My particulars are in my signature line below. There is really nothing extra to tell, no skeletons (abuse, previous A's, etc.) in the closet so to speak. Basically, we grew apart and my wife chose to have an A before we could go to MC to work on our issues together. We are both in IC, she has yet to indicate a desire for MC together.

We had strictly an e-mail only relationship almost since D-Day until our visit on 2-2-03, last Sunday. I was unsure of my perception of how it went, but I sent my wife a Thank You e-mail nonetheless. The visit lasted 4 hours and the entire time we avoided any discussion of "the elephant in the room" so to speak and kept it light and chit chatty. We laughed, ate dinner, and she left.

Her response to my Thank You e-mail is why I am asking the question in my topic title. She said she would like to get together again, but not until the end of the month (last week of Feb.) I had indicated in my e-mail that I was hoping to get together sooner, possibly as quickly as this weekend for some time with each other. She said she needed more time and that she didn't want to accelerate anything. Additionally, she said she needed baby steps and that she needed to do what was healthy for her at this time. She ended the e-mail by saying that she has "not written off our marriage", and it was "probably more the opposite" which would hint toward leaning in the direction of potential reconciliation. This is by far the most positive response she has given me since D-Day, although I don't really know what I can realistically believe or not believe at this time.

I don't understand why she wants to wait nearly a month to get together again. I don't understand why she needs things to be done in baby steps as she says. I know for a fact that she is still seeing the OM frequently, her words are definitely in conflict with her actions. Not surprising I realize.

I have been plan A'ing my butt off and really feel good about myself and the changes I have made for me, but have I really made any progress with WW? I suppose it can be said that she is cutting our time between visits from 3 months down to 1 month this time, but is that really anything to be encouraged about? I am doing what I can to be patient, I will respect her wishes and not contact her until she contacts me at the end of the month to set up the next date. But at what point do I need to go to Plan B and force her to make a decision between the two of us?

She has stated previously that she and her counselor have agreed that she should be ready to decide her future and potential MC no later than the end of April (6 month mark), do I play this out until then and continue to Plan A or what is my best course of action?

I feel as though I need to send her a letter stating that I would like to have more consistent time together following our next date at the end of the month. I also think I need her to know that there will be no place for OM in our lives if she does decide she wants to work on the M and begin MC at a point in the future. I am concerned that she will continue to want to see us both and never really make a decision, although I know it is difficult for her under the present circumstances. I do believe that my WW is still a good person, but she is under heavy addiction at this point. I can't really tell if she is still very deep in the Fog, or if it is lifting just a little bit.

I want to believe that she recognizes that OM is not her future by her comments of not "writing off the M", but I really struggle with the whole "I need time" and "baby steps" issues.....

Any and all opinions and help are welcomed and needed, thanks.

<small>[ February 08, 2003, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: sadinaz ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know for a fact that she is still seeing the OM frequently, her words are definitely in conflict with her actions </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like she wants to make sure you'll catch her if someone pushes her off the fence. Sorry!

It could be that she's is very confused, but her continued relationship with OM is going to keep her confused. jmho

good luck!

Sad:

I think Steve would say that we can't understand the logic of an addict. "Baby Steps" seems to me to be just another rationalization your WW is using to maintain her relationship with the OM. Like my WS, she is trying to come up with her own plan. There really is only one plan that works. They have to make the decision to never see or talk with the OP again in their entire life. I was able to say this to my WS in our first separation talk. I almost fell on the floor when he stated that he knows thats what he has to do. He did not say that he planned to do it. I think his plan is to take "baby steps"; they are speaking the same language. It will not work!!!!

Unfortunately I agree with everyone else. The fact is that she still sees the OM frequently indicates that she is a cakewoman who enjoys her intimacy with her OM while being able to keep her husband (you) on a string in case the OM does not want to commit permanently. You cannot recovery if she is still seeing the OM and you know this.
The old saying hold true: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is enjoying her life with the OM while throwing you a little bone to hope for recovery. It sounds like you are Mr. backup and she is still using you. You have allowed her to make all of the decisions and set all of the boundaries. Clearly she is not willing to give up the OM and commit to you while she lets you visit with her once a month. I think it is difficult for someone to respect someone else who is willing to accept all types of disrespect. If the OM is married then contact his wife. Maybe it is time ask yourself what is it that you really want and can you wife really provide it for you?