Hi, I'm new here, I've been lurking for about 2 months and have finally decided to get in the game, there is so much good advice and good will here. First, let me tell you my story.

My WH and I have been married 24 years, together 26. We have 2 children, s24 and d22. This July, my WH told me that he wanted to leave me. We had been fighting about our 120-yr-old house and what to do about remodeling it, now that the kids were gone. At one point I said, "if you don't want to fix it up, I'll do it myself". WH took that to mean I wanted a divorce (?), but a couple of days later I told him that we could work it out, maybe by me putting my own money into the project. He continued to say he wanted to leave me, that our marriage was not ever going to be able to fulfill him. I know my WH well enough to know that there was someone else, he would never take off on his own. I told him I did not want a divorce, that we hadn't ever tried counseling, and we owed it to ourselves to give the M a real try before calling it quits.

By mid-August he had really withdrawn from me. He had had major surgery in June and was home for most of the summer recuperating, so he had plenty of time to think and really got into a rut. I encouraged him to see a therapist, who diagnosed him with depression an 'obsessive ideation', which I think meant my H was stuck on thinking about leaving me and why. The therapist suggested a low dose of anti-depressants, which H eventually started taking. I guessed who the OW was, even though I had never met her, because he had talked a lot about her over the past 2 years (she is a 44 yr-old widow coworker), and he had even suggested she meet my bachelor brother, she was such a nice person.

I followed him one Saturday to their place of work, saw his car, found her office, and turned the door knob to enter the room. It was locked. I was about to knock, but overheard him saying something about finances, how they would have to change when he left me. After a few minutes of listening, I walked away, disgusted and shaking. When he got home I confronted him with my knowledge, he said he was relieved now that it was all out. He expected me to let him go, but I told him the truth, that I didn't want the marriage to be over. This was the beginning of the nightmare of the last 5 months.

At this point my H said it was still an EA, and I believe him, but he was gone from me. I tried everything to get him to stay, from sex to being sooo nice to him, but he went into a deep depression, wouldn't do anything around the house, slept whenever he was home, and cried a lot. Our son came to visit Labor Day weekend, and our daughter came back to school at that time, and my H told them both that he was in love with another woman. When they responded negatively to the news, he wondered why they weren't happy for him! My IC said his behavior is that of a very immature man, which I have known for a long time.

The next few months went from him trying to be home with me, to calling me from OW house and saying he wouldn't be coming home that night. Each time he did this he'd call the next day to see if he still had an option to come home. I took him back 5 times, then finally said he'd have to have NC with OW and live apart from me for awhile. He moved in with his mother and got a disability waiver for work (he wanted to stay away from her). Within a week, though, I knew he had contact with her, and he would reiterate that he didn't want to be with me, I had "beat him down" all those years. My H had 2 other A in our marriage, both 12-15 years ago, a PA and an EA, both co-workers, and had told me about them. I never told anyone about these, just kept it to myself and never got over the anger, it would come up every once in awhile.

Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, my kids were with me, but I told WH that it would seem too phoney for him to be there, too, since he still was in contact with OW. This really shook him up, he realized he was giving up his family, and by the first weekend of December he promised NC with OW, wanting to come home for Christmas. His IC had said he needed to assert himself with me, so against my better judgement, I let him.

The next weeks were strained at best. I could tell he didn't want to be with me, but was pining away for her. Our son, who is a case worker for mentally ill adults, had many chats with his father about keeping commitments, doing the right thing, possible reasons for his A. Our son told his father that if he came home for the holidays and left again soon after, they would not speak for a very long time.

Well, he didn't even make it through the holidays. My H left while I was at work New Year's Eve, moved in with OW. No note, nothing. The night before, he told me that he knew I was trying to make the marriage work, but that he wasn't, he didn't want the marriage, he had "feelings for another person". I hadn't heard a word from WH until yesterday, over 4 weeks, when he put a letter in my mailbox, although I have spoken to MIL and gotten/given info about each other. This brings me to you to ask for help.

The letter H wrote says he is sorry, would never have chosen this path if he had it to do over again, and that he is looking for his own apartment. (He is going back to work Feb. 3, and I suspect he is embarrassed that his co-workers know what has happened, but it won't look so bad if he lives on his own.) He will make some changes in direct deposit to joint accounts to pay for his place, but will keep me and d on health insurance and keep paying car insurance for now. What the letter did not say is that he wants to come home, or that he is done with OW. He wants to "come to the solid conclusions that need to be reached". He also thinks that by moving out of OW's house he will be able to "open the lines of communication" with me, son, grandmother, and other family members, as he "can't continue this isolation". I say HAAA, you asked for it!

Anyway, this is too long, and I thank anyone who has taken the time to read it. I have just written a Plan B letter, which I will post for criticism, sometime soon.


Me:BS 47
WH 48
Married 24 yrs, together 26
S 24, D 22
DDay #1&2 1988 1 PA, 1 EA
Dday #3 7/02
H goes back and forth btwn me and OW for 2 mos
10/22/02 H moves in with mother
12/7/02 H moves home
12/31/02 H moves in with OW
No contact with me and other family members 4 weeks
1/29/03 Letter from H stating he is sorry, still loves me, no mention of reconciliation, will get his own apartment to figure things out

Well...I hope that he sticks with his plans on getting his own place. He really needs to do this. I agree that a Plan B letter might be your wisest course at this time. He needs to really understand all the results of his actions.

As we all know from the stats, most affairs do die a natural death within a fairly short time after being brought out into the light. For whatever reasons, do not want a debate on them.

I would imagine that returning to work will be very difficult for him, no matter what the situation will be. But that is his cross to bear, NOT yours.

You've had a long marriage with a lot of history, both bad and good. Two children you share together. You've got a good chance of reclaiming your marriage...IF that is what you wish to have happen. But, at this point, he needs some alone time. jmho

This could be a double edged sword, he could fall back into the affair, but if that was to happen, better to have it happen when he is not living in the marital home and starting a new round of lies and betrayals. It could also be the means where he discovers just how much he has to lose and just how much he misses the life he used to have with you.

Good Luck!

To 'Just a Wifey' - thanks for reading my post and thanks especially for your comments. You are right, it is far better that he live apart from the marital home while he is still in contact with OW, I experienced that agony this fall. And there's still a chance that he will realize what he's giving up if he leaves me for her.

I was surprised at my emotional response to getting a letter from H this week, I was doing well without hearing from him, thinking that he was probably feeling guilty living w/ OW. I actually hoped that living with her for a month would cure him of her and that he'd come to his senses. What a fool I am! Instead, he's still on the fence, and I'm sad and angry today. This is the first time since Dday that I really wonder if I want him back, the big IF that you mentioned. I spent half of my IC session this week asking my counselor to explain WHY people have affairs. Although I'm still not sure, she did say narcissism and stunted development were possible reasons. My H was sexually abused as a child, and is a middle child who was ignored by his father all his life - he's always craved attention. His father also cheated on his mother for 20 years before she divorced him, so maybe there is a family pattern. Today I just don't know if I want to live with someone who has the ability to make such bad decisions, such wrong decisions. Maybe I have been living in a fantasy world these past 5 months thinking it could work out, now I'm back to being scared and unsure.

Thanks for listening, is this what is called venting?

Well...it that's venting...you do it very ladylike..so your nic fits perfectly!

We all go thorugh these thoughts of wondering what it is we truly want. Perfectly normal! And it isn't a decision you have to reach today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually, you really don't know what he's doing, rather he's sitting on that stupid, hopefully very pointed fence or if he's afraid to come home and admit what a fool he's been. Or if he doesn't have a clue as to what he's doing. Or if his life he thought he could have with OW wasn't quite in reality what he thought it would be in his fantasy. Or if she just tossed him out on his @$$ because she discovered he wasn't who she thought he was either.

There is just so much information which he didn't put in this letter. So we're all quessing as to where his mind might be at today.

It's funny, yet not, but when separated and getting on without a betrayer...it is easier then dealing with them. The lack of the continuing tugging and pulling and wondering what the h&ll is going on in their mind...can be so much calmer to our inner peace. And then the betrayer "intrudes" into our half-@$$ed peaceful space, and we go back to asking all those old questions all over again. This is what happened when he deposited that letter and you opened it.

Like I said, you don't have to make a decision today as to what you want to do about him. In fact...you shouldn't make any decisions until you have all the facts as to what is happening. Is he on that fence? Is he scared to admit he was wrong? What does he want?

Then you get to sit back, take into account all that you shared together, the damage that has happened and make a good decision for YOU.

Good Luck! btw...please be sure to note if your venting...I might miss it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />