Gee, I haven't posted in quite awhile. Let's see where do I start. Last Saturday 01-25-03 I found my wh at the ow's house, he lied and said that he wasn't there. But I seen his hat & gloves on her table and his car was parked around the block. He said that it wasn't his car and he wasn't there. The ow called the police on me and they told me not to ever go there again. Anyway by the time the police left after they serched her house he had left. When I went back around to see if his car was still there of course it wasn't. When I came home he acted like nothing had ever happened. LIER.... Actual d-day was 03-12-02, ow's # on my phone bill. H swore A lasted Sep-Dec 01. that nothing was going on anymore. 2d-day 04-17-02 found wh coming out of her house followed him to work LB'ed big time. ow continues to page him May-June-July-Aug & Sep Oct pages stopped......All along I asked him where ow worked. H swore he didn't know. Well Nov 2002 low and behold yes, ow works with him. Now the real drama,

H said he wants a Divorce. Now what do I do. I do not work and we have a big mortage and my kids go to private school. Also big property taxes. What do I do??????????

Lost

Lost,
Definately go see a lawyer and make sure he provides for you and the family. I don't know if plan B will work in this situation as I'm still kind of new to this myself.
Maybe more experienced MB's can help you here.
SH01

gonna be tough but you get HALF of all assets and maybe more because of the adultery, plus you will get child support and alimony. probably not going to be as good as you have it now, but you'll get your fair share. you'll probably get to stay in the house with HIM making payments as long as you have full custody of the children. if you have children.

there is no simple answer as to what you do now.this is a problem that began 1 1/2 ago.marriage problems began long before that.what you do depends on what things are going on right now.is husband still involved with OW.why the D now?
your concerns about the morgage and all are valid concerns,so make sure you have all of your "ducks in a row".if he should leave he does have financial obligations to you and the children,not that it makes it easier on you.but he cant just walk away,unless you let him.
its not your fault that this has happened but i do wonder what actions you have taken so far concerning his A.what issues where discused after d-day,both of them?
you have alot to think about and as i said earlier there is no simple answer.

lost:

I was wondering what happened to you! (I was "T-zero" not 2 long ago).

I'm so sorry it's come to this. I don't remember how long your H's A "really" lasted, versus what he told you, but if it was a long A, then that might explain in part why he hasn't ended it yet.

My W "ended" her A almost a year and a half ago, and she's STILL in contact with RM. I'm hanging in there, but there's nothing I can do to change her, I can only control myself.

Definitely talk to a lawyer, or a family mediator. Your H will have to provide for you since you're not employed. But while you prepare for the possibility of DV, don't initiate it yourself unless it's what you want. Let him file (and see if he does, or he's just threatening you because he got caught).

Please tell us how YOU are doing. You sound stronger than I remember, even in your short post.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

Ohhhhhhh,

I am so sad. The affair has been going on I think since 2001. I of course had no clue. But that is beside the point. It is going to 3 weeks tomorrow since I found wh there. He said that he wants a divorce and he said that he went to see a lawyer. But he refused to tell me any details. I don't even know if he had filed. I did ask him if he was going to leave. And he said that the lawyer said that would be the worse thing he could do. I am going to see a lawyer on Monday. I need to know what I have to do. Do I want a Divorce, I can't even answer that question. I just don't know...........

I do know that wh now sleeps in the basement and wh said that I make him sick. And he can't stand to be around me. So how much abuse do I have to take? If I tell him to leave then what?

I don't know if I should get a job? I did get a call from my job (I was layed Sep 01)and they want me to come back to work, but if he leaves then what am I going to do with the children?

Lost.............

lost:

I'm sorry to hear your H is being verbally abusive. That's meanness, pure and simple.

Definitely see the lawyer on Monday. Ask him what he thinks you should do about the job offer. He may have some suggestions as to where you can get help for the kids while you're at work, if he advises you go back to work right away.

As to whether you want a DV or not, that really depends on how you feel. If you decide to ask him to leave, that could be either via a plan B, where you give him a well thought-out plan B letter and let him face some reality for a change. Or you could simply have decided by this point you are done and go straight to a DV. You can get a lot of good feedback from people here about the plan B approach and how to write the letter if that's what you decide to do. I'm not a plan B'er, so I'm probably not the one to ask how to do that.

I can't remember. Did you counsel with Steve Harley? If not, you might consider it.

all my best,
-Qfwfq

Qfwfq,

I don't know what to do. I pretty much never did a very successful Plan A. How could I when contact never ceased. I am going to see the lawyer on Monday but I don't know if I want to try Plan B. You see I have 3 small children and I do work (for cash right now). I take the two older ones to school and go straight to work. Wh stays home and takes care of the baby untill I come back at 1pm. As soon as I come home he leaves. He works 2nd shift. I would have to find a babysitter if I ask him to leave and pay money that I just don't have. And I know if I do ask him to leave he would blame everything on me. He still blames me for his infidility....

I have been a MB'er since d-day March 2002. But I am still so afraid. Ever since I started to act like I don't care (it's about time for me don't you think) he is acting differently. Now what?????? Can you believe that he jumped in my bed 1/2 after he told me he wanted a D? I for the first time refused him and told him to get the hell out of my bed. What's wrong with him, not 2 weeks ago he was by the ow's shack....

Lost

It seems like you are starting over again with a new D-Day. I would suggest that you try PLAN A again before considering a divorce or separation. See if you can figure out your WS' primary ENs. Maybe ADMIRATION for taking care of the kids??

In Plan A, let your WS sleep in your bed. That was important in my Plan A. Kicking him out is LBing.

Remember he's in the fog! You can't listen to him when he says he wants a D. You are the rational one.

<small>[ February 15, 2003, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

lost:

Mimi's got a point. You were kind of led to believe his A was over a couple of times, right?

My W is still in frequent contact with RM, unfortunately. I've gotten better at dealing with it without LBing, such that she's gotten better at not fearing my reaction when I find out about more contact. I think she may, just may be beginning to start withdrawl.

What's working the best for me is unconditionally loving my W, which I will be able to do whether we stay M'd or not, and truly giving her a "safe haven" to be open and honest in. I know, that's what plan A is all about. And maybe that's what I'm recommending here for you.

I admire you for being firm with your H. I'll bet he'll eventually 'get it', if you are able to plan A for a bit longer.

I wish you all the best!
-Qfwfq

mime1254,

Yes, I for sure thought that the a was over. I am going to try Plan A one more time. I don't even ask him questions. The other day he started to explain where he had been and I told him not to worry I didn't really need to know. I am now taking care of me and my children. I don't ignore him I just don't go out of my way anymore. I wouldn't even go out because I was afraid that I would make him upset. I am now doing my own thing and starting to go out. One day he told me he was gioing out I said o.k. so am I. Then he said what about the kids? I said I'll call the babysitter. What about them? He said FORGET IT, I'LL JUST STAY HOME WITH THEM. I then asked him why do you insist that everytime you go out I'm going to stay home? He didn't say much after that, I told him just go and don't worry. So he left...

As far as the sleeping arrangments he made the choice to sleep in the basement. Not me. How can I sleep with him when he was just by the ow's shack 3 weeks ago. What do I do? What if he is sleeping with her too?

When he told me wanted a D, I told him to go see the lawyer and let me know what they say. He hasn't mentioned D again. As a matter of fact he told me that he is going to look for a better job. But he also said you know it's about the kids.

This one works really well now. When he starts about anything and everything, I just tell him I am not going to argue with you and you can't make me argue with you. Then I walk away.

Lost

Female-Age 39; WS-Age 40
Married 11 years
Sons-10 and 8
Daughter-3
D-Day:03/12/02
Continued??? Alot of development... To many to include.
D-Day:01/25/03

Struggling through Plan A

Qfwfq,

Yes. I really did believe it was over.

I am going to try Plan A once again. But eveytime he says something nasty it make me hate him more and more each day. I don't want to get to the point where I actually hate him 100%.

What do you think I should do regarding the sleeping arrangements? The last time we had x, he said we shouldn't be doing this. I don't want you to get your hopes up? I told him there is always hope. Ws didn't say anything after that.

You are right. D or no D, I hope ws will eventually get it. Only time will tell.

Lost

lost:

"I am going to try Plan A once again. But eveytime he says something nasty it make me hate him more and more each day. I don't want to get to the point where I actually hate him 100%."

So long as you remember it's his behavior you hate, not him, you should be okay. Separate the two. Your H is still there, somewhere deep inside that thick fog-bound skull of his.

"What do you think I should do regarding the sleeping arrangements? The last time we had x, he said we shouldn't be doing this. I don't want you to get your hopes up? I told him there is always hope. Ws didn't say anything after that."

This is really your call. I seem to remember you saying that his OW is promiscuous. If so, you and he should get tested for STDs, if you haven't already. Maybe even doing this yourself, telling him you're going to do it, will wake him up a little? As for his remarks. Well, I've gotten worse. A few times now, my W would say "this is my problem, I really like to f***. Which pretty much stopped me from continuing. If that's the only reason she would have it with me, I'd just as soon not. But then, we would start again eventually. We've had it recently after a 3-week hiatus (a LONG time for me!), and it was great. I was able to show her, in the process, that my "day" isn't wrapped around whether I get SF or not, and that I LOVE her, and that's a big part of my wanting it with her. But she's not seen her OM in over a year and a half now, so it's not like I have to think about them having recently been together, like many people on this forum.

"You are right. D or no D, I hope ws will eventually get it. Only time will tell."

In any case, I think you are doing rather well with your sticking by living for YOU while he's behaving like this. Almost like Orchid's "reverse babble" approach! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care, I know you'll be a survivor!
-Qfwfq

<<<I don't know what to do. I pretty much never did a very successful Plan A. How could I when contact never ceased.>>>

Thats when you DO a Plan A,,,,,Plan A is DEVISED to get OW out of your WH life. AFTER plan A comes withdrawl, and THEN recovery,,,,and you can't do recovery until she is GONE..

You might try Plan B which will force him to POP that little insulating bubble he and OW are in right now,,,,nothing is reality based,,,leaving him would FORCE some reality into their relationship,,,,,,good luck to you,,,Holly