Hi. This is my first time to post on these boards. A little background: I am the guilty party in an EA. I have ended all contact with the OW and my wife and I are working towards strengthening our marriage.

My question is regarding a difficulty we are currently experiencing; I have had two serious relationships prior to my wife and both of those were, at times, rather sexually experimental (one having been entirely sex-oriented). Perhaps unwisely, we have shared full disclosure of our pasts. Currently, we have had discussions of 'spicing' up our sex-life by pursuing some light sexual fantasies. However, she considers the ones that interest her to be 'off limits' because I have experienced similar situations in my past and, hence, feels that they would not be special and would trigger her to imagine me with those other women.

How can I help her get beyond the past experiences so that we can fulfill these fantasies? Any recommended readings or other ideas?

warfarin- First off let me say welcome to MB and I am glad you and your W are trying to work things out! So many of us wish our WS's would come back so we could do the same.

Full disclouser of your pasts is a wonderfull way to have a M based on openness and honesty.

A little more background info might help. For instance:
How long have you been M?
How long did the A last?
How long have you been trying to repair the M?
Kids?
Etc.

My thoughts, why are you so worried about spicing up your sex life? Is that why you had the A? Sex must be important for one or both of you is that right? What else is important to you and your W in a healthy M? If she is conserned about your thinking of OW during sex, validate her opinions and tell her that you only love her. Than show her that you love only HER! Do you give her lots of affection before and after sex? I am a guy, but I understand now that that is VERY important to women. More so than we think. Women help me out here but I think most women try to spice up their sex life because they are not getting the affection they want so they spice it up thinking that will solve the problems.

Some fantasies are fun and healthy, some are not. You are walking on thin ice right now if you are still new in recovery. Try to show your love for her in other ways maybe. JMHO

Read lots and keep posting!
STTSI

So right now some fantasies are off limits...that should be ok! If you want to "play" then use that imagination you've got and think up some other ones which she is comfortable with. The others might become an option later if you make the ones you do have enjoyable for both of you! Sex is sharing! Don't try to "get her over it"...just get on with making your sex life fun and exciting and new! Unless you've been into this for a long time...there should be thousands you could try!

Have a great night!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

More info as requested:

Me 34 , BS 21
married 1.5 years, together 4+years
d-day 1/14/03 EA ended immediately
In MC, individually and together
We have begun repairing and believe we have a good, strong foundation.

It was a work-based EA that started with flirting and graduated to more explicit email (this Jan.)--OW left workplace in Fall of 02.

Some clarification:
The fantasy idea was hers. Partly, I think, because the A made her feel inadequate. She currently has only one main fantasy that she feels would trigger her imagination to see me with the women in my past (who are not in the current picture whatsoever - relationships prior to this one).

The fantasy is not such that it could further endanger the marriage and I would love to help fulfill this fantasy. I have explained that what makes the fantasy special for me is that I would be doing this with HER but she has quite the imagination and knowing I've done similar things in my past keeps her from being able to pursue it.

I was hoping someone might have some suggested reading for the case where knowing everything about the partner's past causes difficulties.... And it could be simply that the EA caused the feeling of inadequacy and that it will go away of its own accord once I've fully established to her that she is not inadequate in any way! This might, in turn, allow her to explore these ideas...perhaps we are 'pushing' things too fast. Opinions?

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Warfarin ]</small>

Um, perhaps you could buy the book Kama Sutra? That is a wild book on positions and such. LOL
I will say my H and I couldn't do half the stuff. I hope you're in good shape if you do try it.
Why not invent some new fantasies for just you and her?
In time, she may get over this inhibition.
I will say I do wonder if my H thinks of the OW when we're making love and it bothers me a lot. I've even ask him to look me in th eyes some but he will not. They say gazing into each others eyes during love making is wonderful experience.
I've even suggested things I thought he did wiht OW, like showering together as we used to, bubble bathes, etc. To make it ours! But he hasn't yet. He swears he did not do that with her, but I know it was one of her fantasies as she mentioned the scenario in emails. That she was imagining him doing this when they were going to meet for a week.
Who knows? Maybe he did and is lying. Maybe he's the one who doens't want to be reminded of her in that scenario.
But there are other things we can do and all he has to do is be open to it. I'm willing to do whatever he likes or fantasizes about.
Except one thing! This is, I hope, not offensive to anyone, but explicit. I will not allow anul sex!
That to me would be very painful and disgusting. Sorry. but that's off limits to me and I would not. He's never suggested it, but if he were too, I'd tell him go get her!
Love making must be considerate and only involve things both are willing to try or do.
For me anything else if open territory. But he's really not asking for different things. He says he's happy with our love life. And that it's better than she ever could be with him.
Oh well, go figure why they do it to begin with if they think we're so wonderful.
I think our love life was great except for a time when he didnt' seem interested at all.
Perhaps the guilt he had over knowing he was going to be with her in future in a PA.
Our love life is better now than in years!
Just my two cents. Go buy some books and read together on fun things to try. Make them yours and hers.
LouLou

I can't stand this not knowing .....

WHY is your name Warfarin? AKA "Coumadin", a prescription drug for anti-coagulation of thromboembolic disorders.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My brain hurts from trying to make the connection.

PLEASE, why did you pick this name.

Curiosity got the better of me this time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Warfarin,
Exploring fantasies can be a very exciting and fulfilling experience. But, BE CAREFUL!! Someone already mentioned that you are treading on thin ice here, once you open that can of worms it's very hard to close it again. Some fantasies are better left as fantasies. But some, which you both agree on and are excited by, which include only you, are very healthy.
I'm very cautious of this because that is how my wife and I began, by exploring fantasies. We went way overboard and it may now cost us our marriage. We too started out innocent, but the mind works in mysterious ways and it seemed (for us anyway) that the more "exploring" we did the more outlandish our fantasies became. PLEASE be VERY CAUTIOUS of what you explore!

One thing your wife is 21...you're 34. The insecurity stems from the fact that she has no real sexual past...you do. No matter her past relationships she has a feeling of inadequacy. The EA only solidfied that with her. Full disclosure is not the problem. If it weren't this fantasy it would be something different...haircut, favorite restaurant, etc. She is not comfortable with her sexual prowess in your relationship. Not only will recreating the event remind her of you with other women but it will put in her mind the question: "Do I measure up to the other women."

There are tons of fantasies and variations thereof. The main thing she is looking to do is excede the "accomplishments of others." This is a common trait in young women and an even more common trait in women who have had their confidence destroyed by infidelity. Bottom line she needs to feel that your marital relations, whatever form, are the most important...and the pleasure shared cannot be replicated even if the physical performance is because she is the variable the separates her from other lovers...You both need to understand that while being lovers can be exciting...there is nothing more solid, committed, or fulfilling than being a spouse.

Remember being radically honest and offering full disclosure does not require one to divulge irrelevant information. Maybe it is not the actual information about your past that is the problem but the impression she has about what it means to you.

Example: My former lover was fantastic. Fulfilled my every fantasy from bondage to role playing. The sex was mindblowing. VS. Previously I have been involved with different people and I have experimented with differnt sex acts but nothing like I share with you.

The facts are the same...the focus is different. The first statement praises the past lover. The second focuses on the improtance of the intimate marital relationship.

Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it.

Best approach...rebuild her confidence in you, your marriage and her choice of you as a spouse.

Good Luck!

ayslyne

Thank you for your answers so far. We are fully cognizant of the possible evil that certain fantasies can do to a marriage. We understand that there are fantasies that are never meant to be realized and have even openly discussed them and agreed that they will not be allowed any manifestation beyond the imagination.

I like the Kama Sutra idea as it is a book I have never possessed (or even looked at for any length of time). It is funny that you mention it because we were in a bookstore just last night and there it was; we did not directly discuss buying it but it was a point of interest.

As for the origin of my name.... I have a medical background which is where I first was directly introduced to the drug. After that, one can look at it two ways (one having nothing to do with this general topic and the other having some small relevance):

1.) I have been a fan of computer RPG games, including MUDs for many, long years (I apologize to any unfamiliar with the acronyms I use.) It is a common theme among these games that one starts off small - usually by killing rats. If you are aware of the uses of the drug, you may know that it is an ingredient in many rat poisons.

2.) The medication is often used for patients suffering from some forms of cardiac problems. Hence, in this case, it is a medication used to help patients who are suffering from an ailing heart. This is the relevance you are seeking.

Again, my thanks for the replies thus far. I am glad my wife discovered this website.

I like Ayslyne's response.

Your wife has been with you since she was 17 years old. She is still very young. Give her time. Be patient. She has not reached her sexual peak .... far from it. Her sexual comfort level will gradually expand.

Hello everyone! This is my first time posting. I am Warfarin's wife. I have spent many hours and cried many tears since D-day. I have blamed myself and blamed him. I now realize that I am lucky. After reading stories, my situation is minor....however, it is still painful. I discovered the EA before there was a REAL bond between H and the OW. He immediately stopped communicating with her which helped me to start the healing process. We have always been pretty open and honest with one another and I believe that is why it is so "easy" for me to heal (I'm not in any way trying to suggest that I don't need more help in this area). We have been seeing a MC since 3 days after D-day. She is helping both of us to rebuild this marriage. She told us that we have a "very stong foundation" and I took that as a compliment. I believe that we are closer than we have ever been. I also know that the trust will come with time.

Yes, I was just 17 (Going on 30, Financially responsible, living away from my parents) when we started dating and sexually inexperienced. Boy, do I know how fantasies can get out of hand. My ex and I were together for 2-3 years. Inviting someone into my previous relationship created strain and eventually caused the break-up. I met H while I was still dating my ex. Nothing happened, out of respect for my ex, until I was out of that relationship. I told myself at that point that I would not allow that or anything similar to happen again. I love my husband too much to let anything come between us.

I agree that I feel inadequate and that I am jealous of his experimentation. I'm confident that we can get past this. The Kama Sutra idea is fabulous and I am willing to try anything. I hope that this experience brings us closer than ever because I really want the closeness that we had before this A. Keep those ideas coming!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WOW!

And thanks again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wayfarin,Brinnah, start exercising. LOL The book is a lot of fun and laughs even if you don't try it all or can't do it! It's got some really wild positions in it. Monkey in the tree? LOL
Um, are you two not here and off to the book store right now?
I still have the book, so maybe I'll go take another look after all these years.
we may just find something new or we'll kill each other getting twisted up and can't get apart. Heehee.
These old folks have to slow down just a bit you know. We're still having fun, but no chandelier in the bedroom.
Just be sure to keep it all between you two. No need to get dangerous and add new fantasies when you keep things at an even pace. Save some for later!
Tee hee, would anyone believe I have a spot on my body just drives me wild with desire and I never told my hubby until last year? Be married 31 yrs this July. Well, he found it a few times, I just never told him it was the most!
Some surprises must remain for the latter years.
Adds new interest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Have fun, and Brinnah, glad to see you here.
God bless, LouLou