Today was undescribable! It was so wonderful! My WS is definitely in love with me again. I know we have a long way to go but I'm savoring today. He still has not stopped calling me tonight, saying he's just checking in. We keep on talking and talking! As many of you know, he's been this way since last Sunday. It keeps getting better and better!

This is the first weekend in months that I have spent with my husband. I will see him again tomorrow. He's still in his "condo" but the separation has been an important part of our success so far. I can't believe that I am saying this. Remember, I'm the one who was feeling and thinking that separation would be intolerable.

It seems like a miracle. However, you know all the hard work and restraint that I have used to keep from LBing during my PLAN A. I'm continuing to work MY PLAN (as Steve H. calls it) minute by minute, making myself better and better, demanding respect, admiring my husband, doing what I needed to do!

I really appreciate all the help you all have been giving me. I love you. You have been a godsend.

I will be keeping you posted.

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mimi,

So glad to hear it is going so well! When you didn't post yesterday, I didn't know if things were going very well or very bad. Glad to hear it is the former. How is he handling the OW at this point?

Hi Melody:

I've agreed to holding off the NC letter for two weeks while her sister continues to work at the office.

He claims that he is talking to her about his "depression" at the condo which he calls "the black hole", his "prison" and his concern about his family and how what he is doing is wrong in preparation for the NC. He states that this situation is causing an impotency problem. Not really; that's what he says he's telling her.(We have not been together.) I told him that there is no way to get around her anger and disappointment. He wants to insure that it is at a time when he has new employees.

He is spending a lot of time with me in the evenings and is having business meetings at his office 3 times a week. He was with me last night until 9 and all day today. I will see him tomorrow. I know he's not telling her that he is seeing me. I don't know what he's telling her. I have not asked about that specifically. My son says that there have been hangups at the house when we have been gone in the evenings.

He seems sincere, telling me how sorry he is and he will make it up to me, saying he knows what he was/is doing is wrong, talking about things we'll do in the future, how it's going to be different, etc. He agreed to talk to me in more detail about the A once it is completely over and the situation is not as painful for him. He seems extremely guilty.

I'm continuing to be cautious but he has not failed any of my tests! He seems to be honest about any question that I ask him and has been reliable in terms of when he calls and where he is.

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:38 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

Misia:

Do not let your husband control you this way if he is! He is probably not thinking rationally enough to read your posts at this site. We are your support system. Why not change your screen name to a fictitious name.

Marriage Builders was such a blessing to me. I hate to see you miss out on this.

Think about what you are doing!

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:58 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

Misia:
Try to catch him checking out the site or ask him first if he is checking out the site before you decide to leave us. If he is checking, like I said, change your name. He can't prove its you and would have to read through all the posts and try to guess. We don't care what your name is. We only want to help.

He is seriously disrespecting you by not allowing you to have privacy on the computer. Ask him to change the computer back the way it was so that he is not your watchdog. There's not a thing WRONG about you visiting this site. Look at all that he is doing wrong.

It's real easy to change your name on this forum. Go to 'my profile' and change it. It will change your name on all past posts, too.

mimi,

Misia and I talked yesterday. H was away he must have come home early. I wonder if I should call.Hope she O.K. She a good person.

Kathy

Everything is continuing to go well for me. My WS has continued to be consistent in his plans for us to reconcile on March 1. He has done things to demonstrate his intentions such as mailing stuff to the house, putting new clothes we bought for him in his closet,etc. We were together Saturday and Sunday and talked at length this morning again. He seems just like his old self, real with me.

I was reading TORN ASUNDER last night. I think the difference with our sitch is that my WS mainly had what that author called a CLASS III affair. (He does have some emotional entanglement with her though.) This A is primarily aimed at mood enhancement for depression, has highly addictive qualities, the infidel is not in love with the partner who is usually of a lower social class and intellect level. YUCK!!! I think Steve H. learned this in his one and only session with my WS and counseled me accordingly with the focus on the ADDICTION.

I will keep you posted.

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Ok Guys:

My WS' new staff will begin on March 3rd. No Contact will officially begin then. He remains concerned that OW will show up at his office and cause a scene. He says that he will call the police if she does. He said last night, "I have put myself in deep water, you don't know how deep. "We're going to be on a mission this week to get out of this." . OK, by his own words we are working on this as a team. However, he is clear that he wants to initiate all the discussion and for me "not to try to micromanage and take over". This makes him feel like less of a man; he says he got himself into this and has to get himself out of it. I do the micromanaging even with my sons I've noticed lately being home alone with my 16 year old. They feel like my micromanaging is controlling and I call myself trying to help.

I just need your support and encouragement during this week. Of course, I continue to be traumatized because he continues to have contact with her. He tells me when and how long. I think I can believe him. He spends most of the time with me or at his office and calls often. He says he is telling her that he is suffering from depression, not happy with his decision to move into the condo, worried about his family. He states that she is questioning what she can do to help, why has he changed, is there anything she has done, etc. He wants me to TRUST him. Yea, right?

He does really seems to be out of the fog. He is rational and more open and communicative to me about his feelings than I have ever known him to be. He says "I just want to tell you how I am feeling"; in regards to guilt and what makes him feel "bad" about himself. He becomes irritable rather than happy or excited when I think he is going to have contact with her. I just can't understand why he is so afraid of her! He is clear about wanting to talk to me more about her later, when he comes home. He will spontaneously slip and give out information. However, any direct questioning I do about her and their relationship is a huge LB right now.

My problem is making it through this week! I just get so sad when he is leaving me and at night when I go to bed alone. He says to try to keep busy and "hang in there".

What do you think? Are you guys still out there?

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I'm glad you posted, I wondered how you were doing. This week and the next will prove his sincerity, however, you can't trust him. He has not demonstrated yet that he is trustworthy. I hope you keep doing what you are doing, Mimi, but don't take anything at face value. I know I don't need to tell you that, because you are one shrewd cookie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We will be around here for support all week so keep us posted!

I don't fully trust him.

What should I be looking for?

What do you think he might be up to?

What could be his ulterior motive?

Mimi, I'm happy for you that things seem to be coming to a end and recovery can begin.
As for Trust? Trust but verify. I don't think we can trust fully until we're way down the line.
I know I don't, but we need to at least seem as though we are.
You still check things, and verify stories in a subtle way. And it helps if he's willing to meet your need to know.
God bless, LouLou

He keeps passing all of my tests. That's why I asked that question about is there anything I might be missing?

Is my pattern similar to others? Can a WS come out a fog so suddenly?

I think my Plan A was having an affect when he was home but he did not let on to it.

I'm thinking something became scary about her when the A was out in the light. I haven't figured it all out. Maybe I don't need to.

He seems open about a lot of things. He only becomes defensive when I initiate discussions about the A. Once he opens up the topic, he will answer most any question I ask.

Mimi..your situation sounds similar to mine. H felt he had to work his way out of it and was very afraid of xow. In fact, he's still frightened of her with good reason. It's been 16 months since he told her NC and she's still contacting him. She's a nut case!

Her sister works for your husband? Has she been fired/laid off yet?

Those hang up calls are very common. A good message to send her would be changing your home phone to a private number. To do it on March 1st would be good as it wouldn't give her a heads up beforehand. Xow still pages H to our old home number-which we changed over 2 years ago. Crazy...

I think it's wise to keep an eye on your husband eventhough he's apparently doing wonderfully. That fog can make them do crazy things. My husband too went through a gradual breakup and then panicked when the breakup finally occurred. So be prepared and not surprised if you hear things from him that seem not quite right. It'll be a shock to his system. Just hold on and trust that he obviously does want his family. You have a much stronger hold on him than she'll ever have.

If I had it to do over again knowing what I know now, I'd be much calmer about the situation. You know that he wants you; it's just he has a mess to "clean up." That mess is in his head too. You're the mother of his children, the wife of his youth, and trustworthy. She is none of these. She's not worthy to wipe the dust from your feet. Remember that. I'll keep you in my prayers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>I don't fully trust him.

What should I be looking for?

What do you think he might be up to?

What could be his ulterior motive?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mimi,

He might not be up to anything, but so far it is ALL TALK. You need to see some action. And then after that, he has to keep his nose clean FOR A LONG TIME before you can reasonably trust him again. He has to prove himself with ACTIONS over a long period of time. And first off, he has to end all contact with the OW and keep it that way. He has not done that yet.

One thing you could ask him about is:

To be honest with you how he is handling it. What are his fears in terms of her. What does he mean by the deep hole? Has he made promises to her? Has he told her yet that he plans to move back in? You have to be careful HOW you ask questions.

When he shares his answers though- don't jump in with solutions. Try doing empathetic or reflective listening. REFLECT back to him what he's saying "gee, that sounds like a tough position to be in". "you must feel under alot of pressure". "how do you plan to handle that?" "what are your ideas for coping?" Practice these techniques with your son as well.

Mimi,

Patience. This rebuilding trust stuff takes time. Longer that the A.

L.