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<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Right now, I'm not even going to address the issue of his cheating...I want to know what he has done about his abusive behavior! Has he gone for treatment? Did you call the police? Did you press charges? Did he end up in jail?

If none of these things happened...betrayal is not the only thing you need help with overcoming. jmho

IF...these did happen...What was the outcome of his treatment? Has he ever attempted in anyway to be physically abusive again? Does he push, pull, restrain you from leaving a room, get in your face and yell? What is his treatment to your children? Is he emotionally abusive to them, too?

The camel is in the tent sitting at the table and has had a five course meal. If he hasn't had intense treatment for learning how to deal with his anger....please...forget the betrayal...and get you and your children to a safe place.

Please...safety of life and limb FIRST!

IF...you post that he has had treatment, he's learned how to control his anger, he has NEVER lifted a hand to you again....then I'll be more then willing to give you all the advice and support I can with dealing with his betrayal.

(btw..."It was natural!" Give me a break!!! It was WRONG!!!!)

H

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Broken Heart,

I think I understand the question that you are struggling with. And your d-day & mine are only a few days apart. (see our story in my sig. below)

I have processed the A and realize that "what is done is done" and that I cannot change the past. I have dealt with it as best I can, but still keep coming back to the same question as you do.... How could he CHOOSE to do this?

Ok, the first night there was alcohol and the surprise of seeing each other (OW was HS GF).
But after that - to leave our house with the knowledge he was going to see HER.... that kills me. Each time he did that he was CHOOSING to do it, it was no "accidental meeting" as the first night was.

Granted, he didn't go looking for an A, but he sure didn't resist when the opportunity came along. What does that say about this man I married?

Like you, I am struggling with what the A says about his character and ability to really be committed to our marriage. We were not having big problems, just some staleness after 14 years and were taking each other for granted. So now I wonder how he will deal with BIG things that may come in the future? Can I trust him to look out for my well-being, or will he resort to "every man for himself" when the going gets rough?

My H has also been semi-abusive during our marriage (not physically, but verbally) and has an anger problem. I have dealt with this as best I can and it does not occur as often as when he was younger and we were first married, but it was "baggage" nonetheless. We all have our problems & quirks and annoyances, so to me this was something that I accepted as part of him and tried to help him with it, even though deep down I did resent him for putting me through it when it did happen.

So, after the A, I find myself questioning whether I can stay married to a man who not only
was abusive, but now also has had an A? I just can't get past the fact that A's are just so WRONG in every way - there is no way for my brain or my heart to get around it.

This issue is the one thing that seems to really be holding up my recovery.... I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life being the "woman who's husband cheated on her".... ??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Shelle

To try and understand why my husband has done what he did. I put myself in his shoes. He didnt get up out of bed one morning and go...well gee IM going out today to stuff up the lives of everyone who loves me.

Understanding the dynamics of an affair, they truely are amazing things, human behaviour stamped all over them. Many people probably would not agre with me here, but I honestly believe WS's have a bigger job than we Bs's do, in the healing feild.
They have to deal with the guilt of their bad choices, the fact that they put their sp' at risk of serious disease. They lied not only to their spouses but to their children..the list goes on for them. Everytime they look at us in the eyes , they can see the mistrust ,hurt
and the pain and it all falls back onto their shoulders. They carry your pain and theirs.

IMHO the WS have a bigger job of forgiving themselves then we do of them.

If your FWS are doing their best to show you their lives are now an open book, then please try and except them for who they are today, not the monster they were before they made bad choices.

They came home to you.

I still have bad days, and I tell him , hey I am having a bad day. I can lean on him and know by the way he holds me he loves me and he is staying home with me...I also know he has his bad days..Its a two way street.

I hope I dont sound like I am trying to minimise our pain at all. Lordy knows I have been there. Just look at the picture from a differnt angle for a little while, perhaps you will see where I am coming from.

Take care.

H

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I'm glad to read that he is getting treatment for his behaivor when angry.

As for the betrayal...yes, it is something the WS chooses to do, and it's a choice that for most BS is so unreasonable, illogical, cruel, that we just can't understand why they didn't think of all the logical, less hurtful, sane options they could have choosen. HOWEVER...Affairs are not about rational thinking and logical behavior.

I still do NOT like the spin he is attempting to put on his actions...there was nothing "natural" about what he did. He's not an animal who is ruled by instinct, he's a man with a mind who makes choices each and everyday. This to my way of thinking smacks of "I couldn't help myself"...and that is BS! He needs to accept full responsiblity for the poor choices he made. jmho

What you don't understand and may never fully understand is that there is NO real rational reason as to why he chose this path...He did it for selfish and STUPID reasons. You're wanting a rational, satisfactory answer to the question of "why"...and there is none. You will ALWAYS see all those other more rational options he could have, should have taken.

The WS who is truly remorseful and is doing everything they possible can to help with the healing taking place within the BS...is carrying a lot of confusing feelings. They want to help you, they don't often know how to help you, they get frustrated with seeming to make a terrible situation worse (as they see it) when they can't just "fix" it and make it all better. I know my H would on occasion throw up his hands and tell me that it didn't matter what he did, how he said it, didn't say it, didn't do...he was always doing it wrong. And he was partially correct, as there wasn't anything "right" in any of this.

If this woman is continuing to attempt contact and your H is unwilling of doing everything in his power to make this as difficult as possible...then he isn't doing his part. I agree with the counselor, a restraining order is needed...while your H has no control over what she does...he does have control over his reactions to what she attempts.

While you might could tolerate physical abuse (for the short term)...YOU SHOULD NOT! IN NO WAY! Get this thought out of your mind. This is NOT healthy thinking!

As for emotional abuse, yes, emotional abuse tends to take much longer to heal then say...a broken arm...BUT...NEITHER is acceptable!!!!

I'm not for sure what your statement meant about honesty being emotional abuse. Is he telling you what she is doing "today" and his reaction to it? OR...is this what he did during his affair?

IF...he is being honest about HER actions and he is being honest about his reaction to her actions...I don't call that emotional abuse. That's being honest, even if it is painful. And you really need to work on learning to deal with the truth, even if painful. (IF he's doing what he should be doing about this situation.)

Honesty is one of the requirements for a healthy marriage. Without it, you're not rebuilding, you're just plugging leaks in a flawed foundation.

IF...you are saying that he was being emotionally abusive during his affair, then yes, I do understand that, as it's pretty darn hard to have an affair and not be emotionally abusive to your spouse on some leve. If you're still having problems getting over the resentment of his PAST actions, know that this can take a lot of time. Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lot of time for those emotional wounds to heal.

What exactly is he doing NOW? Has he ended all contact with her that he has control over? If she contacts him, does he immediately tell you and cut her off? Has the affair ended at all? Is he being remorseful? Does he want to rebuild your marriage into a healthier and more honest marriage?

Are you still in counseling, together and individually? What do you want to do, where do you want your life and your children's lives to lead?

Sorry, I know that's a lot of questions...just trying to get an idea of where he's at (or your preception of where he is at) and where you feel you stand.

Good Luck!

Y

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>