I've been here before. I used to be quite active, but I guess I haven't posted on here for a couple years. Don't see many names I recognize, which is good, but I'm back and I guess that can't be good.

Recap: January 8, 2000, I found out that H had an affair with a woman at work. Three more D-days (I don't even remember the dates), each time revealing more about his life. After the third one he went to counseling one time. I made the mistake of posting some of the things he shared here. He had posted here once, but wasn't a regular and I didn't know that he read anything I posted here. Seems he read it all. That's why I have the new name. He went ballistic when he saw that I, who had bent over backwards to remain anonymous and hadn't contacted anyone off the board for just that reason, had posted something about his report of his appointment that worried me. I deleted the post and didn't come back.

Well, it's not as though things became good at that point. He started keeping a negative balance in his Love Bank, and we all know that's trouble. I never came back here and talked about it, but I had an affair. Yeah, stupid, I know. I just wanted someone to say I was good and pretty and all those things I always dreamed a husband would say. When he found out he went ballistic again. Ugly. I didn't have any problems avoiding OM because I didn't want him hurt.

That was about a year ago. Things almost seemed to be getting better. We were actually talking about a second child. (First child is the real reason I didn't walk before.)

Then an old acquaintance called today (today of all days!). She had talked to a friend who had this friend... I don't want to go into details, but it seems like maybe it's all starting over again. No, that's not true. I think it started a while ago. It's just back in full swing.

I'm thinking of hiring a private investigator to get the "smoking gun." Right now all I have is hearsay. Anyone have any experience with a PI?

Thanks for taking the time to read the post. I appreciate being able to dump.
-Just

JLB: I'm sorry that you've had to come back here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But then again, it sure is nice to know that MB is around, huh?

((((((((( JLB )))))))))

Okay, so you made a stupid mistake. It sure didn't make recovery any easier, as it's said on here time and time again. But you did what you did, b/c your love back was WAY down, and your H didn't fulfil your needs as you asked him to. (you DID ask him to, right?)

Now what? Where are you at? Do you want to recover your M? Or do you plan on just filing for a D?

I'm curious about the PI thing. What is the point? If you plan on reconciling, then it will only hurt you more, to know all of the details. If you plan on a D, well, that's different. Then you could use adultery as your reason, and have the hard evidence to back it up in court.

Karen

Thanks, Topie.
I all out of forgiveness. I need out. One of the reasons for Plan A/Plan B: to keep from falling out of love. It's too late for me. In reality, it was probably too late before, but I was holding on "for the kid".

But that's why the PI. I need to be able to prove what's going on for a nasty divorce, and it can't be anything but nasty.

I probably shouldn't be posting here. I should probably go to the Divorce board. Sorry. It was just where I always used to go.

I am so sorry these events have brought you here again - but how wonderful you have come here.
((((((((JLB)))))))))).

Okay - it sounds like your H's previous A was never really dealt with..the fact that you had your own A tells me that neither of you really handled it.

It seems to me like it is time to pull out the stops - get honest, get real with each other.. Is that possible? I'm so sorry for your pain, and of course right now you feel like you want out..but until you both make an effort, and discover what you want and how to get it.. I'm afraid that "getting out" would just be the easy way in the short term and harder in the long term.

Please read: After the Affiar by Janis A Spring and Harley's book Surviving an Affair" and get counselling for both of you if that is at all possible.

No simple answers here I'm afraid.
Please keep posting and help us to help you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JustLikeBefore:
<strong>Thanks, Topie.
I all out of forgiveness. I need out. One of the reasons for Plan A/Plan B: to keep from falling out of love. It's too late for me. In reality, it was probably too late before, but I was holding on "for the kid".

But that's why the PI. I need to be able to prove what's going on for a nasty divorce, and it can't be anything but nasty.

I probably shouldn't be posting here. I should probably go to the Divorce board. Sorry. It was just where I always used to go.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JLB,

I am so sorry you are back here, but I agree with your reasoning. I would not have stayed in my marriage if I knew that my DH was a serial adulterer. Simply because I don't believe it is then an out of character act, but a way of life. I could deal with the former, but wouldn't waste my time with the latter.

Another lady here, Mimi, has been using a P.I. and I am hoping she will weigh in here and give you some advice. I think you are wise to gather the facts before you take any action.

Hang in there and keep coming here for support.

Alberta,
I am reading what I wrote and it seems kvetchy. I didn't mean to grouse at you, but it would seem that I did... Rather than try to rewrite everything in my state of mind tonight, I'm putting this disclaimer up front and hoping you understand.

Melody, thank you for your welcome and understanding.

Thanks for responding, but I must not have been clear. My husband did not have "an affair." My husband had many, many affairs of various length and seriousness. We have supposedly been very honest with each other. And yet today, the preponderance of circumstantial evidence suggests it's all going on...again? still? And I have not discussed the emotional abuse in between.

"Getting out" isn't "easy." The "easy" path has been to stay and try. I am past normal Marriage Builder issues here. My affair was "fixable" by Marriage Builders. It would seem that H just likes to ...make love.

I read the books you suggest and so many more after the first affair when I thought it was a standard marriage failure. If you look deeply into Dr. Harley's books, you will see mention of times when his principles won't work, and one of those times is for a serial adulterer. H is adicted to sex and power, and I coming to understand that I will never, ever be able to satisfy that.

I hope I don't discourage other Builders here. Mine is not a typical case. If you were to separate out my affair and look at it, it would be a classic Marriage Builder case study. I craved attention. And I found what I craved. And I am the poorer for having taken the track that I did. And we tried honestly to recoup after that and I thought we had been doing well. I was even beginning to think that maybe a second child might happen. Now, No.

I don't know that H is capable of honestly answering the emotional needs survey. No, seriously. I don't think he is honest enough with himself to know what he wants. I look at mine, shared with H, and I see very few attempts at answering any that I had.

And now another affair? Or, perhaps, at least one more affair? What diseases has he brought into my bed? What risks from jealous husbands has he exposed my family to?

No. No more. As of today I cannot prove what I have heard. He gets the benefit of the doubt--to a point. I have no reason to doubt what I have heard today; it is probably factually correct. I want to have hard evidence in hand before proceeding. It sucks to sit here and not confront; that is not my nature. But that's what I'm doing.

And I should probably just hang out on the Divorcing board. Sorry to be a downer here.

Thanks for filling me in - sorry I seemed to take the simplistic - "this is how you can heal" approach. Obviously you have been down many roads with your H.

I guess you just need time to vent and then find clarity - and I hope that you can find it and are able to find help here.

Just like before. Find Mimi on the post for she has been using a PI. She has experience with using one. Worked good for her I think. though she is saving her marriage. Look for Mimi's name it starts with Mimi. God bless , LouLou

And don't feel that you need to stick to the d/d board. This GQII is frequented most, of all the boards. So if it's input you want... THIS is the board you're most likely to get it from. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I've mostly stuck to GQII as well. Even while in 'recovery', I stayed here. I didn't want to go over to d/d, b/c I didn't want to know about it (ignorance is bliss, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

Either way, you don't have to stick to any one board anyways. Just do whatever is most comfortable for YOU. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Just - only advice I can give you from experience on a PI is get a good one. I got a PI only for one reason, and being conservative, and financially sound in saving money, I went for a low buck guy. He did the bare minimum, and I only wanted to find out about the woman, cause my husband I felt was being used (which he was), and I felt this woman was leading him on, which she was. Also, my husband spent thousands of dollars on her, and knowing that her family has lots of money, and she gave the woe is me to my husband that she is a stay at home mom and didn't have any money (was a bag full of crap). She used my hard earned money, and she didn't feel any guilt about it.

Hire someone that is good, will be expensive, but you can have evidence within a short period of time.

I am interested in hearing about what the other person says. Will keep in touch here to hear her experience with a PI.