I would love to hear your hints regarding how to cope with separation from your WS. My WS decided to leave me while I was doing Plan A. Really, he made plans to leave right after D-Day but stayed home about 3 weeks after that for some unknown reason. Really, he only stayed home during the weekdays and left on weekends. You get the picture.

He's been gone since Monday and today has been a bad day for me in terms of coping. It seems like the feelings that I had just after D-Day are coming back. I'm having visions of him and her and intense feelings of loss. I guess when he was at home I felt like I was accomplishing something to mend the R. I know I can't do all the work by myself.

What's really confusing is that my WS now that he has left is acting nicer, talking more to me about his feelings and is saying that he wants to come home. How confusing!

I want to hear about those of you that used Plan A while separated. I have a week to go before talking to Steve H. again about whether to go to Plan B. Steve knew that I was separating but did not recommend this yet. I have to work on getting my WS to sign a separation agreement. He says he will.

I want to hear of separations that led to reconciliation. I'm feeling hopeless about this. I want to hear how those of you in Plan B learned to cope. I want to hear anything that you feel would be most helpful to me at this point.

Thanks.

Mimi,

I can respond to you here or if you want to talk, e-mail me at: mborchid@hotmail.com. I am available tonight if you need.

I know when I was going through this, MB was great but I also needed someone to talk with. Believe it or not, several MBers helped me out, e-mails and on the phone until I could get back on my feet.

Let me know.

L.

Mimi-

I am currently separated and have been so since about 6 days after D-Day in October. Take heart in realizing that you are way out in front of the curve, I didn't discover MB or this site until about a month ago- although SAA was the first book that I read about a week after WW left. There are many wonderful people here as you know, an amazing network of others that have all "been there done that".

To tell you something that will make you feel better is going to be difficult for me as I am still separated. However, be it ever so slight I do finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. My wife and I actually went exactly 3 months without seeing each other prior to last Sunday. I had the impression during our visit that the OM was more companionship than relationship and she told me in a subsequent e-mail that she is somewhat finally leaning toward reconciliation. Much like your husband, she has given me a deadline as well- although mine is the end of April. Also, much like your situation I know she is still seeing him frequently- and that pains me. But I do feel hope that ever so slightly the fog may be lifting, but it's going to take time- and patience has never been a virtue of mine.

What have I done to stay busy? Do whatever you can to get out of the house as much as possible. I have a great network of friends that have really rallied around me and are there if I need them. Go out to eat, go to movies, go shopping, whatever it takes but don't sit at home waiting for a call- it is similar to watching a pot and waiting for it to boil. I also do not agree with going to the gym the same time he does, I think he needs to wonder what you are doing. Change your schedule and be unpredictable. And DO NOT see anyone else during your separation, I went through the exact same emotions around X-mas when I was lonely and I am so glad I didn't cloud my situation. Two wrongs DO NOT make a right, period end of story!!

It gets easier, but it's never easy I will admit. The key is to do what everyone else has been telling you, work on yourself. I have the advantage of not having children so I have more time, but that is a disadvantage for me in saving my marriage. But I know one thing for sure, I am a better me today than I was nearly 4 months ago when this started. Continue with your IC, that has been invaluable to me. I see someone locally as well as SH every couple of weeks, it has been expensive but entirely worth every penny. If you can afford it, I have found getting two different perspectives to be invaluable. Continue to read anything you can, I have a complete library of books to give to the next friend that I have that goes through this hell. But just stay busy, and don't go to his place or call him- EVER. He needs to wonder what you are doing, and he needs to know that although you may WANT him, you don't NEED him to survive. Show him you are strong, show him you can go on without him if you have to do so.

I don't think you need to concern yourself with Plan B, your Plan A is working well. If your husband is saying mid-March, then give him until at least then to work things out. The smartest thing I did was to stop chasing my wife and to completely release my feelings of wanting to control her- I truly believe she is now seeing that OM is not what she thought he was in the beginning. Your husband will see that as well, in fact I suspect from reading your story he already does. You are too early in your saga to be worrying about Plan B in my opinion.

The concept of time is one that I struggle with as well, I don't understand how they can do what they are doing while full well knowing that it's not what is best for them. But that is precisely why I subscribe to the addiction theory, even when the fog begins to lift our spouses are still struggling with an addiction. That is how we need to treat them, with as much compassion as we can all the while not playing the role of enabler. They know what they are doing is wrong from a moral standpoint, but they need to continue to get their fix. The question is whether or not we are going to be there for them when they ultimately crash, and they will without a doubt. If I can make it 4 months and counting, you can do it as well.

Be strong, be calm, and each day will get easier for you. I miss my wife and love her as well, but I know now that I can and will thrive without her if I have to do so. Patience is the key, don't expect something to happen every day and don't make the mistake of forcing something to happen if nothing does.

Relax if at all possible, you really are doing well and much better than I was at your stage. I don't know if any of this helps, just know that I am one of those that is pulling for your sucess- along with many others......

Mimi, I don't know about your state, but separation here is first step to divorce. It goes into D after we decide so there are not two separate filings. Of course, we can call it off if want to.
We never did legal separation. But acutally were most like separated though living in same home.
I decided that for me,it was same as filing for Divorce, and as such, I was free to do as I pleased.And I told H so. For the benefits of what marriage and divorce is, according to bible, in adultery the marriage is already null and void unless the two S's decide to continue in the marriage. For me, the legal paper work is just a matter of man's laws. I look to a higher being and the covenants.
I feel my H divorced me the day he got in bed with another woman. Though of course we're still legally married by law.Man's that is!
How do you handle it? For me it would be as though permanent. And I'd be making a new social life and circle of friends.
Is this LB'ing? What the hell does SH think the WS is doing?
I sometimes feel this is saying Kiss their a-- while they get their little foggy heads on straight. What it really is doing is allowing them to see how much the BS will roll over and play dead!
Nothing like giving them a little competition I say. I think it gives them the impression we think we can't get anyone else and we're going to be the door mat because of it. Makes their ego just soar a little higher.
But show them you're ok with it by going on and having a real life without them makes them look up and see that if it's all a game to them, they may be losing completely.
Like your H says he wants to come home. Eventually! He sounds to me like he's so sure he can still do that with you. And have his cake in meantime.
Strategy is not always the same for each of us. So you have to make your own plan and follow through.
After his conversation I'd be seeing my good friend and having fun instead of sitting home and/or driving by OW's house.I'd be too busy to care what he's doing!
My say. thanks.LouLou

well, for me, I finally left my WS after 15 EA's,,,,I had just about HAD it,,,,I Plan A'd myself to DEATH long before I knew what the heck Plan A was,,,,,the last year was horrible though,,,both of us in serious withdrawl from eachother and from our marriage. AFTER I left, he decided that he wanted me back,,,,,he begged and pleaded himself silly, and I told him emphatically NO about 20 times,,,,and then he did the unthinkable,,,he filed for divorce saying it was the LAST thing he wanted, but if it was the only thing he could do for me to make me happy, he would,,,,and I fell apart. In my opinion, my husband was like an alcoholic,,,,only he was addicted to internet romance,,,eventually though, most internet romance turns to the real thing, and THAT is what H was getting to <buying condoms, getting ready, making plans, etc.>. And like an alcoholic, he had to reach rock bottom and I had to stop enabling him for him to see that this addiction was destroying his life. When I left, he reached rock bottom,,,he lost his wife, essentially his children because of distance <although I would NEVER take the children away from him, we DID have to move 500 miles away because it was the only place we had to go>, and everything we had built over the last 20 years. When I left, I basically told him that the free ride of forgiveness without consequences as many times as necessary was OVER,,,hence, I stopped enabling him to think that this wasn't a problem,,,and he was forced to realize the truth. Now, almost three months later, we are making plans to get back together,,,we have had some marriage counseling <and will have more when I move back with him>, IC, and time to reflect on what it is that we really want,,,,what's IMPORTANT. I went from a relationship that I was totally convinced was in the garbage can, with NO chance of survival,,,,,to loving him again with all my heart. It sounds corny, but I realized that BEFORE when he was cheating so much, I did everything in MY power to save the marriage,,,,but the problem was bigger than ME. My Grandmother used to tell me that With God, all things are possible,,,,,and that's exactly what I have done now,,put my faith and trust and the direction of my marriage in GOD'S hands,,,,,ONLY HE can heal the rift and the pain from 15 EA's ,,,,not even the man who caused that pain can heal it. So, the only advice I can give you is take it slow, baby steps, a little every day, PRAY ALOT, and put GOD <or Allah, or Buddah, or WHATEVER higher power YOU believe in> in control of your life AND your marriage,,,,,you have the rest of your life to be married (if it's truly going to work),,,,a couple more months while you take your time and have some prayerful reflection and decide what YOU want and what would make YOU happy and fulfilled wont hurt. And if he won't wait after hurting you so badly, then I would seriously reconsider his motives. And make sure you post here often,,,,these people are some of the best, although I usually post over in Recovering. Best of luck and God Bless,,,,Holly

I am seperated too, but stupidly I let him come back for almost 2 weeks for him to go back to the OW. Now I feel like I am going through being seperated all over again. Matter of fact he comes over and parks his truck everywhere but in our driveway in case she sees it here. I feel like the girlfriend and not the wife. We have 3 children, ages 19, 13 & 10 and it is upsetting them terriable that he is here and then not here for them. They are growing to hate him. I also ride by the OW's apartment, but not as much as in the beginning. Emotionally I think I am better than the 1st time he left, I don't wake up crying in the middle of the night, but I still cry at times during the day and hope for a miricale, I just wish I can be strong and not give into him when he needs a favor, or wants to see me. He is taking me for granted by giving in. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Also please email me I would like someone to talk to about being seperated. goldielocks109@msn.com