What are your experiences/thoughts about this MBers? This is the continuing story of the MIMI's NEW DEVELOPMENTS thread.

I'm still in PLAN A, right? My WS and I are negotiating his ending of the A, right? Since he has left home (which really pisses me off, by the way, but I'm not sharing this with him), I have been meeting his needs for CONVERSATION and ADMIRATIONf which I think he relied on the OW to do in the past. I had stopped meeting these needs. Now, I think that she is mainly being used for SF but not nightly. I know I'm analyzing this. However, I'm trying to understand how to proceed and what is going on. S He has called me everyday. Today he called me at work, really chatty about his new business venture, no R talk. He wanted me to know that he put Voice Mail on his cell phone so now I can leave a message when he doesn't answer.During his active A stage, I could never reach him on his cell phone. He gave me his schedule of whereabouts for tonight and tomorrow night. All of this was initiated by him, not done at my request.

He has a time limit of two weeks before I proceed with the separation agreement and when a NC letter is required. I do not call him. I told him that he needs to call me if he wants to talk. He did that today. He implied that he wanted to come by my office probably to leave Valentine stuff; asked me do my co-workers know about us? He also said today, "Things are really going to work out between us; I want you to know that". I still really don't trust him but now he has been consistent for 4 days.

How do I proceed? I am kind of feeling,like others have said here,that I am now the OW. Do I need to bring up what he's doing about her when he doesn't? He didn't mention that topic today. What do I need to do different?

Did any of you go through this? What worked for you?

Thanks

I too feel like the OW and not the wife. My H has been living with her for almost 2 months now, 2 weeks he came back. He wouldn't park his truck here so she didn't know he was here. I don't know what to do either. He has to sneak around when he is with me and I am getting sick of it. He just tells me he doesn't know what he wants. I told him he has till the end of this week to decide and if he decides her then I told him never to call or see me again. But we have 3 children so I don't know what to do in that situation. We will just have to go through someone else. I can't stand the fact that he comes here during the day and then at night he is with her sleeping in the same bed. It gets me sick. I got to start thinking of myself and stop making myself sick and try to get over him. How the heck do you throw 17 years down the tubes?

You need to be honest with him. Being honest about what you are feeling is never a LB if you don't make selfish demands or judgements or get angry and hostile.

I'd simply tell him that you are hopeful that the two of you can work things out, however it is painful to keep having these kinds of conversations about recovery and what needs to be done when he's not offering to tell you what part OW is playing in his life right at the moment and what exactly he's doing to extricate her from his life. If he's less than forthcoming then you are smart enough to figure the rest out. If he's being totally honest about wanting to come home and repair things then he has no reason to hide anything he does or thinks anymore.

I saw you post where he says he's going to use the same tactics to end the A as he was using to keep it going. This is not good. He needs to stop playing games with everyone, he's a grown man.

I would tell him that you are uncomfortable with any contact he has with her. There is no reason to wait 2 weeks for him to write a NC letter. If he wants to wait then I'd make my self scarce and ask him not to contact me until he's got his ducks in a row and is ready to act on a plan. It hurts too much to keep being a part of the drama. That kind of statement is matter of fact and calm and reasonable and about the new strong YOU.

Mimi,

A few things that trigger plan B ... first and foremost when you can't hold your LB, i.e you don't give a d@mn no more. Second when WS rejects your plan A outright and put NC with you (naturall plan B). Last when you are done with your plan A and WS acknowledge it but still havimg A in your face. You still have a long to go my dear to do plan B. Let me know if you think otherwise.

goldielocks109:
Samething apply to you too. I would check plan A lists and see if you are done with the issues. If you are done with it and WH still w/ the A and have no impact ... He is a cake eater. Look at your option of plan B or do tough love.

-rh-

Mimi,
Boy i was close to being where you are right now just a few weeks ago. I started feeling like the OW, wrote the plan B letter and that was it. Hubby knew his cake eating days were over.
Hope kept encouraging me and I finally realized I would honestly rather be alone than be treated like the OW.
It worked and we are baby stepping it 2 weeks into recovery. In fact I am printing out a few questionaires for us to fill out tonight.
Bottom line, draw your boundaries. You don't deserve to be treated like that. It is a hard thing to realize after being so battered in a sense by everything we have gone through that we do deserve better. Please set your boundaries and don't let yourself be used. If he is smart he will wake up and realize how lucky he is to have such a great woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Keep me posted sweety, email me anytime. mcmcfie@yahoo.com
Hugs to you
Layli

I want to do tough love, but need some advice on some ultimatums I can give him or how to go about it. I already told him if he doesn't decide what he wants by the end of the week I don't want to see or hear from him.

What I noticed is that the WS has a tendency to try to negotiate to delay the ending of the A. In a sense I had 3 Ddays- #1- the initial one, #2- evidence of continuing sexual phone conversations #3- evidence of continued phone contact after he'd broken off the A.

On Dday #1 he said he'd stop talking to her for a month (of course this didn't happen).
On Dday #2 he said he needed three days to think about it. Of course on the third day he hadn't decided. I pressed it and he decided to go see her to break it off. If I had known about MB then I would have said, I'll be changing the locks on the door while you are gone.
On Dday #3 he again needed three days to think about it and decide what to do. phone contact ended for good when I started packing his bags and calling a motel for a reservation. At which point he promised to never call her again. He was also humiliated by a phone message left on our home machine by OW's H which said why don't you act like a man not a coward? It was a phone message any of our children could have heard. My mistake was not forcing my H to leave and get serious about recovery.