Wifey:

I have a question. My wife and I have been married for four years. She left the house and moved to her parents on 09-17-02 and said that she was "leaning towards divorce."

She totalled her car the week later. She then bought a new car on her own, and scheduled a meeting with me at my Pastor's home saying she was going to file on Friday, 10-25-02. She didn't. On Monday, she had me sign over the check for her totalled car and asked me to go golfing on Thursday. She flaked out.

The next week, she said that she wanted to go to dinner. We went, and she was in a bad mood. I ended the dinner early. Later in the week, she left a terse message insisting she needed disclosure paperwork ASAP. I asked her to tell me what she needed. Her lawyer sent me a letter advising me what she was intending to do.

I didn't contact her again until Thanksgiving, after she'd called me to wish me a happy one.

On 12-09-02, I noticed she'd crashed her new car. I dropped by her parents' house, and she said that she'd filed on 12-02-02, but was waiting to serve me. She said that she would go to marriage counseling but not pull the papers. She tried to serve me, giving me an "unlimited amount of time respond" -- so I asked her what it meant. She got upset, so I walked out, after getting upset, too.

I was served on 12-17-02, requesting I respond by 01-20-03.

On 12-16-02, she dropped by the house to pick up her mail, saying she was being deployed to Bosnia. She said that she thought that it was God's way of saying she shouldn't do this. We had a decent conversation, and I told her that as to the D, she'd have to do everything, since I believe it's sin. She said she understood. I told her that she could either do everything before she left, or wait until she returned from Bosnia.

She came by Christmas Eve, and said that her lawyer told her we could be final by 06-19-03, but the property couldn't be divided until Bosnia was done. I told her I wasn't interested in being partners with her, as I believed in reconciliation. She promised to go to counseling, but said we couldn't fix this marriage. She said I could only remember the good things in our marriage, and she could only remember the bad.

The day after Christmas, I lost my temper and told her that she could be final by 06-19-03 only if she walked. She got upset.

On 01-02-03, I had a revelation as to ALL of my LB's during our marriage. I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit, and called her to apologize for not being affectionate during the last year.

On 01-05-03, we met and we agreed to put the D on hold until she returned from Bosnia. I told her I would retire more debt and give her 50% of the equity on her return, rather than what she was entitled to on 09-17-02. I told her since I didn't give her a good marriage, I would give her a good D. She agreed.

I responded to her petition on 01-16-03, denying the allegations of irreconcilable differences, and indicating that I felt there was reasonable chance of reconciliation.

We talked again on 01-17-03 and I said that I would meet her after drill if she wanted. She said that she would consider it. She never called.

She left for Germany on 02-01-03. She didn't call me for my birthday.

On 02-07-03, I intercepted email from OM confirming a sexual A that I suspected for the last year. He said he wanted to "lick her and have her c*me in his mouth." I saved the email and forwarded to my Pastor, who knows her Pastor/father very well.

My Pastor said I should confront them in a loving way. I did, and of course, WW responded with righteous indignation that I had violated her privacy by reading her email. She said that her A was none of my business, since she had filed and was intending to go through with it.

I responded that God didn't care when she filed, but since she was still legally and spiritually married, her behavior constituted adultery. I told her she needed to confess and repent in order to be forgiven.

She said she would talk to me when she returns from Germany around 02-21-03.

I felt justified that the M breakdown wasn't all my fault, since I knew she'd lied multiple times about her activities. I had multiple red flags, including the traditional, "Don't you trust me?"

Today, the OM called me at home and said he was WW's best friend for some time, but their relationship only became physical recently. He said he fell in love with her in late November of 2002. He said he loved her. I asked if he realized his friendship with her contributed to the breakdown on my M. He said it was between WW and me. I asked if he realized that he was harming her spiritually by engaging in sexual activities while she was still legally and spiritually married. He said he didn't know anything about that and hung up.

I would consider their "friendship" an EA. If they were best friends, how come I never met him? I think the time frame is pretty tight for falling in love by accident.

As a Christian, I am of the opinion that she must confess and repent her sin in order to receive forgiveness. Repenting in this case involves reconciliation. I'm taking the Hosea approach, that while I have the right to file, I am not obligated to file. I feel Jesus overruled Moses, when Jesus said our hearts should be soft as to adultery.

I think she will talk to me during her three week touchdown before Bosnia. I figure she has two options for D: Walk away, or hash it our when she returns. I pray the Holy Spirit convicts her while she's away in Bosnia.

The playboy OM will likely cheat on her during her deployment. I am committed to Hosea's example on this matter, as she is a minister's daughter and professes to be a Christian (though her actions belie her faith). I am reaffirmed in faith daily, and know that she is worth saving from this nightmare she has created.

I am thinking of going completely dark, even when she is here -- since she's probably still indignant, and I can't work on depositing LU's while OM is in the picture. I have to "be still" until she gets back in Jan. 2004.

What is your take on this situation?

awake, first let me say I'm sorry I missed this post...thanks for directing me.

As for my take!!!! Am not really for sure what question you have for me, but will do my best. If I missed the point, just let me know, I'll try again.

So often when the WS is the woman, it is often, NOT always, more of an exit affair. (It seems that men are much more likely to have affairs with no wish to end the marriage at all.) I don't know what she felt was basically wrong in the marriage, rather it's all re-writing histroy to justify her actions or what. But, there is a much more real danger here that she truly wants out of the marriage.

NOW...this doesn't mean that she can't change her mind. Nor does it mean that you did anything at all which could be considered wrong in the marriage. It just means that for/in her, there was something wrong.

As to where her head is now: Sounds very confused, not sure what she wants or how she wants it. She's not willing to face those unwise choices she has made in the past, or the ones she is continuing to make, so she's in denial of what she knows is true, but will not admit. (The affair)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a Christian, I am of the opinion that she must confess and repent her sin in order to receive forgiveness. Repenting in this case involves reconciliation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I certainly agree that she needs to confess and repent....I don't agree that it must lead to reconcilation...altho, I understand this is what you would like to have happen. But God's forgiveness is not based on if your marriage survives or not. jmho

If she's gone until next year, after the three weeks at home before deployment, then yes, the affair, even if not ending right away, will most likely end. That doesn't necessarily mean that she will then want to reconcile, but it might lead to reconcilation.

IF you take this time of forced separation and work on YOU, then no matter what happens, you'll become a healthier person and a better partner for the future.

During the three weeks when she is home...I would NOT "go dark" or Plan B...I'd be as positive as possible, I'd be loving and supportive and always open to letting her know that you are wanting to rebuild your marriage with her. I would do NOTHING that might push her into going ahead with the divorce. She's agreed to wait until she returns home, I wouldn't rock that boat. jmho

Of course, all of this depends greatly on what you and what she wants. If you want to save your marriage, if your willing to wait for a year to see where it might end or begin, then you must wait until she's finished overseas. This doesn't mean that you won't change your mind, or that she won't before that year is up, but it does give you some breathing room in which to work on those things you feel need addressing.

You can ALWAYS deposit LU if you choose to do so. Try to keep focused on the positives of your marriage, even if to do so means that you discuss the good years, not the recent past. Avoid as much as possible discussing anything having to do with OM, her affair, her lies, her need for confession and repentence. Don't rub her nose in it! She really does know that she's wrong...you trying to force feed her this knowledge will only backfire on you. Stay positive...not negative. You've got only three weeks in which to show her what she could well be throwing away if she continues on her chosen path...don't blow it. When she leaves for deployment...make sure she has good thoughts about you and the two of you together.

Good Luck!

Wifey:

Thanks for the input. I'll have to see if she contacts me after this Friday. I understand the MB concepts pretty well, and just finished SAA.

Basically, it's about being understanding, loving, and saying I'll be here if she needs me. Then, I have to let her go and let the A die a natural death. I pray that its demise induces a conversation, which may lead to some resolution, even if reconciliation doesn't happen.

Actually, I know now the EA part has been going on for at least a year. The OM confirmed they've been BEST FRIENDS for that long. Last year, at her work Christmas party, it seemed like OM was coming onto her, and she didn't mind. I knew that they'd been drinking buddies for some time. She told me she'd been doing a lot "work bonding," while I was at school, or working OT, which I chalked up as a phase. She even said, "You trust me, don't you?"

In Jan/Feb of last year, I learned that she'd lied about working overtime when she'd actually gone dancing with "friends" (and he was present). I just couldn't confront with any proof -- and she would have denied it anyway.

She started working a lot of last-minute overtime during the summer, months before she left. Suddenly, she couldn't control her schedule or work hours at all. She was never home. It got worse. Several friends of mine saw her being "chummy" with this OM many months before she left.

When she left, she said that she "couldn't trust me not to hurt her emotionally again." She said I didn't listen enough to her work stories, wasn't affectionate enough, that I was too strong a personality. That's all she said. I even asked if there was someone else, and asked specifically about him. She denied it. She said that she could never have another relationship. Right.

I always wondered how she could claim I was trying to control her, when she was out constantly. If I was controlling, I wasn't doing it very well. It was classic manipulate the BS, to get what you want.

Suddenly, this friend started appearing at someo of her girlfriends' functions and he's the same guy who was spotted all year. I'd been thinking I have to win her back with MB principles, got closer to God. The spiritual growth is going very well -- and my Pastor tells me something big will happen soon.

The next day, the proof came in. She'd set up a military email account, forgetting she set it up years ago to forward it to her home account. OM is a really classy guy, telling her how horny he is.

I praise God I found Jesus before I found out.

Now, I know why she was being so difficult all the time this last year. She was TRYING to press my buttons, so she could use it as a reason to leave. She'd already set up the alibi to her family, so they'd take her side, even if there are no spiritual grounds for a divorce. She'd lied to them about the OM, too.

When I finally confirmed the "friend" was more than a friend, and after reading SAA, it's clear that this has been going on for some time. She's been lying to friends and family that it was all my fault, even though her reasons seemed thin to all involved. She said all of the denial catch phrases we find on SAA.

I know that the reason she hasn't moved any of her stuff, is that I was her safety net, until OM said he loved her, which he claims was the week before she filed. Right. He'd been omnipresent for months before that.

There was a parasite on my relationship. Is there any wonder I couldn't effect any improvements, even when I WAS trying to listen and be affectionate? I was hardly perfect, but I was generous and tried to take care of her. I admit I got too focused on work, OT and school -- fixing up the new house we bought right before the EA started.

Reading the recovery section in SAA definitely gives me hope -- but we'll see when the A ends if it induces a possible reconciliation.

Nothing left to do but wait...

Thanks and God Bless!

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: awake ]</small>