I finally heard this morning...she's okay. She's still very, very groggy and disoriented from the anesthesia. She could only talk about 5 minutes before she said she will have to sleep some more.
I will go to see her directly from work tomorrow afternoon...and bring food and begin to talk about how I can help. All of the wonderful advice that I have receieved here will be implemented. God has blessed us with the ability to share our pain and sorrow in order to help others.
Well, now to deal with the H. Hmmm...that's a hard one. We were talking this morning about how much we both enjoyed our (long ago) trip to Hawaii...it was so nice to focus on the good and the pleasurable things that we have experienced. I am so torn between being loving and supportive and doing plan B. For the last week or so, I have been backing off and just letting him have his time and space...but this morning I really let him have some affection and love (not in a sexual way, but in a ego-boosting way) and he really responded. There must be some middle ground between Plan A and B...
Well, not looking forward to our "talk" but maybe things will not be as bad as expected. Probably they will, but then again I will not stoop to his level of only focusing on the negative.
Landslide, I'm here for you if you need to talk. I know what it's like to have everyone on the "outside" respect and love your H, when on the inside you know what he is capable of and how much he has hurt you. My H is the same way. People always say "Oh, he's so great...so nice..." but what they are not privy to is the fact that he is also emotionally and verbally abusive at home. And whenever I am sad or upset, they look at me like I'm crazy -- "what could bother her when she such a great guy?" And of course they rarely say how great a person I am...when I am really the one running the household and keeping things together. Gosh, we don't even have kids but the amount of energy it takes to keep things running is amazing.
I guess it's the same old story -- behind every great man, there has to be a great woman.
Let me know how church went. I hope it wasn't too painful. Thanks for caring.
1Red

1Red, so happy to hear your friend is alright.
Thanks for letting us all know.
God bless and keep you, LouLou

1Red,

So great to hear the good news about your friend. It is encouragement to hear such good news.

She is fortunate to have a friend like you.

Church was good. God speaks to me regardless of the messenger. Today, as I sang in the choir, I
was not afraid to look the ow(she doesn't deserve capital letters) right in the eye. I don't know if she could tell I was looking just at her. I was very empowering. I was motivated by the posts I had read here about what to do when you see the ow. I think she could see my attitude of avoidance moved toward boldness and uncaring about the "situation" today.

On the way out of service, when all the congregation was shaking the minister's hand (and telling him how wonderful he was) she walked right up to him and offered her hand. Of course he reciprocated, you know, people watching. He couldn't/would'nt walk away. I was not inflamed as I usually am, but I knew matter-of-factly what I was going to say to him.

I have been so good at not reacting to situations in a predictable way. I have been trying not to do what I would have in the past which included a lot of LBing.

On the way to lunch, however, something in me snapped. I related, in a very LBing (more like LBombing) way, that I thought shaking her hand was bold, brazen, and sinful.(ouch!) I said I thought she was doing it to let him know the door was open if he ever wanted to have another EA I used the word relationship) with her.(ouch!!)

His response, "Why don't you just shut up."

(OUCH)

I told him he seemed to be sitting on the fence.(Sometimes I'm not good at shutting up!)
Not wanting to leave, but not wanting a relationship with me. He said he didn't understand what I meant. That things are like they have always been in our marriage (ouch).

So for the last 23yrs. he has felt the way he does now.

I might just have to accept the fact that he will never love me. We never argue in front of the kids. We are never affectionate either.

I guess I'm starting all over today. I undid the groundwork I had been laying by my not LBing. Being quite honest, it feels sometimes like being a doormat.

I feel very unloved and rejected today.

This feeling will pass. It always does, and God reminds me that I'm a child of the King.

Thank you so much for listening (reading). I know I'm whinning. There is no one I can talk to about this. Sometimes I think I made a mistake by keeping this terrible secret. I just want to do the right thing. I want to do what Christlike love requires, but I didn't today. I will do better next time.

Tell your friend a lot of people are praying for her. Keep us posted.

In my prayers,
landslide

me(43)/WH(48)
married 23 yrs.
dday #1 12/94
dday #2 3/02 both EAs only?
recovering alone

Landslide,
Sometimes we have days when it looks like we've thrown all of our work out the window...Maybe we have, maybe not. It is so especially hard when we are trying to change ourselves and our patterns of behaviour...we should all have the right to a mentor or guidence counselor or something.
Yes, I too, have the problem of not being able to shut up. I think I could probably solve all of thw problems in the Middle East just by talking about them...until the cows come home.
I slept most of the afternoon...sleep is my great escape. I should have been working on my thesis but I needed an escape...and I am always so tired. I'm so looking forward to the end of the month when I get a long weekend for my b-day.
Hang in there Landslide...we're here/I'm here and may you find comfort in the support that this board gives. You are/will be in my prayers.
1Red

P.S. -- do something crazy. I have often wondered what would happen if I showed up to talk with my H wearing a big red clown nose and one of those rainbow afro wigs. Could he take me seriously??
I am at the point of throwing care/caution to the wind. You want a complete 180? I'll give you a 360!! May God keep me tethered to my sanity...some days I think I just may lose it.
Maybe it would be a good thing...
1Red