First a little background, I encouraged my H to find a female friend to help him understand the way women think (I now realize that this was a VERY bad idea). I thought the woman he chose was sweet and she was a co-worker of his (we went out to dinner and a movie with her, her husband, and her daughter). OW started having marital problems and finally ended up divorcing her husband. I don't know when their EA started (She left workplace in Fall of '02). They continued the EA in emails which I found on 1/14/03 after snooping in a suspicious email account.

Shortly after I found them I emailed the OW saying "How dare you! How dare he!" I made it very clear that I was not only blaming her for the A but he was also at fault. I was upset but I somehow kept my cool. She never wrote me back. I emailed her a second time, unable to control myself, this one was full of personal attacks. She emailed my letter to my H. My H wrote her back (also sent me a copy), told her that I would like an apology from her, and told her that it was over. She FINALLY emailed me back (which she also sent to my H) and said, "You're playing the role of a "Wronged Housewife", Grow up, and get over it!" Her email suggests that I have something to 'get over' and in my eyes proves that she knows this wasn't just 'innocent flirting' She also said, "As I have told your H many times in the past, you both should seek the guidance of a marriage counselor." At the end of the email she told me to never contact her again or she would take proper action.

After speaking to my H about this he said, "She never told me anything about going to a MC." At the very least, I feel that my husband should have emailed her and set the record straight. I still want an apology from her. Should I email her again and try to explain myself a little better? Should my H email her and set things straight? Why do I feel so strongly about wanting her to apologize to me? Why didn't my husband stand up to her for me (I feel that this is one of my EN)? And why is he still hesitant to email her and 'tell her off'? I will appreciate any input on this.

Hi Brinnah,

Welcome to MB!

I wouldn't waste any time on the OW... use your energies to focus on your M.

Think about it, if you "demand" and appology, and get one, will your opinion of the OW change?...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Brinnah - you are normal in wanting an apology from her, but this is not about her. It is about you and your husband. Your husband owes you a MUCH bigger apology - but do not demand it. If you and he do the right things, he will offer it without you asking - over and over again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Brinnah:
<strong>Should I email her again and try to explain myself a little better? Should my H email her and set things straight?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No and no.

The very best thing to happen between her and either you or your husband is nothing - right after he sends her a no contact letter. Then, avoid her like the plague.

I recommend you read everything you can on this site about infidelity and get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. Getting OW out of the picture is just the first step. You have a lot of work to do, but if the affair is really over, you are WAY ahead of the game.

NO...leave her alone...stop the drama. She is nothing and no one to you both. She doesnt need to understand you. The only important people are you and your spouse. Do not buy into her holier than thou routine. She is not worth a moment more of your time and it will only take away valuable time from your recovery. It is natural to want to vent and hear contrition. Do not give her the satisfaction of engagement.

trust me I know of what I speak.

ayslyne

Hello. I am the FWS in this EA. I feel it necessary to attempt to clarify the needs she is expressing.

She feels that I didn't stand up for her when she was told she was 'playing the wronged housewife'. This is the major point of contention. She felt that the response we received from the NC letter (which did state that my W would like an apology) REQUIRED a response from me to 'set the record straight'.

I feel that any further response breaks the NC intent and leads to a possible spiral of name-calling.

She feels that she can't trust me to 'stick up for her' when she needs it and thinks that because I didn't respond angrily to the name-calling that I was 'agreeing' with the OW's opinion that we did nothing wrong.

I am torn as to whether to send the response she is requesting or not. I would love more opinions on this. I would especially like a woman's point of view.

Please.

Hey, getting a woman's point of view is what got you into this mess in the first place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yeah, we BSs all want an apology. I got several from our exOW and to some extent they did help. We (against Harley's advice) have visitation with the child born of my H's affair which means some level of ongoing contact with exOW. I felt like the apology made it easier to establish some sort of working relationship with this woman.

In your case, you are able to entirely remove this woman from your life and your marriage. Run! Run! Run! Don't engage in ANY further contact. The little consolation an apology will bring is nothing to the heartache you will both suffer if this woman becomes an active player in your marriage again.

MJ

Well, Warfarin, I ain't a woman, but I guarantee what they're gonna say: NO CONTACT!!!

Brinnah - forget about this issue. Forget about OW. You are dern lucky to have your WS posting here. The vast majority of BSs on this forum would KILL to have what you have.

Your H made a mistake putting the apology demand in the no contact letter. To be honest, OW owes you no apology - she didn't betray you. She made no promises to you, no vows, right?

You two have a real good chance to have a much improved marriage, but not until you put this issue behind you.

Good luck,
WAT

Brinnah & Wayfarin,
It isn't at all unusual for the OP to resonpnd angrily to the no contact letter. The proper response is no contact, no reply.

Brinnah--the OW is not your friend, she doesn't give a hoot about you, there is no reason for you to court her goodwill. If you place your well-being on whether or not you receive an apology from her, then you have given her control over you that she does not deserve.

The OW is re-writing her own history so she isn't a lousy person and she didn't do anything wrong, that's her story, it is aggravating, but let her live with it. YOU know it is a lie.

No more contact from either of you to her.

Brinnah, her opinion of you or her role in the affair is meaningless, just consider the SOURCE. Remember, this is a person who had an affair with your H and has no remorse. How could you esteem anything that came out of such person? Her words were hurtful because she is angry she lost out. She was used and tossed aside for you and probably resents it. Please see it for what it is and move on. You have a remorseful H who is committed to recovering his marriage with you. Living right is the best revenge!

Brinnah,

I am a FOW and I can tell you that if the woman had any feelings towards how this would affect you she would not have had any affair with your H in the first place. Oh there are varying circumstances that put people together, but each person is responsible for how he/she responds. It has taken me a while to come to grips with that reality. While I was deeply involved with my OM, I never gave two thoughts to his wife. Why would I? She meant nothing to me and obviously didn't mean too much to him at that time. It wasn't until I was ready to send and did send a NC letter that I began to see things from her point of view. I had found this site and read. I have many posts on here I go back and now see how my whole point of view has changed.

Please work with your H thru this. Listen to his reasoning. It could be that if he has contact with her again in this one instant that more contact would be easier and before you know it, he is sucked into the whole situation again.
It is very very hard to break away from the OP when there is any contact.

I would love to apologize to the wife of the OM that I was involved with, but I know how much that would hurt her and would bring me into contact with him again. It has been almost two full years of no contact for me and I don't want to do anything that would change that. I am moving forward with my marriage. The OM and his wife are back together and I hope building a stronger marriage.

My prayers are for your healing. I'm sorry for all the pain this has caused you.

Debbie

Brinnah, I think you've gotten good advice. But I would add one thing.
If, in future, your WH should accidently see this OW and she says anything, he should stand firm on defending you! And agree he will put her in her place! This is the very least he can promise!
And I don't mean contact intentionally. Sometime he may just be out shopping or in a restaurant, anywhere in public she might be. And if she says anything at all, he should shoot her down holding you as the one he loves and respects. That is exactly what I would expect from my FWS.
Not much chance of us ever seeing her as she lives in another state and her H made her write a NC letter.
So I didn't even get that benefit of seeing him do the NC letter.
If we ever run across her anywhere in this country or out of it, he better cut her with ice!
LouLou

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I will leave her alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I knew in the back of my mind that I should but my heart was telling me that I was letting her win. I know it sounds silly.

LouLou, Thank you for posting. I always love your replies! My FWH works in the next town over from where we live. It's a small university town and the chances of seeing her are pretty high. I have been avoiding shopping there the last few weeks because I'm afraid if I saw her I would beat her to a pulp. I hope that my H will heed your advice and 'stick up for me' if we do happen to run into her.

Thank you all again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Brinnah:
In time your feelings of wanting to "beat her to a pulp" will subside to just wanting to bash her with your shopping cart!

Don't let her keep you from going to the places you want to go. Easier said than done, I know.

I saw the FOW in Wal-Mart 2 weeks before I knew she was the OW. (Make sense). So after I found out, I worried every time I had to go to Wal-Mart. Some very wonderful people on this site gave me some good advice.

Just ignore her like she doesn't exist. Look past her. Walk past her. Don't even flinch. She's a fly on the wall - don't give her the time of day.

While you are doing, this think to yourself(I saw this earlier this morning and love it):

It's not very complimentary to be chosen as an affair partner.

Think about it,
Good luck with healing your M.

Oh, and WAT's right (of course), lots of us would kill to have a FWS post on here. You are very lucky - now take advantage of it.
DB

dazedblonde,

Wow! Wonderful advice! It's nice to know that this feeling will fade. I was afraid it would land me in jail. *lol* I wish you the best of luck with your M. I'm so glad I found MB. You all are a really nice bunch of people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

B.

I agree with DB, Brinnah. Go wherever you want and do not let OW stop you.
She will be the one probably trying to avoid you if your H has let her know he's no longer interested.
Just make sure he knows what you expect of him should you and him, or him alone, come face to face with her.
None of this saying didn't want to hurt her feelings. Yours come first!
BTW, I have got a good comeback for the flirting I used to endure also from FWH.
I told him if he continued to flirt with every waitress, clerk or whomever in front of me what I'd do. I've done it once too. NO more problems.
Last time it happened, I simply looked at the girl who had a weird look on her face, and said,
"Don't worry honey, flirting is all he is capable of now at his age". LOL
Of course it's not totally true, but hey, at 63, I figured he would die of embarrassment and he could get a taste of his own medicine.
NO reason it wouldn't work on younger men either. Because stastics say many young men suffer impotence. So they wouldn't want you even thinking of giving that suggestion about them.
I decided to give as good as I get! After years of humilation and embarrassment, feeling put down in front of others, I decided to get my back bone straight! It worked!
LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Brinnah:
<strong>I will leave her alone. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> OW is trash, and should be treated as a nobody...after all, that's what she is!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You're also lucky to have a spouse who comes to this site, and is sorry for what he's done. Concentrate on the two of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />