I had an affair with the preacher of the church where I am the accompanist. The affair ended ( his idea) on May 25, 2001. I have since reconcilated with my FS and have tried to move on with my life. But there is not a day go by that I don't think about him, wonder if he is still thinking about me, also I wonder if he will ever contact me again. And what if I contact him, would he be upset or mad. He wrote me a letter to end the affair. He apparantly got advise from MB on how to do that because the good bye letter is real similar to the a one published in How to end an affair. I told the story about the affair in more detail under "planA/B under the topic "not a day goes bye that I don't think of him" I don't think that was the area I needed to be in, but since I am new to MB I was sure where my feelings belonged. '

Thanks

paw,

You must have misstyped the address. This is marriagebuilders.com; not marriagewreckers.com.

You should be working on your marriage. Not contacting the OM.

I am sorry to hear that you still miss the OM. You do sound very unhappy.

However, you have to respect his wishes to leave him alone. He is married to someone else, and I'm guessing has a family with someone else. Your A with him was a mistake, at least from his perspective (he ended it, didn't he?).

Also, you owe it to your H to let him know that you are not happy in your marriage with him. Does he know about your A from 2001?

I am sorry I can't say anything encouraging, but really, you won't find anyone on MB who will tell you to go run after the OM, and leave your H behind.

Maybe you need to seek out some counselling to help you get over OM, especially if you still think about him daily so long after the end of the A. You may also need to seek out some MC, or reconsider your marriage altogether.

So in short, give up on OM. He's not a possibility. And seek some counselling!

Jen

paw, if you're lucky, he won't come back - ever.

Did you not learn anything? I'm not trying to insult you, believe me, but do you not understand that affairs are wrong? Are you the married one, or he, or both?

This is what you need to do: cold turkey withdrawal. Nada, nothin', zip, zilch, zero. It'll enable the rest of your life.

Unbelievable, that you can address something like that here, when all these great people are in a situation because of acts like this. How terribly sad of you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think that was the area I needed to be in, but since I am new to MB I was sure where my feelings belonged. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">\

Edited: I do feel that the feelings PAW wrote about are VERY HARD for BS... especially NEW BS to swallow... I think we tend to YELL @ the Wanderer and not understand COMPASSIONATELY where they are...

I also should NOT have posted the link, as it was also hurtful to new BSs.
Cali

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Cali ]</small>

Cali-

I will never forgive you for posting that link!!

Or will I never forgive myself for being curious enough to take a look!!

I guess I'll blame me since we can't control others, that site makes me absolutely nauseous...

Cali!! Why'd you do that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Cali-

I will never forgive you for posting that link!!

Or will I never forgive myself for being curious enough to take a look!!

I guess I'll blame me since we can't control others, that site makes me absolutely nauseous... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sadinaz -- I feel exactly the same way --

I kept hoping there would be something redeeming -- soemthing that would say "LOOK we are SELFISH and we are causing pain to others and ourselves. Let's stop."

Maybe it was there but I had to leave and vomit before I found it.

Cali -- there are now two people irritated with you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LOL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
<strong>paw,

You must have misstyped the address. This is marriagebuilders.com; not marriagewreckers.com.

You should be working on your marriage. Not contacting the OM.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sorry, didn't mean to upset anyone. I was mainly trying to identify get some help on why these feelings still come to surface at time.

Thanks for you replies

Indentify and..,

paw: Have you read "Surviving An Affair", by Harley? It will explain a lot. "Torn Asunder", by Carder, is good, too. Have you told your husband, or are you unmarried?

I swear I oly hit the button once!!

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Paw, it is my opinion that you are going through withdrawl, and still living in the "fog",,,,,,it is very normal,,,except that yours seems to have lasted far longer than normal,,,,if I were you, I would be tempted to see my doctor for some Antidepressants,,,,they might make a world of difference,,,also, read some of Steve Harley's books on the subject of affairs,,,,in almost ALL cases they end after just a few months,,,since your affair was ended by the OM, I am kind of wondering if you are keeping the fantasy of how wonderful the love was alive in your head,,,,it wasn't wonderful,,,you had the potential to hurt a great many people, not the least of which is YOURSELF. Do yourself a favor, get some AntiD's, see a therapist, and do some reading about Dr Halrey's principals,,,,perhaps you will be able to see clearly enough to try and save your own marriage when the fog lifts,,,,,good luck to you ,,,,Holly

The important thing is to not act on inappropriate feelings.

AAARRRGGGGHHHH, what are you people saying? K, I think your response was way below your usual standards of compassionate teaching while holding the line on morality. We have taken a sinner and thrown her to the lions (glory board) instead of moving her along the path to righteousness and restoration of her marriage. Where would you rather have her hanging out? What lessons would you rather she learn? Ours or theirs? How would Steve or Jen have handled her question? I doubt that they would have pointed her to Glory Board or told her (in so many words) to get out of here. A question like hers is bound to trigger many of us BSs, but if we have learned our Plan A, we have learned how to have strong negative emotions and still respond in a constructive, relationship-building way.

Let's get one thing straight--any pastor who engages in sexual relations with any member of his flock has commited a grave sin beyond just adultery. Because of the inherent power issues it is almost always a form of abuse, a hideous and evil violation of trust--just as when a psychologist sleeps with a patient. In my mind it is just cause to remove him from pastoral care for a long enough time for him to straighten out his life, his marriage and most importantly HIS WALK WITH GOD.

Paw, that is not meant to let you off the hook. You are an adult and accountable for your actions. You had many other choices than to engage in an affair. You must accept accountability for your wrong actions--whether or not you remain in your marriage.

Paw is back in her marriage, but apparently not emotionally reconnnected as she still struggles with feelings for her ex-lover. Truth be told many of our spouses still struggle with feelings for their ex-OP. An affair is a fantasy world and marriage is real life. We all know that and we all know fantasy is attractive or Walt Disney wouldn't be so rich, porn wouldn't exist, marriages would all be strong and healthy. Sin is often attractive.

Paw, IMO, it seems very important for you NOT to act on your feelings in this case. Your affair was wrong; the pain you caused your H, the pain you and exOM caused to his wife are pains that will last (probably) for the rest of their lives. If there are children involved it is even worse--it is now a cross-generational issue and you and he are teaching children some very warped values. If you have children, when they grow up and marry do you want them to do what you have done? Do you want someone to do to them what you have done to your pastor's wife?

It seems to me that your attention is turned in the wrong direction. You need to be looking at how to improve the marriage you are in or to make the determination to end your marriage and set your H free of this pain. It is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG to enter into a new relationship while you are still involved in another.

We all know here that women who stray usually do so due to a much more deeply seated unhappiness with their marriage. It seems many men can consider themselves happily married and still stray. When a woman strays there is often a much stronger emotional component to the infidelity.

When someone like Paw has returned to the marriage and healing hasn't happened my first question is why? Is there abuse or alcoholism in the marriage? Does her husband continuously berate and punish her for her affair? (Hey, there is a time and place for all BSs to be pissed as hell, but there is also a time when many cross over into verbal/emotional abuse. I know, I've been there--done that.) There are many reasons for continuing unhappiness and my bet is that the marriage still is not good and that is why she continues to long for the comfort that her affair brought her--no matter how wrong that affair was. The devil has many pleasing shapes. Sometimes he can even look like your pastor.

Paw, there are many, many ideas on this site on how you could improve your marriage. The Harleys have great ideas for recovering marriages after an affair. Please find the questionnaires on Love Busters, Emotional Needs, etc. Learn about the Harleys basic principles and apply them to your marriage. It doesn't matter if it is the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse who initiates true healing, but it must be done if the marriage is to thrive.

Paw, you will find no support here for continuing your affair but you will find a lot of support if you turn and begin to work on your marriage.

I wish you Shalom, God's peace and His wholeness,
MJ

Just my two cents here. Take it for what it's worth. PAW comes here to express her feelings and some of you slap her across the face. What the heck is up with that. This is a reason why I sometimes think that this is no place to have my FWW come to for support. My wife still has feelings for OM and that is normal. What the heck would you have told her?

Look this place is for people to ask heartfelt questions and hopefully get some realistic but positive feedback. We don't have to agree with them but essentially some of you may have just pushed her away. What good will that do.

Sorry to get on my high horse. You know that really isn't me but we should at least applaud PAW for having the guts to come here.

I agree. What is gained by villifying paw for coming here? Because that's what it was.

I'm a BS with compassion and empathy for my WW's inability to let go of her OM, even though she hasn't seen him in a year and a half. She still says that she'll always care for him.

I can either accept that for now, try to explain how and why I love her anyway, or blow off the M and call it quits. Throw her at the [censored]. In fact, I felt like doing that this morning after a discussion about it, but calmed down when she thanked me, just before leaving for work, for being honest with her about my feelings.

paw: Welcome to MB!!! Please continue to post your story, okay?

-ol' Qfwfq

sorry if I offended anyone...

I will admit to posting there... at first in anger... but it became a place for me to learn and understand MORE of what my H was going through... and a place where I could quit dehumanizing the OW... I can feel indifference.... my anger is dissipating.

However, many there would give PAW the same message:
Quit focusing on the OP... the WH... the BS and GET YOURSELF TOGETHER...

I don't think that many BSs here can UNDERSTAND the agony PAW feels and what PAW posts REALLY hurts BSs... especially those who have RECENTLY discovered they are BSs. ...so why post it here? or maybe why respond...

You are not ready to be COMPASSIONATE to a Wanderer who is hurting.

The two realities exist. Our spouses were Other People. And, no, I don't AGREE w/ some OW/MM there... but I also don't agree w/ everyone that posts here. So... I don't get involved w/ those posts or posters.

Cali

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: Cali ]</small>

PAW

I've had years of experience posting to OW on another message board. The deal is this ... you CAN talk yourself out of those feelings!!! You NEED to talk yourself out of those feelings.

Feelings are NOT concrete. Feelings are electrical impulses in your nervous system. If you put in the effort, you can re-route those electrical impulses, and get some new and different feelings!

Start here

List all the ways in which being the "other woman" has hurt you.

For example:

1. Being on hold with my plans until he can get away.
2. Watching him shower off my smells as he leaves to go home to his wife and family.

These are just a small example of very, very negative things you NEED to highlight in your memory banks in order to re-route the electrical and neurochemical impulses in your brain.

Make a really long list of all the crummy things you put up with and did in order to become "the other woman"..... Also, look at that phrase ... "THE OTHER WOMAN" .... how demeaning is that! Not good enough to be the woman he's married to, but good enough to lie with and seduce for selfish pleasure.

You NEED to de-glamorize the relationship in order to move on.

Force yourself to do this. It will hurt, and make you feel dirty ... but, it is a doorway to a healthier and cleaner life with less stupid regrets over a man who treated you as "other" rather than as "special" the way you deserve to be treated.

REMEMBER THIS......He may have told you that you were *special* to him ~~~~ but his actions were not respectful nor honorable. MEN LIE TO GET WOMEN WHO ARE NEEDY AND LONELY TO SLEEP AROUND WITH THEM!

Make your list of ways you were humiliated and get started re-wiring your brain to experience new and better feelings!

PS~~~~ HOw about listing your relationship with God as one of the many things you sacrificed in order to be "the other woman"???? How bad is that?

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>