Having an A does not fit with my religious faith. Unfortunately, my WS knows that I have strong religious convictions. I will have to be careful though because I know I am at risk for being tempted. I did make sure to tell him in our first separation talk that I will be trying to figure out how to go on with my life. He heard me in that talk. He keeps quoting what I said. One of his references today was in stating "if you take me back". I'm glad he did not assume that I would.

I've realized that "demanding respect" is an important element of MY PLAN. I recalled that my WS clearly stated that he found allowing my sons to disrespect me "unattractive". Steve H. told me that this was an annoying behavior that was a major LB in the marriage. Therefore, demanding respect from my WS is an important change that he is seeing. My new toughness is good for me in general whether or not he comes back or not. So, LouLou, rest assured that I will work on maintaining my FIRMNESS and TOUGHNESS.

I'll give you some hope. My H acted pretty much just like yours when he moved out. It was like once the caged bird was set free he realized it wasn't cracked up to be all he thought it was going to be.

Although my H stayed in contact with me, I did nothing to pursue him. I let him do it all. Even though, like your H, he stated that he was working towards coming home almost as soon as he moved out, he had to stay gone for awhile. Sometimes I thought it was pretty silly because he came over all the time, on the way home from work he'd call and ask if he could stop by and he was here every weekend since my kids refused to go to where he was staying ( with a friend of the family)to visit.

My FWS had to figure himself out. He had to come to grips with his guilt. He's said that time we were separated were the worst days of his life and he still gets misty eyed if it's brought up. He told me he would cry as he drove past the freeway exit and had to keep going to where he was staying.

I'll tell you, knowing that he actually experienced what it would be like to be alone ultimately brought me a sense of security in recovery ( which even in the best of circumstances is arduous). I knew he had "felt" it, not just "wondered" about what it would be like to leave his wife and family.

You must let him know in your contacts with him that your wish is for him to come home but that there will be some requirements. Some of mine were that he never initiate contact with OW ever again and that if she did, he tell me immediately. I had him agree to talk about whatever I needed to know and talk about it until I got it out of my system and healed ( I was very careful not to overdo this). MC was also a requirement. I also asked him to agree to go back to church and as a compromise I gave up my life long denomination to attend a church of his choosing, where we have both found a relationship with God. I finally allowed him to be the spiritual leader in our household and have reaped many blessings for obeying God's word.

Hang in there,I think he'll be back. Listen to all that he says, watch closely what he does.

A few thoughts catching up on Sunday morning:

ditto Mel - a spouses betrayal IS comparable to the loss of a child. It was far worse for me, perhaps because I understood the loss of my son and it was beyond our control, no one wanted it, and we all fought so hard for him, knowing we did all we could. In contrast, the betrayal I have never really understood, it involved conscious choices, only two people wanted it - two people who previously fought hard for my son, but whom refused to fight for their families and dignity whatsoever. I guess I hope I can never contort my mind to understand this.

Back to you,

Big ditto to mthrhubb%#rd, I believe you have to allow him to play this out to some extent. Remember, any attempt to prevent him from following his desires right now - whether the desires are real or just artificial "have to do it" excuses - will feel to him like you're trying to control him. On the other hand, his statement to return on "his conditions" must be met by some conditions of your own - just as you stated. This is where the Plan B letter can be very useful. In so many words you'll tell him it was his decision to separate, now it's your decision to STAY separated - until he ends the affair and is willing to work on the marriage.

WAT

Hey Guys:

Last night was awful. Lots of sobbing. Feeling very depressed. Wondering how I am going to make it. Not wanting to go on. It's bad. I have to admit that I got up this morning to see if she spent the night with him. She's was still at home at 8AM. When she is at the condo, they hide her car. Wonder why they are doing that? Is he scared that I will make a scene? Seems like she would not like being hidden anymore. Another thing. I'm beginning to feel like I hate her and want to hurt her. Not good. I am going to have to get myself together today!!!!

I'm trying to make up my mind today to "let him go" for awhile. I need to get busy and pretend that he does not even exist. Looking at the situation objectively, he does respond to me better when I demand respect -not begging, pleading or controlling. However, I do have to get that separation agreement signed ASAP before he changes his mind. I don't think he will change his mind because I was fair and he probably does not want a lawsuit.

I want to pack up his clothes and use his closet for my stuff. There's so many remnants of him around. That's painful. His closet and dresser drawers are FULL. Is he wearing the same clothes over and over or did he get a whole new wardrobe. Weird!

I'm also trying to figure out why he continues to want me to purchase that condo with him. He says for an investment for the condo to be rented out in March. With a separation agreement, he's free to purchase it on his own. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of losing his 2000 dollars.

Mimi,

I am so sorry you had such a horrible night. I wish there was anything I could say to make it better but I know there is not. It's all part of the nightmare. But look at it this way, this seperation is probably the best thing for the marriage right now. In that, hopefully, it will wake him up and bring him back a fully committed man. That is the goal here.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will get better with each day. But please keep coming here when you feel like this instead of doing anything rash. You did real good not contacting him last night.

HUGS!!

I just called his voicemail at work and left an upbeat-sounding message indicating "you are free to do whatever you want to do right now, I'm going ahead with my life to try to figure out how to live without you, I won't bother you at the condo and won't try to contact you again until I have the paperwork done, you know how I feel about you". I just had to say this out loud for myself today. That is a goal that I have to stick with, to let him go. Otherwise, this is too painful, wanting him back, wanting him to call, wanting him to care, etc. I really want him to come back when he wants me. He seems to be wanting me more than he did when he was here. That's a good thing. Although I am lonely and hurting, this is better in that regard. I don't have to deal with the meanness, hostility and daily rejection.

Love to you all!!!!

Good job, mimi. Very good.

I suggest you now start writing your Plan B letter - just in case. As soon as the legal separation is signed is a good time to go to Plan B - for you. Many prior Plan B'ers have reported a big sense of relief. Not only to you set the WS free thru the legal separation, you symbolically toss them free, requiring them to fend for themselves. You, in turn, set yourself free.

WAT

ML, I, too, have religious convictions so I would never suggest or do a PA myself or suggest it to Mimi. Only a friendship. Hey, some people have friends who can be told that it's not going anywhere. That you are planning to stay married and not cheat on S.
Before I was married, I had male friend/s that knew it was not romantic attachment. We went places, movies, dancing, different events just for fun and friendship. Out to eat. Nothing was every done that would have looked like a couple dating in romance. Even included other people, women as well.groups going out for fun.
The most important thing is the friend must know right up front this is nothing more than a supportive friendship. So they do not get hurt of have hope of anything more. In fact, if they seem to be looking for more, it should end there.
You are right about Mimi being vunerable right now though. So she must find activities that keep her busy without jeopardizing her marriage, or good name.
You're doing a good job Mimi, just hang in there. It's hard to get through the waiting while WH does his thing.
I'm still not sure about this Condo buying. He seems so adament on it. For what? He could easily walk away. My fear is he's buying to put OW in. And of course, that will never work. I guess I'm just too suspicious since I've been burned twice myself.
God bless, LouLou