Hi I am new here and I was hoping for a little advice and a place to vent.
My H and I have been together for 10 years and have 2 little girls. We have a pretty good marraige and my H is a wonderful guy. Throught the years we have always worked through the bumps with lots of communication and nothing gets swept under the rug.
Well there is one problem that keeps coming back every so months wich means its unresolved. My H is a computer geek!! He comes home from work, visits with us, eats dinner and then sits at his computer until he goes to bed. He doesn't appear to be chating with people or looking at porn.
I don't want to be a nag about what he does with his time so I find things of my own to keep me busy when the kids go to bed.
I guess I am bored at night and I would like to spend time with my H some nights. He says he goes on because he is bored. That hurts my feelings because he doesnt even give me a chance.
I have often thought maybe he was having an affair so the computer is a way to avoid any kind of confrontation with me. Maybe I am boring or maybe he is just addicted. I really don't know to get this issue resolved. He is right away on the defense if I even try to bring it up wich I try to do very delicately.
Well thanks for letting me vent and if any one has some advice I'd like to hear it.

I was sort of the computer geek you describe. Similar situation with M as well.

Bu we had issues with meeting ENs and handling conflicts. Perhaps investigating where the two of you in terms of meeting ENs would be productive. The goal being, a happier guy is more receptive to taking actions that make you happy.

If things really are good beyond a surperficial layer, then some non-attacking and honest talk about your feelings should work.

FWIW, it's nice to have someone new post without at least the almost definite possibility of an A. Though it does cross your mind, I hope there isn't more to it than that. But "going with your gut" seems to be the common advice here.

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

You might want to sit down with him at the computer for time together AND to check out what sites he is visiting. Is he deleting the history? That should not be necessary unless he does not want you to know what he is doing.

For me, the more I know, the better. Steve H. says nothing should be secret between a married couple.

From your user name, I would guess that you feel unloved and it hurts you that he seems to like the computer more than he likes you.

There is another approach that you could try.

I don't know how you bring it up to him, but you could try to make it about your feeings, not about what he is doing. Something like:
"H, I want to talk to you I ( then after you have his attention) and I want you to understand something. I am really hurt lately that you won't spend time with me. I feel unloved, I feel that you don't care about me. I have tried to let it go but it is starting to affect my feelings for you. I feel less love for you as time goes on, and I don't want that to happen. If we don't address how this is making me feel, I don't know what will happen down the road. Will you discuss it with me?"

You could probably do a much better job with the wording, but keep it about your feelings, not about what he does.

Having seen this before, I can say that talking may not work. He has an addiction but adicts seldom will admit to it. He may ( and perhaps has already) say that it is just your problem, that he is normal and that if you loved him you would let him do things that he likes.

Well, I don't suspect you married him so he would spend all his time on the computer and ignore you. I suspect he maried you and then developed this addiction and started to ignore you then. No one in their right mind would marry someone that never pays attention to them. Dr Harley says that MB principals won't work when their is an addiction in the way, you have to treat the addiction first.

I suggest you search the internet for information on treating addictions, and apply what you learn there also. Anyone that would let computer time threaten their marriage has to be and addict, at least in my mind.

I recommend you read as much on the main concepts of this site as you can, and learn as much as possible here. These things have really helped our marriage to become stronger, and they can help you also. Please continue to update us on how you are doing, we care.

SS

Well est thanks for the advice. H always says he would be happy doing something other than being on his pc. All I have to do is make suggestions. See to me I feel like I have to always ask if he will spend time with me and that makes me feel uncomfortable. As for him having an EA i don't know its just been in my head for days now and I can't get it out. It is more than the computer use thats got me thinking but we can talk about that another time.
I have been reading through some posts and everyone uses abbreviations like EA, EN, A etc..
I think I know what some mean but not all. Is there a reason why they are used?
Thank you again

Thank you for the reply. Really all he does that I can see is he plays online games, reads the news and we have played a few games together as well. As far as the history, I don't know how to check that.
I can see moderate use but when I spend most of my nights looking at him just sitting there hour after hour it makes me mad. I feel like I am left to deal with the world behind him, ( the pc is in the livivg room) I have my 2 girls who are 5 & 3 to take care of, messes to clean etc...
I feel ignored i guess you can say.
I thank you for the advice.

Thank you SS. You are so right about alot of things.
When we talk about it H does say that he is normal and its my problem. By the way H kind of gave me my user name! Any way yes I feel unloved, undesireable, ignored etc...
I have gotten so used to this way of living that when he suggest spending time together, I am not really interested.
I always ask him what we did before we had our computer and he can't remember. I remember spending lots of time together. Yes I will read up on addictions so that maybe I can understand and possibly help him. Thanks

Here are some links for you that will help you get a start. If you have already read them, don't worry about reading again.
Here is a good start
onegoings guide for new members

and here is an answer to one of your questions.
onegoings guide to acronyms

It may very well take some time for this help your marriage, don't get discouraged if he doesn't respond right away. At least you are trying, and I commend you for that.

SS

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I would suggest that you read up on Dr Harley's concepts (they're wonderful concepts for ANY marriage, not just a marriage in trouble,,,if we had followed them 20 years ago, we might not be in trouble now), especially the part about POJA <Point of Joint Agreement>. Although I certainly HOPE that your husband is not having an EA, as they can be incredibly painful, he IS obviously engaging in behavior that is painful and hurtful to you and your marriage, perhaps without meaning to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> After reading up on it, I would POJA some computer time for him and some Luvin' time for YOU. As far as suggesting things for the two of you to do, that is ALSO his responsibility,,,,you BOTH might write some fun things down on little slips of paper, toss them all into a Mayonaise jar, and pull one three or four nights a week,,,,,,,Toss in a few like "wine and cheese with my wife after the children are in bed" <a personal favorite> and a few like "Super Duper Extrordinary All Over Body Rub for Hubby" and "Sensual Bubble Bath for Wifey". I'd try some silly stuff too like "fingerpainting a love letter Contest" or "Who can be the Most Romantic on the smallest budget Contest" ,,,of course the NORMAL stuff like movie from Blockbuster with Popcorn and Soda is good too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Best of luck,,,,,and I'm glad you're trying to fix a problem before it exists <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> they say "don't fix something that isnt broken",,,,frankly, I would like to know who THEY are anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Marriages are SO much easier to fix BEFORE they're broken than after,,,Holly

You go girl! I will try some of your advice. Thank you so much for caring.
Yesterday my H started changing out on of the light switches in the house and I suggested changing all of them through out the house from biege to white a little at a time. He went to Home Depot and came back with all of them! He kept himself busy with that all day. I felt bad for him working on it all day but it kept him off the computer. He says he was glad to have something constructive to do instead of sitting at the computer. I guess spending some quality time with me has not been constructive enough