My WH moved in with OW on New Year's Eve and I received this letter 1/29/03. This is the first contact we have had in that time. I am asking the kind and knowledgeable people on this site for some advice about what I should do next. I have excerpted the meat of the letter.

Dear W - I am so sorry and embarrassed for all the pain and hardship that I've caused you - I think of you being all alone nights in this cold and it is just not what I ever in my wildest dreams intended for us, you, or our family. I've managed to ignore the reality of it all through distraction and self-absorption. I miss you - and our lives together. As bad as it may have been at times it doesn't compare to this drama. I haven't called because I don't have the strength to hear your voice or see you. I've made such a mess, and I am not sure where to turn at this point. I see you every day in my mind, and I wish that we could love each other and put away the differences. You've been such a good friend to me for all of these years and I realize that I would not have had such a fulfilling life up to this point had it not been for you.

I may have hurt you carelessly many times but the fact is I always come to realize what a special person you are and I do love you for all that you are. I am so sorry for the disrespect and malicious pain. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, if I could I never would have gone down this road.

I am planning on going back to work 2/3/03 and the most tricky part of it is I want to live alone for awhile so the timing of going back to work and having to deal with OW is the same stress that existed long ago, but what has to be has to be. I am thinking of moving back to my mother's until I find a place. I think that if I live alone for a period of time it will help me to get a clear perspective of my options. I hope that through some serious soul-searching and NO direct influences I might come to the solid conclusions that need to be reached. I am thinking that this will make it easier to communicate with you and my family - I haven't spoken to s, grandmother or W for a month and I can't continue this isolation.

(Goes on to describe financial set-up if he gets own apartment, reasonable).

I am not anxious to proceed with a divorce right now I just want some time to be alone and figure out my future. Please respond, maybe send a note to my mother's. I'll wait to hear from you. Love always, H

OK, some background. Me BS 47, H-48, married 24 yrs. 2 kids, s24, d22. OW is widow/co-worker, 44. H and she have been friends for 3 years, H "has feelings" 1 year, mutual EA 5/02, PA 9/02. DDay 8/02. I tried Plan A from DDay until 10/9/02, H was going back and forth between me and OW and I told him to leave, he moved in with his mother. H has been on disability since 11/02, at first to stay away from OW, then ?? H says he wants to reconcile, promises NC mid Nov., but has contact with OW within a week. I try verbal Plan B. H again says he wants to reconcile early Dec., promises NC, comes home 12/10/02. H is miserable, I'm sure he had contact, moves in with OW 12/31/02.

This letter has caused me, for the first time in this horror, to doubt whether we can save our M, more for what it doesn't say than for what it does. It doesn't say he's through with OW, which I had hoped he would be after living with her for a month. It doesn't say he wants to reconcile. He only hints at understanding the pain he has caused me and his kids. It's still all about him and his decisions, not once does he ask me what I want. He wants what he wants, right down to wanting communication so he isn't 'isolated'. A mutual friend talked to H at OW's house the day after he wrote this, he says he's happy at her house, and when asked about getting his own apartment, H said, "Oh I don't know about that". He has also written me another letter late October, similar, then he was back in contact with OW within a week.

So, wise ones, what does this sound like to you? What should I do? Thanks for your input!

LabLady

lablady, I think I see a lot in that letter he sent you. He says he wants to live alone for a while and that he will have stress dealing with going back to job and dealing OW at same time.
I take this to mean he is going to break with her too.
He ask you to send a note to his Mothers. He wants contact. He sounds like he's waiting to see what you havea to say or want.
Perhaps you should send a letter to him, stating you also want the marriage to work out and not divorce. You have a great deal of history together. And he admits he made a terrible mess and would like to go back to before. Change it if he could.
I gather he thinks it is too late to save it, or that you will not try again. He is definitely asking this between the lines.
My thinking is this is what I would tell him.
That you do love him, and would like to return to being the loving couple and family you once were. But make it clear, he has to be sincere and repentant and have this OW out of his life for good.
That no way do you want to endure pain again, for you aren't over the initial pain yet.
Ask if he thinks later he would like to try to counsel and save marriage?
Don't grovel! Just be frank and honest with your feelings.
I would avoid love busting at all cost. No arguing or extensive conversation about OW. Or blame casting. Just make it clear how it must be for you to allow him back.
I think he's truly trying to come back but is afraid you will not have him.
Is he a chronic liar? Don't jump back into working on the marriage until you have rock solid proof he is done with OW!
God bless, LouLou

LadyLou - I wish I could feel as hopeful as you do! I've heard this stuff from him before, then it's back to OW. He checks his options, then goes back to the fence about making a final decision. I'm not sure I'd call him a chronic liar, but he has lied throughout this A, and not only to me but his kids. That's why s will not talk to his father. H wants sympathy, which he got at his mother's during the day throughout January, while OW was at work. He would cry and tell his mother how much he missed his family, but then why didn't he just leave OW? BTW, I love MIL and talk to her several times/week, she is devastated by this. And why did he tell mutual friend he was happy living with OW and wasn't really looking for an apartment? Do you think getting his own apartment is a step toward "proof" that he is breaking it off with her? I got the impression that she didn't want him to move out. What would be rock solid proof that the OW is gone?

If I write a letter it will be difficult for me to refrain from LBing, he had his A's in the past and knows what h**ll they cause, yet he did it again anyway. I'm doing my own soul-searching about whether I can respect this man again. He'd have to do some IC to help him get over some personal problems left over from his youth, and he won't even admit he has these! We went to MC once in Dec, he wasn't ready and it was a disaster, but I am convinced that we cannot reconcile w/o some counseling. I want to be honest with him, I of all people know the pain dishonesty can cause. I was very upset when I got the letter, and spent the weekend thinking the M was over, but today I'm not so sure. Your reply moves me even more toward wanting to try again. I just don't want to have my hopes dashed again!! I've taken him back, with promises of NC, 8 times already!! I'm truly at the end of my rope. Well, thanks for your input, maybe I should take some more time to sort it all out.
LabLady

Lablady, 8 times? Good grief my dear. That is a plate full of pain.
I agree he would have to agree to counseling before even trying to move back in home with you.
It sounds like he has multiple issues that are a big problem besides A's. Or the reason he involves himself in them. Like self medicating?
You have an iron will to have stayed this long. But with children, it's hard to break a family apart. However, he's not there with family now.
I just think he sounded like he was sorry,but then I do not know him like you do. And if he's sang this song many times,you're at the point you cant' trust him at all.
Indeed, no reconciliaton without much counseling on his part. He has some really deep issues that need working on besides the unfaithfulness.
I pray you can make the right decision.
God bless, LouLou

IF...a mighty big "if" in my opinion, he actually does move out and get a place of his own...then good for him! But don't you dare put your life on hold waiting for him to make a decision!

Until he's on his own, in counseling for awhile and then can really PROVE that he wants another chance of making a real marriage with you and only you...I wouldn't let him in the door. And then you should have a real plan of recovery before opening that door.

I also wouldn't answer his letter! Reason...he expects an answer, he's wanting to know where your head is...let him wonder for a change. He's wanting to know if that safety net of 24 years is still going to catch him if he should choose to come home.

This is YOUR life and you are the one who has to live it, so of course, the decisions are yours. This is JMHO

LadyLou - I may have misled you. I have taken my H back 8 times in this current A, he has had 2 other A's in the distant past. This A he would spend the night at Ow house, then call me the next day wanting to know if he could come home. After 3 or 4 times I insisted that he have NC, but he didn't stop. That's when I told him he had to move out and he went to his mother's. The fence sitting that he has done since July has baffled me. I know he's in the fog and I was actually hoping that living with OW would make him realize that she isn't worth giving up his family for, but that's not what he said in his letter. Maybe you're right, though, and he is trying to leave her. I'm just so afraid of another false recovery. I can imagine him wanting to keep his options open indefinitely! No, he doesn't self-medicate, not with drugs or alcohol. He was sexually abused by an uncle as a child, and his father ignored him in favor of his older brother. He has control issues, and needs a lot of attention, more attention than I have been willing to give him. My IC says that he is narcissistic and underdeveloped emotionally. I would work with him on our M if I could be sure he was done with OW. I've been living by myself for most of the past 3 months, and there is a loneliness, yes, but a sense of peace, also, without his obvious hating to be home, wanting to be with her. I know from reading here that some BS are able to stay strong for much longer than I have, but I'm not sure I can take much more!

Thanks again for your input.
LabLady

I think with that kind of history you are right to mistrust this letter. After knowing you this long, what does he need to figure out. It's like quitting cigarettes- you just do it.

Maybe you should just send back a short note saying "Actions speak louder than words".

Thanks for all your replies. I want to have hope, I really do. I mean, that's what this site is mostly about, right? And thank you LadyLou for helping me to remember that. I guess that I feel I've tried leaving the door open for him and, as long as he knows it's open, he goes back to doing what he wants. I'm not getting the results I want so maybe I have to change my behavior. It sounds like that's what Wifey and Espoir are suggesting, a 'get tough' attitude. I was afraid to do that at the beginning because he feels I've been controlling the R forever, so I let things go more like he wanted them (Wrong, I know).

I've already decided that I don't have to respond to his letter immediately - after all, it took him a month to contact ME! I want to see if he really does get an apartment. I know that isolation from his family is killing him, so I'd like to keep that up, too, so he'll know what permanent isolation would be like. Isn't that what Plan B is for? I haven't actually written a Plan B letter but he knows that NC is essential if he wants to come back.

Thanks again for all your help! I'm going to sleep on this.
LabLady

Please purchase the book Steve Harley's Book
Surviving The Affair. What you describe far as you H behavior, when he moved back home with you. The withdraw like an addiction this book could really help set some boundaries and explan your H behavior. Also get counseling from the Harley's here they do phone consultation see if your H will agree if not do this yourself.

Purchase the book get counseling from the Harley's. Read the basic principals here on site
and most of all pray and vent here not to H
meaning get angry here scream here not at him. It will only make the situation worse please don't beg plead or cry to him.

This will not make you look attractive to him act as if you've moved on in the mean while read the book and geT counsel here.

I think you should do a plan B letter. I believe you should go at it as espoir suggests. Tell him it is too painful to contact him after all that has happened. Tell him what he needs to do if he wants to see you again. And tell him you won't communicate with him unless his actions demonstrate he wants to reconcile.

Sounds like he is good with words.

You sound like you are going to make it, but I hope you have good days often, and are not down all the time right now. I hope for a good future for you.

SS

Thanks again for your suggestions. I'm still not certain what to do but at least I've had a better day. I opened my own checking account today, an old friend who workds there asked me how everyhthing was going, and I told her that H left me. I said this not with a lot of emotion, just the fact, told her that's why I was opening an account. A small victory for sure, but I'll take it. Talked to MIL today, she said H told her he put a deposit on an apartment but it won't be available til later in the month. She has no idea why H told mutual friend he was happy at OW's and that he wasn't looking for an apartment. He's obviously lying to somebody!

MALC- Do you know if the Harley book is available at Border's/Barnes and Nobles, or just through this website? So far I have read just about all the general stuff on this site, and then the discussion forum, but the book sounds like a good idea. The counseling fee with the Harley's is a little steep, but I'll consider it. Thanks.

Still Seeking -I think the Plan B letter is my best shot. I've written one but need to revise it to reflect my latest feelings. I think the biggest thing is that I am getting slowly, painfully closer to the realization that the M might not be saved, and I need to get on with my life right now, not by Dv, which I still don't want, but by doing whatever I can do for myself. I will post the Plan B letter here before I send it, maybe you guys will critique it for me.

Thanks!
LabLady