Hi J,

I know I need to put some careful thought into the future and the time the boys spend with their dad.
Yes, I recommend you set up a monthly programme and stick to it, but why do I find myself thinking you will be nice to T and move things around to make it easier on him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually, it would work both ways, it would be nice it he could help you out sometimes too. I just worry that you will come to an agreement for him to take them and he will forget often. It wouldn't be nice if you were - well lets say going on a honeymoon or something and he "forgot" and canceled. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Also giving some thought to what to do about my surname!!

I don't blame you for not wanting to keep his name. No real advice about that. It is akward not having the same name as your children sometimes. If you marry again it will be change anyway (Well, it wouldn't have to I suppose.)

I have to wonder if you would want your fathers name back after what happened there, so I am not sure what you are looking to do. I recommend leaving it for a time and thinking on it. That would be easiest and you never know who will come along and propose. I have to think that if you want to marry, you will find it easy to interrest someone.

I hope you don't have a line at the door the day the D is final, the boys would never forgive you. ( and yes, that is another bad joke, but more muted, don't you think?) Could happen, anyway, so there.

Does this person that you fancy know you could develope stronger feelings for him, and does he have a nice name? You haven't commented on this for quite some time, so I don't know enough to really say anything.

Perhaps that is an unfair question, in which case, please don't respond.

I can see you asking about the name in connection with the proposed business. It would be nice if you could have it all nice finished and never have to change it but that may not work.

How are the boy doing now? You haven't commented for a while on them. You seem well, and I hope I am not missing something.

SS

Hi SS and thanks as ever for your thoughts.

Yes, I recommend you set up a monthly programme and stick to it, but why do I find myself thinking you will be nice to T and move things around to make it easier on him?

Actually we already set up a three monthly programme whereby he sees the children most saturdays- though the od time when he decideds he can't make it I am accommodating. My comment re his seeing them was more to do with 'where' he sees them- ie not in my home so much! We've discussed this ( you and I not T and I ) before and its just something I need to get my head round.

I don't blame you for not wanting to keep his name. No real advice about that. It is akward not having the same name as your children sometimes. Its the children that complicate this situation. D doesn't care he says but A has told me he'd find it strange if I had a different name to his and so hopes I won't change mine. He also commented that he would leave home if I remarried but tht it was different with his dad as he only sees him and his OW occasionally. Told him I had no plans to remarry yet!

I hope you don't have a line at the door the day the D is final, the boys would never forgive you. ( and yes, that is another bad joke, but more muted, don't you think?) Could happen, anyway, so there. Yes a bad joke but I'll laugh anyway and no i won't have a line of prospective partners at the door!

Does this person that you fancy know you could develope stronger feelings for him, and does he have a nice name? You haven't commented on this for quite some time, so I don't know enough to really say anything.

No to the first question and yes to the second!!

While we remain good friends I have given no indication to him that I could consider him as anything else and he certainly hasn't indicated that he sees anything else. I also know that I would need to have the dv through to feel at peace about persuing a nw rel anyway. I cetainly intend to take any such step very slowly.

How are the boy doing now? You haven't commented for a while on them. You seem well, and I hope I am not missing something.
The boys seem to be doing fine- D has really sttled down and is gradually becoming the lovley individual he used to be. A has developed the annoying teens habits but i now know I can survive them!! And C remains my cuddly little boy- at least for a little longer. I am doing well and Praise god for the supply teaching work I got last week.

This w/e I have been away visiting my mum with my sister, as it was mums b'day we went up together to our home town and stayed over night- taking mum out for dinner. It made it a rally special w/e for my mum.

I am looking forward to a few days off to persue some fun and decorating this week!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jante

Hi Jante,
Have you been teaching, and if so, how is it?

I wonder what thoughts you had when A said these things.

D doesn't care he says but A has told me he'd find it strange if I had a different name to his and so hopes I won't change mine. He also commented that he would leave home if I remarried ........
I wonder how you brought these things up, or if the boys did - I would like to see the "instant replay" and then I could comment much more effectively about it. But ( you know I can't keep my mouth shut) here goes.

Don't worry about it.
Now, I don't think you really will, nothing is planned, and after all that has gone on the past two years, I suspect you know that you can work it out, but just in case, don't worry about it. You'll have plenty of time to think about it as you go on and live your life.

Yes a bad joke but I'll laugh anyway and no i won't have a line of prospective partners at the door!
How can you be so sure? You always were modest. Hmmmmmm, that is something men like in women, and it may make it even more difficult for the men to stay away. Perhaps A and D could look them over and weed out most of them and only let in the best prospects. You had better teach them how to tell what is important. If you are not ready yet, you could just put up a sign telling them when to return or what number to ring for an appointment.

I know you would finish D before seeking another relationship, I only ask as a concerned friend to see how you are doing. I am always impressed by your calm demeanor. I am thankful that you choose the path that will make you happy, and do things the right way. I want you to be happy.
I just hope you never feel my questions are intrusive or that my attempt at humor is offensive.

A has developed the annoying teens habits but i now know I can survive them!!
Glad you have C to make up for it. I also know you can not just survive, but do very well, I wish many couples in the world could and would do as well as you do now by yourself. It is a token of my respect for you that I say this.

I hope the time spent with your mum and sister was a very happy time. I often wonder if they know the right things to say to help you heal, and to be happy, or if they talk without regard to your feelings. I would think by now your mum would be wise and know how to help, but from other things you have said I don't know if she was able to properly process what happened to her, let alone help you. I am not sure why some of these things come to mind for me, perhaps I want you to know someone cares about you and your thoughts , and your feelings.

As always, God knows your heart and will continue to care for you as you continue to put him first. Today where I live the sun is shining - I hope it is shining in your heart today.

SS

PS, if you are decorating, I had better prepare for paint splatters !! I'll keep a cloth by my my monitor. Just be careful when I eat my lunch, I don't think paint would taste good!

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS

Yes i had some siupply teaching last week- 3 days- 9 year olds and it was great. I really enjoyed myself, de[spite the 4 hours of extra I had to do marking books!!!
With regard to my talk with the boys about a possible name change for me, I brought it up this time reminding them of when they had asked me the question 2 years ago. I said I hadn't made any decisions but wondered what they felt about it!
Hence their replies. I am using my usual tactic, do nothing until you are sure.

I hope the time spent with your mum and sister was a very happy time. I often wonder if they know the right things to say to help you heal, and to be happy, or if they talk without regard to your feelings. I would think by now your mum would be wise and know how to help, but from other things you have said I don't know if she was able to properly process what happened to her, let alone help you. I am not sure why some of these things come to mind for me, perhaps I want you to know someone cares about you and your thoughts , and your feelings.
Thanks for your concern. My mum sister and i had a lovely time together , and though they don't often say much they have been a great help through out the last 2 years. My mum has simply encouraged me to do what I have to do to be happy and not tried to colour her comments with her own prejudices. That said she admits she had her reservations about the way treated me and hopes I don't get back with him! My sister feels much the same though when I desperately wnated things to work out she did support me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well saw the solicitor today to swaer the affadavit for the decree nisi-, the courts now have to approve my request and set a date, which I don't have to go to, then 6 weeks and one day later I can apply for the absolute and it will be all over. I felt sad as I swore the affadavit as I had to say that T's adultery made it impossible for me to live with him any more. I needed the dv to be opn grounds of adultery for my own sense of right and to be in line with scripture, but I found that bit hard as for so long Icould have put it behind us and got on with the M if he would have let me. However he isn't contesting the petition and admits the adultery so it will soon be over. However he is claiming that all the finances were settled with the sale of Castle Levan which means I now have to go for full financial disclosure to try and establish what is the CSA level of support he should be giving me for the childre, particularly in light of my own job situation.

Oh well upwards and onwars. The sun is shining and I do have a small amount of work for this month.

Jante

ps yes keep your cloth at the ready, painting about to commence

Hi J,

Sometimes I read something and understand it but then I come back and see it totally different. This hit me differently today.

I am using my usual tactic, do nothing until you are sure.

Today ( my mood, or what ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )
it hit me differently. If I followed that all the time, I would be single, living in a tent in the desert with no job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

No, actually, when I married I knew it was right and it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. Perhaps that is one reason I feel so badly for you, and LIR, and Lisa and many others. Why should I be happy in my marriage and you in the middle of D. I can't answer the question, but just try and help others as best I can and count my blessings.

As far as employment, my dad ask me recently when I was going to quit playing around and get a real job. ( I sell camping equipment, which to many means play toys for adults.) I don't know if I ever will, I kind of like it.

Really, I know what you meant, but - well, you know how I can be some days.

Teaching 9 year olds, that age could be fun. The twins are 9, so we have two that age in our home. They are still mostly sweet and very fun for me.

I hope your work goes well, that you get enough to make ends meet, and I hope you get enough support from H to make things a little easier. The few times in my life when I have tried to imagine what D would be like, I could see me living in a small dark flat eating beans and rice every meal. You are doing much better than that, and you even have friends that think highly of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

We have another wedding this week. Oldest son, 25 gets married Saturday. I haven't laid hands on anything yet to send out and show people.

This son was in an accident last year and broke his neck. He also took a nasty blow to the head and though he looks normal now, I wonder if he has healed emotionally. I have spoken to the girl ( nice girl, BTW) about him but she wants to go ahead. My worry is that he shows signs of being abusive but it is hard to tell and perhaps I worry in vain. Since his blow to the head he seems different to me, and I can't explain it really, but I worry.

Well, we do the best we can, and then we pray about the rest.

SS

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS .
Congratulations on thesecond wedding in your family- hope all goes well on the day. Sorry to hear of your sons problems- hopefully they won't surface as anything bad in the M but at least you are aware and can be on guard for it. Your soon to be DIL also knows you are aware there could be repercussions and hopefully will talk to you if they do show.

Not a lot happening in my life at present. Soon the boys will be away with their dad for Easter and I will have no excuse for not getting on with the decorating!!

Enjoy the celebrations

Jante

After posing this had a phone call from H asking if I would agree to the boys travelling to London on their own by train for Easter to save him the journey back and forth in one day. I have said no- I don't think its fair on the eldest to ask him to be responsible for his brothers- hes 14, the 14 yr old and 12 old fight when bored ad the journey is at least 2 1/2 hours, and the youngest will I'm sure be scared! So now hes malking me feel guilty that he will have to drive up to collect them and drive back agin- even though he deos it every saturday anyway!!

<small>[ April 11, 2003, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

Hi J,
We have company visiting, but they are touring Zion National Park right now, and I have some time at my desk. Not much desk time the past few days, been working out in the store.

Not a lot happening in my life at present.
Does that bother you? I think about that sometimes. I often wonder what causes the ebb and flow of our thoughts. How we begin thinking about one thing, and our mind connects one thought with another and we go off on something else, seemingly unconnected but somehow it must be. So, anyway, I wonder sometimes if you miss things "happening" and how you deal with that. You probable have more control over your life right now than you have had in 2 years, but I think sometimes you are wistful, and lonely. It's probably not something I should dwell on, you never do, at least not in print.

Soon the boys will be away with their dad for Easter and I will have no excuse for not getting on with the decorating!!
I keep the cloth handy!! I hope you have a very good time, and get everything done you wish to.

After posing this had a phone call from H asking if I would agree to the boys traveling to London on their own by train for Easter to save him the journey back and forth in one day. I have said no- I don't think its fair on the eldest to ask him to be responsible for his brothers- he's 14, the 14 yr old and 12 old fight when bored ad the journey is at least 2 1/2 hours, and the youngest will I'm sure be scared! So now he's making me feel guilty that he will have to drive up to collect them and drive back again- even though he does it every Saturday anyway!!

I smiled when I read that part. My W and I often disagree over these types of things. When are they old enough to travel alone? When I was a boy, we had cousins 300 miles away and my mother would put me on the bus to go visit them for a month. Probably I was about 10 years old the first time. I had money, and when the bus would stop for meals, I would order what I wanted. I felt very grown up, and I was not afraid, but that was a long time ago, in what seemed a very different world. The older two could probably do well on their own, but I would worry about C.
Can't say what is best, and I think you had better do what you feel is right, but I did smile to read this part. Probably not so much that he is lazy, but I suspect he sees it differently. Men generally don't have a fear of something bad happening - because we are men, and we think differently. I think we had a discussion with LIR once about her getting a mobile phone and how she and her H saw it quite differently. If you remember it, perhaps you will smile also. BTW, just because he thinks differently, doesn't mean he is right.

He does do the drive every Saturday, but is probably looking for a rest from it. One of the big mysteries in your case ( for me) is how willing he has been willing to be a good father, and how unwilling he has been to be a husband. I could never reconcile in my mind how someone that would drive back and forth as he does to see the boys could abandon his wife. It still makes no sense to me at all.

The other reason I smiled was that I was going to suggest you send the boys to see us this summer and you get a week off from everything, and now I can see that it wouldn't do to tease you about that. You might think I was siding with T. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Be the best mother you can, do what you feel is right, and don't feel guilty. Life is too short.

SS

<small>[ April 11, 2003, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS. Hope all went well at the wedding.

We have and are going to let our eldest travel by train and coach on his own to places. It was the thought of him being responsible for the younger 2 which concerned me. however T has agreed to come up and collect them and bring them back on the Monday.

Had some sad news today which left me feeling down. A very good friend of mine who was a tower of strength when I first learned of the A , is dying of cancer and has only days or at most weeks to live. It was only by 'chance' I found out- a wrong message from A led me to phone her, rather than the person who I should have phoned. I praise God that I did find out and had opportunityto talk to her H and will now be able to write to her, hopefully before its too late. A firm reminder of the brevity of life and the need to make the most of what we have. I have since spent time walking and praying and feel rather lighter no.

You probable have more control over your life right now than you have had in 2 years, but I think sometimes you are wistful, and lonely.

Yes and Yes. Today was of those wistful lnely times. however i am content for the most part with my own comapny- when the boys are not around!!

Jante

Hello Jante,

We did have a nice wedding. I had feelings of unease right up until the ceremony started, but after that, I felt it was the right thing and I was happy.

I am sorry about your friend. We seldom know when it is our turn to go, so we just have to live the best we can. I never know just what to say when these things happen, but I care.

I wonder (again) how the boys do in the presence of OW. Does it bother them? I hope they don't slip into misbehivor when they return from visiting with Dad.

I admire your willingness to support T in his relationship with his sons, even when it is difficult for you.

Did you get the decorating done - or at lest as much of it as you thought you would?

SS

<small>[ April 14, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS- first of all gald to hear all went well with the wedding and that in the end you were at peace about it all.

I wonder (again) how the boys do in the presence of OW. Does it bother them? I hope they don't slip into misbehivor when they return from visiting with Dad.

As far as I can tell from what little is said about OW the boys accept her with out much though about the part she plays in their dads life. Their behaviour if anything is worse before they go- they take out their anger at being uprooted from their home, on me.When they ret=urn they are usually so glad to be back taht they behav- at least for a week!!
admire your willingness to support T in his relationship with his sons, even when it is difficult for you.

Ah but I don't so much look at it as supporting T as doing what is right and best for the boys even if they don't appreciate it now.
That said T is still their father and the man I loved for so long and I can't play dirty over the children.

Have a great easter w/e our weather at the momnent is glorious - morre like June than April.

jante

Greetings and salutations !
(sometimes I want to say something besides "HI")

Ah but I don't so much look at it as supporting T as doing what is right and best for the boys even if they don't appreciate it now.
That said T is still their father and the man I loved for so long and I can't play dirty over the children.
Just how did I know you would say something like that? You are correct, of course, but so many don't look at it that way. The more I'm around this thread, the more I believe my high opinion of you is correct.

Have a great Easter w/e our weather at the momnent is glorious - more like June than April.
With the two weddings in a months time, we are just going to stay home and rest this weekend. It's about time!!!

I hope your weekend is a nice one as well, and that the boys do all their work without you having to ask.. Further, I hope you continue to get enough supply teaching until you find permanent employment or start up the consulting company.

Here are a few name ideas:
J's Consulting
( pretty plain, that one.)

Parental Guidance LTD.

The Jante ( new married name) Company. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, by now you can see that I'm not very good at this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I had better do one more post and then get some work done.

SS

Hi

Names for company- funnily ehough I settled on jante Business services ( with the first name just as typed here, as it has become representative of the new person I am!) So far I have a few hours work on that side but hope more may come in.

Fighting a constant battle at the moment with A over his going with his dad this w/e - he has plain decided he won't go and is saying he'll disappear off to a friends house in the morning before his dad arrives. I have simply told him to discuss it with his dad. D on the other hand is resigned to going but has wanted to stay at friends houses last night and tonight and when I said about spending time with me, commented," its your fault I won't be here over the w/e" I decided to let him stay- he won't see them for a few days and hopefully will be in a better mood with me when he returns. C is moaning at going and had written in a school excercise that he didn't want to go camping. I showed it to T who said thats useful to know for future! Oh well no one ever said raising children was easy.

Enjoy a relaxing w/e

Jante

Hi J,

There is no real reason to tell you this, because you always seem to get the right results in the end, but I will anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We tend to put things on the calendar months in advance and talk about them almost weekly. By the time the date comes around the children have heard about it so much they just expect to go.

I don't worry much about you and the boys now, as I said, I have seen you make it work so many times that I just expect you will continue to do things the right way. It helps that you love the boys and they know it. There is a great deal of power in that love.

Send them over at the end of the school year, and we will wear them out for you dragging them around the western United States. After that, they would probably be glad for a visit with dad.

Perhaps I'll turn my monitor off over this weekend. It's hard to get the paint off after it dries.

SS

Hi SS

Well boys went off with dad quite happily to have fun time, camping, going to the beach, going stock car racing. I know I am happy that they are enjoyuing themselves, BUT it does hurt still that they get to do all these fun things without me! Ah well , will get over it in time.

Meanwhile I have spent the w/e alone, all my friends away or having visitors , but I wasn't lonely. I found things to do on my own- including finishing the painting and window dressing so now my kitchen is complete Hurray! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I also went to church today- where I am slowly finding my place again and being able to serve.

Hope you have had a great Easter w/e

Jante

Well J, it's a new week, and looks like a good one.

I know I am happy that they are enjoyuing themselves, BUT it does hurt still that they get to do all these fun things without me! Ah well , will get over it in time.

I know you'll do well, and I don't worry, or - I am not afraid for you. I just hate to see you hurt, wish it could be different.

With two weddings in a month, we have more space in our home now, we are moving the twins into a larger room and putting the computer in their old room. We have some painting to do also, it has been 10 years since we built the home and some of the rooms could use a little work. At least we don't need to change the kitchen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I suspect it was nice being alone in one way. Sometimes I wish everyone would leave and let me get some work done around the house. It is hard with constant interruptions.

I am glad you are working in the church, you have a great ability to help others.

SS

Hi SS- well painting finished for the time being so you are safe!!

Thanbks for he photos it was nice to see what your lovely family looked like.

Boys returned, and for the most part have been fine- though A has been very angry over minor things- but I suspect tiredness is at the root of it. They had enjoyed their time with Dad and OW camping and staying at her house. I felt a bit hurt that yet again he hadn't been wholly truthful over his plans but have 'got over' it now. Sun is shining here and life continues to trundle!!

Jante

What's C doing tonight?

Can I send the twins over to play until bedtime?

Oh, no, it is bedtime for C. That wouldn't work.

Sorry, sometimes, I don't think first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
SS

Hi SS- LOL
C is having a friend for a sleep over- which begs the question how much sleep will they get, especially as A decided to sleep in with them as well!! The twins would be welcome any time- I'd love to play mum to girls for a change- perhaps we could arrange a swap for the summer!!

Jante

Hi J,

I often wonder how you really are. Hope this is a good weekend for you. No reason to think you are any thing but in top form, but I wonder.

Did the boys ever get to sleep durning the sleepover? Sometimes I wonder why they call it "sleepover" when they stay up all night.

Stayed late at work finishing a project. Don't have to do it much, but sometimes I don't get everything done I am supposed to do.

To tired to crack jokes, it's 2:03 am by my clock. I think I'll try and get some sleep.

SS

Hi SS

it's 2:03 am by my clock. I think I'll try and get some sleep

wow and you tell me off for not sleeping!!

Yes the boys did eventually get some sleep- but not as much as a normal night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

D is off with his dad today for a BMX show, so i have taken the other 2 shopping for new pc game and shoes- had to insist that A got his school shoes before he got the game as he hates school shoes!! Now I'm snatching 5 minutes before they take over the pc for the afternoon to install and play their game. It was instead of a chocolate egg so better for their teeth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes i'm doing fine most days now and life is very peaceful. still only have dribs and drabs of work- but so far it hasn't become an issue financially. Now schools go back I should hopefully get enough teaching to provide for us for next few months.

Hope you have a great w/e

Jante