G

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I do not think it is a matter of 'getting over' an A. It is more of accepting and then building on.

It takes time and patience for everyone.

It may not be all about the BS. What fosters recovery might just be the attitude of the exWS.

What allows a BS to go on? I think that getting some counseling, practicing cognitive therapy techniques to interrupt some of the affair thoughts that plague us, practicing a good plan of forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what our spouse did--that would be just plain stupid of us, but rather surrendering the right to exact justice and take revenge. For me, as a Christian, it was turning my anger over to God, every single time I felt angry. I refused to hold my anger and charish it.

My prayer partner defined sin this way: sin is whatever separates us from our relationship with God or with those people we are supposed to be in relationship with. So, if you have chosen to remain in your marriage (and not exercise your Biblical right to divorce after infidelity), sin could be holding on to anger or nursing the hurt.

I was having huge, serious blind rages after D-day. My pastor counseled me that my anger was at the level of sin. I disagreed. He asked if God could reach me when I was in an out of control rage. I said no. He asked if anyone who loved me could get through to me during a rage, would I allow anyone to comfort me?--friends, relatives, anyone? I said no but that I thought my anger over the affair and child born of that affair were perfectly normal. He agreed that mine was what we would expect most people to feel but that when I began to cherish my rage, feel so entitled to it, nurse it and cause it to grow instead of taking measures to calm it that I was increasing my distance from those who cared for me (including my repentent H).

Of course, there is always "forgiveness with the door close." I forgive you but what you did hurts so bad that I cannot remain in relationship with you.

MJ

M

I think one of the main needs to heal and recover, though one may never heal completely, is this; WS must make real efforts to change behavior and start reassuring us of their love for us. My FWH is doing this in many ways.
Until he did though, I had a very hard time with the hurtful thoughts and his actions.
If the same old behavior continued, I'd be out the door because I couldn't and wouldn't endure the pain anymore.
I truly do not believe the pain ever goes entirely away. It hasn't for me and his first A was 24 yrs ago.
But one can forgive if given the right incentives. I know as a Christian we are to forgive regardless of their actions. But that is easier said than done. For me, I needed some real positive efforts on his part. That made it easier to forgive.
Forgetting is not ever going to happen. Even my therapist told me it wouldn't, but with time, you do start to feel better and not think on it as often.
One of my problems was H never seemed to want SF with me and I got rejected a lot.Now it's over a year and he's the one pursuing me and it's helping me heal in that area.
My need was more emotional than sexual, but the love making helps me feel desired again and my self esteem returning.
I had big problems with his A over the rejection I'd gotten, though I am ten times the better looking woman and good person morally.
You will never figure them out!
But, the continued A that some deal with here is way beyond my capacity to do.
Broken heart and arm, you have much to deal with since he did you a physical injury over OW.
I'm afraid that would take a will of iron for me. And he'd have to be so repentant and on his knees to get my forgiveness.
God bless, LouLou

broken heart&arm - It takes time, and I have not totally (really can't put a % down) forgiven my wayward husband for his physical abuse against me. But I have forgiven him 75% for his affair. Not totally, cause I was not letting God into my life, not letting God help me. I was trying to control my life and nothing was happening. This is what I am working on now. Giving it to God, and letting God help me. Letting God help me, when my husband is unthoughtful to me. Uncaring to me. I am asking God to help my husband, cause he does need psychological help. He is a good man, a helpful man, but he is not the man I married. He has turned a curve, into who knows where. I never thought that I could not trust a wrod my husband said. But as of today, there is some trust in his words, but some I can't trust. For good reason.

Your hsuband hurt you, your heart, and your self esteem. My husband did the same. I had injury to my rotator cuff, had surgery, and trying to recoop. Seems your husband is trying, mine isn't, he is moving on. Yours at least seems to be saying I am so sorry I hurt you honey, mine isn't. Take and have a time, which our counselor told us in the beginning, and take 15 minutes or whatever and have time to sit down together, without interruption and talk about the day. What is planned for the day. And then talk about your feelings. Maybe something happened last night, that disturbed one or the other. Write it down, and then talk about your feelings. This is a good way to communicate, and get some of the garbage out.

What your hsuband did, is something that no one wishes on their worst enemy. I am sorry that you are in that place. I am sorry that you have to deal with the emotional imbalance. God be with you. But try the communication between you two. And write it down. This is so helpful to look back at it during the day, and focus on what the two of you said.

I

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>