I just talked to WW even though I'm supposed to be in plan B. She wrote me this letter and I told her what she would need to do for us to begin working on our M together. She asked for a little more time to get her own place (I don't want her to move back to the house for quite a while yet) so we'll see. Here it is:
H,
I should have told you where I'm at some time ago: I only started really knowing what I wanted about four of five days ago.I want to have a happy family, I want my children to be happy, but I also want to have a happy life myself. Your letter was nice and hurtful at the same time. I really do want to put my family back together because I really believe if you wanted to you could make me happy, I'm just really scared. The problems I am running into are questions in my head such as, can I trust what he says (and I realize this is a two way street), do I think I can live through more rejection if he doesn't keep our relationship right this time, does he want to get me back because I have started another relationship and he doesn't want to lose so to speak, can I ever get out of my head the fact that he said he can not deal with another betrayal because I really don't think he can so I feel that we are setting ourselves up for failure. We can't have family get togethers because I will NEVER feel comfortable around them again and I know how important they are to you so how can this all work out? It sometimes feels too broken to fix. I do love you and ALWAYS will that much I know! I could NEVER love anyone the way I love you. We have five great kids together and shared so much I just don't know how we can ever be right again and that really hurts. A hurt like I have never felt in my life. A hurt that makes me want to die because I think that is the only wat to get away from it. The last couple of days I have seriously been considering contacting my mother (you know I'm bad off when I say that) not because I want her wonderful advice but so that I can stay there instead of where I am. I'm not sure if I can do it or not but it has crossed my mind lately and one of those reasons is because I can't just move back home, that would be setting us up for a disaster of getting back into the same old routine of the past and
while we are being completely honest I don't know if I can just throw OM away or if like I said you are just trying to get me back because he exists. I don't love him like I love you but I do care for him and I'm sorry that it happened, for everyone involved. Well I will finish talking to you this evening, I hope this helps you see where I'm at and I want you to know I do enjoy spending time with you but I will also respect your wishes if you don't want to see me anymore. Thank you for all you've given me and I pray that somehow it will all work out.
Love forever, W
Well that's it. Lots of stuff about me being the one who has to show her, which is a joke. I don't see much here that gives me a lot of hope right now, but when I told her about NC with OM and the need to get into counseling right away, she seemed open to the idea. I don't know what to think.

She is far, far from making a committment to your marriage. She is still full of excuses about why it won't work and openly admits she is not done with the affair [or even remorseful about it]. When she starts talking about reasons why it WILL work, and what she will do to effect that, then you should take notice. Until then, just keep on keeping on, starman.

I think its wonderful that she is going to live with her mother. That will give her time away from the OM and give her a chance to suffer the consequences of her choices. You aren't there to enable her anymore so she is no longer protected from her very bad choices.
You are doing great!

Starman,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't see much here that gives me a lot of hope right now, but when I told her about NC with OM and the need to get into counseling right away, she seemed open to the idea. I don't know what to think. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you please reverse that cranial transplant you just had. You will see this situation much better.

This letter is pretty clear. If you had done what she has done you would be writing the same thing. You would not know how much she could really forgive. You would suspect that your in-laws would hate your guts for hurting their little girl. You wouldn't want to hurt the OW any more than you have to. You would feel extremely guilty, and you would have a hard time seeing how she could get over what you had done to her.

The answer to her letter is really simple. I love you. I will do the best I can to rebuild this marriage with you. LET'S TALK...ALOT.

It is that simple. It is NOT easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think it is appropriate for me to now tell you a joke.

A cowboy is settling himself on a bull. He is wrapping and rewrapping the rope around his hand, getting it tighter and tigher. His friend is holding the lead on the bull and telling him. "Ok, this is really simple. All you have to do is stay on the bull 8 seconds and you win the championship. You have enough points that no one can catch you, if you just stay on."

Two old cowboys are sitting the fence near the pen where the cowboy on the bull is. One turns to the other and says, " That boy is about to learn the difference between simple and easy."

Starman, that letter seems to me a very good one. She does love you. She is frightened to death. She knows if it were her, she would be seeking retribution from you. Probably try to make your life hell for what you had done to her. She expects the same from you.

If you love her, and you want to have a good marriage, then your path is straightforward (aka simple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). It won't be easy, but you can do this.

When you have the temptation to sort of let her have it for all of the pain she has caused, just repeat to yourself this saying by Shaw: "The best revenge is a life well lived." Believe me the better you make the marriage the more she is going to hurt.

Now go back and really reread that letter. Carefully, your plan for rebuilding your family is all there. You just have to cull it out, and use it. It is simple. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

PS: After all of that I forgot to add the part that is most important. The TALK ALOT has to come when OM is out of the picture. She does need to hear IF you do communicate with her that you do still love her and want the marriage. It is really going to be her call. But, this letter is a good thing. It is the start.

<small>[ February 10, 2003, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

thanks for the opinions JL and Melody. Your both right. I guess I'm being a little too negative because I know there's such a long way to go, but Melody is right in that she hasn't really committed to anything yet. It is a small start in the right direction I guess. I never expected anything this fast after the plan B letter so the whole thing got me freaked out a little. Any other opinions out there?

Sorry, but my opinion is pretty much the same as MelodyLane. When she starts saying WHY IT CAN WORK then you can talk. Her letter to your Plan B sounds like a guilt trip for you to feel sorry for her and start supporting her. Stick to your Plan B! She still hasn't realized what she has lost, she just realizes that you are tired of being an enabler.

starman:

I was going to jump all over you about this - "Lots of stuff about me being the one who has to show her, which is a joke. I don't see much here that gives me a lot of hope right now, but when I told her about NC with OM and the need to get into counseling right away, she seemed open to the idea. I don't know what to think." - but JL beat me to it. JL has acres of wisdom, whereas I'm just a wiseacre! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But I disagree with him on his PS. Why? because my W is still in contact with her OM, and I can STILL make progress, hoping for the day that she'll offer him up for a good old fashioned Aztec sacrifice! And that truly will be the best way for it to go down - for HER to decide to do it, not for ME to "make her" do it.

Your WW isn't back home, so she's already got the incentive to jettison the OM in place. I would communicate all you can, but leave NC out there as a condition for her return home.

I read a LOT of hope in that letter, like JL did. There's also a lot of confusion, which is entirely understandable, and very predictable, based on similar statements from fogged WSs on this forum.

But this from you: "Lots of stuff about me being the one who has to show her, which is a joke."

Bull feathers. This is NOT a joke, this is your life! You have just as much responsibility to show her that reconciliation is possible as she does. And SHE is in the fog, remember? You will have to take the initiative, because she may not be able to.

"I don't see much here that gives me a lot of hope right now, but when I told her about NC with OM and the need to get into counseling right away, she seemed open to the idea. I don't know what to think."

That she's open to the idea of counseling is a BIG DEAL. Don't walk, RUN to the nearest GOOD counselor. You two can be survivors if you want to be.

-ol' Qfwfq

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I really appreciate it. I know this is a little baby step in the right direction but I've been slapped down too many times to allow myself to be the least bit hopeful about it. Time will tell if her actions match her words.