If he tries to make you feel guilty, just read the last few days worth of espoirs posts again. She explains things best. The reality is that he left, he lived with another women. He abandoned his family. He has refused to address the problems it caused.

Don't let him blame you for problems that he caused. It's not you.

SS

Glad to hear things are rolling and that you are feeling peaceful about it. When reading your posts before, I missed the one about your talk with the boys- you handled it beautifully and I'm glad it went well with their understanding.

Not naming OW sounds like a reasonable compromise if it means avoiding him contesting.

I do think you will be in for a tough time getting the finances worked out and he will try to make you seem like a baddie. But that's what you are paying your solicitor for- let him be the baddie.

Just remember should those $ be spent on H's sailing trip or on the kids? I am sure you are not asking for anything more than you are legally entitled to. Also you don't know what the future could hold- what if H loses his job in the future and support is reduced? Money you can save now could help in the future. You've already taken less than you were entitled to.

You sound really clear, really peaceful and I am glad to see you in this mindset!

Thanks again folks- the peace continues at least in my emotional life. Which is just as well as my home life is in turmoil. the electricians are in all week rewiring the place. they are doing a brilliant job and being as helpful as possible but it is still messy!! No lights downstairs tonight- but a lovely new light system upstairs!!

Jante

Hi J,
When I prayed for your family this morning, I got the feeling again that I didn't need to worry about you, that you will come out of this in good shape.

Someone told me once that electrictians are shocking. Is that true?

W wanted to know how you are doing last night, she read some of your posts. She commented that it is probably time for you, and that she hoped you would be happy. She said "no one should have to live like that for two years."

I hope you continue to do as well as you sound.

SS

hey at least you have a beautiful new kitchen to look forward to. Beats thinking about a WH anyday.

It's so fun to design a kitchen. I have my dream kitchen now and I enjoy it so much. My H and I were in the middle of building it when Dday hit. If he had left- I would have got the kitchen!

My kitchen is so cool and completely meets my cooking needs. And the best part about doing a kitchen is big or small you can put in some little touches that are really YOU. Whether it's the cabinetry you choose, the color of tile, the formica or stone countertops, plates you hang on the wall- you can really personalize it.

In my kitchen I have a hutch that is painted green. My tile backsplash is made of green, yellow green and blue handmade tiles- some with animals on them- turtles, bear, deer, fish, rabbits etc. It's a woods theme in honor of a family camping trip. Otherwise my cabinetry is maple stained a medium brown. My floors are green slate. I have a pot rack and 2 sinks. My kitchen is my favorite room in the house.

So, Jante- what are you doing with your kitchen? Are you replacing your cabinetry or appliances? Are you happy with your renovation so far? Are you putting in any little touches to make your kitchen your dream kitchen?

Hi Espoir,

Yes I am changing most things in my kitchen- though I am keeping the dishwasher, washing machine and cooker as they are all recent. I have chosen cream cabinets in a tongue and groove effect with wood effect work surfaces, to team up with my pine dresser and a new pine table which will seat at least 8 people. The walls will be yellow, the tiles white blue yelow and green, the floor tiles blue green and yellow and the same colours in the soft furnishing. i have had new light fittings and when it is finished it will be as near my dream kitchen as i can afford.

The rest of the house is in a state of chaos due to all the rewiring but i have lovely new lights in my lounge and at least the house will be safe.

As you say thinking of all this has kept my mind of WH.

SS, please thank your wife for her kind thoughts. Yes two years is too long to have lived like this and I can't belive how quickly it has passed for the most part.

I remain very calm about the whole situation.

Jante

I can tell I am a man when it comes to kitchens.

If my W asked me for input on kitchen plans, I would probably say something like, " I don't care, just so dinner is on time."

Well, I'm not quite that bad.....no, perhaps I am, I would even be willing to live in a shed in the back yard under the right conditions.

J, I am glad you are at peace. Hope the boys are doing well this week.

SS

Your kitchen sounds like it will be lovely! I love the colors you've chosen. And how nice to have a big pine table for everyone to sit at. It sounds so warm and cozy. I'm mentally picturing myself having a cup of tea at your kitchen table! I know the friends and family that do have that cup of tea are going to enjoy it!

Hi folks

SS
J, I am glad you are at peace. Hope the boys are doing well this week.

Had parents evening for D yesterday and was really pleased to hear that he is much better behaved at school and at last is showing his true potential. he is heading for some very high scores in his tests in may if he comntinues and should get good exam results in2 years. I have told him how pleaed I am and rang T and told him and he also told D how pleased he is.

Espoir
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm mentally picturing myself having a cup of tea at your kitchen table! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wish you and SS and my other friends from these boards could join me and enjoy tha cuppa.

Jante

Hi Espoir and SS plus any othr friends reading
Well returned home from a very pleasant w/e and H was quiet but friendly.

Before leaving he did get his cheque book and begin to write a cheque. He said that in future he would like to leave the cheque on or around 15th when he gets paid, which I said was no problem to me as long as he had talked to me. He also said he had approached a solicitor who dealt with financial matters to sort his finances out! He then proceeded to say that he felt I was entitled to £450 as he already paid £200+ for my car. I remInded him quietly what the solicitor said and then left it to the solicitor to make the necessary request for financial disclosure and to srot out what is my legal entitlement. What he is suggesting is £150 per child per month to cover all their costs! I know I have to and do pay my share but this still seems low. However I was pleased that the whole conversation took place peacably. perhaps I should always hold these conversations after I have been away with friends!!

Am now ready for am early night as I didn't get much sleep last night.!
Jante

I'm glad that it was calm. that figure does seem low but I can't gauge the costs in the UK. In the US we have formulas that quickly take #of kids, parent income and costs into account. They do it all by formulas. Do they have this in the UK? has your solicitor given you any idea of what kind of payment you could expect?

Hi folks.

Espoir, we have CSA and you can get their calculator to check things even if you don't want them to get involved. My calculation based on therr=e formula would set it at about £700-750. However my h is paying £200 a mon6h on my car and thinks that should come off the figure for child support though the solicitor disagrees. I spoke to the solicitor today and he is going to ask H for full financial disclosure and then calculate a fair figure. I will then ask for a court mandate for him to pay. If he disagrees then I shall have to go to CSA. Solicitor has also drawn uip the dv papers and will be sending them off this week - so H will be served soon. I can't believe that I can calmly discuss all this and feel no sense of remorse - it just feels right and necessary.

SS hope your w continues to recover.

Jante

Hi J,
I have been gone again, thought I would be able to get on and post sooner, but nooo, things never seem to work like you want them to.

I was going to wish you a good weekend, but it is already over with now. Must be exciting to be up most of the night with friends. I hope you were able to relax and enjoy your self and that you feel better now. I didn't even worry about you!

My W is doing much better now. I think she tries to do more than she should, but she has always been that way. Like you, she is a worker.

I still agree with espoir that you should have the payment from H set by law. Unless you do I believe he will continue to waver when he has no funds. He may very well stop paying for the car at some point, but that is something you will have to think about if you go ahead.

We continue to have small "disagreements" with S but we love him and he loves us and things always seem to work out. Glad D is doing well. Hope C is well also. A seems usually to help more than cause problems, hope that continues.

I am thankful for your help to LIR, you have much to give and your advice is always well thought out. ( that goes for you too, espoir.)

So, are you feeling like you will go ahead with D? I have been wondering if your mind was made up. What are your thoughts now?

SS

Hi SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
So, are you feeling like you will go ahead with D? I have been wondering if your mind was made up. What are your thoughts now?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I feel very much at peace even when I sit in the solicitors office discussing the nitty gritty of it. I can't explain the calm it seems wrong to say that it is the peace which passes all uinderstading when it is to do with dv!!

The w/e ws good and very relaing, many of us are now beyond just beomoaning our situations and can laugh and chat on many subjects. It was also good to be able to offer support to tthose newer to the whole situation.

I know what you mean about your w trying to do too much- but its her nature to want to get on rather than sit and watch someone else do it!!

Hope things continue well with you

Jante

Hi J,

I don't know if I have done you much good the last few months. I am glad espoir came around with some plain talk.

Yes I feel very much at peace even when I sit in the solicitors office discussing the nitty gritty of it. I can't explain the calm it seems wrong to say that it is the peace which passes all understading when it is to do with dv!!
I believe that calm means that you are doing the right thing. When I read what espoir wrote about moving on, I have to agree.

I have learned much from communicating with you, thank you for the opportunity. I have said before you have a great deal to give, you have more wisdom than you sometimes give yourself credit for. Sometimes you make a decision and are afraid to let others know for fear they will disagree with you. It is good to see you be firm in doing what you believe you should do.

I still pray for you to do well, and continue to believe you will.

SS

I think you are handling things very well. Yes- let your solicitor handle it- I am sure he will be fair. When you have the amount set legally at least you will know what to expect and you won't be subject to your H's whims.

I am so glad that your heart is calm. Glad that you seem so focused and clear. It's a really good place to be.

oops double post

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>

Thanks SS and Espoir for your warm thoughts. Another positive today- I have an interview for a job in a fortnight which is similar work to what I have been doing- this time setting up volunteer programmes for youth offenders to be helped with literacy and numeracy. It is only part time which i would like to enable me to be able to spend more time at home with the boys.One more thing to thank God for.

Jante

Hi J,
Is T back on twice a week visits, or just on weekends?

I am curious as to what your mum said about all this when she came to visit. Also your sisters. Do they ever comment and give advice. You have said in-laws have been supportive, do they know the direction you are going now.

Also, I haven't heard for a long time how FIL is doing with the cancer.

As I have tried to think of things that would help I wondered about every weekend visits. It means you have to go out, or feel more and more uncomfortable when he is there. It also means that the boys do not get time to do what they want on a regular basis, but need to plan around their dad. Perhaps now would be a good time to look at visits every other weekend and on another day between. It would mean the boys and also you could have days to do what you want without considering his arrival and departure times.

Perhaps there are already enough times when he does not come so that it isn't a problem.
I am sure you have thought about these things much more than I have, just passing on my thoughts of today.

SS

<small>[ March 07, 2003, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS

Is T back on twice a week visits, or just on weekends?

Just w/e - he is also back to travelling by trian so he arrives between 10.30am amd 11, and leaves usually about 5.30pm. He is unable to visit mid week now he is permanently in London- its too far to come for an evening visit. the boys tend to do their own things with friends despite dad being here so he sees even less of them. But he seems happy with the status quo. The detailshad to be filed with the solicitor for the court to check and before it wasfilled in I checked with h and he said he didn't want to make any changes. He is having the boys with him for a long w/e over easter. I will have to look at the situation of him in the house at w/e's- as yet it hasn't proved a problem as I have been out doing my own thing- but this may become more of a problem as time goes on.

I am curious as to what your mum said about all this when she came to visit. Also your sisters. Do they ever comment and give advice. You have said in-laws have been supportive, do they know the direction you are going now.

Mum never said much- until I told her I had gone to the solicitor when she said she thought it was about time- likewise my sister had been advising me to file for a year. My IL's are aware of my filing and have continued to be supportive and told me to make sure I got sound legal advice. They have said they will always consider me one of the family despite what T has done.
As far as I know FIL is doing well- he and MIL have been away on holiday and have also been down looking after their other grandchildren for a week.

My life continues to feel peaceful though I will be glad when the work on my kitchen is over!

Hope all is well with you and any other readers.

Jante