At least 2 and maybe more, somewhat negative people I know, have advised me that my wh's counseling efforts may not be sincere.

Is this something others have heard. I know him better than both of these sources, and I think he is sincere... we aren't there yet, but 2 months of counseling is helping out.

We have a date tomorrow for dinner .. at the church, a couples Valentine dinner, with christian comedy. WH wants to know what kind of comedy christian comedy is.. but ... I do think it will be good... hoping we might take in the art museum as well this weekend, as my parents are taking the kids on sat.

Anyway, opinions wanted on negative mindset.

One of these people is my Mom, who is very very against me taking him back- due to his lies, etc.

Another is my friend, an attorney, who seems negative in his outlook period, and who might have a vested interest in my filing, dollars in his pocket.... but seems to be a friend.. anyway.
He is divorced and somewhat jaded.

Anyway, thoughts?

My other friends, and even the counselors are hopeful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So am I! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Honey

Honey,

More qualified and experienced people than me will soon come to your rescue.

But here's my 2 cents worth. Everyone out there is a counselor, a friend, Dear Abby and the like. My best advice to you is go with what you know. No one knows your H better than you do. If his actions are sincere to you then that is what matters. Most of the well meaning people have not been put in our position.

How many times did you tell your WH "if you have an A it's over"? You were sincere with that statemet at the time it was made. But, when it actually happened and what did you do? Lord, knows my W and I said this to each other many times but when her A came to light my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't let it be over. I love her and still want to be married to her. It's up to you to decide when he is or isn't being sincere. Take advice with a grain of salt. Good Luck.

Therod

I'm having the same problem with my mother. I've decided to limit my contact with her right now. We know our husbands better and have to trust our instincts.

Honey,

take all advice with a grain of salt...
people who advise caution do so out of not wanting to see you hurt...

And honey expect it from you mom but set limits and boundaries on what you will discuss with her....

You are so adorably sensitive...a doubled edge sword at times...(lord knows I've been on both sides with you.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tell your husband that God has the best sense of humor of all....ever try to convince a three year old in a rational manner why candy is not an appropriate breakfast food....Each time it happens heaven knows I pray to God...and bet money he is sitting back just smiling...

keep on your path Honey...work on you...focus on you...you have grown in leaps and bounds...
ARK

Honey - you hit a spot that we talked about in group therapy tonight. Your mother for one doesn't want to see you hurt again. She is just protecting her daughter, when you are older and have a daughter your age, I am sure you would do the same. Just as long as she is doing it with care and love. Just tell mom, I love you mom, and I will keep your advice with me, but I have to do what I think is best and my heart is telling me.

As far as the attorney, I would guess that there might be an interest in the pocket too. I would go with what the counselor is telling you. If the counselor feels he is giving it a good shot, then go with that. Counselors deal with people all the time and many situations. Go with what you feel is your husbands heart.

Don't make a mistake because of all the Dr. Abbys around. And if it should fail, than you gave it your best.

The dinner sounds really great. I would go, have a great time, tell him you love him, and see if anything else happens. As far as the art exhibit, that sounds great. Have you looked into colors, and what colors mean? Does your husband know about colors? I would look at some of the 'unreal pictures', and ask him what he sees. Ask him what is the purpose of the colors in this picture. You know the pictures that could be anything. And that way you both could see maybe a face, a tree, a large moon, or whatever. And that starts the conversation going, and then pointing to different parts of the picture that look like whatever. Take and afterwards, sit down at the little cafe, and have a cappacino together, and talk and look into your husbands eyes. I am a eye person. I love eyes, and always have. I love to look at ones eyes, and eyelashes, and the color of their eyes. I love to see their eyes, when they are tired, and the drowsy look comes on, or when they seem to be looking through you. Eyes are my weak spot.

Anyways, just enjoy yourselfs, enjoy the time together, knowing the kids are in good hands with grandmother, and you two could make time to have a little friendly fondling in the car, if it isn't too cold in your state.

I remember one time my husband and I were coming back from him taking a journeymans test. We stopped at a little town, and got something to drink. We came back to the vehicle, a van, and made out in the van. The van was moving some, and I laughed and thought what do these people think. Then we got out and went to get something to drink. And you know what, that was great, just great, no intentions, just spontaneous, and loving. Do something spontaneous, and loving. Just be there to show him that you love him.

Bye.

Honey,
I can only agree with what the others have said. DOn't listen to other people in your life too much.

I also want to say that as a former WS whose now divorced and wanting a second chance that I SO WISH my exH would try again, as you are trying. Please, if your husband is anything like me, I can assure you he has deep remorse for what he's done. People can repent and never repeat a huge mistake.

People tell me I'm nuts to even want a chance with exH. THey tell me that if I had an A, obviously the marriage was no good. This is all hogwash, but to outsiders they only have pat opinions for our type of situation.

I don't discuss my marital/divorce situation with many people, as I know that many people will only discourage me completely.

Go with your heart, Honey! I'm so happy that you and your hubby are working on it, together.

Have a beautiful Valentine's DAy,
H_P

Well Honey, people close to me think that I am one of the most positve people they know. You know, the glass is always full kind of guy...

So here is my 2 cents.

Judge sincerity by actions, not words.

For example. The good things that your H has been doing:

1. Going to counseling
2. Stopped the A
3. Spending time with you

Ths bad actions:

1. Still an actively drinking alcoholic
2. Not providing financially for his kids
3. Not showing remorse for his A

Of course you can add to these lists. When you are done, compare your list with the type of H you want to have.

Do you have sincerity? It is for you to answer.

Gib

PS - I am really not sure if an actively drinking Alcoholic can be sincere... Don't confuse moments of clarity with a long term heartfelt sincerity.

(of course JMHO!)

Thanks to all of you for the advice:

Therod,

Thanks for the reminder I told my h, if he had an A- our marriage is over, as he told me, but in reality now I don't feel that way, you are very right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> My mom prob. has that opinion....
Also thanks for reminding me they are just Dear Abby's with their own humble opinion.

Mimi1254,

My mom is very angry and to the point of verbal abuse with the things she says... I have told her I am going to work on this until I am satisfied and that I will not take him back without real changes. I think that helped a little. She did not seem to do well with the I don't want to talk about this with you... at least this week... but I am trying to stick to that. I had to tell her, I am ANGRY too mom - do you really think I like this???

Thanks ARK,

You helped me begin with these baby steps of progress I am making, I sincerely appreciate your comments and encouragement. Thanks for your compliment, I do take it that way, that I am sensitve, though sometimes too much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I do LOVE the Boundaries books! AWESOME help with my mom and my wh.

Hugs!

Faith4ME- Boy you have some encouragement in the LOVE Department this Valentines day , don't you! We have had some car fun too! I won't get too graphic, but that could be a possibility tomorrow. Tonite the kids are with us but with sitter. I am excited and will quit thinking about the past on our date tonite. I plan to reread your advice, as it may help a lot tonite!

Hopeful Person,

I do wish you luck with your hopes! Don't give up is all I can say- most would think I should of long ago, but I have hope. I REALLy appreciate your perspective from the ws point of view. I truly believe my husband loves me and this was a big mistake. I can see myself doing it- in his shoes.... THANKS and hope. Pray for your spouse, this seems to have a lot of power.

Hugs!

Gibby,

AWESOME as usual. YOu know I very much value your thoughts and opinions as you have been a drinker in the past.

ThANKS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think he is showing some remorse, and now, by court order, he is starting to provide a bit more for the kids- though not enough... The drinking is being cut back just a bit... at least he claims... so we are making progress.. but NOT THERE YET. Denial is his dear friend. I will put all this aside tonite for a nice vday dinner, at a nondrinking restaurant... church dinner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .
Thanks for the hope and the caution.

Hugs to all of you on VDay for your great support. It is diff. to have people you trust discourage your hope for your marriage.

Thanks again, Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Honey, the people who love us most are our families. My children also said divorce due to his treatment of me. YOu know what? They see it and have for years. They are right! If I had listened to them years ago, i would not have been hurt over and over again.
But we hold in there to save marriages and if your WH seems sincere, go the whole way with him because you're the one who has to decide.
AS Dr.Phil says, you can trust, not him, but yourself to handle whatever gets thrown at you by him. What he means is you can trust you to handle it and leave anytime if you find out he's lying to you.
Many give advice, and it sounds like it's only because they don't want to see us hurt more.
But sometimes we are so blinded by love, we don't see what they see.
The counselor doesn't know your S the way family does! And a WS can blow smoke up anyone's butt. Especially the counselors. They can convince them we're totally nuts for one.
So just go with it and be prepared for anything to happen. You're hoping for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Because a liar and deceiver as good as our WS's have been, they could fool anyone.
I'm giving it a chance, but trusting only me and God. Take it all with a grain of salt. Most BS's will do what they want anyway. No matter how much advice they receive.We hear what we want to hear, and go with that, and what we don't want to accept we throw out no matter how true it is!
God bless, LouLou