I did eventually get to plan B, however, I never did get to writing a letter. I spoke to my H about my love for him, and my inability to control my LBing actions. And because of that, I was going to move to plan B, and limit all contact with him, except for minimal contact due to visitations with the boys.
The very next day, my plan B began. H came to the house to pick up Eric for a day of visitation (it was lousy weather, H had no money, and he tried to get me to help him with 'what to do?' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I told him it was up to him, then closed the door! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).
I was planning on working on a plan B letter, and giving it to him at a later date.
H returned home with Eric that night. He was VERY anxious to talk. One of the things he asked me was how I would feel if we were to both pack up our things, and just leave London, and move somewhere else. And thus, "recovery" began.
Your guidelines to your plan B letter should be based on it being a love letter, because in essence, that is exactly what it is.
I did what I call a "pre plan B" letter to my H last spring though.... after some more porn resurfaced. In that letter, I was rather demanding, and focused on my boundaries. It's when he crossed those boundaries in Oct 2002 that I left him (for the shelter).
Here's a link to that letter:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=017646#000000(sorry... I don't know how to shorten it! lol).
The fact that my H is a sex addict, didn't REALLY sink in until after he crossed the boundaries in October. What helped me the most, was reading the book "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. I highly suggest you borrow it from the library (or buy it if you can find it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), and see a bit more of how your actions and reactions were based on your H's addiction. It may surprise you. It won't excuse your behaviours, but it will at least give you some extra insight as to why you did what you did (and I'm not simply referring to your A).
If you choose to mention your H's addictive behaviours, that's fine. HOWEVER!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , be sure to use plenty of "I" statements, and do your best to avoid LBing (disrespectful judgements especially).
I hope I have answered some of what you wanted to know. Those of us who have SA's as spouses have a MUCH heavier task on our hands... but it's most important for us to realize that our S's behaviours have NOTHING to do with us!! THAT's the hardest part about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But we can still plan A our hearts out... b/c we need that for our own healing anyways. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Karen
