Things went so well during the Holidays that I
thought there was hope for the future with my WW and me. Apparently it was only a superhuman effort from my wife to allow the families and children to have a good Holiday Season.
The second week of January rolls around and it seems we are back to square one again. She has stated that she does not want to give me any false hopes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> False Hopes I guess make my days easier at times. But contact with the OM was started again during this same time. Of course she assures me that it had nothing to do with him.
I had promised myself that I would quit snooping and just work on myself but that is so hard at times. There is so much of me that just wants to hold her and hug her and tell her that everything will be OK, but the other half of me wants to scream, shout, possibly rearrange the OM's face a bit and sometimes to just run.
I watch our children become more and more concerned each day. Each asking for reassurance in their own personal ways for us to be a family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> The littlest one is on a
most precious daddy and
my numberest 1 mostest prescious Daddy right now. She is so sweet! She is trying really hard to help both of us but I think it is beginnng to take it toll on all of them. The youngest daughter came home froma friends house yesterday crying. After finally getting her to calm down we learned that the husband and wife there were having an arguement and the husband slapped his wife. Our 6 year old saw this and left, coming home crying all upset. She was finally comforted enough to stop crying and told us that we both were her
most precious daddy and mommy in the world. I sure wish my WW could see this.
But I guess the point of no sleep was that I know my wife had lunch with one of her older friends last week. That in itself I thought was a good idea as this friend is a stable friend with good morals, unlike the best friend that my wife has who validates her every work with "
Whatever makes you happy is what I want. But almost an hour later my gut was wrenched out as I remembered that this friend's husband was also an attorney. Now granted, he is not a D attorney but he could point her in the direction of one. Checking her phone later that evening I see where she called the OM's work place, then the hospital where he is, and then to the Offices of this friends husband. Ouch! Yes that scared me, but I was able to refocus and overcome but it is hard.
To make matters worse, I found a letter and a card in her truck. The letter is from a long time friend who my wife has corresponded with since before we were married 16 years ago. Her friend ask the question in this letter, "
But have you asked Trusting why he was such a bad husband and father all of these years". And then she goes on to tell her not to stay for the kids, that they see that the love is gone and that they will eventually get over it. That they see the pain in her and would like for her to be happy again. To not make the mistake of being miserable for the next 40 years just because of the kids. And that yes, she cam make it on her own. It may be hard but with a decent job and child support it can be done. She knows becuase she divorced her first and second husband. These are the type people that my wife is turning to for support. Me? I have surrounded myself with pro marriage types who help me keep my head screwed on right. I hope at least.
But the card that was there, unsigned and not delivered yet. On the front is XOXOXOHOHOHO and on the inside "Until next time". I know. This could go in any direction. Is the card for the OM or is the card for me? I doubt me as I have not gotten any such sign of affection since last July. So, while I know that I am not supposed to dwell or obsess these things, what is this card for and who is it intended for? It is not the type of card that she would send one of her friends.
I just wish she would quit replaying our history over and over in her mind. Or prehaps quit rewriting it. I say this because I know if I keep replaying what I think I know about her and the OM that it makes me bitter and angry. But when I manage to focus on the good things, while still accepting the fact of the OM, I function better. She says that she cannot remember any good thing about us. That she could if she tried really hard. But those two thoughts make me remember a comment she made when the children and I made her a HUGE 40' banner showing our love for her. After reading the 10' section that I make she got angry and stated "
Why are you trying to make me remember? The precious children never got any credit for their 10' sections as the wife never looked past the first part. And they spent the good part of 4 hours working on that banner.
So, yes I am venting here, but also scared that she may leave. Is it a valid fear, quite possibly, but I just keep trying to remember that I can survive with or without her and that fear is not of the Lord. He does not want me to feel this way nor does He want my wife and I to seperate. But....I also understand that my wife is a being of her own who quite possibly may be invaded by aliens (Satan) and she has to make her on decision.
I guess the best signs are that she is still at home. She has just agreed to take of some of the household bills. We POJA'd the keeping of her truck vs trading it in for a smaller less expensive vehicle. I would assume that if she was going to leave she would have wanted to trade it, unless of course there is a way to force me to continue to pay for it if she leave. I hope not. Does she see change? Yes, I think she does. Her best friend told me on D-Day;
"
Just keep doing what you are doing. Why just the other day your wife said that she sometimes sits and watches you and wonders how she ever got herelf into this mess."
She does respond like another post I just read that "
just needs her space" and "
it will take time."
<small>[ February 09, 2003, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: trusting her ]</small>
