Dear W,
You are truly the love of my life. I thank God everyday for bringing you to me. I am so very sorry about what's happened to our marriage. I know I was equally responsible for the problems we've had that set up the conditions for your affair with OM to happen. The admiration that I truly have for you was never shown in the proper way. Your need for closeness and affection was ignored too much because I was too busy concentrating on the things that I thought were important. I stayed in a job that was clearly not providing what we needed for far too long, without doing the things I needed to fix the problem. I have been working hard to change these things about myself and become the kind of man you could be happy and proud to call your husband.
My dream is to build the kind of relationship that would make us both very happy. I have learned what it takes to have a happy and beautiful marriage. It is very exciting to me and a gift I would like to share with you.
You are my wife, my best friend and my lover. I want you to be able to feel this way towards me again. Unfortunately I know that we can't do this as long as your relationship with OM continues. It will have to end completely and forever before we could ever do these things together.
I have to end all contact with you until your affair with OM ends. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I need to do it. It hurts too much to spend time or to talk with you and then to think about you being with someone else. I am doing this to save the love I have for you. It is the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't ever want to lose it. It's also holding me back from becoming the man I need to be.
I won't be able to help you out financially anymore. I will pay all the debts from our marriage up to this point. I will also pay all the expenses for our kids so you won't have to worry about any of that . That's the best I can do.
When you have ended this affair I would love to talk about getting back together. Please don't call or try to contact me until you are willing to separate from OM for good.
Friend has agreed to be the go between for us about anything we need to work out. If you have any questions or concerns about anything just tell her and she will let me know. I've given her some details about most of the things I think we need to work out.
I want more than anything to have a happy life with you. I know we can do it if we are both willing to work together to make it happen. I am going to wait for this chance. Don't ever forget how much I love you. I will miss you very much. Goodbye for now Sweetheart. Your adoring husband, starman

<small>[ February 07, 2003, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

by the way I was going to post this on the plan A/B board also. Is there a way to put it there without having to retype the whole thing?

i cant talk long-so this will be quick-take out the part in the first paragraph about making the affair happen. you didnt make the affair happen, she chose that. change it to being equally responsible for the state of your marriage.

be back later, hopefully with more time.

One more thing. Thanks to everyone for the sample letters, they were a huge help!

It's pretty good.

It's kind of vague as to why you are doing this and what you want to accomplish. You need to be VERY SPECIFIC and insure there is NO DOUBT about what you are doing (no contact because the affair hurts you) or why (you still love her and want the marriage but the affair needs to end.)

You don't want to have to explain anything to her. It should all be explained in the letter.

Change you middle few paragraphs to something like;

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I must end all contact with you until you end your affair with Brian. It hurts me so deeply to spend time or to talk with you and then to think about you being with someone else. I am doing this to save the love I have for you. Our marriage is the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't ever want to lose it.

Also I won't be able to help you out financially anymore. I will pay all the debts we have built up to this point. I will also pay all the expenses for the kids so you won't have to worry about any of that. That's the best I can do.

When you have decided to end your affair, then we can get together to talk about reconciliation. Please do not call or email or contact me until you are willing to end your affair and separate from him for good.

Friend has agreed to be a "go-between" for any issues we may need to discuss, mainly the children or our reconciliation. I've given her some details about most of the issues we need to work out.

Also, I would be a bit more specific about, "I will also pay all the expenses for the kids."

What expenses? Just whatever she says?

As an aside, why aren't you taking the children?

I hope all the decisions you make will turn out to be worth it to you in the years to come. All I want for you now and always is to find happiness, whatever that may mean to you. Most people go through their lives with just a few others who love them completely and unconditionally for who they are as people. That is how I feel about you. Though it might not mean much now I think when you look back on your life in the years to come it will make you feel good that there were people who cared for you so much.
This needs to be changed. The letter should be written as if there is no doubt you will get back together. Do not write that you want her to be happy without you, etc.

Change it & tell her you want to have a happy life together and you are waiting for this chance.

I really like the changes Chris suggested. I would add some comments Jennifer made to me when helping write my letter.

You DID NOT make the A happen! You HELPED to create the environment that made the A possible.
You are doing plan B to protect yourself from the hurt feelings of seeing her with OM.
You are doing plan B to save the love for her that you still have.
You understand what it takes for a happy, beautiful marriage and it is a GIFT you would like to share with her if she NC with OM.
There is no such thing as unconditional love! You cannot continue to love her with the A going on!

Those were my notes from her that went into my letter. I wish you the best with plan B. It starts out very, very hard but gets easier with time.

STTSI

thanks Chris and sttsi. I will make the changes you recommend. I do have all five children with me so that's what the part about paying all there expenses means. My W does not have a job and I don't want to take any money from OM for anything to do with my kids. I know if she tried to pay for something the money would be coming from him.

I was going to recommend changes but Chris beat me to the punch. You got some great suggestions on how to "touch it up". Chris and STTSI and right, you did not make the A happen and telling her you want her to be happy, even without you is just making it easier for her to do just that. It should appear that there is no doubt about you wanting her back. Good luck.

MTD

thanks MTD. I'm going to clean my letter up tonight and hopefully have time to post it and get a little more feedback before I give it to her. Just writing this and figuring out what I'm going to do afterwards feels like a huge weight off my chest. I'm going to start a new thread about how to handle the kids in plan B if anyone has any ideas.

Hey everybody. I've got to get this done by tomorrow morning so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

It looks much better! Only some minor suggestions. Changes are in CAPS.

I know I was equally responsible for the problems we've had that set up the conditions WHICH MADE THE AFFAIR WITH OM POSSIBLE.

I have learned SO MUCH ABOUT MARRIAGE AND WHAT IT TAKES TO HAVE A HAPPY AND FULLFILLING MARRIAGE. It is very exciting to me and IT IS a gift I would like to share with you, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

I have to end all contact with you until your affair with OM ends. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I need to do it TO PROTECT MY FEELINGS OF LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU. It hurts too much to spend time or to talk with you and then to think about you being with someone else. YOUR LOVE AND OUR MARRIAGE is the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't ever want to lose it. It's also holding me back from becoming the man I need to be. (I WOULD LOSE THIS LINE, IT WILL ONLY GIVE HER AN EXCUSE TO NOT COME BACK TO YOU. YOU ARE SAYING YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER)

I would also add that friend has been instructed not to pass judgement on either of us and agrees to be a neutral party.

Again these are only suggestion since your letter looks good.

Here is a copy of my letter if you want to use any of it. My situation is different as my WW already wanted a DV when I sent this to her. Again I had Jennifer help me write it.

WW,
When we met nine years ago you were the light of my life, we dated for only a short while but our love for each other was never far from the surface. June 30, 1997 we started dating again. I remember we would spend hours on the phone talking about nothing and everything, there was nothing we couldn't talk about. We would go for motorcycle rides and walks together and spend as much time with each other as possible. I would call you just to say hi and I would stop by just to be with you. It has been very difficult these last couple of months as I have not been able to share those moments with you anymore.

I wanted to apologize to you for my part in creating the environment which caused you to lose your love for me. I spent too much time on my business and did not give you enough affection, admiration and conversation as when we were dating. The light bulb has gone off for me and I know how we can build a better relationship, a new type of relationship that is based on thoughtfulness and caring. We can create and sustain the love and passion that we once had. I know the road that can get us there.

While we can't fix the mistakes of the past I know we can build a better future together, you and I. While it is my hearts desire that we can build this type of marriage together where we can meet each other's emotional needs, I cannot do that under the conditions of your affair with OM.

I offer this to you, take some time and think seriously about this before filing for divorce. I will help you get an apartment and move into it. After that we will not see each other or speak to each other for awhile. I have arranged to have friend act as a go between for us to pass mail and or messages. She is not to talk to us about our relationship, only act as a go-between. During that time I will further educate myself on how I can love you with a more thoughtful and caring lifestyle. That way if you did decide to join me in this new type of marriage I would have the knowledge and energy to work with you.

This is the gift of love I would like to give you. All it would take is for you to agree to have no further contact with OM. If you agree to that I will welcome you with open arms and a pure heart!

You are welcome to file for divorce as I am not ready to do so at this time. I remain committed to my wife and to our marriage.



All My Love,
STTSI

<small>[ February 07, 2003, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: Still Trying To Save It ]</small>

thanks sttsi. You're letter was very good. I especially liked the first paragraph and may have to steal some of it. Most of your other suggestions I like too and will add them to my letter.

Good luck starman, I hope your plan B goes better than mine did!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
STTSI