Dear 20years:
I hope you don't think I'm being disrespectul or hateful, but I'm confused.

You asked for advice and you got it. You know what you have to do but you aren't doing it.

Why in the world not??????

Yes, it's going to be hard. But you OWE this one to that congregation. You even OWE it to his wife. She has NO IDEA. You aren't being fair to her. You aren't giving her the same options that you have. You need to at the very least tell her. Whether anyone else gets told or not, you need to tell her. Do it anonymously if you must but TELL HER.

She deserves to know that her health and marriage could be at risk.
DB

20yrs:

"She then changed her password so now I can't check to see what they e-mail back and forth."

It is possible to recover deleted emails from the computer she was using at the time by running Norton Utilities on the computer, using "file recover", advanced search (using the OM's email name as a keyword, for example). This will take a while, and will produce possibly thousands of text files with a LOT of redundancy, but you can usually recover most of what's been erased this way.

Having said that, I will also point out that what you will find won't make you very happy. With her, with OM, or even with yourself. You always wind up feeling like dirt for snooping, though since she's not being forthcoming with you, you certainly have the right to find out for yourself. But you already know enough, don't you?

This contacting the OM is always a difficult subject on this forum. I haven't contacted my W's OM in over a year since D-day, though I know that contact via email and phone continues. But I do have his email address and that of his employer. I just don't think it will get me what I want by doing so now. After all, his W knows, and has chosen to have an A of her own. In your case, this OM is going way out of bounds with his behavior, and needs to be stopped before he does more harm to his parishioners (not just your W).

What *I* WANT is my W back, OF HER OWN VOLITION. I don't think I'll get that if I try to forcibly "stop" their ongoing EA by contacting him and telling him ANYTHING, or informing his boss (who may know anyway, but I doubt it). I want her to choose to end the contact herself.

Try not to worry too much about the hurtful things your W says about you, or about her feelings for OM (when they were 17? Sheez! How many of us were even CLOSE to being adults at that age??). It's fog latin.

-Qfwfq

Okay, Pepper and WAT:

Hardball question:

Pepper: "Which is worse ?? An angry wife who knows you care enough to stand up to a lying adulterer for her .... or an angry wife who thinks you don't care enough about her to fight for your marriage?"

I know 20's W's OM is a different animal from RM, but I know Pepper has advised ME not to confront RM, and I don't think, WAT, that you answered this question (at least not lately, maybe you said "no" too, a while a go). I realize that he won't give a damn what I think of him, but what about ccing his employer if I did contact him? He does his consulting at work, after all, so my W's company is paying part of his salary at his work. If I were to contact him (and his employer), I might ask his employer to find a go-between at their institution so that direct communication between him and my W could be avoided.

Again, having said that, I don't really want to contact him. I want my W to offer him up for an Aztec sacrifice of her own free will. But if anybody thinks *I* am "taking this ongoing contact lying down", that I'm "not willing to fight for my M", then I'll send an email sooner than quicker! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Sorry for the hijack,
-Qfwfq

~Q~ ..... Your W has seen you fight for this marriage. The OM's wife knows about the A .... and is having an A of her own. The A in your case has been exposed to the light, as it were.

20years is sooooo afraid to make a move, so he's just sitting on his keester. He seems to be paralized by fear .... YOU dear Q, are not.

20 YEARS. been there-done that- DO IT- blow the A out of the water-light of day causes amazing things to happen and change-I blew it up and will NEVER regret doing so- despite how it could have turned on me- it HAD to be done. I didn't know the OW's H but I found him one day at his kids bus stop- told him what was up- I owed it to him- I never even considered that I was wrecking OW world...that was a bonus ephiphany that came later- OW's H was polite as I was to him-shattered understandably but grateful that someone had the nerve to tell him-esp, it being ME. The OW drove up the street during our bus stop chat-stopped to see what her H was doing...LOL she didn't remember me from 23 years ago during high school age....I reminded her with one sentence ''hey you are screwing my H, how could you forget ME?" she promptly drove away.... That was the only contact I've had with her-((it was PLENTY!))except I see her often enough as she lives up the street. I went then to meet my H at his job- told him where I had just been and he flipped-but has since gotten over it. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER- get the proof in hand and call the minister and his wife-his diocese or whatever too. The OW in my life ((out of my life?!)) is a surgical nurse and I wish there was someone I could tell-((is there??)) I don't think she should be in charge of anyones life in a medical capacity- she has NO integrity-standards-morals- CREEPY to think what she does for a LIVING. Also-you can call your internet provider and get a new master password-then you can get in your WW mail at least once more......and one more thing....like suicide threats, even a mention of someones dying enabling them to change their life is NOTHING to be ignored- confrontation is in order here- you are obviously a responsible adult and this is a horrible place to be-SO don't start slacking now- get to it and DO THE RIGHT THING.

Thanks, Pep. I'll take that as a vote of confidence! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

20Yrs: All my best to you and yours!
-Qfwfq

20Years,

If you like to fool around with computers, you can retrieve the files as "Q" said. Or you can get some snooping software and find out the new password for her email. All of this is worth considering.

BUT there is something you MUST DO FOR YOUR FAMILY. I don't want to hear any "Yes, But's..." on this. Go to a lawyer and tell him what is going on. In some state you can lose rights to your children if you leave: it is seen as abandonment. You should ascertain your ability to gain full custody ( wouldn't want a woman of your W's current thinking raising my children). You should see if a separation agreement can be drawn up to protect you and your children financially. You should see if you can prevent her from leaving with your children.

You my man have screwed this up big time, IF you don't protect yourself and your children during this mess. You have made no mention of doing so. Get off of dead center, and go to a lawyer today. Get this stuff sorted out.

As for the topic of discussion, send him an email. Explain that in two days you will be contacting his W about what is going on. He has two days to tell her what he and your W have done and are doing. If he doesn't then she will hear from you.

As for you W, she may leave you if you tell OM's W, but that will only be an excuse if it happens. The 'fog' changes everything, and when it leaves she will see the debris from what she has done. It may not save your marriage, but if that is the case, there was nothing you could do.

My advice, see the lawyer NOW. Take good care of your children, and send the OM the email. Affairs don't often last very long once the light of day is shown upon them. This one needs a good dose of light.

God Bless,

JL

Qfwfq - ditto Pepper. The object of squealing is to "out" the affair. I don't see that you can do anymore in this regard. Sometimes it doesn't matter - as in your case and mine. They just hunker down to "prove" their decisions were right. And, I love hardball. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

20years - Ruthie said it with experience. Very powerful.

WAT

20 years- I forgot to add yesterday but do KNOW and whole heartedly AGREE with the other respondents here-do NOT be the one to leave the home- bad move-if she wants out let her get out. You ARE entitled to some boundaries- don't be serving her just what she wants on the proverbial silver platter!!

Qfwfq, do you need NOrton to do this advanced search using OP's name? And utlities file? Or could it work with other software? Curious. Thanks. LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>20Years,

BUT there is something you MUST DO FOR YOUR FAMILY. I don't want to hear any "Yes, But's..." on this. Go to a lawyer and tell him what is going on. In some state you can lose rights to your children if you leave: it is seen as abandonment. You should ascertain your ability to gain full custody ( wouldn't want a woman of your W's current thinking raising my children). You should see if a separation agreement can be drawn up to protect you and your children financially. You should see if you can prevent her from leaving with your children.

JL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. I made many mistakes after I found out about my W's A. The one thing I did do correctly, more through luck than anything else, was to get my lawyer involved from day one. There was some LBing involved, but everystep of the way I was doing what was needed to protect my children and myself.
Michael

Call Rev. OM and advise him you know about the affair. Do NOT tell him off, as he doesn't care about you or his own wife for that matter. Let him know the secret is out, period.

Tell your own Pastor about this, too. Make sure that the printed emails are duplicated and saved in a secure place. The more people who know about this makes you safe.

This Rev. OM needs to have his license revoked.

Religious types who engage in this type of behavior can be very scary. They claim biblical black and white, but live in the gray area. By this, they'll split hairs about EA's vs. PA's as to what constitutes adultery.

The minister who killed his wife and his mistress' husband committed murder in order to avoid adultery!

God Bless You