My wife(WS) b-day is on 2/21. I have been debatting what to do. Part of me says don't call, don't send a card, don't do anything. That is one part of me the other part of me is saying do something different then I ever have and she will see how much she means to me and that I am still around even after all this. I have done the sending flowers and all that kind of stuff. I was thinking either getting her a cd of a group she likes and just sending it to her with a hand written letter saying happy b-day. Or I was going to buy her a pair of running shoes since I know she runs and probably doesn't have the money for a new pair. I know if I get her anything she is going to feel guilty about receiving something. Also I was thinking instead of calling her and saying I want to drop it off or whatever I was thinking about just leaving it at her apartment door or something like that. Sort of that suprise elment that I went out of my way to get it to her but I wouldn't stick around I would drop it off and leave.
Anyone have any advice on this one? I am beating myself up on what to do or not to do....

how about buy her a card, tell her you love her, give her a choice of any/all the things you have been thinking...

"Happy Birthday, (Mrs. CG)

In celebration of this most auspicious world-changing holiday, choose from the following one-time, never before seen on TV gifts:

A. CD recording of your favorite artist
B. running shoes
C. dinner date with your loving husband
D. all of the above

Call now, for your limited time offer!! ...but wait there's more... love, CG

I'd do the shoes. It reminds her that you know things about her that noone but a family member would (her size), in addition to showing you care about her (I would not be one to ignore special days during plan B, but many would urge you to ignore her B-day).

Write the nice card, short and sweet, no pressure. Send them or drop them off when she's not home, so you don't get into an uncomfortable situation for either one of you.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

I'd do the shoes. It reminds her that you know things about her that noone but a family member would (her size), in addition to showing you care about her (I would not be one to ignore special days during plan B, but many would urge you to ignore her B-day).

Write the nice card, short and sweet, no pressure. Send them or drop them off when she's not home, so you don't get into an uncomfortable situation for either one of you.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

Dear Guy:
Do something. Shoes are nice but....personally, I like to pick out my own workout shoes because I have a hard time finding "comfy" ones. What about a nice warm jogging outfit? Or a heartrate monitor? Or a watch that has a stopwatch ability?

Along with the "practical" do something impractical - a rose or hmmmm... I don't know Feb's flower sorry but maybe one of those along with the note.

JMHO,
DB

Well,

I guess I am going to be the odd person out and say do "nothing".

The reason I say this is because according to your past posts, she has told you repeatedly that she wants NO contact from you. That might be the nicest gift that you can give to her. Honor her request to leave her alone.

I know that I run the risk of making many enemies on here with certain comments and this is probably one of them ..here goes anyway...

Why would you want to continue contacting someone who has told you to stop? Sending a gift or a card is just that, contacting her.

You contacted her around Jan 7 to check and see how she was doing, she told you then that she didn't want any conversations with you. Your other post dated Feb 17 said that you had not had any contact with her in almost 3 months. Now, Jan 7 to Feb 17 is certainly not 3 months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . But I guess that is all semantics. She contacted you this time via email cause of "business" related manners. She needed to know about insurance and taxes and you got upset that she had not contacted you in a caring manner. I think that she has been very forthcoming with you in regards to contact. She doesn't want it from you, and it seems that she is keeping her messages to you in an appropriate manner. She needed to know about insurance (she doesn't want to lapse) and the taxes, (cause Uncle Sam excuses NO one).

I guess what I am trying to say is that I find it very disrespectful to continue contacting someone who has told you not to contact them. I equate it with being told NO.

Ok...let me know if I need to don flame retardant suit. I just do not understand the workings of the "do not contact me" statement. If I told someone to not contact me, I would expect just that. No birthdays, no holidays, nothing. It would just inflame me more. Speaking of "flames"...do I don it now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

committed

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

I have to second committedandlovingit's advice. I think it would be a huge lovebuster to give her a present. She is completely emotionally detached from you now and sending her something would only annoy her because it would obligate her to a level of contact she does not want. Its not like you haven't demonstrated your feelings to her in the past. She knows how you feel and has chosen to move on. I am sorry to be a wet blanket here, but I just don't see it as helpful at all.

I'm undecided about what you should do. But, just to let you know, if you do get her something, you should be prepared for either no response, or a negative one.

For Christmas, my H wanted nothing to do with me, and bought me nothing, and refused to accept the gifts I got him. I ended up taking them all back.

It's my bday next week. It should be interesting to see if he decides ignoring my birthday is just one more opportunity to punish me by not doing anything. (He is probably planning on not doing anything b/c if he does that would "mean something has changed" and it hasn't - he's still undecided.)

Sorry, I got a little self-absorbed there.

I guess if she asked for no contact, to heck with giving her a nice gift. Maybe just a very brief card to let her know you didn't forget. But that's just my instinct, and my R is still in a huge mess.

Jen

C_G-

I think you should hold off on the gifts as it's a pretty good bet that in her self absorbed state she'll twist it into something negative. IMO, the best chance you have to salvage this thing is to change her perception of you chasing her. It's probably not what you want to hear, but continue to make positive changes in your own life instead of worrying about what she's doing/thinking. You're in Plan B right? Stick with it and keep all contact to a confident minimum. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you remind me alot of myself a few months back (before my D became final). I came to realize a little late in the game that it's as much about your well being as hers....Good luck with whatever you decide.

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

Confused-

FWIW, I went through the same dilemma in December with my wife. It was less than 2 months from D-Day and she wanted pretty much nothing to do with me. I felt I needed/wanted to so something, so I sent her flowers to work- from our dogs (we don't have kids). She sent me back a very nice e-mail and was very appreciative telling me to thank the dogs for her.

Cheesy? Sure. But I felt better and I am sure it brightened her day, and she didn't have to read some sort of love message from me. If you do anything, I would make it very light and/or light-hearted.

My two cents....

I have heard advice both to do something and to do nothing. Here it is an hour before midnight which will be my wifes(WS) b-day. I am still so confused on what to do. I have played it out in my head and I can see it both ways. I could see me calling her to say happy b-day and she pulls out the divorce talk. Or I could see not calling her at all and she thinks in her mind this proves it that he doesn't care about me any more and he has moved on.
What do I do? What is right? Help......

Well I tried calling my wife and was going to leave a message on her work voice mail before she got to work. I figured I should keep it simple with saying happy B-day and replying to her questions she asked. However, her work phone number has been changed and some how I never got the new number. So I couldn't leave a message. Kind of strange but I guess that is expected. Well I replied to her email and this is what I wrote. Any thoughts on the email? I tried being to the point.

---
WS,
Happy Birthday. I hope you are doing well and your health is good. I hope you are still working out and running and your back hasn't been bothering you anymore. I tried calling you at work but it appears your work number has been changed. Your car insurance bill is at the house and it is due on the 27 or 28 of this month. I forgot the exact date it is due. As far as the taxes I guess we can discuss that. As far as how I have been well I can tell you there hasn't been a day so far that I haven't thought about you so that should tell you probably in a nut shell how I have been. If you ask me it is shady that the only time you contact me is when you need something and no other times you say a word to me. I am like a ghost to you and that does bother me. Anyway happy birthday Tea and take care of yourself...
----

This is what she wrote me originally.
----
How are you? I hope things are well by you.

I am sorry to be emailing you and bothering you, but I was wondering if my
car insurance bill has made it to the house yet? My insurance expires at
the end of this month and I really need to get that paid again. Please mail
it to me if it's there. Thanks...

I was also wondering how you were going to do your taxes for last year? I'm
confused when it comes to that, but was wondering if you've possibly given
it any thought yet.

I hope you're doing well and that things are going ok for you at work.

Please take care and let me know about the above when you get a chance.
---

Anybody think I said too much to too little? Just curious since I feel like I am walking on thin ice with everything.