I am the WW. The A happened during separation with H, which make things worst and reconciliation difficult. In addition, the OM is my cousin's H. I am so sorry for what I've done. Nobody knows about the truth of the A. We both denied it. Believing that it will minimize the damaged that we have done. The A is over. I am still separated. Now, I am confused and don't know how to deal with it. I need your input please. Thank you.

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

someoneout_there,

What do you want to do? On this site, the concept of "radical honesty" is strongly embraced. It seems to hasten the rebuilding of marriages be starting the process of rebuilding the marriage.

However, you have not indicated whether you want the marriage to be rebuilt. Could you fill us in on your story: how you and H ended up separated, what is the situation with you two now, where do you want to be when the dust settles.

Then I am sure many people will offer their advice.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Please read the articles on this site. I think they will help you see where the people here are coming from with regard to their advice. And I think you may be some very good ideas on how to change your situation.

JL,

Thank you for your input. To be honest, right now, I'd rather be alone. I want to get over with all these mess that I created. I want to have some peace and quiet. But I don't know how to attain it. I don't even know where to start. We have been separated for two years already. I guess it would be better if it will continue that way. I can't decide right now. I can't even think clearly. Thank you for bearing with me.

Someoneout,

Ok let's begin at the beginning. Are you stillhaving the affair? If you are, then the very first thing you MUST do is end it. Like right now. OK? The rest of your life and the lives of many other people is going to be a mess until you end this affair.

So start there.

Now, while you are doing that why don't you write down how your marriage has come to a two year separation, and why not a divorce.

I don't want to hear any blame, just the facts as you see them. Then we'll see if we can get you to start working through this.

I would recommend two books to you. One is called Surviving an Affair and the other is His Needs Her Needs both by Harley. Why? these books. I know they do a good job of describing the place you are in and how you very likely got there.

Have you seen a physician? If so you might need to get a check up. It is very common for people going through what you are to be very depressed. That must be addressed.

Ok! You have your "to do" list. Get reading and start writing here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

"I want to have some peace and quiet. But I don't know how to attain it."

Do you recognize this as a spiritual dilemma? I do.

Why don't you begin with an effort to clearly define your personal values. Outline for yourself the principles you choose that will guide you for the rest of your life.

If you have never really made a blueprint of your values before, it can be very useful, especially when one is feeling lost and ungrounded, as you seem to be.

Take baby steps. Are you depressed?

JL,

The OM moved back to his family in another state due to work-related problem. I gave him a NC letter on the day he left. He did not agree with NC. But I am decided to cut all communications with him for life.

We both agreed not to tell anyone about hte A. I know this is against the principle of radical honesty. But because we belong to one family, we decided to keep it a secret. For how long... I don't know. It's difficult.

Our marriage has come to two year separation because my H doesn't want a DV. I am planning to push through with legal separtaion, at least, due to some problem concerning our property. And to be able to get legal support for our adopted D who is under my care. I'm not ready to rebuilt marriage... not even sure if I want to rebuild it.

I really wanted to read those books. I acknowledge that I need help. I need to help myself too to overcome this unexplained feelings. Yes, maybe I am depressed.

I haven't seen a physician yet. I am trying to calm down myself. And to be strong to face my situation right now.

Thank you for helping me out. Thank you...

Pepper

Before the A, I thought I had a very strong sense of values and high moral standard, I love God, I fear God, I love my family and relatives. I never had any BF other than my H. I never thought I would do something like this.

I admit I made a mistake. And I've learned my lesson the hard way. I'll never do this again. But the damage has been done. And my life will never be the same again. Especially my relationship with my family and relatives.

I am so sorry for what I have done. I know how selfish and disrespectful I was. I regret it. But I need to move on. And I will do everything to get back on the right track. I might not go back with my H anymore, but I'll be a better mother, a better person. And hopefully, time will come that I can face the world again head up. I can't help but cry... whenever this thought comes to mind.

Thanks for your input. In times like this, that you don't have anybody to talk to about this delicate situation- I find comfort in sharing and posting here in MB.

God bless.

JL & Pepper,

I am hurting, too, that I've hurt my H and my cousin, my D and the entire family in the process. I think about them. They never expect that I will do something like this. There are reasons, but I do not want to justify or to rationalize what I've done. Black is black, a spade is spade. It's my fault... my mistake. And I know I have to suffer the consequences of my wrong choices.

I already ordered SAA and His Needs, Her Needs today via on-line. I can't wait to read the books, esp SAA.

Thanks.

Your values can look something like this:

In myself, I will honor and nourish the following values....

1. honesty ... I will be honest with myself and with others, even when it is difficult to be honest
2. fidelity ... I will be loyal wherever I have made a vow, and I will not make vows lightly
3. friendship ... I will seek out and develop healthy friendships by calling my girlfriendfriend (name) weekly
4. forgiveness ... I will forgive others and myself and then let resentment go,and not hold grudges

These are just a few suggestions .... it's a good thing to write things like this down for you to work over, and to re-write as your soul attempts to heal from your affair. To say "I have a high moral standard" .... means what to you? It is open to interpretation and you may want to break that down into smaller more measurable pieces.

You could also begin to rebuild your self esteem by writting goals. They'll have to be measurable for you to recognize progress.

NOT this: I will be a better mother.
THIS instead: Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, I will set aside one uninterrupted hour where my child and I read, or color, or play board games together.

It has to be do-able, and measureable. When you are so lost, and floating around in a haze of self doubt and confusion .... make concrete short term goals ... and then DO it and reward yourself once you do complete your goal.

Good luck kiddo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pepper,

Thank you... I will follow your suggestions. I am keeping a special journal to write down my thoughts, fears, and things like these as a therapy. Your suggestion is highly appreciated.

God bless.

Hi Someone,

JL and Pepper give fantastic advice. Please continue coming here and posting, and reading all that you can.

I know it's hard to believe, but you will feel better in time. I too had an A, and I ended it right before the divorce was final. I am still hoping for a reconciliation with my exH, but at this point it seems it will be in the future, if at all.

Please know that things will get better. Like you, I 'd only 'been' with my husband before I had my awful A. Please remember we are all humans, and we make awful mistakes. Many people are willing to forgive mistakes, maybe your husband is one of them. If you want to save your marriage please follow the sound suggestions on this board and in Harley's books.

I felt simply near death's door 2-6 months ago. I feel much stronger today, and you will too--down the road. Please do as the other fine people here have suggested--read, write, and take care of things.

H_P

H_P,

I'm in tears while reading your reply. You know, it's only here in MB that I can express my true feelings. No one knows what's happening to me and my life.

I am dying inside. But I have a child to take care of, a have work to do for a living, activities in church to attend to. In all of those, so much is expected from me.

Whenever the triggers set in, even in the middle of work or any activites, I just cried.

Thank God for MB... thank God for all of you who reply in my post. You don't know how much it helps to know that someone listens, that someone cares.

God bless.

Hi~
I had an A too. I've been married for 16 years & my H and I have 3 kids. I know what you mean when you say you have no one who you can tell this to. But the longer I kept it from my H, the longer the A went on. There was no one to keep me accountable. I finally got the guts & told him just last week. (thanx to many who replied to my plea for advice on this site! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )It was such a huge, scary risk. I didn't know exactly how he would respond and I had so much to lose because I have a beautiful home and a wonderful husband and darling kids.
I can't know how your H would respond, and I don't know exactly what your situation is, but my H feels like that because I came out and was honest with him about the a, that it proves to him that I really do love him and want to work on our marriage.
You'll do the right thing! I can tell you have a very tender and teachable heart!

C,

Thanks for your reply. I really don't know what to do right now. I just hope to be able to make the right decision at the right time.

Thank you...

Someone,

Yes, you do know what the right thing to do is. It is to see if you and your H can in fact rebuild or just simply build the marriage that you both want.

I realize that you are still in withdrawal. Please read articles here on it. But I also know that a little girl needs both parents. I realize that your H has somehow for some reason not wanted a divorce from you. I know you feel very strange right now.

So I have a few questions for you. Do you live near your H? Your family? Your friends? Are you still in the same church?

If the answers are yes, then start by talking to people as you get through with the withdrawal. Start talking with your H. Does he get to see the little child? I hope so.

I know right now you feel it is pretty hopeless, but it isn't. It will take time, a lot of time, but you may be surprised by what is in your H's heart. I can tell you for sure he has changed in the past two years. Is it for better or worse, I don't know, but somehow he still wants to be married to you.

So give it time, but open a few doors. It is the only way you will truely find out what your future will be.

God Bless,

JL

I too had an A back in August 2001 and my H found out in September. He lived away so mainly just talking on the phone to each other. I talked to him again in Ocotober, then in February and my H had a recorder on the phone, then I was in a car accident in December and the guy came in because his dad died and he called me one night 2x's to see how I was the 1st time he called I hung up 2nd time he called I met him for 15 minutes, not about us because I don't have any feelings for him, matter of fact I have bad feelings for him, because of my marriage. Well my husband found out he was in town and now my husband left. My husband started seeing OW in June when we were still together. As far as I know it was still going on with her in November. My husband said if I didn't talk to him he would still be here. My H told me he went to her because she never hurt him, but yet she got divorced the end of November from her husband, because she cheated on him with numerous OM and they were all married men from what I heard. I regret what I did and I don't think my H would ever forgive me for what I did. From what I heard my husband never did end it with her, but he says he did. I think he might not have seen her like he was, but I am pretty sure he was still talking to her. I would do anything to have my H back home, but I don't think it will ever happen.

JL,

Nice to hear from you again.

Yes, I still live near my H, some members of the family, relatives and friends. I also attend the same church.

Most of the time, I am thinking of moving to another state. Far away from everybody I knew.
I feel guilty. I must admit of my hypocrisy. I can't open up to anybody. Maybe because of fear and shame.

I am trying to gain strength... to do what I should do.

Thanks, JL.

You might want to check out the book self matters by dr phil mcgraw. It is a nuts and bolts book about figuring out who you are, what you want to beleive, and how to change yourself to accomplish this. You do it on your own, it is a very helpful guidebook. You sound ambivalent about your marriage, I assume that is because you have serious issues about either your H or yourself....you really can't go back (or leave) successfully until you empower yourself to live life the way you want to, not how others want (expect) you to. Take your time, take care of yourself (and d) by exerxcise, good nutrition, and healthy intropsection.

Goldielocks,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Thanks for sharing...

Lurky,

I will get that book ASAP. I think it will help me in this confusing time. Thanks for your suggestions.

Some Where Out there, thanks, I am a mess emotionally and I am so drained. I hate it and I blame myself for every thing he is doing to me.