I posted this on the Divorce board and someone thought I should try over her for a better responce.

I have been married for 7 years now. Me and the wife seperated for the second time in September. I am just now telling her how much I love her and would love to have her back in my life. She is telling me that there is no way she loves me still but not the love a wife should have. For the past five months we talkes on the phone and told one another that we miss each other. But now that I told her I want to start to work things out she says that she turned the corner two weeks ago and wants nothing to do with me. She even says that she wants to file for a divorce now. What do I do? Do I fight a one way battle for my family or do I just back off and drive on(which hurts so much). We have two wonderful boys together that are 4 and 6. Thanks for any feed back you all could give. Thank you so much for responding. This site has been helping me out very much. Yes this is our second seperation and we have two children. I am stationed overseas with the military. She was over here and we were both absolutly miseable. So we both decided to seperate and send her back home so maybe at least on of us could be happier. I was supose to be back by this June but with the war going on its not going to happen. I was home in December and we talked alot and I have always told her that I loved her. She would always call me and say she missed me and I would do the same. She has been going on dates but so have I. But I think that has made me realize how much I really do love her. I am not ready for a divorce. She is so quick to cut all ties with me just like the first time we seperated. She says in the past couple of weeks she has turned a corner on our relationship and just dosnt love me any more. She even goes as far as saying that she's not attracted to me any longer. This hurts so much. I know that our relationship hasnt been the best but we have had so many good things with it too. I just dont understand why she wont even open up to me to maybe start talking. I need some help here so much because I am flying home tomorrow for a ten days to see our kids and family. What should I do it seams the more I tell her how I am feeling the further she pushes away. Thank you guys so much for the suport. Dan

Dan --

Glad to find you here in GQII. How are things? Any changes? Weren't you supposed to be flying home a couple of days ago for a ten-day visit? Are you home now?

I'm sorry that your life and marriage don't seem to be improving, but maybe this visit will help things. At least you can all spend time together as a family and you can have your boys with you for this time. They need love and stability in their lives just as much as we all do. Make certain that they feel and know how much you and Mommy love them. They've got to be aware of these problems and need to feel secure and loved.

It's disturbing that both you and W are "dating." How can you pretend to be committed with that sort of open arrangement. While it may have helped you to realize how much you do love your W, in her case, it sounds like it's accomplished just the opposite. She now questions your relationship and its viability; she's even talking about divorce.

Is it possible that she has become emotionally involved with someone else? What's she's saying seems to indicate that her distance from you could be caused by a increasing proximity to an OP. Can you discuss this possibility with her? It's vital that you two use the limited time you have together (ten days) to really talk. You're very hurt by W's statements and feelings; she needs to know that.

More importantly, what can you two do to make things better in your relationship? Are you reading here on this site and elsewhere? Can you get into counseling when you return to your post? Will W agree to counseling? It's very hard when the two of you are apart, but it is possible. You want this marriage; W (for the present) doesn't appear to = a fundamental problem.

I think you two need to draw up some guidelines and boundaries that you are comfortable with and that are healthier than this dating arrangement. What will she agree to? For now, probably not much. How do things look and feel now that you've been with her for awhile?

Please update us and keep us in the loop. We need some fresh info here. Hang in, sandcrab, you're the best friend your marriage has for now...

Ammon

dan,
Don't give up! It's sounds like you're really trying but the frustration of being far away must make it difficult.. I agree with Ammon about the dating- my H and I did the same thing and it was helping to nail the coffin shut and it makes you turn to others to fill your needs. While you're home spend as much time with your W and children. Enjoy even the little moments and shower your W with as much attention as possible even if she doesn't return it. When you leave, send emails, letters and pictures. Give your W a chance to really think about you and appreciate the effort you're making. She WILL be thinking about you. Go to counseling and ask if your W is willing to wait to file for D. You're basically going to be seperated for a while so what's the rush- the longer that you wait, the more time you have to work on your M. Most importantly, stay safe and we will be praying for all our servicepeople these next few months. Sue

Hey all. You guys are so much help. You are right about the dating thing. I dated a couple of times and it made me realize that I really do love my wife and I dont plan on doing it again until I work on myself and my family. She is dating right now and says that she is over me and wants me to move on.
I have been home for four days now, but I have been staying with my parents because wife does not want me to spend any time with her. She says it will give me faulse hope. Its hurting me so much. I cant even really consentrate. I have been spending all my time with my boys and that has been helping me.
My wife is seeing someone. She meet him on the internet and is not interested in him as a relatoionship. Hell he doesnt even want our kids but yet she still wants to see him. She says that she is over me and cant even think about me right now but yet she still has pictures of me up all over the house and even told me that when I saw her and talked to her the other night that it was going to ruin her date that night.
Thank you so much for helping me. Im not sure what to do. It bugs me that I am on a limited time here and she doenst want to spend time with me. I have been reading all over this site. This site has been a big help in understanding what I did wrong and how I can fix myself. All I want is a chance to make things right. I think she wont even open up a little because she knows that we will get back together. I guess she is having to much fun running around acting like a teenager again. Once again thank you and if you guys have any sugestions please let me know.
Dan

I really wish I had found this site years ago. It has made me rethink the way I have been living. It has opened my eyes twords me being very selfish. I just cant figure out how to get my W to see what we are doing to our family. Can someone please help me out with this? I truly feel that she still has some love in her heart for me. It's just that I have hurt her so many times she is afraid to go back.

I really need to start working on my soul for the better of my children and wife. Where do I start? I have been reading all over this site and really cant find a good starting point. I guess its because both of us need to want it and she doesn't. I wish more people would give me some insight. Im not really getting any family help because they really don't want to see me get hurt again and they all dont see why I love her so much. Well I need to get going my boys are starting to wake up. So you all have a wonderful presidents day.

Thank You All
Danny

How come nobody can give me any advice? Am I that bad off?

I'm sorry you feel so terrible.

It is difficult to share advice or support in this situation because it is unclear what you mean by "dating".

If you're having mutual affairs, is it any wonder this is happening?

There are countless issues that could apply with your military commitment, togetherness, etc. -- and quite simply, why does she want the separation in the first place? Is she in love with someone?

It seems your relationship lacks some serious shape, which makes it difficult to help...

Good luck and God Bless!

When I said that we are a dating thats what I mean. I have sense stopped dating because it felt wrong and all I wanted to do was be with me wife. We separated because we thought we fell out of love and we sent her home from Germany because at least she could be happy here. That was the biggest mistake of my life. Like I said I wish I found this site last summer. She keeps blaming me for sending her home. All I want to do is fix what I did wrong.

She has just started dating this past month and is having a grand ol time I guess. She is meeting these guys on the Internet and isn't looking for a relationship. It just drives me crazy that she wont even think about me.

I know I have to change some things in my life before she sees me as a better person. I am just afraid that she is going to find someone else. My heart is very broken right now. The only question I am really asking right now is how do I get her to maybe start thinking about us again. I know that the possibility of us getting back together again wont even work until we both want it. So what am I suppose to do until then. I want this woman in my life so bad.

I know I need to give more info. I am better at answering direct questions then rambling on about this. So any impute would be so much help in my time of need. Thank You
Danny

Dan-

Sorry you're having such a rough time with your M as it must be very difficult to be stationed in a strange place away from your W and kids. Why don't you consider contacting SH and the people with MB's and seeing what they suggest? Your situation seems pretty complicated and is probably best left to the pro's. The $ would probably be well worth the peace of mind it might bring you. Good luck....