to guys my own age. What would be an acceptable age difference to you? Had I known how old my H was when I met him (I found out later), I might have hesitated at getting involved. But wow, what a sad mistake that would have been.

Why didn’t I stop it before it got serious? There wasn’t a compelling reason to stop. You’re assuming that I would have believed that the relationship had inherent problems (due to the age difference) so serious that it wasn’t even worth letting the relationship run its course, even if things seemed to be going great at the time. I didn’t believe that. Neither did my husband. And things were going great—why throw away such a wonderful relationship?

I met my H and fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. I happened to be 7 years older than him, and he didn’t care. Still doesn’t. To be honest, I didn’t find out how old my husband was until 2 months after we met, just before we started dating. By that time, I was pretty crazy about him, and willing to give it a shot. I was a little concerned about the age difference (my H was not) but I didn’t believe that a 7-year age difference would automatically doom our relationship. Truthfully, the lifestyle differences between my H and I were a bigger concern than our age difference. And we worked them out, too.

I guess the bottom line is that you are unlikely to have a great deal of influence over your son’s choice of a girlfriend. He is 24. So you can tell him your concerns (gently), but then I’d let it go. It’s his choice to make, good or bad. And if the relationship is successful, I’m guessing you want to be part of his life, even if you’re not thrilled about his choice of girlfriend. And if the relationship fails, there will be plenty of reasons why, only one of which might be the age difference.

I hope this helps.

Martes

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: martes36 ]</small>

Mav,
Do you think that your cousin still isn't bothered at all by the age different? At 55 yrs old she must appear that much older than him.

I tend to think that the woman being older than the man is more noticable.

I have an aunt that was 6 years older than my Uncle. My grandmother was never happy about that as well as the fact that she was not of Italian decent but German. She outlived my uncle who died at 76. She is now 91 and still going strong.

I'm still trying to find something to feel good about in this. You think that if they are compatible then that is enough. Will it always be enough? I may be just being shallow and none PC in my bias against age differences over about 5 yrs. I would prefer him to find a younger woman than older. I know I really have no say. Part of me longs for the days of arranged marriages, I guess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are in an older woman/younger man relationship why couldn't you find a man closer to your age?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am 7 years older than my H. We got married last year. I believe your question is really why didn't I select a man closer to the same age, rather than "couldn't find one." He is 37, I am turning 44. The age difference is no issue for us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">they joked that he was with his grandmother(meaning his GF.

If he isn't proud to have his GF around his friends</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like your son is turning into a fine, young man...mature enough to shield his GF from the immature/hurtful comments of his friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if he isn't proud of her enough to introduce her to his family then isn't there something that would be such a negative to eventually cause problems?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think it's a lack of pride. You're already feeling negative about the situation. Is the real negative actually their age difference, or your immediate prejudice, sight unseen? You haven't even met the woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know my son had a girlfriend he was in love with cheated on him with a friend and he was very hurt. That was about 3 or 4 yrs ago now. I think he got a bit callous after that to protect his heart. Maybe he thinks that an older woman wouldn't hurt him like that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Older may equal more mature to him and he won't get hurt. It may equal more adept in the bedroom. It may be that they've fallen in love, she's a wonderful woman who will make him very happy...and if they're giving it a chance, perhaps you should too, for your son's sake.

My Ex-MIL married a man 16 years her junior...they just celebrated their 28th anniversary.

I guess I am in a minority with my feelings on this age difference thing. I guess I see my son, who just turned 24 last month, as still being so young...my baby, and I some how see the older woman a predatory. I know, rationally, that it is probably my son pursuing her just as much as she is him.

I can usually adjust and I would want to be a good MIL should it come to that. I have step children her age.

When I thought I was close to divorce I thought I didn't find very many men around my age very attractive so I can see the interest in younger men...it could be 'fun'. But how much younger is not too young when considering a long term relationship? I've already raised my family. My H is 3 3/4 yrs older than me...we have aged together. I am still attracted to him. He has worked in the sun all his adult life and has aged more than had he not been in the sun.

It is encouraging to read that your exMIL has been with her H 28 yrs and they are still happy.

I think I may be too concerned with the appearance of age in time and that it could affect my son's commitment down the road.

I read somewhere that 5 yrs age difference either direction usually isn't a problem but outside of that then you are in different generations and the differences would be more noticable.

Hi Trix.

I wonder, too, if some of this is a generational thing. Most people in my parent's generation seemed to think it was always better for the man to be older.

As an Irish/Italian girl, I grew up thinking the same thing.

However, I am now 34, and I think it seems older to you in theory than it is in practice. I am not old! Not even close! And 44 is NOTHING. Neither is 54.

Really, I think you are scared that your son is going to be hurt in this relationship, and this by her age. That somehow, something is going to happen to her because she is older, and your son is going to pay the price.

Don't judge this poor woman before you know her. She maybe a very young 33.

God bless you, Trix.

Hi Trix

Pls don't be offended but he is 24, I think old enough to make his own choices. My friend wrote here before because she will be 40 next month and her bf is 31, she is worried about losing him to a younger woman or that he could decide to want children which she can no longer have (has a 16 yr old son). He claims he does not want any children but she is also afraid that she is wasting precious years for herself and him. I'm sure your son's gf is having those thoughts too and is scared too is she loves him. It must be hard on him too especially if his friends are making fun of him. I would try to be on his side and get to know her, just cos she is older does not mean either one are playing games. I also went out with an older man, he was 8 yrs older and very insecure cos I was younger. It is a tough situation to be in.

Just my 2 cents,
Marie

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Telly:

Don't judge this poor woman before you know her. She maybe a very young 33.


************************************

best advice i can think of.
be open minded.....meet her and then see how you feel about the situation.

my friends MIL loves her...i think she was a little concerned at first, but she accepted the relationship easily once she saw how happy they made eachother.

the other situation was all wrong..from every angle.( my SIL and soon to be X-H...she is 43 and he is about 30)
but, meet her and then challange yourself to really think about why you feel the way you do.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

I don't think I want to meet her until I know he is serious about her. If and when that happens, I will try to not be too judgemental and try to be open minded.

Ultimately, I want my son to be happy with whatever choices he makes. I also know I can't protect him from having to learn from his own mistakes and heartaches and to celebrate when he succeeds in what he chooses too.

Trix,

I think that's wise....the other thing is that if you put your son in a position where he feels he has to defend someone he cares about....in the process, he can easily overlook the redflags, and ignore her faults while he's trying run interference. It can push them closer together and give them a "common enemy" to fight. I've seen this dynamic cause children and parents to become very estranged.

How long has he been seeing the woman?

I hope you haven't said anything negative about her to him... if so it might be a good time to "fix" things.

What do you know about her, and their relationship?

I doubt that you failed as a mother, maybe he just thinks she's HOT!!

I am in my 30's and guys in their 20's hit on me regularly. Of course I am flattered!... and if it was the right place and time (like I wasn't married) ..and he was a mature intelligent guy, I wouldn't care how old he was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I really don't want that to happen. I am trying to prepare myself to accept this. My daughter's initial response was 'well that's their business if it makes them happy'.

It may be somewhat of a generational thing.
I don't think that 36 is old...just lots older than 24. I remember being 19 and thinking 30 was really old. I remember being 10 or 12 playing Old Maid with my friend and thinking that we'd be an old maids after about 25 if I hadn't married by that age. I married at 23, she was 22. She was a strong Christian and married as a virgin. If we all did that we'd be marrying much younger than most are now.

I am aware that I am an overly critical person within my own mind's eye. Something that I keep having to look at and work on. Too many DJ's of the mind. I tend to look at people and initially judge them by their looks, weight,what people put in their grocery cart, tattoos...whatever. I wonder what people that get tattoos when they are 18 or 20 are going to feel about them when they are 60 in front of their grandchildren. I wore styles of clothes or hair when young that I wouldn't want to be stuck with forever. My tastes change a lot. I like redecorating every 10 or 15 yrs. I don't think people project how they may feel about something 10 or 20 yrs in the future if they live that long. It is mostly about the here and now. It is good to live 'in the moment', But using some foresight can't be a bad thing.

There are age differences that most agree would be inappropriate. When my son was 14 this woman would have been about 26. All would agree that would be wrong. How many really think that Mary Kay Letourneau and Villi will make it 'until death do us part' if they marry? How many think she is dealing with a full deck?
Is there an age difference that is the cut off?
Or is it just if they're happy we shouldn't even give it a thought?

It just isn't the ideal that I would want for him. Maybe as parents we never get the ideal we hope for our kids. There will always be heartache and worry as parents. Whoever my kids marry I will take their vows seriously and expect them to maintain their vows.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There are age differences that most agree would be inappropriate. When my son was 14 this woman would have been about 26. All would agree that would be wrong. How many really think that Mary Kay Letourneau and Villi will make it 'until death do us part' if they marry? How many think she is dealing with a full deck? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trix,

Yes, when he was 14....but he's not 14 now chere. That was then....this is now. With inappropriate age differences...that's between adult/child or adult/adolescenct relationships. That's especially true when the adult is in a position of authority as Mary Kay Letourneau was. Villi was 12 and in six grade when she became involved with him!! Your son is a grown man, and has been of age for many years now...this is an adult/adult relationship and as such is entered into with consent and not coercion. There is no cut off for inappropriate age differences in adult/adult relationships.

Having said that....would this bother me as a mother?....sure. I'd worry, but not interfere...and I would definitely NOT compare it to MaryKay and Villi. Any relationship has challenges....big age differences, racial difference, religious differences etc make those challenges greater and more likely to fail. Let this thing play out.

I know as a mama the temptation is to think...OMG! but the age gap gets smaller and smaller as folks get older....and that's the truth. My mom married men 12 and 15 years younger than she was when she was in her 50s. She was gorgeous.

SheWill,
He has known her a year and it has gotten a bit more serious in the last 4 to 6 months. One thing is that he hasn't had his car on the road for the past 6 months and that has cramped his style. He has also been pretty broke so he could be enjoying being with someone that is a bit more established than he is financially. (I don't really know this to be the case.) He will be selling his house soon to get out of the debt he had created by some bad choices he had made.

He told me that she is getting pretty attached. He didn't admit or deny same.

I haven't said very much in person but I have emailed my concerns. Probably a mistake. I know I shouldn't give advice unless it is asked for. And I also know that anything negative that I say could have the effect to make him draw closer to her.

I haven't seen or met her. My H saw her once a week ago. She had been rear ended just after leaving his house in the morning. She call my son and he didn't want to go to her. He was going to work with my H that day. My H asked him why..because you don't want me to meet her? He really didn't but they went by there anyway. My H did not describe her as 'hot'...but it was morning and she had just been in an accident.

I see her car at his house when I'm on my way to church many Sun. mornings.

I know that people can be attracted to a wide age range. I think some of the young guys I catch looking at me would probably puke if they knew how old I am. When my sister was 53 and newly divorced she dated a guy a few times that was 33. He didn't have a problem with the age difference and she had some 'fun' with him. She didn't want to pursue a serious relationship with him although he indicated that he would have been interested. She was flattered too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trix:
<strong> Mav,
Do you think that your cousin still isn't bothered at all by the age different? At 55 yrs old she must appear that much older than him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, they don't look that far apart. She colors her hair a bit and wears enough makeup to shed some years, while he has lost most of his hair and has greyed quite a bit. He keeps her young and she influenced him to grow up.

What I recall most disturbing to his parents wasn't just the age difference, but the fact that she had an 8 year old son. She was a young widow and apparently chose my cousin as a replacement father figure for her son. They later produced two children of their own. They're still together and appear dedicated to each other while leading a very active and successful lifestyle. It just seems to work for them. You just never know.

I really think you need to have a little faith in your son. She won't be able to contol him unless he wants to be controlled. The decisions he makes with her will be his own. You must have faith that you empowered him with the ability to maintain self-esteem, so he can make the best choices for himself. This may be a time when you have to let go a little.

Mav

Trix,
Interesting topic! Personally I think it is weird - not cool - You know there was another teacher age 32, who evidently had an affair with a 12 year old student <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> -- Boston
It is difficult for me to say with much authority what makes people do certain things, but I have some indirect experience with this Fall & Spring thing. If you notice my signature line my X was involved with two guys that were 15 years or so her junior. I know that initially it was purely physical. I believe in her case, she had a big need to feel younger & placed a high value on her physical attractiveness & she craved attention & compliments about her looks. And she had this wild sex thing going! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> In my X’s case, she even confessed that she had nothing in common with these guys. When we officially split up - she and the orginal tree guy hooked up! I also understand that she had a special friend that was in his 70's - she drove his corvette. That was 8 months or so ago - I have no idea if these things have lasted? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Not my problem any longer! I wonder how our children react? But again, this is no longer my problem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don't ask!

To me a five to seven year difference, even ten, when we are in our 30’s or more, is not a big difference.

Someone mentioned that with that the guy being the senior of the two, we sometimes refer to this that the guy has a “trophy girl/wife” – I believe the connotation for the reverse is “Boy-Toy” – If you listen to country music, Terri Clark has a song, “Girls Lie Too” --
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
There of course is the stereotypical “Mid-Life” crisis where the man buys sports cars & dates young women. With the evolution of women’s rights, I believe some woman are highly motivated to break societies barriers in this facet and strive to show they can be the aggressor of sorts & it can be a power, control thing! I also believe that some people are influenced by the celebrities – Like the Demi Moore thing – maybe they assimilate themselves as “like” celebrities. ?? I know it may seem unrealistic for most of us to base our action on such super-visual things, but to some they have some genuinely, large insecurities and these things can seem to them ways to make them feel more worthy.

Some people like being the submissive one. Having someone else take control. This dynamic may be played out in the Spring- Fall thing. ??
I know that on the internet, singles dating scene, I have heard lot’s of middle aged woman tell of being hit on by the 20 year olds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I believe some younger guys have these fantasies to live out or desire the “older woman” for experience or maybe they think they are desperate some how. ???

I believe lots of people who see the fall & spring thing would assume that if the junior is a guy it is a kinky kind of sex thing or jigalow & when the junior is a gal, she is a gold digger. ??

This spring-fall thing may have a certain romantic spark; but how they actually get along as maturing couples, can only be determined by the couples themselves & not societies standards. I think the more attention you draw to these differences they more they may persist to going forward & object to you as being "narrow-minded." not that you are, but that may be their defensive way to counter-act your points of persuasation. But, I know it does create some tension and make people wonder –You would naturally wonder what other people think, but I don’t know what you can do about that though? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

No easy answers – Good Luck!
HH

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>

beliefs... interests.. opinions.. commonality.. all matter more than age. There is only legal and nonlegal. If you were talking about a 14 year old with a 30 year old it'd be another story. As long as both are mature adults who have things in common and love each other, age is simply a number.