I have been married for 2 and a half years. I started cheating within a couple weeks of our wedding and have never gone more than 6 months without committing some kind of adulterous act with whoever happens to be around at the time.
I have been on anti-depressents and spent sometime in counseling over the last year. I haven't broached this topic in counseling yet, plenty else to talk about.
We were together three years before the wedding, I never cheated then.
I want to stop this cycle. My husband does not know about the affairs and I have no intention of telling him.
The guilt is unbearable and I have lost all respect for myself. As I try to figure out the reasons for my behavior, I always feel like I am making up excuses.
Has anyone had a similiar experience or insight into why I am trying to destroy my life?
thanks

Puzz:

"I have been married for 2 and a half years. I started cheating within a couple weeks of our wedding and have never gone more than 6 months without committing some kind of adulterous act with whoever happens to be around at the time."

Sounds like you're describing "physical affairs". Is it really that easy to have an A with "whoever happens to be around?"

"I have been on anti-depressents and spent sometime in counseling over the last year."

This sounds like you have a conscience that's telling you taht what you are doing is wrong. That is good.

"I haven't broached this topic in counseling yet, plenty else to talk about."

This I find amazing. Can there be so much else to talk about that it hasn't been important enough for you to bring up the subject of having affairs WITH YOUR COUNSELOR in a YEAR??? I realize that affairs are "symptoms" of the real problem, but they are also EMERGENCIES that need to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY in order to save a marriage, assuming it's worth saving. Even if it's not, you have a problem that you have recognized as such. Don't hold such important information from your counselor. How do you expect them to help you? What about STDs? What about unwanted pregnancy??? You are putting your health and your husband's health at risk with this behavior. Please be careful!

"We were together three years before the wedding, I never cheated then.
I want to stop this cycle. My husband does not know about the affairs and I have no intention of telling him.
The guilt is unbearable and I have lost all respect for myself. As I try to figure out the reasons for my behavior, I always feel like I am making up excuses."

I know you don't want to "hurt" your H by telling him. But you are hurting him and yourself more by being dishonest. You won't be able to rebuild your self-respect if you can't stop this behavior AND be honest with yourself and your H. Try telling him what you have done. You may be surprised at his reaction. Most betrayed spouses (BS) very quickly want to know what went wrong and how can they help fix things. He will be VERY hurt, and will need YOU to help him recover from this hurt. But NOT telling him the truth will hurt far more and for far longer than telling him the truth now (I know, I found out about my W's A 11 years after it first happened!).

"Has anyone had a similiar experience or insight into why I am trying to destroy my life?"

I applaud you for recognizing that this behavior is self-destructive. You will find many here that have had similar experiences and that can help. You should also read through the extensive articles on this website and consider either being more honest with your counselor, or counseling with one of the Harley's (owners of this website and forum). They are excellent!

Please take care,
-Qfwfq

Hi puzzeled-

Welcome to MB first of all!! You'll find great wisdom adn guidance here.

Indiscrimanate adult behavior such as progressive infidelity is most often behavior associated with a loss of trust and confidence, usually occurring at an early age...for instance when a parent falls short of the mark in terms of not only providing for essential needs, but does not make the child (any formative years) feel loved, secure and trusting in the relationship as is the case always with abused and/or neglected children, they grow up without those intrinsic qualities as a part of them and must seek attention, affirmation and such from others, however never allowing anyone too close to hurt you, hence serial cheating (as you call it)...not even your H can fulfill those emotional needs...it's safe for you to engage in PA and cut loose (you've met your SF while in PA. This EN has been fulfilled all the while we maintain control so to not allow anyone close enough to betray our trust...which perpetuates "stuff" from the past)...I'm not suggesting this is exactly what has transpired in your life, only you know for certain (if you care to share this, please do), however, often times this is the case...baggage from formative years unchecked will perpetuate unhealthy boundaries as we seek attention, affirmation and so called love in lieu of what it it we truly need.

Suggestion: Address this w/ IC and read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend...begin recognizing that YOU ARE worthy of trusting and being trusted, let go of your control to protect your inner child...she needs to heal...as you read the book and open this up in IC, you'll find that you can DO IT!

Godspeed
S

Substance abuse??? Alcohol? Street drugs? Prescription drugs? Tobacco?

Were you abused sexually as a child?

I was sexually abused by my grandfather and one of my mother's boyfriends as a child however I was not raped. The more painful memories for me are feeling responsible for my sisters' abuse.
I do abuse alcohol but have never used drugs. I have been trying to wean myself off of alcohol, it is very difficult to do. I smoke sporatically and socially.
I am not sure what SF means but I often think I am seeking validation through sex, that someone would actually want to be with me.
For me sex creates social bonds, not emotional ones, it makes me feel good. Only once have I had any kind of relationship with a stranger, generally they are friends. The list of men I've cheated with is a who's who of successful, caring, interesting people and in all but one case I have cut off all contact with them after the relationship ends. In the one case, it is impossible to extricate him from my life but our relationship, friendship has evolved to where the sex is no longer a desire for either of us.
This may sound crazy but I often feel like I connect more through sex with these other men than I ever have with my husband. I also feel that they are more willing to accept me with all my blemishes.
I can not imagine telling my husband because he would want to know why, and there is nothing to say that would possibly explain or justify my actions. There is a hole in me that I desperately want to go away and I can go periods of time being "good" but after a while I turned to the things that help me feel physically better because the fear and self doubt never go away.
I am truly tired of living my life like this and I am looking for advise and insight that will help me turn it around. Everytime I think I have finally squelched my demons, opportunity arises and I rarely say no.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I have a collection of relationship books and am always looking for something that will fix me.

How are you protecting yourself/your husband against sexually transmitted diseases?

Does your therapist think you have a personality disorder?

Puzzled:

Please understand that we're concerned about YOU. A lot of awful things can happen to a young woman with this kind of outlook on life.

"I was sexually abused by my grandfather and one of my mother's boyfriends as a child however I was not raped."

Why do you say this? Because you didn't say "no?" If they abused you as a child, they raped you. Each and every time, regardless of what you said or did!

"The more painful memories for me are feeling responsible for my sisters' abuse."

Which is another issue entirely! I hope she can get the help SHE needs to heal!

"I do abuse alcohol but have never used drugs."

Alchohol is a drug.

"I have been trying to wean myself off of alcohol, it is very difficult to do."

If this is true, you're probably an alchoholic. GET HELP.

"I smoke sporatically and socially."

I never understood the draw, but nicotine is a drug, too.

"I am not sure what SF means but I often think I am seeking validation through sex, that someone would actually want to be with me."

SF stands for "sexual fulfillment." Many of us get into these situations by seeking validation, or love, or power, or anything else through sex. I think you'd be surprised just how many people would want to be with you if you took sex out of the equation. And sadly, these people don't just "want to be with you" when they're having sex with you knowing you're in a committed relationship. They're using you. Cruelly, I would add.

"For me sex creates social bonds, not emotional ones, it makes me feel good."

But don't presume that it does the same for the person you are cheating with!

"Only once have I had any kind of relationship with a stranger, generally they are friends."

No they are not. Not if they're willing to cheat with you. They're all scumbags.

"The list of men I've cheated with is a who's who of successful, caring, interesting people and in all but one case I have cut off all contact with them after the relationship ends."

This is bull$h!+! CARING????? Not enough, apparently!

"In the one case, it is impossible to extricate him from my life but our relationship, friendship has evolved to where the sex is no longer a desire for either of us."

You should still end all contact with this person. You both need to face the consequences of your past actions. Because you had an A (affair), your friendship is inappropriate.

"This may sound crazy but I often feel like I connect more through sex with these other men than I ever have with my husband. I also feel that they are more willing to accept me with all my blemishes."

This is because they have to give so little to get what they want from you. These relationships are fantasies at best. Put the two of you into a real life relationship, where you have to clean barf up off the living room carpet because one of the kids is sick, or where your partner decides he's found someone else to poke on the side after (or during) work hours, and the fantasy will fall apart.

"I can not imagine telling my husband because he would want to know why, and there is nothing to say that would possibly explain or justify my actions."

This is true. You have no idea why you're doing what you're doing, which is why you're here asking for help (and I applaud you again for doing that!). But your H may be able to help if you only give him the chance. You owe him the chance to either help you through this, or decide to divorce you and seek happiness elsehwere. He can't possibly be happy in the long term if you're not 100% committed to your M with him and he doesn't even know why!

"There is a hole in me that I desperately want to go away and I can go periods of time being "good" but after a while I turned to the things that help me feel physically better because the fear and self doubt never go away."

And this, coupled with what you told us about your abuse as a child, are exactly why you need the best professional help you can possibly get, and NOW!!! I urge you to call either Steve Harley or Jen Chalmers on this website (go to the home page to see how to do this). This is an emergency!!!

All my best to you and your H,
-Qfwfq

"There is a hole in me ...." .... a very typical feeling for those who struggle with boarderline personality .... do you know if you have this?

Puzzeled .... do you like to be alone? Every so often, does it feel excellent to get off by yourself, clear your mind, and be quiet with your own thoughts? Or, does being alone trigger anxiety inside, and a search for .... "something/someone" to fill the hole?

Are you YOU when no one is around?

Here is a site you can visit that might give you more insight Puzzeled.

www.understandingsexualaddiction.org

This site has help for both SA's, and their spouses. I am the (soon to be ex) spouse of a SA (sex addict) -he has been involved in multiple affairs throughout our relationship. I have turned to the site listed above, in order to understand more about his behaviours, and of course to help heal from the exposure of it all.

There may or may not be anything on there that will help you at this time, but it's worth it to save it in your "favourites" folder online, so that you may refer to it when you're ready to read more.

Take care, and welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are very brave and strong to come forth and admit about your A's. That takes a LOT of strength. We'll be here to help you along your journey as much as we can.

Karen