I haven't posted for a week or two, and I appreciate the advice I received. I am still undecided as what to do, and am trying to take one day at a time. Most of the advice I have received is to go to Plan B. I still don't know if I can do that yet. Let me say, in addition to SAA, I purchased Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" and am reading it now. It is just such a scary concept, and I am so afraid of loosing H if I initiate this. I have also made an appointment with a local counselor for next week. In re-cap: found out and confronted H about A on 12/16/02. He moved out same day and has been living with OW since. After 10 days of no contact, I wrote a letter to which he had responded to, and we have been talking since. Bottom line is that I have turned into the OW and he is having an A with me while living with her. His birthday was last week and he spent the day with me. My birthday was yesterday and he took off work to again spend the day with me, however, he arrived here in his suit and tie (as if he were going to work) and left at the time he would leave from work. He changed into jeans and a sweatshirt while here, but changed back into his suit before he left. This hurt me, because I know exactly what he is doing. He never comes out and asks to come over, but says things like "how do you work on Monday. I'm off", giving me the chance to invite him over, which I foolishly do. In all the years we were married, my H was never the one to take the initiative on anything, so this behavior doesn't surprise me. We rarely argued, but when we did, it was always me who said I was sorry, never him, and he admits it. He just can't admit to being wrong. I know he has everything his way now, me and OW, so why should he change anything, so I see where all of you say to go to Plan B, but knowing him as I do, it will only make a choice for him that he can't make on his own, me, out of sight,out of mind, and eliminate me. My question is, should I somehow let OW know he is seeing me. My friend would happily call her and tell her while he is with me, hoping that SHE will throw him out, thus making a decision for him, but knowing she knew he was married when A started, she might not care, or, are things different now that he has been living with her, and she would become angry and send him packing. H always tells me he loves me, that loving me was never an issue. He is always saying things like "why couldn't it have been this way the last 13 years" when we are together. We can't seem to talk about A or what went wrong, we just skirt the issues. He did tell me he doesn't know why it happened, but he makes no attempt at reconciliation. One night on the phone, he did say out of the blue, "I love you and I need to work this out somehow", I told him I know he does, but if we both love each other, we can work it out. Then he says we'll talk about it, but we never do. I know you will all tell me I am foolish to continue to see him and be intimate with him (and that is better than it's ever been too), but I keep thinking the bubble will burst with OW, and he will see the light. As far as I know, his life with her consists of: he goes off to work at 8am, she goes off to her job. He gets home at 5:30, she bartends in the evening, so he goes to the club where she works probably by 6 or 6:30, who knows about dinner,(he has been going there 25 years), drinks beer, plays pool, and goes home with her when the club closes. (I don't even want to think about what they do when they get home, but from experience, I know if he's been drinking, and he does every night, not much). She also has 3 younger children at home 14, 10 and 9, which he says he doesn't pay any attention to. I keep wondering how long this can go on, but then I don't know what the attraction was in the first place except she is 23 years younger than him and he is flattered by that, also, she was there with him playing pool and drinking and smoking while I was not, and these things are his life I guess. I have started to learn to play pool myself, and he gets very into teaching me, he even bought me my own stick. I would always have done this with him if I had realized how important it is to him. We bought out own pool table a year ago, so he could stay home more to play, but it lacked the excitment of playing with others I guess. I guess I will wait to begin the counseling sessions to make any decisions, but I would appreciate any feedback. Should I let the OW know about us? Oh, and when he was here yesterday, I made sure I smeared lipstick on the collar of his white shirt and sprayed perfume on his shirt and pants while they were hanging in my closet, but I guess it didn't work because when I had lunch with him today, he was in a fine mood. Please give advice, even though I know it's not what I am going to want to hear. Also, has anyone had any luck by doing these same things and not going to Plan B?

I am so sorry, I just have so much trouble reading posts without paragraph spaces. I find I cannot keep my eyes on the line I am reading.

Do you think you could remember to put in paragraph spaces, pretty please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How did you feel about Dobson's book where he described the wife who allowed the OW to sleep in their bed with the married couple????

She also was "afraid" of losing her husband, and instead, she lost something far more important .... herself!

Go re-read that part of Dobson's book.

Paragraphs pretty please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Pepper!
Sorry about the paragraphs. I just get carried away when I start typing. I will try harder!

I remeber that part of the book, although I have been skipping through quickly, I only bought it Wednesday. I will re-read the part.

In a way, that is almost what I was ready to do, not literally, but I was almost ready to make the offer that if he would come home, he could continue to see her. I know that is wrong, and he didn't go for it anyway when I alluded to it. he just doesn't want to come home yet.

I say yet, which is my hope, but in reality
he may not ever want to come home, he sure doesn't act like it. It has been almost 2 months which has been an eternity for me, yet as affairs go, maybe not long enough for reality to set in.

I keep hoping that if I continue to see him, and he remembers what we did have together at one point, and what we CAN have together, he will want to come back.

My other hope, even greater, is that OW begins to loose her appeal when daily life takes its toll, as we all know it does. Especially with her working 2 jobs and 3 kids, it has to wear thin. He told me she never asks him for anything, and I'm sure that is going to change.

Do you think it is OK to ask what the attraction to her is, or just let it go? He probably won't give me the truth anyway.

Thanks for responding!