Shirley Glass, author of 'Not just friends' had this little bit of info I found quite interesting:
"People are more likely to cheat if their friends and family members have cheated."

If this is true, then the future does not bode well for our kids and their marriages.

Isn't that kind of a "Duh!"? I mean, don't we all learn about what marriages are like first and foremost from watching our parents? How they act gains an aura of "normalcy" that can lead us to continue destructive behavior patterns thinking they are "normal". Even if you realize your parent's marriage is disfunctional, it is often possible to avoid explicitly copying the destructive behavior that they exhibited, but exhibit your own unique destructive behavior that is an expression of some underlying assumption that you don't recognize as the source of the problem. For example, in my own marriage, my wife did not fight w/ me the way her parents fought, but she had no expectations that a marriage was supposed to be emotionally intimate, so our marriage was peaceful, but cold.

John, you and I are FBS, and thus know that we did not damaged our marriages AND our families with an affair. This is not the case with FWS's who have to live with the knowledge of what they did to not only their BS but to their children as well. Sure there are other things (other than an affair) that even a BS can be guilty of that is just as damaging to her/his children. Things like alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, domestic violence, etc. BUT since those things are another topic, I would like to concentrate on what fears, if any, do any of the FWS's have that their poor choices in having an affair will repeat themselves with their children when they get married.

It's one of the fears my H has about reconciling with me.

My mom's first H cheated on her with her BF, and left her to marry that BF. She's been bitter about it since. I've heard her voice her resentment anger at her FWS (ExH) many times over the years.

Now I've cheated on my H with his BF. I ended the affair with d-day.

I read somewhere that sometimes knowledge of a parent being hurt by infidelity can cause a child to be so afraid of their spouse cheating on them that in turn they find themselves cheating. I don't know if I buy that, but it seems to fit my situation.

But what if my children never have any knowledge of any affairs? Would that make a difference? (I mean, I don't have any yet, and by the time they're around, what if we don't tell them about this mess?)

So am I fearful of how it will affect my possible future children? Yes, I guess I am. But I hope I can avert it.

Yes there are patterns in life, but I'd like to break the mold.

Jen

My parents did not cheat. They were the model of stick together no matter what happens. My H's father had one A when H was small but old enough to remember. My H has not cheated and he actually said that the occurence in his family scared him so badly that permanently left him with the commitment that he would never fool around on his W. I have witnessed the behaviour a man of great character in my H, who used a bad situation and promised himself that he would never put his family through that kind of pain. In the end his parents found God/reconciled and have been married now for a long long time with no other incidents. H has been monogamous all through our M.

I was keenly aware of impact on infidelity and divorce on children. I believe now that's why I had my brief A with OM from another state b/c in the back of my mind I did not want a divorce. Our son does not know of A, so he is unaffected. Again, my H is an exemplary human being who would bear the pain without telling our S. H's commitment and character was another reason I ended A on my own. I did not want to mess up my H's and S's lives any more than I already had. Extreme remorseful moment even typing this. Your post is an important topic Coffe Man.

CM: My point was that my marriage was a breeding ground for an affair because of the type of marriage that I had. It is true I did not have an affair, but I wanted one. The mariage was no more emotionally intimate for me than for my wife. People are built to desire intimacy. If you don't get it in your marriage, you are more vulnerable to affairs. Obviously, that does not mean you will have one. There are a whole lot of steps between being lonely in your marriage and being naked in bed w/ someone you are not married to. If you do not go through those steps, you will not have an affair. Yes, you don't even have to be lonely to go through those steps - but being lonely does provide additional emotional fuel for the journey.

Let me paint a picture of what I mean by this. It is a lot like eating at a restaurant where you are not allowed to feed yourself, only your spouse is allowed to feed you, and you see something you like on the plate of someone at the next table. If their spouse offers you some without their spouse's knowledge, you will be much more tempted to eat it if you have been starving for 10 years than if you are full. Even though the food may be coming from the plate of someone who is just as hungry as you, and your spouse may be trying to feed you, too. If your head and eyes are turned away they may not be able to...

My children saw a marriage that was not warm. It was not filled with conflict, and therefore looked good from the outside in comparison to some others. But it did not provide the kind of emotional support that a healthy marriage can (should!) provide. We were very independent. If my children follow that model, they and their spouses will be more tempted to have affairs than if they have the kind of marriage we have now.

I don't think my children have any higher risk of being WS's in marriage than any other kids (whose parents didn't cheat). They were very young - or not even born yet! - during the affairs, so they don't know about H's affairs or mine. And they won't know unless they ask us when they're grown.

What my kids see, and have seen for quite some time now, are two parents who love each other deeply and treat each other with the utmost respect and consideration. It's a beautiful thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When God healed our family, He didn't do it half-way.

Lori

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: at peace ]</small>

My SIL has always hinted that our FIL has had As but I've never asked her point blank about them.

My BIL and SIL went through a "separation" when he was accused of having an A but denied it. I don't know whether he did or didn't but they got back together right away and have been together since.

No one knows about my FWH's As so I'm wondering if our kids will be affected or not.

I'm currently reading TA and they give an example where the infidel is asked to dig into his family history and lo and behold finds his father had an A that he didn't know about.

Interesting topic....now figure out how we head our children off at the pass, so to speak.
DB

I'd bet the farm that my sons will never cheat on their future spouse(s)- they have seen and felt the pain of betrayal at a grown up age...as usual....sign me.......heres to hopin'!

During a specific period in my father's life,in his early 40's,when he was doing a great deal of traveling away from home,he had a series of one-night-stands.

He did not tell my mother about these until 10 years after the fact. He volunteered the information in order to come clean, get it off his chest,get his heart right with God...but in so doing,he devastated my mother and his children (who were all adult by then.) For him,it had been ten years ago...for my mom,it was as fresh and raw as if it had just happened.

To be very honest,this is why I sometimes question coming clean with past affairs. My mother probably never would have known about this if my dad haven't volunteered it. It's now been over 15 years since he came clean,and they've been able to get past it...but my mom will never really get over it. I've often wished she had never been told. Go ahead,slam me for feeling that way.

I love my dad dearly,but I often feel I've inherited some of his worst characteristics along with some of his best.

As many of you know after reading my posts, I had an EA, with D-Day about five months ago. But then there was a second D-Day,two weeks later,when my husband found out the OM and I were still trying to communicate with each other "under the radar."

We were up almost all night facing my husband's fury and rage that night. I felt so much disgrace and shame.

I will never forget having to get up early the next morning to get ready for work. I looked at myself in the stark light of the bathroom mirror and was startled when I saw my father's face looking back at me. I thought: "You are no better than him."

What a sad day.

I certainly pray my children will not have affairs,either physical or emotional. Nothing,nothing,nothing is worth the pain and grief they cause.

I think certain behavior can run in families. If they see it as accepted and the one out of line never repents, talks of it and corrects this with the younger family members who know of it.
If they see it as accepted and no one does anything, possibly they think it's acceptable or even human nature so ok.
My children are old enough to see for themselves and they abhor the behavior.
Our son stood up and told his father, The WS, that it stops with him! That he intends to never be as his father, grandfather and so on.
To what do I credit this? More than one thing. First, the Christian upbringing of our children.
From early age, the character has been formed based on bible principles and teachings.
If Ws had been sincere in his service to God, I think he could never have fallen this far.
Secondly, I think when children are old enough to understand the pain and damage caused in the marriage, they see something they don't want for themselves!
I have two children, both accepted Christ early on, but old enough to know the truth, and make their decision based on teachings.
I was so proud to hear our son tell his father the adulterous behavior stops with him!
I see compassion and tenderness, accountability in our son that didn't exist in his father.
There are no life guarantees though. You can only teach from early on and pray a lot! Each child will develope his/her own character, belief system and code of conduct!
Seeing the pain, damage and consequences of my own Fathers adultery, I would die first or hope God would take me out!
I was about 4, but I can remember even then and things beyond.
It also made me more convinced than ever that I would never date a married man. In fact, when some did come on to me, I felt ill, disrespect for them and as if they had insulted me!
To be truthful, I wouldn't wipe my feet on a man who would ask me out and is married!
Sorry if that hurts some, but I'm being honest about what I saw early on in my life and how it made me feel!
If you are a WS and your childen know of it, and if they're old enough to comprehend, then I think it's the WS place to sit and talk with them.
To insure they know it was a terrible mistake, wrong, and not worth the damage done to all in the family.
It's when they know, and it's supposedly hidden away as though one is going to accept it as normal that it has adverse effect.
As parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children and also to admit our mistakes to them!
We also have a responsibility to set examples and even those who have failed miserably can change their behavior. Thus, showing children how to repent and walk the right path.
If they continue the example set, it's because we never changed ourselves. Never led them in what not to do.
We can't just learn from our mistakes, but must teach from them as well.
This is why it's so devastating when parents say do as I say, not as I do. You have to put your actions with your words.
Obviously if you continue on your path,they'll think there must be some reward from it.
I hear some WS's say it was fun, enjoyable, what I needed at time, blah blah blah. What message are you sending?
Paint the picture blacker than black so they know the truth of the seriousness of it.
Conduct your future behavior so they do have an good example to follow!
LouLou

i have no idea if there was infidelity in my parents marriage. very typical marriage at the time-husband worked, mom was at home, not very emotional in front of us kids. seemed like a good marriage, but i dont think they ever showed enough affection.

i do remember an incident where i heard my mother scream and cry and then locked herself in her room for a few days, i have allways wondered...

my husband, who is the youngest of 4 kids, comes from very dysfunctional family. dad was an alchoholic, died when my husband was 8 yrs old. husband years later found papers in the basement pertaining to his father affair and that he had a child from that affair. his mom doesnt know he knows, he never said anything. i dont believe any of his sisters or brother know. he carried this around since he was 11.

i dont know if this will effect my children, hopefully we can provide them with what a marriage should be like now. we are very openly affectionate with each other and let kids know it ok----even when they are screaming eeewwww!!

CoffeeMan - I know you're asking for posts by FWS's, but I can't resist b/c this topic is one I'm so concerned about, and I've been doing some reading about it . My WH's father had multiple PAs as H was growing up until MIL divorced FIL after 20 years of it. H was 14 at the time of the Dv and old enough to know what was going on. This fall, while H was living with his mother, H asked many times "Am I like my father"? MIL answered that H was his own person, he couldn't blame his father for H's behavior. But it made me think, too.

The statistic that you're more likely to have an affair if one of your parents did needs some explaining, I think. In Janis Abrahms Springs book After the Affair she has a couple of theories about why. One is If your parent cheated you learned that marriage is unsafe, fidelity is not expected, so to protect yourself you create a safe distance btwn you and your partner, so you won't be violated like you were in childhood. Faithful means vulnerable, unfatithful means invincible.

A more complex idea is to have an affair so you can hate yourself instead of the unfaithful parent who hurt you. By doing this you never have to grieve the loss of the parent who wasn't there for you. By directing your shame and self-loathing at yourself you can stay attached to a parent who detached from you, and take control of your pain.

This second idea seems more likely in my H's case. His father died 1 1/2 years ago, and H never settlled many of the issues he had with his dad. H has since taken on many of his father's behaviors, including excessive golf, not wanting to do any home repairs, and acting like he is 'entitled' to a more extravagant lifestyle than his salary supports.

Our grown children were told of H's A by him, he actually expected them to be happy for him in his newfound love!!!! Since then, the kids have waited while H makes up his mind about me or her, and S has taken an active role in counseling his father (S is a case worker for mentally ill adults, how ironic, huh?) S has not spoken to his father since Christmas (H moved in with OW 1/31/02), b/c he is digusted with his father's behavior. Our D is still living in the same town as me and H, she has limited contact with her father and has made it clear to both of us she doesn't want to get stuck btwn us. She is also disgusted with her father's behavior. She has said that she's having a hard time trying to fit this new image of her father as a 'loser' into her concept of him. My heart aches for both of them.

So although I know they are both firmly against having an A, and have witnessed the pain it causes firsthand, I don't know what they will do in the future. My H said he'd never have an A based on what his father did, but H has had 3 A's over 15 yrs, this one's just the most involved. Once the dust settles I will probably talk to my kids periodically about their feelings regarding the A, I think it's important to keep things out in the open, not buried. Other than that I can only pray and hope that their sense of self is strong enough to keep them from making the same mistake their father did. I also wonder what he'll eventually say to them about it.

I hope I don't get in trouble for paraphrasing Spring's book!
Lablady

CoffeeMan-

I believe my childrens' "adult" responses (whether they engage in wayward behavior or not) is conditioned on how well I as WS convey my remorse, sorrow, and pain to them early enough and less on what they have witnessed, in terms of wayward behvior! This may open Pandora's box, but I invite other opinions and insight always, as this is how I learn.

As a Christian I have found truth and honesty (FOGGY days aside) is the ONLY way to pave their road to purity all their days of marriage, should they choose to marry. I pray and share with my children (they are of an age of understanding) all of my misgivings and misbehavior. In fact I don't hold back tears of sorrow and remorse...they need to see and not "feel" my pain...I invite them to ask any questions regarding my wayward ways and how I have and continue to deal with these issues in my life!

Godspeed
S

DP!
Sorry

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: Shakespeare ]</small>

At the risk of getting a major DUH! from John, I have to say the following.

All of us here, FBS and FWS alike, have learned so much regarding A's and the forces that give birth to them, but that knowledge has come with a high and painful price not only for us but to our children as well.

Unfortunately, it seems that infidelity is still, to a large degree, treated as taboo subject by the general population. Almost everybody has been touched by it and yet the shame of it, makes a great number of people, want to sweep it under the rug and naively wishing it would just go away. This is not good because then the stage is being set for many children to follow in their parents (and friends) footsteps.

Our children have an opportunity that was not available to us, and that is that we, their parents, can help them avoid our ordeal by teaching them what we know now. This is no way guarantees that they will not fall prey to an A but it is a good start and it frees us from a terrible sin of omission.

Hey Caffeine Guy-

I was reading this post and I HAD to throw in my big fat opinion.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think that if I continued my life without taking the last six months to really examine myself and my actions, the answer to your question would be an absolute "YES" my kids would repeat the cycle.

I can honestly say that by learnign the things I did about myself, my beliefs, my relationships, and hoonesty-my kids now have a fighting chance at experienceing A free lives.

I shared my turmoil with my oldest son because I felt it WAS necessary that he understand what I went through, how he was impacted, and why. He has grown right alogn with me and has changed from the shy, introverted depressive into a very conscientous, self confident, proud, atletic almost 15 year old. He believes in himself, his family, and looks forward to REALLY knowing himself before he gets into seriuos relationships. He makes friends with girls pretty easily and seems to be in NO rush to get seriuos.

I do plan on being as equally honest wiht my younger son when the time calls for it.

I'm going to throw in a verse from my husbands renewed vows.

With this new chaptor emerging in our lives together. We must take this oportunity to teach our children they must always remain true to themselves and to those they love and to who love them in return. With our help and our guidence they will grow into strong adults and be able to look back on their lives with little or no regret.

I thought that fitted in this thread. My husbands family is dotted with dishonsty and deceit..Hes now being very pro-active in trying to ensure that the cycle does not continue.