Its weird because I have no idea why i did what i did. It hapened in nov 2002 and I told my H everything, but he thinks i didnt. I just pray for the day when he comes home and gives me a kiss and says hi honey how was your day. Or when he leaves and says bye honey and gives me a kiss. he doesnt kiss me except when we make love. When we make love its great i feel his love even though he says im just some girl that he is having sex with. I know i have a long way to go i just want him to tell me that he is giving me a second chance to prove to him that i want to be with him forever and i will never hurt him again. I have never had God in my life before and now I do that is why i feel so confident about what I am saying. After I see all the hurt i have caused him I would never do this to him or anything else to hurt him. We already have our kids names picked out, jenna and blake, we dont have any kids right now but we both really want them. I just want to make him happy for the rest of our lives but i dont know how to earn myself that second chance. Sometimes he asks me to leave should I? How do help him get the image out of his head? Any advice on anything would be most helpful!

What have you read from here and do you have an MC?

Hi meko,
Don't leave if you really love him. I am in the same situation; my wife strayed - DDay was 14 Oct 2001. So, I can relate to what he is feeling, I can also understand yours as well, because over the past year my wife has tried as hard as she can to prove her love to me and regain my faith in our realtionship. It just takes time. Just continue to love him; tell him and show him every day. He will come around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have read the basic stuff and everything on infidelity. I do not have an MC because I cant afford it. How long did it take for you to get the vision out of your head?

Does anyone hava any further advice?

meko,

I don't have time today, but will try to get back here tonight. Yes, there is more advice to give. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, perhaps you could formulate some questions for us to address. What do you want to know in detail?

Must go.

JL

what can I do to prove to him that I love him and want to be with him? How do i help him trust me again? I need help on anything and everything!

i only wish that my wife would give me the same chance so that i could find out what it's like. i'm sure it will take him a long time, but you have to be there for him and PROVE to him that you're for HIM 100%. it's gonna be hard for both of you but he must want it to work out because he's still there and still making love to you. keep trying and keep working. like i said, i only wish someday i have the same opportunity you gave your husband.

Hi Meko17,

Could you please give us a bit more about your background? It would help us in responding to your questions....

I'll check back later...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I am 22 he is 25 we have been together for 8 years married for 8 months. we have lived together for 5years. i have moved out 2 times before because first i needed my space then he needed his space but this was a couple of years ago. The situation now is I cheated on my husband in nov and told him about it. my husband is having a very hard time getting over it. i told him i will do anything and i promised to never ever hurt him again but he said he just cant trust me and he cant get the vision of me with someone else out of his head and certain things just remind him of it. right now he says im just a friend with benefits. i love him so much and i just want to be with him. I moved out the beggining of dec now im back here just not with my stuff. He loves me very much and has never done anything to hurt me and never would. I feel the same way. I just made a very big mistake and need to make our marriage work I dont want to lose him. At first he said he wanted a divorce right away but now he said its on hold. His sister and brother in law are very mad at me and i dont think they will forgive and he says that has a big impact on him.

Meko,
I'm in the same boat as you, the difference I cheated on my wife of 15 years. I lied to her for a year telling her I was working on the marriage, while I was still having the affair. I have had no contact with the OW since the 5th of Jan. My wife has filed for divorce even though she doesn't want it, she feels she has no other option. I have two beautiful girls age 4 and 6. I have recently started going to church and finding a new life with God. I know the hill is tall and I may never gain my wifes trust again, but I'm not giving up. The thing you have going for you is that you are at home, I'm living at my parents and really struggling. My advice is be honest and tell him everything. Have you filled out a Joint Agreement, I would do that. This shows him that you are commited to the marriage and it shows you he is. There is a reason you had the A and you need to find out why. Read everything on this site and keep talking to people, talk to the paster a church, he will not charge you for his time, he might not be trained as a MC, but he is trained to help people. I hope everything works out for you, Keep smiling.

Meko,

The first thing you need to do is understand Why you cheated on your H after only being married 6 months. If you cannot offer him an explanation, NOT AN EXCUSE, then he will never have faith that you won't do it again. In fact he may TRUST that you will do it again.

Let me explain something. Trust is nothing more than the thought that we can predict how someone else will act under different situations. It is often just assumed, but amongst friends it is actually based on consistent and continous behavior. This leads us to feel that this person will in fact do what they say.

Now right now your actions show you left him once, you have had an affair 6 months into marriage, and ...

Do you see the point. IF I were to extrapolate from what you have told us, I would TRUST that you would cheat again. The only thing you can do, is change how you look at things, show consistent behavior that contradicts what I just said, and understand yourself and him better. You need to start with yourself and the number one thing you need to understand is WHY. Why did you have the affair? Why did you need your space and leave once before? What is bothering you about this relationship and what seemed so attractive about the affair.

You need to understand these things so that you can evaluate whether you really want to remain married to your H. You OWE him that. There are no children involved, I assume, so now is the time to decide not just with your heart but your brain. If you decide to stay, then you need to change how you deal with things, how you approach your H, and to build trust take the time to show him that you will be "radically honest" with him.

The concept of "radical honesty" is central to the Harley approach please read the articles here on that concept.

I am sure more will provide you additional information.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Meko,

Listen to JL... He's right on target. The book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder calls this finding the "message of the affair". Do some soul searching and try to identify what was missing from your life that caused you to look elsewhere. Until you do this, you will still be likely to cheat again when similar circumstances arrise in your M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my husband is having a very hard time getting over it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to be very blunt here... Your H doesn't need to "get over it"... One of the absolute BEST things that you can do for your H is to NEVER tell him to just "get over it". Right now, the best thing that you can do for your H is constantly tell him that you are committed to him and that you are committed to the M. No matter how tired or angry you get with your H while he is sorting out his feelings and anger, please, please, don't ever tell him to "just get over it".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i told him i will do anything and i promised to never ever hurt him again but he said he just cant trust me and he cant get the vision of me with someone else out of his head and certain things just remind him of it. right now he says im just a friend with benefits. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H is right. He CAN'T trust you... and he shouldn't trust you. You have to show him by your ACTIONS that you are trustworthy. The smallest things will reinforce this. If, for instance, you tell him that you are going to be home at 5:00 pm, and you show up at 5:30 pm... he's not going to trust you... and it will just reinforce the "fact" that he can't trust you. Look for ways to SHOW your H that you are trustworthy... then follow through and do EXACTLY what you say you are going to do. This will help your H to slowly start learning to trust you again.

The "visions", or mental movies, will fade with time. But it's going to take a lot of hard work from BOTH of you. You should seriously consider finding a good pro-marriage MC and start going. It will help keep you on track and moving forward. Also, get a copy of Torn Asunder and read it with your H.

Be honest with your H when he asks questions. If he's like I was, he's probably going to ask some VERY intimate questions...especially regarding the physical aspect of the A. Don't try to "protect" his feelings... let him know that you will answer his question, but that the answer will hurt him and then ask him if he really wants to know... if he does, then answer his question. If you give him incomplete answers or try to "control" the "truth", it will only set him back more. Again, by doing this, you will slowly start to earn some trust back.

You've chosen a very hard road, but it IS possible to rebuild your M. Be patient with your H and reassure him of your committment to him and the M. Keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you everyone. rif90, last night we went out with friends and had a great night, it was the first night he showed me affection around our friends. Then the night before he told me sincerly looking in my eyes for the first time in o long time that he misses me and loves me alot, it made me cry myself to sleep. He heard me and asked whats wrong I said nothing he maybe this will make you feel better and just cuddled up next to me. It was great!! If I talk to someone at church will they look down at me or will they try to help me?

Hi Meko,

Glad to hear that things are going better with you...

I'd talk to your paster first and ask him if they have any counseling through the church. He may know of a couple that has been trough what you are going through that is willing to mentor both you and your H.

Make sure that you discuss this with your H BEFORE you go and talk with anyone from the church, including your pastor.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Well last night he told he wants to have kids but not yet. He said he is not ready for me to move all my stuff back in yet. But he told me after everything, everything I did to him he still wants me really bad. he read a divorce book when he thought we were getting divorced and the book told him that we should go through recovery for at least a year, spend every holiday apart. I think that was for if we were getting a divorce but he thinks that it applies to us now, does it? I told him I dont think there is a time limit on how long it takes to recover and that we should not spend the holidays apart. He said he doesnt know if he wants to do anything for valentines day, but i already had something planned, should I ask him to do something with me?

Hi Meko,

If your H is willing to work on the M, then you should spend as much time as possible together!!! Don't know what book he was talking about, but most A-recovery, M books say that you should spend lots of time together.

Right now, spending time with your H is critical because it gives you the opportunity to SHOW your H that you are changing... Drop your plans for V-Day and do something TOGETHER with your H!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tell your H to get rid of his D book and get a copy of Torn Asunder...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF,
How long did it take for you to get the images of your wife with another man out of your head? My H was reading posts on here last week but I'm not sure if he still is. Maybe if he talks to someone who is or has gone through the same thing because the only people he talks to here is friends and they never went through any of this so there all telling him to get rid of me. And one of his best friends is a female, she is really nice, but she is is friend she is not a mutual friend, he is now also good friends with by best friend. Which, me and my best friend are having problems now.

What am I suppose to say when H says "why am I accepting you back so easily?" H is not makeing it easy on me, he wont even let me have my clothes here there in my car. I understand wantin to go slow but im here everynight I dont see why i cant have my clothes here, but its what he wants so i respect that and i dont argue with him.

Hi Meko,

To answer your question about how long it took… It’s a day by day process for me. I still have certain “triggers” that will bring up those horrible images from time to time… but I’ve learned how to “deal” with them and they no longer throw me into a deep, depressed mood like they used to. For me, I’ve know about all of my FWW’s A’s since Dec 2000… so it’s been three years… not to mention that I knew about one A and suspected another way back in 1990…so for some "images" it's been 13 years. I know that this probably isn’t the answer that you wanted to hear, but for me, I don’t think that the images will ever go away.... but they do become less frequent.

When I first found out about one of my FWW’s A’s, all of my friends told me to dump my W and get a D. I’m glad that I didn’t follow their advice. If you H wants to e-mail me, he can do so at RIF90@msn.com .

I’d caution your H to be VERY careful with his female friend… in his wounded state, he is very vulnerable to having an A himself… especially if he is sharing info with her regarding the M or the A…

When your H asks "Why am I accepting you back so easily?"... You could reply "Because you are committed to our M and to our original wedding vows... I hope that my actions will show you that I'm worthy of your trust again."... or something along those lines.

We BS sometimes do some really crazy things... I don't know why your H won't let you keep your clothes at home... Hopefully he will start reading here and you guys will find a good pro-marriage MC and start going. Trust me on this, you both need to start MC as soon as possible... it will help keep you both focused. Also, you should get Torn Asunder and see if your H will read it with you.

Semper Fi,
RIF90