Where do these stupid feelings come from? I just called my wife to see if she pehaps wanted to eat lunch today. Oh, my friend called last night and I am going to lunch with her. Oh, OK. Well, have a good day and I'll see you this evening.

So here it is an hour later and I remember who her friend is. A very nice lady, but one that she has not been on contact with lately. At least not on a regular basis. I guess the last time we saw or talked to them was last November at our daughter's birthday.

So now my mind is full of wild ideas as this friends husband is an attorney. Which of course has blown this day to dodo and back. Not to mention my emotional state.

So here I sit, self-esteem at lower than zero, wondering why I feel this way? Wondering if I will ever got over these feelings of emptiness, of lost hope and of no future.

Trusting her,
Hello i don't know your story but can understand the feeling issue. Going through the same feelings here. All i really know to say is yes things will get better in time, i know that is probably hard to belive but they will. The reason i say this is b/c in my first marrige i diden't think i would ever be the same but as i said times heals. I a'm sorry i a'm not much help to u as i said don't know your story, but saw u had no replies and wanted to respond. Hang in there u have people that care here.

trusting her - I've read some of your other posts, but not all. I apologize if this will be plowing old ground.

Who knows about the affair? OM's W? Church members? Clergyman? Extended family?

Until this thing has seen the light of day, it will not end.

While she is in her lust with the OM, you are the one being betrayed daily. Unthoughtfulness, is a peak of pressure to you, and your family.

Have you seen a IC, or a clergyman? Talking to someone you trust is important. To hold this in, and not let anyone help you, or have someone to vent to, you will eventually explode. My Wayward spouse didn't want me telling anyone. I was going crazy, and finally said I had to talk to a good friend. This was manipulation on his part. And I finally decided that what he did, was what he did. I neeeded to talk, and I finally did. This person still doesn't know everything, cause some things are not that relevant.

You are facing the firing squad. She is going to continue defacing you, and blasting you whenever she feels like it. She is in a full lust, this other person is filling her lust, and an affair is only (LUST). Cause there was not the truth coming out. The affair is all secrets, lies, deceit, betrayal, hurt to the spouse and family. An affair is all LUST, and if you were to see how many marriages work after an affair, is pretty much '0'.

You are hurting, it does get better. But you need counseling, and so does she. The WS is stubborn, cause they think they have found their soulmate, but they don't realize the soulmate they think they found is coniving and a liar, just as they are. It could get worse, but in time it will get better.

Don't let your spouse control you. The wayward spouse is good at this. This is part of the betrayal. With all the books I have been reading, this is the normal protocal. What you need to do is turn things back at them. In an indirect way. I am learning, and it seems unnatural for me, but it is called survival. Throw back, what they throw at you. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>trusting her - I've read some of your other posts, but not all. I apologize if this will be plowing old ground.

Who knows about the affair? OM's W? Church members? Clergyman? Extended family?

Until this thing has seen the light of day, it will not end.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who knows about the affair? What affair? He's just a very close friend per her. Sees no need to stop the fiendship.

But who knows. Me, my dad, her IC, the OM, and 2 people at church. But I get the impression from our Pastor that he feels that my wife has to make a decision on trusting me before she can make a decision about the OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Sounds a little backward to me.

Her IC was told the same conversation that I overheard and even stated that I had cause to be concerned but my wife insist that the OM has never been mentioned again, well, once he was when her IC asked how he was, thinking that the OM was her boss.

No joint MC yet as the wife feels that she is not ready for it yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So in the meantime I drown in sorrow.

Faith4me--

I was with an IC until he retired in December. I am lookig for another but he told me that we really needed joint MC and he thought IC for me was going to be a waste of money.

I really try to see it from her viewpoint but it keeps getting clouded. OM entered hospital the day after I confronted him. So basically there was no contact for 3 months. Maybe becuase of the Holidays my wife tried extra hard to meet some of my needs just to make them pleasent. But......she also called the OM on Christmas Eve, again on the day after New Years, and started seeing him again on Tuesday evenings at their quartet practice.

My needs, the little bits of affection and decent conversation all disappeared soon after this contact. Could be him, could be me expressing my fear of continued contact. Whatever it is, it sure all disappeared.

I know she is at the minium, severely depressed but currently is not on any AD's. My IC said earlier that I did not need any as I was handeling things well then. But..that was when it appeared that things were at least headed in the right direction. Now....well, I might need some myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you need to do is turn things back at them. In an indirect way. I am learning, and it seems unnatural for me, but it is called survival. Throw back, what they throw at you. Good luck.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Turn things back! I wish I knew how. An indirect way. Please.....give me some ideas. Help me to throw back what she throws at me.

I did mention to her that other night that I had nothing to lose so I might as well talk to her parents. This was said in a very pleasent and non critical tone. Her reply:

"There you go acting just like a kid. You've been trying so hard for 6 months now and I won't play your way so you go and tell Mommy."

OK, you have GOT to "out" the affair. Period. If you won't, there's not much more we can help you with.

Talk to the church Minister/Pastor. Get him to spill the beans with OM's wife. If he won't, YOU do it.

OF COURSE she denies an affair!! She HAS to! Otherwise, she'd be wrong!

Tell, tell, tell.

Read the links within the link in my sig line for more guidance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>OK, you have GOT to "out" the affair. Period. If you won't, there's not much more we can help you with.

Talk to the church Minister/Pastor. Get him to spill the beans with OM's wife. If he won't, YOU do it.

OF COURSE she denies an affair!! She HAS to! Otherwise, she'd be wrong!

Tell, tell, tell.

Read the links within the link in my sig line for more guidance.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You made me laugh today. That's good. I tried to call the pastor just a while a go but to no avail. Out of the office.

But....I wonder if I have the strenght or courage to do it. Follow through with the OM's wife if the pastor will not.

Read the link in my sig line link titled, "On informing OP's spouse of the affair." I'll predict you'll conclude that you have an obligation to tell OM's wife. It would be better for the Pastor to do it, so maybe print out that link and take it to him to read.

WAT