How bad is a revenge affair and do you know if they ever work out or last?

goldielocks109,

I know nothing about revenge affairs, but I do know that 2Xwrong doesn't equal right.

Definitely a LB.

Sounds like a step down to their level,IMVHO.

landslide

Goldie,

It is just as bad as the original, except that it was done to "intentionally hurt" another person. Often the original affair was not done to hurt the innocent parties, that is why they are kept secret.

So if you plan or someone you know is planning to have a revenge affair and rub someone's nose it it, think again. If the person is not planning on telling, how can it be revenge?

It is a really bad idea, and it makes bad situations worse. The only "good" news if you call it that is now both parties are on the same moral level: low. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If you want to fight fire with fire, leave him/her (depends on who we are talking about). Emotionally that is what they did. The difference is the wedding vows haven't been broken, and years later the person will be very happy that they didn't do the same thing.

Short answer: bad idea.

God Bless,

JL

Here's another vote for "bad idea."

Sure I thought about it. I bet every BS thinks about it. But that doesn't mean you should do it. Don't lower yourself to the same level as WS/OP. You are better than that. For me, I decided I needed to keep my self-respect at a time when my wayward fiance was not showing me respect.

I had an affair in August 2001, he lived away and I spoke to him on the phone. My H found out and then in June 2002 my husband started seeing someone while we were still married. Now he is living with her. He made it pretty obvious to everyone and took her out to bars where people knew us. He would do things right in front of my face. He says if I didn't do what I did he wouldn't be with her. He said he would never do that to me, but he did. So isn't this considered a revenge affair?

I'd like a little more information:

1. Did the two of you go to counseling after your affair ended?

2. Were you separated at the time of your H beganning his affair? (I realize you are now separated.)

3. Has anyone filed for divorce?

While many still believe that there should be no dating as long as you're still legally married...in this day...many feel that once they are separated or planning a divorce that dating is allowed. (I don't agree...but that is neither here nor there.)

IF...you and your H were still living together, still trying to work on your marriage and he then began an affair...Yes, this could be a revenge affair...or it could just be a plain old normal affair "where he wants what he wants, when he wants it" selfish general affair.

IF...you and your H were separated...he may not feel as if he is in an affair. Just a new relationship while the paperwork is done to end the marriage.

So while what he is doing is in my very humble opinion still an affair...he may not see it in that light.

Regardless...if he hasn't dealt with the issues which caused your affair, the breakdown of the marriage...his relationship with this woman is unlikely to have long term staying power. The one thing we always bring to each relationship is "me" and if we haven't done the work needed to improve "me"...we usually make the same mistakes we made in the last relationship.

Yes we were still together when his affair started. I thought we were doing ok, but I guess we weren't with him. We both went to a lawyer just for a consult. Neither of us pursued divorce yet, I am still hoping for a chance and he says he doesn't know what he wants.

Got to be honest here...doesn't sound like a revenge affair...just the everyday, heart destroying, soul crushing affair!

Since he seems to be somewhat sitting on the fence...is he willing to try marriage counseling? If not, you start counseling for yourself.

Good Luck!

We both go, but we go ourselves to different counselors, he doesn't want me to go with him at all, I just sit in the waiting room while he is in there. I honestly don't think it is working for him.

Looks like you guys have embarked on a 'false recovery' at the time and not addressing the fundamental issues. Question - did you acknowledge the hurt you have caused him? How? Maybe, that's a point were you could start to re-engage him. By admitting and acknowledging the hurt you have caused to him, by inference, he will start to think about the effect his actions have on you. Apart from your affair (was it one? How did it end? How long were you together? How did your husband take it?), could there have been other reasons for him to engage in an affair? By that I don&#8217;t mean that you forced him down that route, that was his and his alone decision, but were there any other possible contributing factors, like EN of his not being met?

I worked with the OM and there were never any feelings for him, he relocated to Fl with the same company I worked for. He moved in March of 2001, in July we started talking by email at work. I started having some feelings for him. The end of July he came into visit and I went out with him 1 night. Then in August 2001 I flew to Fl for 3 days then I realized it was more friendship and I regreted it. Even as I got on the plane and was too late to get off, I knew it was wrong to do what I was doing. For the 1st 5 years of my marriage with my H he drank alot and was an alcoholic and cheated on me numerous times with different girls. Then my H went into rehab and was sober for 6 1/2 years.I did talk to him a few times after that on the phone. My H found out about FL and going out with him in August. Also he found out about me talking to him in October, February and the lastest being December, when his dad died and he came in and called me 2x's one night, the 1st time I hung up on him the 2nd time I talked and met him for 15 minutes, but there is no feelings for him at all. I was in a bad car accident in December and he was calling to see how I was.
My H told me he met the OW in February but neve went out with her, in May she asked him to go out a couple of times, but my H and I were going on a cruise in a couple of weeks and he said he couldn't go out with her. Then a couple days later in June my H stared seeing her. My H kept on drinking off and on throughout the year secretly when I was at work and the kids were in school. The drinking got worse when he started going out with the OW. So from June until November I am pretty sure my H was seeing her. Her exhusband claims she they were even when I spoke to that guy again. My H denies it. Maybe not seeing her, but I am pretty sure they were still talking, because on Nov 8th my H had his brother call her and tell her he couldn't go out with her 1 night, because I was following him. Then on Nov 19th I was on my way to work and her exhusband called and said they were meeting that day that she told him, so I decided to call of work and went home and confronted my H and said she must be seeing someone else. Then from what I heard from her and her exhusband that the day after my accident my H called her, which he denies. Decmeber 16th is when I talked to the guy. My H found out he was in town and threatened me he was going to kill him and his family, so I denied talking to him until I knew for sure he left town, then I told him a couple days after the meeting. After the last time I talked to the guy in February I really was trying to work on our marriage, but he just kept on drinking and going out everynight just about. For 2 months from August until about the end of October my H refused to take me out anywhere he said he couldn't and didn't want to. Now I am seeing the light that pushed me away in the 1st place, he is a very irresponsible person when it even comes to the kids and you can not reason with him at all. You ask or try to talk to him about something and he gets mad easily and starts yelling or hangs up the phone. He is always right in his eyes. Like this morning I had an appoitment at 9:30 and the kids has a 2 hr delay, I called my H to see if he can come over to get his youger son on because he didn't get the bus until 10:00 and I had to leave at 9 for my appointment. My H told me to leave him home alone and being that he was 10 he could get the bus by himself. My younger son is very immature for his age and I don't think a 10 year old should be left alone to be able to get out the door and on the bus himself.

Also, yes I apologized and told my H how much I regreted it and I was truely sorry for the hurt I caused and tried to show him how much I love him, even now I show him how much I love him since he is living with her. When we got into the car accident I was picking my H up at a bar at 2:30 am and I said if I didn't do what I did it would have never happened, he wouldn't be drinking and we would be home. I never really told the guy I just stopped talking to him in February and it was the 1st time I talked to him since October, buy my H had the phone calls recorded that anyone ever made out of the house, he bought it a radio shack and that is how he found out I talked to him in Feb. The guy knew that I was working on my marriage and wanted my family in December when he called and I reminded him of that, he knew my H and I were still together. No one knew about my A with the guy, but my H let in be known about him and his girlfriend. He didn't try to hide it.

gl:

"He says if I didn't do what I did he wouldn't be with her."

Has he told HER this? What an empty basis for a relationship!

Please hang in there. If you're still M'd, and each of you is reluctant to DV, there may be a good reason - you still have something worth saving.

I wish you both all the best,
-Qfwfq

Ok now how does this sound? This morning my kids had a 2 hr delay, because of snow and I had a drs appointment at 9:30, I called my H at his girlfriend's house to ask him if can come over to see our younger son out, because I had to leave at 9 and his bus wasn't going to be here till 10:05. He is 10 years old. My H said no, he could wait there himself until the bus comes. My H said I will call him to make sure he goes out. He is only 10 years old, so I cancelled my appointment. I called my H a little after 10 and I asked him if he called and he said no did you? Then I said yea, because I cancelled my appointment. Well he started yelling at me because it was an appointment from a car accident we had. Then he said you could have went and told the dr hold on I have to make an important phone call. It was for physical therapy so I highly don't think I could have called and plus I refuse to leave my 10 year old home alone and trust him anyway to get the bus on time. Then my H had a psychologist appointment today at 11 and I went with him. After the appointment we were going out to eat lunch and he was in his truck and I was in my car. We stopped at a stop sign and guess who I saw behind us his girlfriend. Well then he drove a little and she called on his cell phone and he called me after he got off the phone with her and said don't follow him keep on going and I said no I am your wife and we are still married and we were suppose to go out to eat to talk. So I followed him into a parking lot, she parked her car and got in his truck and they drove off.
Then I go to my son's school to get his report card and my son is very smart. Well he got an "F", and went down 2 grades in every subject just about. I called my H and he said well I will have to talk to him tomorrow. Then my son said dad called from a Kathy's house, it was on the caller ID and I told my H and he just said oh I forgot. I totally give up on my marriage, I don't really think it can be saved now.

gl:

Well, to be honest it sounds like stupid, but not atypical WS behavior. He may grow out of it someday, but that doesn't mean you should be there waiting for him to do so.

Take care,
-ol' Qfwfq

On top of the typical EN/A stuff, what your H is doing sounds like a really immature way of either punishing you, avoiding recovery, or testing your love. And throw in the possibility that he is intentionally manipulating this OW.

Would you consider just ending any Plan A intentions and letting him go either in some Tough Love or Plan B version? Granted this is casual forum advice (my advice, not others), but you gotta wonder if you would have the patience and strength to start (or await) recovery from where your H is at this point.

Practically speaking from a less-drastic POV, setting up more boundaries might be useful. And not because he needs to get over your A or the A was past, but because you want to recover the marriage but it isn't going to happen without some basic requirements.

Dang, I keep providing unsolicated advice. Back to your original question.... perhaps the only thing with a smaller chance of success than an A is a revenge A with a repentant WS.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Tonight I went by the OW's apartment and my H and her were moving out and moving somewhere else. He never told me, I have no idea where he is moving. He has 3 children and I think I have a right to know where he is. Don't I?