After years of emotional neglect in our 20year marriage (no sex and his obsessive behavior, pornography, etc), an old flame came into my life via email. Long story short, we had an affair which is now over. My husband knows and is in another country in the military now. He now is involved with another woman (for two months now)since he believed our marriage was never going to be saved. He knows I want to work on saving the relationship now and I am learning so much about myself and trying to figure out who I am again. We are both Christians. Anyone out there who can offer advice or hope? I am open to working on this. We have both been wrong, but I am accepting my responsibility in all of this.

heartscry811,

You have come to the right place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You will find a lot of wisdom and encouragement here.

The only advice I would have is for you to continue "working" on yourself. Read everything you can get your hands on. This site has great material. Read it all. Read all the posts. Post yourself. It is great therapy.

You did not say if your H had stopped his A. The only thing you can change is yourself. As you change, people (Your H) will change the way they relate to you.

You could benefit from a good MC if you can get to one. Tell your H about what you are doing to find out more about yourself and the part you have played in getting the M where it is today,
and that you are intersted in saving the M.

There are so many good books and website. Love Must be Tough by James Dobson, Torn Asunder by Dave Carden(Carder) I can't recall. Focusonthefamily.org,rbc.org,
psychologytoday.org, are also good sites.

Best of luck on this journey to recovery.
Keep us posted.

In my prayers,
landslide

me(43)/WH(38)
married 23 yrs
dday 1 12/94
dday 2 3/02
in recovery alone

Thank you so much for your reply. I am encouraged since I have done all you said or am in the process of doing those things. I have told my husband that I am starting MC on Tuesday to find out who I am after all this hurt and working on myself. I told him I want to save this marriage and family and would work hard to do my part if he would do the same. No, the other woman is still in his life. He says they love each other but this relationship is only 2 months old, so it could go any direction. I have expressed my desires and he has yet to express any desire for his heart to come back to me. Either way I will continue to do the right thing.

What is "WH" as your signiture states? I am so new here. You say you are in recovery alone... What does that mean?

Thank you so much for your reply. I will continue to visit this site.

heartscry811,

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes ... in the Discussion Formum page will explain the acronyms used here in the posts. I, however, must have made up WH because it isn’t there. I use it to mean wayward husband. They use WS for wayward spouse. I guess I should use something else.

I guess according to MB philosophy I could not technically be in recovery alone. What I mean when I use that is my H is not working on the M(marriage), nor is he leaving. He is sitting on the fence, I guess you could say.

I look forward to updates about your situation.

It will be a long journey. You are not alone. I tell my children that what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I know because I live it every day.

Have a great week-end
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yesterday I emailed my husband and told him if he even has a centimeter of desire to rebuild our marriage to look on this website and that I have spent a lot of time here. He is now overseas with the military and has found another (very young) woman. He emailed me back and basically said he does not even have a milimeter of desire to ever be with me again. He said he was loyal to me for 20 years but when I filed for divorce last summer he was hurt beyond repair and now is fiercely loyal to this OW and says he will be for the rest of his life (though they have known each other only two months). He is pushing hard for me to go through with the divorce. He says he has no feelings for me whatsoever. I believe we could have worked out our problems eventually if this OW had not entered the picture. I could so easily be manipulative now talking to him about my faith and love for Christ and desire to do the right thing(he is also a believer but has got to be far from the Lord right now) but that's all it would be, trying to manipulate him to do what I want and that would not facilitate a lasting change. That has been a major problem in our marriage of 20 years, our interaction spiritually and no lasting changes in behavior.

I am wondering if I should go in the direction of divorce since he cannot do much overseas and taking that step might be what needs to be done. I don't know how you all live in "limbo" for so long wondering what is going to happen and being so emotionally distraught. Yes, we can keep our emotions under control especially as we give them to the Lord, but this plays out in so many ugly ways it is no way to live. My husband is overseas and there is no way of having a relationship with him. He is there on his own with no accountability. He can completely hide, change his whole lifestyle and be with this OW and lead whatever kind of life he wants. I am completely at his mercy even with the finances. I am left here alone to manage all the finances, houses, children, etc. OH MY GOSH, the whole thing is a mess....

Landslide I see you have such a different dilemma... a H who is still with you and yet so distant. How hard that must be.

heartscry811,

This is a great site to get help with your question. I think maybe things pick up more through the week for some who post here.

I am no professional. I would suggest if you are anywhere near a MB counselor that you go there, or any MC you could trust.

Your H isn't thinking clearly right now. I would not advise you to proceed with a D. Keep in mind that is JMHO.

Maybe you could use this time away to work on yourself and read everything you could get your hands on. This MB site has great articles and the posts I have read here have been helpful.

Your H cannot hide from God. God knows where he is and what it will take to bring your H back into a right relationship with Him.

I spend a lot of time praying about my H's relationship with God. Probably more than I spend praying for our relationship. I pray that H will be honest w/himself, honest w/me, and honest/God.

This "limbo" you call it is unpleasant. God is in control. His will is always right. His way is always best. Prayer, Bible reading, and reading here keep me strong.

You might start a topic on this on the Just Found Out board. There is some very good advice going on over there.

In my prayers,
landslide

landslide,

Good advice and you reminded me that yes, we cannot hide from God. That was an awesome simple reminder of truth to me. Thanks.

Went to counseling today at a Christian counseling center. It was very good to be able to share my marital history and problems with a good therapist. Here are some of the things I went away with.

I cannot be the Holy Spirit in my husband's life. I need to leave that up to God. Lasting change comes from Him. Since I've lived for years with intense emotional pain from my marriage I need to work on me now. The focus needs to be on my own growth and change and not on changing the marriage which has always been my focus (and it didn't work). Since my husband is in another country I can do this. I will now cut out most contact with him that is not absolutely necessary (he is having an affair and wants a divorce, but it's only 2 months old)and not have any dialogue back and forth about my feelings (which he doesn't care about now anyway). I won't focus on him at all. If he continues to push me to get a divorce I will just blow it off for now. He can do it if he wants, but I'm giving it a little more time. She asked me when was the last time I did something for me, or had fun, that I looked very tired and so focused on all of these problems (which granted are great, but it's no way to live day to day). She asked questions about what I want, etc., which got me thinking about a lot of things. One thing I know. I only want a marriage that God wants now. I will settle for nothing less. I will never go back to what I had before which was so very unhealthy for me, my husband and my children. Nothing less than working on a marrige that GOD wants will do for me in the future if he ever comes out of his fog. I kept my struggles to myself for so many years. I should have gotten counseling 20 years ago, even if he didn't want to go with me. I was wrong.

heartscry,

Finding a good counselor is great news. It sounds like she gave you some good things to think about. Taking time for yourself right now sounds like just the right thing to do.

The posts I read here are very comforting to me. I don't reply to some of them, but I gain wisdom from what others have to say.

My H is very distant emotionally. He has really shut me out. I feel like he still has a life that I'm not part of (it just doesn't contain an ow).

Keep us updated on your progress. Take it one day at a time. That sounds cliche but that's what I do.

Read up on the MB principles here. They give you a good foundation for what to do when your H comes out of this "fog" he is in.

In my prayers,
landslide