MY husband still refuses to see that contact with the OW can be damaging even if it is only to my heart and mind. He is so set in this that even 100 posts telling him that he should end contact won't change his mind. This morning before he went to work I said "when you had the affair you placed yourself above everything. You were the most important person in it or it wouldn't have happened. Why can't you place my needs above yours to make our marriage work?" He didn't say anything, but went on to small talk until he left for work.<BR>I really don't know where this leaves us. Should I tell him to stop or it's over? <BR>Should I tell him to go away and not come back until it's over?<BR>The bottom line is I want my marriage to work but a marriage that involes the person your spouse has an affair with is not complete.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

I really feel for you. It's like talking to a brick wall, isn't it? I've gone through a minor version of this myself, but I'm not really qualified to give advice on it because I handled it very, very badly with ultimatums, yelling and screaming. It worked, but at what price? Resentment abounded.<P>Just the other day one of his OWs mailed him again, and I could tell he wanted contact. We came up with the solution that there would BE no contact, so I suppose in that respect my H is ahead of the game.<P>I really don't know what to suggest other than telling him that no contact is the only way to resolve it, and try to put it in a light that makes it look beneficial to him too -- i.e. it will be easier for him to heal as well. Keep trying, and don't give up hope. You're in a terrible position here but if you do your best and Plan A your butt off, it just might work.

Hi Nikki,<P>Hate to tell you this, but, your remarks would definately be considered love busting. I'm sure you felt better after you said it, but, your loosing ground. WE have to walk on egg shells. If we all posted to tell him what he is doing is wrong, it wouldn't matter. He must see it himself. You/we can't MAKE that happen. <P>He is most certainly aware of what he did, is doing. Denial is a big part of the problem. He is in selfish mode. Sit down, hold on, put on your seat belt. It's a hell of a ride.<P>My W has a "friend" who she has been seeing the last 2.5 years. She tries to convince herself he is only a friend. If he was only a friend why did they have to sneak around behind my back? She told me she tried to break it off with him a few times. I don't believe you break up with just a friend. She is still in denial but she is slowly seeing the light of day. Since discovery she has experience great stress and stomach problems, including an ulcer. She knows what the score is, just doesn't want to admit her wrongdoing.<P>If he is still in the home, I would suggest Plan A big time. DO NOT BRING UP THE AFFAIR. It only hurts you and him. There will be time to discuss that later when some healing takes place. I know you probably want to know all or most of the details, I did.<P>When I found out about the affair, I threw her out of the house. Looking back, very bad move. Emotions took over. She tells me to this day "You shouldn't have asked me to leave" Not sure if that's true or if she is trying to put some guilt on my plate.<P>Don't do anything rash. Take a few days to step back and look at your problems. Big question. What result are you looking for? With that in mind choose your course carefully.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Hi Untallnikba -<P>First I want to Welcome You also!! I am so sorry for what you both are going through. I am very glad that you have come here though!!! <P>I think you should let him think on what he has read for awhile.....<P>It is a very painful and difficult battle when the realities of what he's done face off with the illusions created for himself.<P>Take this time to read all you can on Dr Harley's site...learn the stages within the infidelity process. This will help you to understand what he feels, what you feel, what must happen to begin rebuilding and how you can both help each other with it.<P>The strength that you will gather by just having an inkling into what and why this happens will give you the wearwithall to get through it!!<P>We are all here for you and your H. Try not to Lovebust....When talking with him just don't make anything sound like you are telling him what to do - Present the facts in a loving way and that takes away any justifications for him to be so defensive. <P>Hugs, Stregth and Prayers,<P>Sheba

untallnikba -- I've been following you and your H's posts for the last day. I just want you to know that you are not the only one with this problem.<P>W carried on her emotional affair for more than a year. It went physical one time and she told me about it two days later. During our initial conversations post-confession, she made it clear that she would <B>not</B> give up OM's friendship. Problem is that he really is the only close friend she has.<P>This has meant that the subject of her friendship with him is non-negotiable. She has, in fact, behaved herself since confession, and, except for the four months we were separated only has contact with him at work. Through the whole time post-confession, even the non-work contacts were only phone calls.<P>I can't tell you that I am comfortable or happy with this. I only know that giving her an ultimatum on this will only result in the immediate termination of the marriage. She knows that this situation causes me pain and distress, but she doesn't see it the same way.<P>I have told her that I can accept continued friendship as long as it is in the open and that she puts me and/or the marriage first. I have no choice in this, I either accept the friendship or go to immediate divorce court.<P>Everything I have read and everything I've heard says that in all cases the OP has to <B>GO!</B> I think that this could be a generalization and that there have to be cases where the marriage can survive continued contact. It depends on whether or not both spouses can make the necessary adjustments. I only hope that the two of us can, but I don't yet accept this as fact.<P>I believe that the failure of the spouse to do this shows either complete blank ignorance or a deliberate decision to ignore the other's needs. In W's case I think the first reason(ignorance) applies. She thinks she can control the friendship and keep it from going out of bounds again. I have to admit that this is at least possible, but again, I must take the risk if I want to stay married.<P>My opinion is that your H should respect your wishes. He needs to show you that you are number one. Once trust and loving kindness are re-established, the two of you can readdress the issue of his "friendships" and maybe come to some kind of compromise. I hope he wakes up to your needs.....

I know that he has to see it for himself, I just wish he would. It tears me up inside and sometimes I hope I'll just wake up and it will all be a horrible dream. <BR>It is so hard to not talk about it at all because every bit of me wants to know that it is finally over.<BR>Iwant the hurt to end.<BR>I want the love to start. I have been loving but I am also afraid that it will show accettance for the way things are.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

I just figured out you were both here.<P>Your H is wrong. You are right. That point doesn't really make a difference in reality at this point, it is just nice to know your thinking is not flawed...his is.<P>In his defense, he is guilty of what my H does. If he thinks he is right about something and I am wrong, he will not just do something just for me, especially when it involves someone else. It has more of his inability to empathize rather a reflections on his feelings for me. This is a thin line, but important for you to at least consider, so you do not misinterpret his actions in the context of his own mind.<P>You see if he doesn't do what you ask, it is a reflection of his love or commitment. He doesn't see it this way. <P>He is wrong to keep contact and he is wrong not to consider your feelings and abide by them whether he thinks you are wrong or not. But I do think he is seperating these issues in his own mind.<P>My H kept contact with his OW for about 8 weeks after he broke it off, which was he was doing as I discovered it. I still do not get this. We together read Surviving an affair and I thought we were on the same page. I believe he was sincere about wanting his marraige. Although I will never know why he kept phone contact (I'm not sure he does) I think it boiled down to this.<P>He knew he wanted his marriage and felt strong enough that he thought this contact would affect it. (Actually he was. I discovered the paper trail of the phone contact after it was over and we were making progress during that time. Still no excuse)<P>He felt guilty because she had pursued and now was "in love" and broken up about it. (gag)<P>He was afraid she was crazy enough to embarrass him or me somehow and he wanted to keep enough contact to keep track of her.<P>He finally stopped phone contact on his own. I don't believe anything I could have done, had I known, would have worked. <P>Hope any of this helps.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks I guess I really know that it is a waiting game. The problem is how long do you wait? How long do you hurt? <P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

10 months post recovery. Marriage stable and in many ways better communication.<P>Pain, still intense, but not engulfing.<P>No sugar coating....there is no easy way out of the pain, but you can learn and grow.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13